So scared that my Marriage will end - again.

[smilieman]

First of all, sorry for the long post. It's hard to give the whole background. I first posted here on ENA in April when my wife left me and seeked seperation advice. I was devastated, but after 3 months of working hard on myself and my marriage, we got back together in June. The reason for our split was due to the fact that my wife felt extremely overwhelmed coming home to me being depressed and out of work, with creditors on our backs and the house being threatened to be taken from us, it was a tough time, still is.

 

But, we have been on holiday - which was like old times - just 4 short weeks ago and it was such a lovely time. But now, I feel empty inside. I have been out of work for 2 years and finally found a temporary contract position for 3 short months, but that has now ended. It's the first job I've had for 2 years. Now, I'm at home again and feel rubbish. I have felt so lonely working through the relationship issues. I am trying so hard to keep things "light", but feel that I'm being false sometimes. I want to come accross confident, not needy, but it's so hard to maintain, especially when my body lets me down and starts panicing. It's been like this since the weekend.

 

You see, I made a mistake. Actually, I have been making a few recently. Because my wife lied to me when we split up, it dented the trust I have had in her for 9 years. We were only married for one short year, before we split up, after 8 years together without hitch! So, I seem to have been asking lots of questions, especially when she comes home later than usual from work, or goes out with friends. This is a newer behaviour for her since we split, although it has been consistent (but not too much, only once or twice a week) since getting back together. I didn't realise that I was asking questions, but we spoke about it, so I have stopped.

 

On the weekend, we went out for lunch with her sister and her new boyfriend. While my wife and her sister were at the bar, the new boyfriend said, "you're out of work aren't you?". It hit me hard in the gut. Then my wife got a text and on the way home she said that she was stressed out because she wanted to say something to me but was afraid that I wouldn't like what she was going to say. I feared the worst. I told her to stop the car to talk and she said that it wasn't a bad thing. It turned out that she wanted to go to the store in another town up the road when we got home, to look for some clothes and have some time alone, only an hour or so. She used to tell her other boyfriend this while she was seeing me and I linked that with the text and the fact that she had gone a bit quiet earlier in the day (she said she felt like she was going to pass out as she hadn't eaten). She said that I had told her that if she wanted time on her own, just to say, which I did when we got back together. It was just the way she came out with it, the text in the pub, followed by the statement on the way home).

 

I linked them all wrong. How do I know? Well, in order to either find out she was cheating, or to ensure that my brain was doing overtime and nothing was going on, I followed her, around 20 minutes after she had left, after wrestling with myself. I found her car in the car park and she was in it, about to leave for home. The store had no clothes for her and she had picked up a bottle of wine for us for that evening. I spoke with her and we drove back home to talk.

 

I felt so stupid! I thought we better talk, so we went and had a chat at a local bar. I told her that I took a gamble because I was feeling low after what her sisters boyfriend had said. She said that she wondered if I would ever trust her again. I said of course I would, but the scale of the lies she had told me when we broke up and the fact that she didn't keep to her word and her behaviour was erratic (walk away wife syndrome?), I was having a hard time, especially since I was beating myself up a little for being out of work again, and probably, expecting it all to go wrong because of that.

 

The killer was when I asked her, "Will you ever be intimate with me again?", her response killed me. "I don't know", she replied, breaking into tears. She said it in exactly the same way as she did when we first split up. All those feelings I had earlier in the year came flooding back and now I can't get rid of them. This is my third day, feeling guilty for not trusting her and making that one mistake and now I am afraid that she will end it, although she has said that it is ok.

 

I know I have to keep building on me, but I'm running out of ideas on building our relationship. We are very limited in money, so can't get out too much as we can't afford to. The holiday was really nice, just like it has been when we first got together, but since we've been back I feel the pressure to keep trying to "put things right".

 

I am so, so scared to tell her that I love her. I have not done this since she has been home (5 months) and I want to so badly, for fear that she will leave me. I have learnt that if I tell her this then she will question whether she feels the same towards me. When we split, she said that she couldn't get the feelings back. Apart from me being out of work, unable to find a job, I have done nothing wrong, but somehow I've hurt her so bad, that she doesn't seem to love me anymore.

 

On sunday, I got upset for the first time in months. I said that I was scared that I had messed things up and just wanted to hear that she loved me. She was quiet, but came over to hug me. I prompted her for a response, to which she said, "Of course I love you, I'm here!". I didn't tell her that I loved her also, as I am scared she will leave again.

 

I'm sorry this is getting a bit long, it's hard to give enough for the complete story, so much has happened, but I long for her to want to be with me and I long to feel that I trust her wholeheartedly. I don't push for intimacy, we have cuddles as much as we can which is how she feels somebody loves her - I asked. I just wonder how I can push through these feelings of guilt of this mistake that I made. I want us to have a full relationship again, but can't understand what's going on for her.

 

She refused to go couselling before and although she has made enquiries, she has not returned a phone call to arrange the appointment. We can't afford private counselling. I am also awaiting to restart mine as it stopped when I started my work.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Sorry it was so long.

[Lester]

Sounds like you understand being the best you can be… good.

 

You should not ask her about being intimate. Her answer, (I know it hurts), is normal and expected.

 

You are working on you’re money issues… that’s good and it's all you can do.

 

If you love your wife, say it. If you don’t, (after earnest resolution attempts), divorce.

Don’t expect her to say she loves you back.

 

Don’t ask her to go to counseling… ever. You go if you must but don’t tell her you are going.

If you do go, don’t expect much. Counseling is their accounts receivable. Quick cures/help are not in their best interest.

 

Secretly buy Gary Smalley’s “If only he knew”

and James Dobson’s “Love must be Tough” (Forget what you think you know about tough love.)

Never let her see these books.

 

PS, Weird stuff happens to us when we get rejected. You must suppress all of it. Find a line to run in your head when down. Mine was, I’m not dirt under your feet. Not yours.

 

PS2 Never follow her again. Don’t ask where she is going or has been. Try to decide what you should be chasing after.

[BellaDonna]

I know I have to keep building on me, but I'm running out of ideas on building our relationship. We are very limited in money, so can't get out too much as we can't afford to. The holiday was really nice, just like it has been when we first got together, but since we've been back I feel the pressure to keep trying to "put things right".

 

 

How is she affording going out twice a week with her friends after work? Could she cut out one of those activities and go out with you instead?

 

It doesn't seem like you 2 are "connected" as a couple right now at all, even though you are technically together.

 

You do seem to have a good handle on the situation, and your feelings about it-and where you both could improve, so that is a good start.

[smilieman]

How is she affording going out twice a week with her friends after work? Could she cut out one of those activities and go out with you instead?

 

It doesn't seem like you 2 are "connected" as a couple right now at all, even though you are technically together.

Thank you for replying.

 

I may have made it sound like she goes out all of the time. It's not that bad. A friend of hers had a birthday meal week before last and her other friend wanted to talk with her so she went round for a cuppa. After work, or at lunchtime once a week or so, they buy their own normally. It's not a large amount. Although it does worry me where the money does come from sometimes.

 

Yes, I have been trying to get to go out sometimes. Trying for once a week. This has been tough as she seems to find it easier to go out with friends, but she says that it's because they just say off the cuff, rather than plan. We went out last week. She's got too much going on this week with work, but we are going to see friends tonight that we haven't seen in ages. Although it's not time just for us, it's better than sitting at home in front of the TV.

 

No, we are not connected, not properly. The problem is that I can search within myself to find out how I can get this back. We where connected without issue for 9 years, until it all was put into question. Seems like a hard slog pulling it back.

[smilieman]

Hi Lester.

 

Thank you for the straight-talking! Don't worry, I won't. I shall stop the questioning, I realised this yesterday and it certainly wasn't intentional. You have reassured me that her answer was normal and expected. It does hurt, but she is confused about her feelings still, I know. On holiday though, she was like she used to be, I can't help thinking that our environment is part of the issue and a change would help things a bit. This is being planned, but taking a long time to do house repairs before putting it on the market.

 

However, we have been making plans to move in February. All plans she seems to be including me in. Positive progress.

 

No, I shan't ask her to go counselling. She started this process of on her own after a chat we had a couple of months ago, but hasn't progressed it. I was wrong to ask her about it.

 

I shall have a look at those books you recommend.

 

Thank you

S.

[Lester]

First and foremost:

Wasted time by the “left behind” (you), is the biggest killer of marriages in distress.

 

That said;

Women are strange creatures of infinite mystery. They are not like us and you must learn their strange ways.

She wants a man and a husband but you can never force her to think you are a man/husband. How that for starters…

 

When she is with her friends they talk about you. It's called the circle of sorrow. Your job is to get them talking about their husbands. You do this by being an upbeat, smiling, loving husband who seems to have a secret.

Why you ask? Jealousy

When you become a genuinely loving husband, (Smalley will help you with that),

her circle will be rattled.

 

Each of these women has their own not-so-great husbands at home. They will silently become your allies.

 

It will happen. When it does she will move closer to you.

 

PS, Don't waste time! Buy smalley today.

[bakercape]

Times are tuff and lots of people are out of work. Don't beat yourself up about it. Your not less worthy because you are out of work. Are you getting unemployment?

[smilieman]

It's tough today. My wife has just left for work and I have an overwhelming sense of uselessness and panic. I try not to pass this on, but I after she kissed me and I said "Have a good day", she said "you too", I wish the ground would've swallowed me up there and then. I said to her, "I wish I was going to work as well, it felt good being as work a while ago". The issue for me is trying to remain upbeat when I feel so worried all of the time. I can't eat properly, I lie awake in bed and I physically shake with worry that my wife will leave.

 

However. On a positive note, I decided to plaster the ceiling in one of our rooms yesterday - took all day. I think this is part of the problem though, as when I was at the same stage on one of the other rooms, that's when things went downhill and we split. Perhaps I'm just linking these together all wrong, or am I unconsciously reading signs that are truly there. Whatever it is, it's driving me mad. But, at least I'm not sitting on my laurels.

 

My wife has just been accepted for a potential promotion at work. Out of over 100 employees that applied, she was one of the 11 selected. I am so proud of her and I have watched over the years as she has built her career while she has been with me and of course, I hope that I have been a significant source of support for her over the 9 years we've been together. So, rightly or wrongly, I got her some choccies and a congratulations card yesterday. Surely this can't be interpreted incorrectly? I've always done this type of thing. She is out tonight at a networking event at a spa, as they have a corporate evening and off to the city tomorrow for work. I must not think that there is anything else happening. Normally I would never have given it a second thought, but now I am always conscious that maybe she is lying. The good thing is that after I followed her on Saturday, I can put stuff behind me and start to build up that trust again. Just can't shake the feeling that just this one act has truly ruined everything, I know that she isn't doing things other than she is telling me, deep down I know it's just me.

 

Lester: I am sure that you are right and I am spoken about when she goes out with friends. Actually, it was very interesting the other evening. Her friend had accidently sent a text to her boyfriend, to my wife. My wife commented on the fact that the text message was more "matter of fact", not loving and she made a sharp comment that "she didn't even put a kiss in it!", something that I always do. I have ordered Smalley's book and it should be in the post today.

 

You state that "When I become a genuine loving husband, her circle will be rattled". The scary thing is, is that I thought that I was being that. I love her deeply and during her 7 years illness my love for her stayed strong, although the pressure at the start did make me question if I could handle her being ill. But, I was there by her side, night and day, through the tough times (and there were very tough times) and the good, when all she had was me. I was her rock and only support. I like to think that this counted for something. I suppose that being out of work for a while, her views of me have changed. I was more angry back then also. Angry at what had been dealt after just 1 year together. It was a challenge that made the relationship get serious quickly, in just a few hours actually, and one that brought us closer together. How could this all have been forgotten. I suppose that more pressuring things have now taken root. Debt, creditors on our backs and me not working. I just think that it's all my fault that she feels she doesn't love me anymore This too makes me angry and sadder than I have ever been in my entire life.

 

bakercape: I am not liable for any unemployment payments, as my wife is working. So, I am not bringing any money into the house at all, apart from the money from my recent contract which is going straight back in to the house so we can sell it. I feel rubbish having to rely on my wife to provide income, I have to ask for money for prescriptions & petrol and it kills me every single time.

[superfox]

You'll probably hate me for this, but..

it is very VERY stressful living with a partner with depression and low self esteem. You are in danger of driving her away, to be asked daily 'do you love me?' and fretting over every detail wears you down. You have low income but have just had a holiday? You, the pair of you, need to focus your finances to get through this tough time. And it is tough, my SO has been informed he'll be made redundant next year, in an area of high unemployment. But we're making plans, and he doesn't think he's 'too good' to do any type of work. he would literally do anything to put food on the table, i know that. And guess what? i spent the summer cleaning toilets on minimum wage to pay feed my children.

 

At the moment it seems to me that you have too much time on your hands and this is making you think waaay too much.

 

1. You're doing the house up for sale - so, get doing it up, for you, for her and for your future instead of dwelling over things that might not be real.

 

2. I can't believe you receive no benefits whatsoever. If this is the case then get onto the DSS and the citizens advice bureau. The least that would happen is youll get your NI contributions paid. You should be on Jobseekers at least and you should get free prescriptions - I do as i'm on child tax credits. If you can find work, as little as 12 hours a week then working tax credits bump it up a hell of a lot. You need to swallow your pride and get educated by professional means into what you are entitled to.

 

3. Look into volunteer work, this will not only keep your mind active but will look great on your CV in the future. You need to be proactive instead of sitting waiting for everything to come to you.

 

4. Think outside the box of the work you are qualified for, no one has a job for life anymore. You need new skills and you need to eat a big slice of humble pie and go for jobs you previously thought 'beneath you'.

 

5. If you are still not entitled to benefits then they will advise you on courses you can take, free ones, that would bump up your qualifications and get you out of the house.

 

I'm sorry to seem so harsh but i couldn't live with a guy with so little get up and go and so much low self worth. I hope you start thinking about your (you and your wife's) future more and hope it all works out x

[smilieman]

Superfox, no I don't hate you! Actually I appreciate your views, many of which I have actually looked into and I always appreciate comments that will get me to think and act differently.

 

Jobseekers was only paid for 6 months and because my wife works I do not get anything else paid. As far as the holiday goes, when my wife moved back in, we discussed that a holiday would give us a much needed change of environment just to focus on us. We started to save up by taking small amounts of money from the food allowance and then when I got my temporary job the rest came from there. Not sure if me being employed for 3 months has changed this, but I cam going to check this this afternoon.

 

As far as doing other work beneath me, yes that is a problem I admit and this is what I did on my temporary job. I used to have so much confidence and self-esteem and used to be a manager for a legal firm. Now, I admit I am a shadow of my former self, due to losing my job and nearly losing my wife. Due to injuries in the past, I cannot do manual work. Living in an area dominated by manual work it's extremely difficult. I don't know of how many other agencies I need to keep in contact with, but with over 35 of them I am not just sitting around waiting for work to come to me and have been pro-actively seeking work for over 3 hours each day, and regularly entire days. As far as voluntary work goes it's difficult as I live in a tiny town. The nearest larger towns are a little way away, meaning I need to drive there. I cannot afford the petrol.

 

This is my reality as I can see it, maybe I need to review it. I had an interview week before last but had too much experience for the lesser job, apparently they told me that I would be bored. I have gone for much lesser jobs, but always get the same response. This seems to be a common thread having been a manager and I wish that I could make that decision rather than have somebody make it for me. I have changed my CV accordingly.

 

I am doing the house as much as I can. Again, it's money and living space requirements makes it hard to do a lot of the house at the same time. I am not a professional plasterer, so the room I am doing will take about a week. My wife said she will paint it while I concentrate on completing the bathroom. How can I do more things to get the house ready, when I know this will irriate my wife as it will spread the mess around. Two rooms at a time is enough. We've got stuff everywhere as it is.

 

Could I ask you to clarify your final statement, that you "hope you start thinking about your (you and your wife's) future more...". I find this interesting as this is what I thought I was doing. It's nice that somebody else has an opinion that I'm not valuing my relationship (my words) as it may help to assist me in seeing what I am 'not' doing.

 

Finally, I know that I am not the person I once was. One thing that I didn't mention in my previous post, was that I was on medication which had an adverse effect on me while I was out of work. I got so tired and depressed and having lost my jobs a couple of months previous, I seemed to have gone downhill rapidly. Combined with everything else happening last year, my wife had told me that it was difficult for her to come home to a miserable, depressed person. I guess that this view of me is still in her head. The bottom line though is, that I was ill. I stopped the medication in January this year and have felt much better, just like I used to. Unfortunately, the damage had been done and my wife left before the effects had worn off. I really don't mean this as an excuse, I don't, but if I could turn back the clock to our wedding day, without the drugs, I would do *anything* to do that - and I mean anything!

 

I suppose the question now becomes, how do I fix the problems? How do I get a job when nobody will employ me because I have too much experience, or outdated experience for positions that I would have normally done, and living in an area of high unemployment and not being able to do manual jobs?

 

This, without doubt, has been the most challenging and frustrating time of my entire life - and I'm not young! (another things that goes against me for employment).

 

Best Wishes

[superfox]

hey smilie!

 

I meant about thinking about your wife's future as in your words and actions. She knows you're unemployed, she doesn't need you to tell her 'i wish i was going to work' when you waved her off. Make the most of this (temporary) time off work to give her something to want to come home to. Learn to cook if you don't already, do the painting that she is going to do - after all she's out 9-5. Surprise her by the little stuff and don't mention the big stuff. It's a bit neanderthal but you do need to 'man up', it earns respect. Sorry for sounding so 1950's housewife

 

It's coming up to christmas (obviously!) and people hire temporary workers. I know a guy with a phd who had also studied IT and had worked in media for years. He was unemployed and due to his experience, unemployable, for a number of years. They'd, him and his wife, would beg and borrow money from friends, family, everyone to get by until he grew up. He took a temp christmas job at sainsburys in a kiosk. Hardly the wonderful career he'd planned for himself but it is a job - as we all reminded him. He was taken on full time after Christmas (last year) and has now been asked to apply for a managers position.

 

Yeah the wages will suck initially but it's more than you're getting now and would give you some self respect back. Also the £10/£20/£30 a week you could put buy would give you the funds to buy your wife a Christmas present which would mean something. Of emotional and hard work value rather than monetary.

 

As for petrol, yeah, big hard swallow here but maybe look into taking a bus or a train. It's far cheaper to get to the next town that way.

 

Use your talents in any way you can, surely you could help out with your legal managerial skills in your small town in some way? Comittee meetings or saving the church tower kind of thing?! It sounds flippant but it gets you out there, meeting people who *may* have contacts and again, CV worthy. Dog walking, working in the pub, odd jobs, CV writing, offer your skills of what you have to get by. I've been there, trust me and i know how hard it is. I retrained as my children grew up, printed off flyers and posted them through every house door in my area offering my new skills. It didn't help me much but it spurred me on. I found employment in a salon where i could use these skills and then the recession hit. so i left to clean at £5.93 an hour - woo me! Hahaha! My children and my friends never knew how soul destroying i found it but do you know what? it was honest work and it fed my children - even if i went without food.

 

I don't mean to lecture you in any way but i know what it's like. When my SO loses his job next year he'll lose it along with 600 other guys with a knock on effect of 10,000 workers. But we have no debt, we'll owe nothing but household bills and any job is a bonus. I'd rather have '101 ways with mince beef' and be happy than be able to eat 7 fillet steaks a week and worry about his health and our future. Everyone is in the same boat in the UK at the moment, sadly.

 

So don't let your wife paint the bedroom, you do it, then move onto the bathroom. Keep the mess to one room at a time only. Clutter and mess = more stress, for both of you. keep it to one room you can shut the door behind.

 

And lists. Make lists and get a clock. Spend 1 hour job hunting every day online (use the .gov jobsite) and apply for at least three of those a day, anything. Then move on to the house for x amount of hours. Spend an hour getting your (yours and hers) evening meal ready and have a bath run for her tonight when she gets home. Treat her like a princess and not your counsellor.

[smilieman]

Wow! How positive are you Superfox!

 

In hindsight and with your comments, I agree that I should stop speaking about how I wish I had a job and just get on with doing stuff. It's just when I 'make up' in my head that our relationship is ended, it cripples me, but I can see what effect this now has on her.

 

I love this woman and I have absolutely *never* felt this way about anybody in my entire life. It ripped my heart out each and every day when she was ill. I held her hand while she had liver biopsy after biopsy (she had to be awake) and the recovery time was unbearable as once she wasn't pulling through fast enough. Then when she got arthritis and had to shuffle down the stairs on her bum and she couldn't walk as it was too painful, it ripped my heart out again. She's a brave, brave woman. I done my bit all those times supporting her physically and mainly emotionally, running around doing everything as you would expect, making things up as I went along, while her family and friends were nowhere to be seen. I used to wake up at night and make sure she was still alive by touching her to make her stir. I never once felt sorry for her, but I cared more than words can explain and my love for her grew stronger, while she used to continually say "You won't love me any more, when I get fat", as a result of the high-dose steroids that she was on. In truth, I loved her more and we got so close....... I wonder where that closeness has now gone, I desperately want it back.

 

Currently I do all of the housework, with exception of the ironing. I've been discouraged from doing this as it takes me ages! However, I didn't do this last year as I was severely depressed and under the effects of heavy sedative medication unnecessarily - bad doctor - here the damage was done. She used to do everything and work all day. It wasn't intentional and truthfully, I cannot remember much of last year at all. Now, I can and do cook, make cakes & bread also and make her sandwiches for work each and every day while she is getting ready for work. She is my princess. Last night, after plastering all day and polishing the plaster until 10pm last night, I still cooked dinner for us. I insisted.

 

Lightbulb moment! Christmas Work! I'll have to pop around the stores and see if they need any overnight stacking people or something else. Great idea! It's not likely that I will be offered another contract this close to Christmas any way and I was expecting 2 phone calls today from agencies, to no avail - as usual!

 

As far as Christmas pressies go, I shall be getting her something this year from the wages that I earned in my contract. Can only afford a very small amount, but it will be the first Xmas pressie I have bought her for 3 years for not having a job. And, I did a *lot* of hard work in order to earn it - on minimum wage. To me it means a lot to be able to buy her something.

 

Dog Walking!!!! Did you know that I used to train dogs? Forgot about that! As far as the painting goes, the plastering should all be done by Monday, so by next weekend I can start painting. I'll be able to get it done in 2 or 3 days. You are right, she shouldn't do it, even though it was her suggestion. However, if she wants to help then I won't be able to stop her and it will help us bond a bit better maybe anyway?

 

I had a thought on the way down the shops to buy groceries. We started out life together moving in a new house, we rented. Then we brought this one and she was then taken ill at the same time we exchanged contracts. The whole house and environment has never really been "home". Bad neighbours for years, the house itself & the location. It would be nice to "start again" when we move, renting again. A different environment, different things around and it will interrupt the pattern of this place. I shall focus on that, that is my outcome and I shall get us to that position by getting this house done, bit by bit, each and every day that I am home. The goal is to get the house on the market by end of Jan. I shall work as hard as I can to accomplish that. As you say, an hour a day job hunting, then on to diy, and housework. Why have I only just realised this?

 

My wife has just called "as we speak". I was upbeat and it made a difference in the conversation. I told her that I was down the gym tonight (she is at a spa on a work networking event for a couple of hours). I've made a deal with the local gym that I will take photos for their promotional material in return for a months membership. It's nice to get out and it gives my wife an hour or so alone a couple of evenings a week, which is nice. I shall do the bath thing tomorrow for her as she is travelling to the city and back and has a quite stressful day. I was going to cook a meal, set the table, candles & a film, but I'm not sure how she will take it, maybe it will be too much.

 

One last thing. I know that I type a lot as I type as I speak (actually, I typed more than this but lost it when I pressed the post button - damn!). I really appreciate your time in reading and responding. Thank you for giving me a little kick up the butt that I needed. I was feeling sorry for myself, like I do when things go wrong. I was so sure that I ruined things. But it was just a mis-take. I feel much more positive and can't believe the clarity of thought I have at the moment thinking about the replies I have had. It's nice to have an outcome that I want to achieve and have got a way to do it.

 

Thank you, truly, thank you.

S.

[Lester]

When a wife is unhappy with her husband it’s rarely just one offense and the offenses are typically within the husband’s control. Husbands need to understand this. Hence, Smalley and Dobson. (There are other books, but these are the two that saved my marriage in the crisis stage.)

 

When it comes to money, you can only do what you can do.

 

If you are depressed… don’t let it show. If you can, get off medications asap.

 

You don’t own your wife. She’s on loan to you till you die. When you do, you can only take three things with you. You’re honor, integrity and a smile.

 

Given time everybody will let you down. It’s okay and normal. Again, smile.

 

Being genuinely in love with someone means you are constantly changing, leaning and improving. If that’s not enough… you’re not compatible.

 

PS, Pray thank you(s) to your maker. When I was at my lowest point I tried it.

Day or two later my wife began her long journey back to me.

This is when I became a man and a husband.

[smilieman]

It's so nice to be able to share views with others, it keeps me on track and gives me hope.

 

Lester: Money's a funny thing and causes so much stress, or lack of it. My wife car's water pump went last night and the money that I was going to use to get the house done (that I earnt on my contract), now needs to be spent on that. Now, again, it's all gone. I'm a bit sad really, as this was the money that I was going to get my wife xmas present with too. Now, I'll have to find another way. It's the only money we had.

 

I'm not depressed as such, I don't think so, not now. More like worried and feel guilty that I'm not bringing money in.

 

I was on medication. I was put on it 5 years ago for anxiety at work. High pressure, high workload, working around the clock a lot of the time. When I lost that job due to outsourcing, I had only been on the tablets for 6 months and they should have been stopped. The doctor told me to keep taking them because I was out of work. I took them for a few years, under advice by the doctor, but they killed me. I went into a deep depression and when I lost my second job a couple of years later, I got worse. This is when my wife left me. She couldn't cope with me coming home miserable. I came off them in January under supervision from another doctor, who said they should have been stopped when I lost my first job, as I was being treated initially for anxiety. They were anti-depressants with a strong sedative effect. I felt awful. Couldn't keep awake, felt so desperately tired and really couldn't function. Everything was an effort. Now I'm fine.

 

But the damage has been done.

 

No, I don't own my wife and I would never think that I do. I am not controlling, although I have been asking a lot of questions lately which may have been annoying. I do genuinely love my wife. I really questionned this when she was ill and it was the love that I had for her that kept me there for her, it certainly tested me. But I really put on her a lot last year, I know I did, and ever since I came off the tablets I have been trying to find a way to put that right. It is something that I deeply regret and I promised myself there and then, then I would *never* take her for granted again. You really don't know how much I've been beating myself up over this. I need to put it right - somehow, someway.

 

I really wish that I was religious. I do. It would maybe make things a little easier, help me understand. My mother only used to pray when things went wrong, which left a sour taste in my mouth. I'd feel hypocritical. But I do wonder sometimes. Perhaps I should.

 

Today was tough this morning. I drove my wife to the train station as she is in the City today. I asked her if she would like me to wave her off (I've always done this), she replied "If you like". Quite nicely. She would normally hold my hand walking along the station, but not this morning. I put my arm around her waiting for the train to keep he warm, it was chilly. I would normally do these things, she didn't respond. It was as much as she could do to kiss me goodbye and that was just a peck. I waved goodbye and then felt awful heading home. Remaining upbeat all of the time when I am being rejected, what seems like almost constantly, is tough. One builds on the other and another.

 

Anyway, I've sorted her car out today and it's to late to plaster now - I have no light in the room and it gets dark before I finish, so I'll have to do that tomorrow.

 

I suppose I'll just have to tough it out. I now don't know whether to kiss her, cuddle her, touch her anymore. We did last week and before that - I wonder what's changed.

 

See ya.

S.

 

PS. Book will be here next week, pity not sooner.

[superfox]

Fabulous that you've had some light bulb moments Smilie! Sometimes we need guidance on where to start first but I'm excited for you!

 

The painting the room together is a great idea! Make a picnic and get some songs on the iPod that you both remember from when you first met, it really will bring you closer. And fingers crossed for your sale! I'm kinda in the same boat and it's so disheartening being in the wrong house and not a 'home'. It'll be a new start for the pair of you

[smilieman]

Panicing again, why does this happen? What is the thought that I have before these feelings start? This one:

 

My wife hasn't called. Normally when she's has been in the City before, she has called at lunchtime, every time, today nothing. But why should she? To ask about her car perhaps? But she's busy networking with people and having lunch. I know this, but just one little call? I have not contacted her at all either, to give her space.

 

So, to amuse myself, I've prepared the bedroom walls for plastering tomorrow. Took a couple of hours. Done washing, going to pick up my wife's car and then I shall clean the kitchen.

 

Her seminar finishes at 4pm. Here I go again......

 

Then, I had another lightbulb moment. I have Michelle Weiner-Davis book "Divorce Busting" that I got last time. I re-read the Midlife crisis part at the back, as I did before. It's all fallen into place again. This is a similar explanation to WAWS and it made sense. Just like last time I need to back off. No questions, minimal interest, be polite & courteous and let her have time alone. She needed this last weekend. Don't know what she will be doing tomorrow, but I will be doing DiY all day, so she can be free to do what she pleases as all the housework is done.

 

Apparently, things getting better and then going backwards is all par for the course and could last months or years (God, hope it's not that long). I was strong last time and now I need to dig extra deep today and adapt fast. I thought that things were getting better and so I allowed myself to get closer, but now I need to back off a bit. It's hard to build on this type of behaviour, as it's not a one-step-at-a-time thing. It's more like 6 steps forward, 5 steps back. But, at least that comes out at....umm....one step forward.

 

I hope this evening will bring about a relaxed atmosphere. Whatever it holds, have things planned for me to do, so I don't have to make up excuses on the spot.

 

"My Darling, I love you. I know you feel confused as I have seen it before and I see it now, in your eyes. But I hope that you can see the light from my heart in your darkness, so it can guide you back close to me - to the warmest and sincerest love that I am able to give. I just hope it's enough. x"

 

Sorry, feel silly, but needed to express. Huh hum!

[smilieman]

I'm kinda in the same boat and it's so disheartening being in the wrong house and not a 'home'.

You not kidding, nasty isn't it? I knew this wasn't the right home shortly after my wife got ill, we had just bought it. Ever since it has drained us. 4 Couples living around us in about 10 houses (including next door), have all split and divorced. Gotta be something, eh?

 

iPod, music, painting, yeah! Now, the only song that I can remember is Kylie, "Is the World still spinning around!". It was going through my head for weeks!

[superfox]

You not kidding, nasty isn't it? I knew this wasn't the right home shortly after my wife got ill, we had just bought it. Ever since it has drained us. 4 Couples living around us in about 10 houses (including next door), have all split and divorced. Gotta be something, eh?

 

iPod, music, painting, yeah! Now, the only song that I can remember is Kylie, "Is the World still spinning around!". It was going through my head for weeks!

Yeah, this house was a stop gap after my separation and three and a half years on I'm still in it! Grr! I'm waiting for the divorce finances so I can move in with my bf who's an hour and a bit away, should have moved in August but *somebody* needs a rocket up his backside I was looking through old record and it turns out that no one stays in this house for more than 2/3 years! It's a 100 yr old terrace, weird! So yeah, ready to move!

 

Kylie huh? Hahaha!

 

Great poem btw but don't get all maudlin, and as for the sel help books, don't pull away too much. Keep strong and positive! Have a great weekend

[Lester]

Talking to a young single Mom relative who is also not "religious" over the Holiday. She's miserable... she followed the mass media's, (tv, Glamor mag, etc.), advice for a "modern" women's happiness and ended up with a son from a married, lying, creepy traveling salesman. She payed the bum off and now is suffering. What happened? "Her religion" failed her. We all have religion... find one that gives instead of takes.

 

A wedding does not create a husband. Changing the water pump yourself, (quietly, no talk!), so you can have money for her is the field husbands are grown in.

 

We all have anxiety... it's normal and will pass, if you let it. Pills are a mass media pushed religion. Proper short term usage may be okay but anything other is you refusing to be a husband/man. Sorry

 

Don't expect much from your wife. Be happy, work, pray and smile.

 

Take what you can get and stop expecting. She's trying. Millions of husbands tonight would die just to have that.

[abitbroken]

I think that it is fine if your wife goes for a cup of coffee with her friends a couple of times a week. It is not expensive. And it gives her a little bit of a break, too. If she were going on trips with them, etc., then that's different. Just because you are not working doesn't mean that she can't take care of herself emotionally - and I think that is what she is doing with that.

 

I think it is dangerous to act as your own doctor and take yourself off meds, btw. But now you need to replace it with daily walks to get fresh air, and exercise to keep yourself motivated and not as down.

 

Also, during the three month job, did you just go to work everyday, or were you sending out resumes at night and working on getting interviews, knowing it wasn't permanent?

 

I agree with making yourself someone she wants to come home to - take the burden off of her by learning to cook a few dishes, even a fancy dessert, and keeping on top of things at the house.

 

Also, as far as your resume, I wonder if it would be a good idea to join Toastmasters, the rotary, etc, where you will meet and network with others? Also, I would change my resume and tailor it to different jobs you apply for. There are ways to make your experience sound more like a match to something. I would also volunteer.

 

Also, are you an an industry where you should consider retraining if your job just doesn't exist anymore? Would your wife be open to relocating, or moving somewhere between your two jobs if you found something good?

[smilieman]

Lester, the way you talk makes sense to me. Yes she is trying, I firmly believe that. But yesterday was tough. I got up early to have breakfast and get ready to do the plastering as soon as it got light. My wife got up around 7:30 and was quiet. Very quiet. While I was plastering, she stood there at the door just watching. Asked me how I was getting on, but after I told her, nothing. She just stood there and watched, for ages about 20 mins, without a word! About an hour later she said that she was going to walk to the shop to get something for lunch and get the stuff on the shopping list. She said goodbye and off she went. By the time I'd finished and cleared up, she was back and she was more talkative. This is *exactly* how she was last time just before she announced that she wanted to split.

 

I'm afraid that I was unable to replace the water pump. The engine mounting needed to be dropped in order for it to be fitted. I didn't have the equipment necessary to do that. Cars are not my forte. Plumbing, plastering, decorating, electrics, garden stuff - bot not cars. It's been fixed now. £200 lighter. That was the money for the bathroom tiles and xmas gift for her. I must try and find a way to get out to work. I haven't been able to find xmas work around here, absolutely nothing. Even the Job Centre hasn't got any!!!

 

More plastering today.

 

abitbroken I didn't take myself off the meds! Perhaps I was a bit vague. I went to see a different doctor to tell him that I didn't feel right, I thought it was the tablets and I wanted to come off them. He told me that I shouldn't have been on them and monitored me throughout.

 

Yep, I've been applying for jobs evening/weekends while I was out at work. I have just started to tailor my CV for the jobs that I'm applying for. My biggest issue at the moment is agencies calling me about a position, going through all the motions and then the company who they are acting for decide not to take the position further. This happens almost every single week! I'm waiting to hear back from a couple of jobs this week. I would love to go to Toastmasters but they charge a membership - shame. As far as retraining is concerned, I sort of have. I'm in IT at the moment and competition is fierce. I retrained as a life coach a few years back - Would you believe - and am trying to get that off to a start now. Shame it's impossible to be you own coach!!!

 

I do the cooking too! And the housework. I don't do it "all" as we discussed this when she came home in June and she felt that I had taken it all from her and she liked doing some stuff. So she does the ironing.

 

Excuses! I feel like all I'm doing is making excuses, even though I'm not. After plastering today, I have to wait a day before I can do the other 2 walls, so I shall spend some time chasing work.

 

Thank you all for your views.

 

Update I mentioned yesterday that I wouldn't mind going for a coffee later, after plastering. My wife asked if I wanted to go after I'd finished, so we did. She went to the shop to get some tights and then we went for a coffee. When we got out of the car and walked accross the car park, she took my hand. Conversation flow was fine, nothing special.

 

I still feel a bit lost and keep wondering what's going to happen over the next few days. As you say all I can do is work, pray, be happy and smile....

[smilieman]

God I feel bad. I was plastering again today and my wife tidied the garden. I said that I had run out of PVA glue and she said "I can go and get some." Ok, I said, thank you. The shop is in the next town, so it was obvious that she wanted to get out. This is as a result of last weekend when I followed her, I felt like some control freak - how the hell do they live with themselves. My wife was acting like a caged animal.

 

So, I said, "Just because of what happened last weekend, don't think that I mind you going out. I learn from my mistakes - quickly". About half an hour later I said to her, "I'm surprised that you are not going to go round to see your friend". She replied, "Well, she did text me to ask if I was going round. Perhaps I'll go round to see her, then go to the store". I said OK and told her I would be a while anyway. So off she went.

 

I didn't apologies again - done that a few times before.

 

This is awful and must be how people start off controlling people. How can people do things like this.

 

Gotta go

S.

[mindi]

I have not read everything on this thread yet, but I wanted to say what I am thinking so far. I bet if the roles were reversed and you had a job and she didn't, you wouldn't feel like * * * * and you wouldn't mind if she didn't have a job. Times have changed and things are hard. It isn't only the man's job to provide income anymore. We live in a world where women have a lot of expectations, including raising children, providing financial support for their family, coming home to cook a meal and clean the house and to look good while doing it. For some reason, this hurts a man's pride, not being the sole/main provider anymore. Women don't stay home anymore to take care of the house like they used to (I honestly feel this is harmful in cases where children are involved, being raised by daycares, babysitters etc, but that is another story). Sometimes they make more money than their husbands. Sometimes, their husbands don't work for whatever reason..

 

Now you are the "home maker". Cook the meals, do the grocery shopping, clean the house, do the laundry, etc. Keep up with the renovations whenever you can. You will feel good providing a lovely home for your wife to come home to every evening. Take pride in this, and she will feel it. Be confident and bold about it. Be happy, not pathetic, no one wants a pathetic husband (not that you are).

 

If you are looking for work, you can try more entry level positions as well, such as call centers, retail, fast food, bars, cleaning, etc. There are many jobs that people don't want to do (because they suck) but at least you will have income.

 

As for spending time together, that does not require money! Take walks together in the evenings, hold her hand and talk about what you want to do with your lives together, your hopes and dreams, etc. It isn't cheesy, it will make you feel less worried about her leaving you if you know you have a future together.

 

I know all of these things are hard to do when you are depressed, but once you get started, it will feel really good.

[mindi]

BTW, if she leaves you there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot control it, or her, so stop worrying about it. You will make yourself sick and it will affect your relationship. I am not saying this to scare you, I am saying it so you understand that you are worried over something you can't control. What is the point in that?

[smilieman]

If you are looking for work, you can try more entry level positions as well, such as call centers, retail, fast food, bars, cleaning, etc. There are many jobs that people don't want to do (because they suck) but at least you will have income.

 

I know all of these things are hard to do when you are depressed, but once you get started, it will feel really good.

Thanks Mindi. I do wish that is was this easy to find a job around here. I can't find anything, I know it sounds stupid, but I don't know where else to look. My wife had a look yesterday for 3 hours on the job boards online and nothing, apart from things I can't do like care assistants, and manual labour jobs. I wish I could do them, but my body won't allow it. The other thing is age. Retail positions like a chemist and fashion outlet, won't want a middle-aged man serving the young clientele that frequents these places.

 

I wouldn't say that I was depressed, more like extremely worried about the future and what will happen. Yes, I know. I can't predict the future and if my wife decides to leave then there is absolutely nothing I can do. Still hard to swallow. What my intention is, is to find a way to stop this happening. Talking with people here is fantastic and I appreciate every moment of time people spend at their keyboards giving me their views. I helps me ascertain if I'm doing something that I am unaware of that will make her want to leave more, or in fact even stay. I think you're right though. With this though track it will affect my.

 

The reason I need to get out to work is to pay our debts and to get this house finished. I've been working my butt off this weekend and will again today, in order to get this room finished. Plastering should be finished today. We used to walk all the time, but my wife doesn't want to go for walks anymore. The area isn't great. We always used to talk about our future and dreams, but recently this has been hard. Probably because it's so up in the air and also partly because what we have spoken about in the past hasn't materialised.

 

Thanks for your advice,

S.