So scared that my Marriage will end - again.

[smilieman]

Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything this morning. But because of the way I felt yesterday about my wife reluctance to go out when she wanted to, it played on my mind. So, I said something. Don't get me wrong, I didn't come accross all needy or anything, was upbeat and firm, but I said:

 

"I know that I was wrong last weekend, but I needed to discount what was going on in my head then. I did that and I can assure you that this won't be happening again. Neither do I want to control you, or stop you from doing the things that you want to do. I was wrong. I'm sorry. I just hope that you'll be able to find a way to forgive me at some point. I can assure you that I won't be asking what you're doing or where you're going again, or asking any questions that make you feel that I don't trust you."

 

She responded, "I don't think you're controlling".

 

Then, I went out to defrost and warm her car for her. I do this every time it's icy and this morning it was icy. I was surprised that she come to give me a kiss before she got in the car, but like last time, I can't apply any meaning to this. It was nice though.

 

The last thing I want to do is push her. I was speaking to a counsellor last week. I went to see her just to get me head straight. She kept insisting that I have it out with my wife and find out if we have any future together. From what I have learnt this year, this isn't necessarily the best way to approach things and will probably push her away more. It's tough 'holding in there' wondering what's happening. As Lester said earlier, perhaps she's working through things herself. I just wish that I knew.

 

Here we go then, more plastering! Last lot today, so by the time she comes home it will all be done! Gotta be a bonus!

[Lester]

There are simply no guarantees in life or marriage. Money, of course is a big hitter but no less than cancer. So what's a husband to think?

 

- If you two were compatible before marriage with no excessive sexual/material traps to force the union than she is most likely it... your one and only, your wife.

- Love can hit hard spots. What to do? Stop talking so much and listen. Know you can only change yourself but that is enough to change a world no less your marriage.

- Expect and find good things each day. (yep, they are all around us)

 

Homework:

Together, go find a adult teeter-totter. Solid wood, six-foot on each side with solid bracing in the middle. When your side is down her feet should be at least two feet off the ground. You may have to slide forward to find a good balance.

 

Now go up and down. In time 'floats' will occur. Notice how short they are at first.

You now know more about marriage than all the counselors in the world.

 

Fifty-fifty is just a popular myth.

[smilieman]

Oh Lester, you did make me smile!

 

Listen. Yes this is something that I have been learning this year. Not just listen, but really *Listen*. The thing is, I have to "listen" to behaviour, as my wife doesn't talk about feelings and things. She put her ipod playlist on yesterday for me when I was plastering. Tell you what, that was an eye opener! A lot of tracks were romantic power ballads about people splitting up, relationship issues and getting back together!

 

Yes we were compatible before marriage. 8 years in fact, without hitch, although admittedly I had a bit of a temper back then and used to shout a lot and toss things around sometimes. She used to hate it. I saw that and stopped. That was over 5 years ago now and I'm not like that anymore. Will never be again. It was a trait picked up from my father.

 

Ghandi - Changed the world, one person. Crikey that brought a lump into my throat. Yes it only takes one person. I just feel that I know nothing about relationships all of a sudden, let alone marriage. Counsellor always seem to go down the same route and focus on problems. When my wife came home I said to her "Let's focus on us for a while". I meant it and it was working. What changed? Well things do go up and down I suppose, especially when she is probably working things out for herself. But I think that last weekend when I followed her was the killer. Have I learnt from this? Hell yeah! And it's not the person that I was to be.

 

50-50 is a popular myth, I agree. NLP teaches that each person in a conversation is responsible for 100% of it.

 

Right - now I need to find a Teeter-Totter.....? See-Saw perhaps? Sounds like fun actually...!!!! Good metaphor though.

 

S.

[Lester]

Metaphor yes, but it’s also practical homework for an ailing marriage.

I think a lot marriages could be saved each year if couples would get on see-saw once or twice a year.

 

You said, “The last thing I want to do is push her.”

- Smart! It’s not about her... it’s about you changing. (The only way a husband can save his marriage.)

 

You said, “I was speaking to a counsellor last week. I went to see her just to get me head straight. She kept insisting that I have it out with my wife and find out if we have any future together.”

- You’re smarter than your counselor! Beware of these people!!! There will be a time for un-resolved issues, (takes years), but not now. It will be viewed by your wife as controlling and could drive her into the arms of an “understanding man”. Your counselor is an idiot.

 

You said, “It's tough 'holding in there' wondering what's happening.”

- There is nothing new under the sun. Your wife is unhappy with you and it’s your job to find out why and change, if you can.

This is done quietly and with confidence. She must sense that you want her in your life and would be sad if she left but in time would be happy again. (You NEVER say that line to her! You don’t have to.)

[smilieman]

Metaphor yes, but it’s also practical homework for an ailing marriage.

I think a lot marriages could be saved each year if couples would get on see-saw once or twice a year.

Fabulous! There isn't anywhere around here with a see-saw, I must find on an give it a go. It certainly as put a smile on my face.

 

The counsellor is not a long-term thing. It's a woman round the doctor clinic who's there once a week. Like you say, I mentioned to her the situation and what can I do as I tend to panic a lot and her first port of call is to "have it out" with my wife. I told her that I didn't want to do this as I know it wouldn't help matters.

 

Good news today. I was contacted by the company that I had my temporary contract with, they want me back. So, I'm going in one day this week and 4 next week. The other good news is that I have an interview! Job market is tough though and I've been out of touch with IT stuff for a while (especially at the server admin level that I'm going for). There is a practical technical test, so I hope that it all comes flooding back! I must do loads of revision and getting myself up to speed. That's the evenings sorted out.

 

Yes, she is unhappy with me. Why? Well, I don't think that it's one thing. I think that it's partly due to being out of work. I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to find out what else, unless she talks. Maybe if I just get on with the house continually (I think that my sporadic nature could be an issue), then this will help. Bit by bit the house will be nearer selling point. I'm also a bit insecure since she previously announced that she wanted to split. I must make it a priority to get over this. One thing that I want to be is that "understanding man". I was that man when we got together and during out relationship. I cannot see how I'm not understanding anymore. Thought I was, but perhaps I am lacking a bit? I shall revisit this.

 

Un-resolved issues - I'm glad you said that it takes years! Somepeople says that it sometimes takes months.

 

Thanks Lester,

S.

 

PS. I wish my book would come! Still waiting for it from Amazon!

[Lester]

You can date/live with a woman for years and once you marry it all changes. Why? Back to the see-saw... when you thought everything was great she was low on the other end of the see-saw. This is not natural and impossible to maintain forever.

Couples who quickly wed can, (and usually do), experience the same loop-sidedness for years.

 

When the women tires, (the move away), the husband typically panics and tries to get things back to what he thought was “center”. This is viewed as bullying by the wife and many times destroys the marriage.

 

How does it destroy the marriage? (Not to scare you… but you should know.)

After years of low self-esteem she becomes needy.

Needy females are magnets for scumbags. ie(UM’s)

They listen. (Smirk and a wink.)

They are close. Most likely someone you know. The wife most likely has mentioned him in the past.

With the help of mass media’s green grass fantasy machine which targets unhappy women she can make horrible decisions.

This destroys most compatible marriages.

 

I'm not saying this is you but you should know.

Don’t panic, ask or confront. Just be aware and keep changing to be the best you can be.

 

PS, When a husband finally notices a problem with the wife a brick wall has been built between them. Each brick is an offense by the husband which hurt his wife deeply. By never apologizing the bricks remain. Money is a brick or two or maybe even a row… but it not all the bricks.

[superfox]

Good luck with the interview! Excellent news!!!

Next plan. You're terrified of her leaving you as you've split before, but, you got back together. Think of it as a new chapter in your relationship. No looking back to what ifs. Desperation is not attractive, it'll make you feel tense and we can sense tension, not good. So put all those thoughts in the bin

[smilieman]

Thank you! I hope it goes ok. I'm a bit worried as there is a technical test and I've been out of the 'loop' for a couple of years. It is a practical test though, so I should be better on that as I'm a hands-on type person.

 

Everything was going wrong yesterday morning. My plaster was sliding down the wall, I fell of my platform and cracked my back and head on my workbench and I couldn't work my plaster enough before it dried too hard to flatten as I didn't want to drag it off the wall. But I rescued it and I found that I had 2 missed calls for work tomorrow and next week and an e-mail for an interview. How quickly things can change.

 

I started looking at it as a new chapter, but the problem that I have is that I don't think that my wife does. Is it really looking back, or just living each day in the situation? She doesn't talk about what wrong. She talks about work and other stuff, but only briefly. Each time I say anything, she does the same thing she did before, gives a little fake laugh (whether it's funny or not) and that's all I get. How can I get past this? I haven't a clue. I'm trying to go forwards and she seems to be going backwards. We got so far and now I feel it slipping away again.

 

We arranged to go out for coffee this week at lunch, but I can't make it now. I asked her this morning if she would like to do lunch on Friday after my interview. I've just realised that this is making plans and something that I shouldn't be doing. Of course, she didn't commit. She said she would look in her diary. I would expect her to say that she can't make it as she's having lunch with somebody else. Probably her secretary.

 

I feel confused this morning. Reading all of your views, I am coming to the conclusion that I should just be focusing entirely on me? Do I hold conversation, or wait for her to start it? Do I suggest going out, or not? If I don't will she think that I'm not interested in her and push her away because I'm not paying her attention?

 

One of the big things before is that she didn't feel that I was being affectionate enough. To her affection is cuddles. We've been doing this, but since last weekend this has stopped. She crawls to one edge of the bed each night and doesn't want to come to sit with me on the sofa any more. I really am not sure the best course of action here. Do I go to cuddle her, or leave her alone? Do I go to kiss her, or not (she kissed me today, goodbye when she left for work). Do I carry on trying to hold a normal relationship, or just back right off?

 

Lester your views are interesting, but I'm not sure what to do with that information. Doesn't this stuff ever apply to men? Hasn't she hurt me too? So why don't I go all quiet and make her guess what's wrong so that she can feel rubbish every day? Why is it just women that seem to produce this behaviour. It just feels like one big guessing game and I have no hope of knowing what to fix. Earlier on I was advised to stop apologising, then Lester says that each brick in the wall that she has built remain because apologies have not been made - How can this 'wall' be broken down? How can I apologise for things that I don't know that I've done? If I did apologise for some things that I know I had done wrong in the past (years ago), how would she see me then? Would this help to knock that wall down?

 

Too many questions. God, I'm confused.

 

S.

 

PS. Plastering last wall today. I wonder if me doing all of this stuff is having any kind of effect to the way that she sees me. She seems to pay very little interest.

[smilieman]

Oh, I forgot. I'm not sure whether or not I should be initiating No Contact during this time. I usually text her quickly, but it usually works just that way around. She never contacts me. She used to each lunchtime before we split up, but now she doesn't. There has been about 3 occasions in 4 months when she has.

 

It used to be nice having a chat during the day, I used to like to here her voice and 'Connect'. But now we can't.

 

Also, have you heard of a guy called "Mort Fertel"? Marriage Fitness (link removed). He's all about contacting each other every day just for a quick chat and going out once each week with each other, alone. He also recommends touching each other - holding hands, touching feet and or just a quick brush as you walk past. He calls them "Talk charge", "Touch Charge" and "Date Night". Not sure whether or not this is a good idea. Being doing this, but doesn't seem to have any effect.

[Lester]

S. In your life, how many times did you hear someone say marriage is hard? Welcome to marriage Simlie...

Saving a compatible marriage will be the hardest thing you ever do/did in you life.

 

I saved my marriage with what I have been telling you. Does this mean I am the end all? Of course not.

Your marriage is unique and therefore you must quickly take in as much information as you can and apply it, trial and error fashion to your marriage. I will warn you... anger and denial go hand and hand with a failed marriages. If you want to buy a diamond would ask a Carpenter for advice? Be careful.

 

Helpful hint:

A husbands mind is full a boxes. Each box thought, problem, experience. They are separate and is opened and closed one at a time. Your wife's mind does not work that way. Her's is like a ball of string whereas all of her thoughts, problems and experiences are connected in one long line. [some guy on Focus on the Family radio show last week.] She not like you...

 

Helpful hint 2:

Don't worry about remembering/knowing what the bricks are... SHE WILL TAKE CARE OF THAT FOR YOU! The trick is to get her talking by changing into a loving husband...

When she begins to talk about old offenses you'll know it and at that time you will carefully listen and then apologize. Unfortunately you are not there yet.

 

Keep contacting her in a loving, (non-stalking, not too much ), fashion. She is hurting and needs you.

When she begins to talk... you must be in front of her listening. No phone or txt.

Once she starts... say "I think I understand" and keep listening.

 

PS, Smalley's book will help you with all of this. Never let her see it! Never tell her about what you are doing to save your marriage.

[Lester]

Beware of catchy tittled books!

Each book has a few good lines in them, (I read a dozen), but the covers make promises they can never keep. I almost puke whenever I hear ("Talk charge", "Touch Charge" and "Date Night")

Silly superficial dating techniques are not the problem and will not save a failing marriage. (Saved marriages are not in the authors best interest. They love repeaters.)

 

There's nothing wrong with holding her hand at the right time. You'll know. Doing it to move the marriage where you want it be viewed as more bullying/weakness or worse. (Sex can/could be viewed by her as rape in the crisis stage.) Yes, I know this is hard and hurts... I've been there. I'm telling you what you need to hear.

 

 

The biggest problem in any marriage in crisis stage is wasted time.

Want today to count? Want to accomplish more today than all the secular books in the world could teach you? Humble yourself to her correction.

 

 

Helpful hints:

Please excuse the following caps... but i need to make this point to you...

 

BEWARE OF ANYBODY WHO SAYS IT TAKES TWO. In a healthy marriage yes... yours is not healthy!

BEWARE OF ANYBODY WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T SAVE IT BY YOURSELF. I did! And so have others. (Pushing her will do just that and it's not love!)

BEWARE OF COUNSELORS. They all have something to offer by waste too much time in the delivery.

BEWARE OF QUICK FIX ADVICE. Once out of the crisis stage it will take years make a healthy marriage.

To have a chance... you must out of the crisis stage.

[Lester]

You said, "I am coming to the conclusion that I should just be focusing entirely on me?"

- Yes... it's the only thing you can change.

 

You said, "Do I hold conversation, or wait for her to start it? Do I suggest going out, or not? If I don't will she think that I'm not interested in her and push her away because I'm not paying her attention?"

- Relax. There's is no boyfriend, (i hope), so all you have to do is listen, remember and be loving. It will fall into place. Do what feels right.

 

You said, "One of the big things before is that she didn't feel that I was being affectionate enough. To her affection is cuddles."

- Look for the meaning behind her words. Most likely she is saying intimate. Again, listen closely. (Many husbands, (me), have this problem. Takes practice.)

[Lester]

I’m throwing everything at you. Some may or may not apply. I could feed it to you slowly like I have done with other men, (click my name for previous posts), but time is the enemy in failing marriages. If she cheats you won't want her back. A husband can stop this. (Credit to you... you must be a pretty decent man.)

 

You said, "Lester your views are interesting, but I'm not sure what to do with that information. Doesn't this stuff ever apply to men?

- I talk about the differences between men and women only to help save the union. Does it ever apply to women? Yes, but differently. If you were the wife I would give different advice. That said, Please note Smalley’s chapter five, “Climbing out of Marriage’s deepest pit.” page 80

“If a couple has been married for more than five years, any persistent disharmony in their marriage relationship is usually attributable to the husband’s lack of understanding and applying genuine love.”

S. Incompatible/trapped marriages aside I have never found Smalley’s above view to be wrong.

 

You said, “Hasn't she hurt me too?”

- I glanced at some of your old posts and see no mention of kids, boyfriend, (best friend) and cheating. So to answer your question about her “hurting you”….

NO… Not yet! You have only had a little taste of hurt.

 

You said, “So why don't I go all quiet and make her guess what's wrong so that she can feel rubbish every day?

- Because you are a good guy and she is most likely only thinking about cheating. If she was getting ready to cheat the above, modified, might be recommended

 

You said, “Why is it just women that seem to produce this behavior. It just feels like one big guessing game and I have no hope of knowing what to fix.”

- She’s a woman.

 

PS, You can only change yourself.

[smilieman]

Hi Lester. Blimey, You've been going all out t help me. I really appreciate your time and advice. I am taking everything in a seriously! However, it's difficult for me to reply tonight and tomorrow I'm at work for the day. I will digest what you have said. Hopefully my book will arrive tomorrow, so I'll be able to do some reading on Thursday/Friday.

 

No, there's no kids, boyfriends (I'm aware of) or cheating as far as I'm aware. If there was, I would end it myself. And, I hope she's not thinking about cheating either!

 

My wife came home tonight all in a good mood. Gave me a slapper of a kiss and has spoken to me like normal. So, I listened.......

 

Once again, thank you. I shall let you know my thoughts on Thursday, if that's ok?

 

PS. I listened to that radion show (podcast) that you mentioned. Comical & interesting. "A womans brain is like a ball of wire....!".

[mindi]

Hey Smilieman, I was just checking up on your situation and I am really happy about the job opportunities and shifts coming your way. Things are looking up for you =)

 

Maybe a little insight (although I could be wrong in your wife's case):

 

I know myself, as a wife, I when I say I want more affection from my husband, I feel that I would like him to initiate it more. For me, I want him to take the time to hold and kiss me for no reason, to sit together with me with his arm around me while we watch a movie, to cuddle with me in bed and kiss me until we move on to sex, or not, whatever happens. The point is that I want him to come to me for these things, not wait for me. I have learned recently that I should also be initiating affection with him, which means expecting these things from him is wrong, but it could be how your wife is feeling in this case, so you should do it!

 

From what you are saying, she is closing herself off from you because maybe she feels hurt, especially if she is sleeping on one side of the bed away from you. It doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't want you to touch her, or initiate anything with her. It just means that she is giving up on expecting these things from you. I am not 100% sure about it, but that is how I feel whenever I have acted that way.

 

 

Anyway I hope this helps even a little bit.

[smilieman]

Hi Mindi

 

It certainly is nice to go back out to work, I must admit. I don't brood and worry as much as I do when I'm at home.

 

Thank you for your insights. I would love to cuddle her and I always used to be the one to make the moves. I don't know where she has got this from, but a while ago she told me that the only time I wanted a cuddle was when I wanted to have sex with her. Ok, this is how she felt, but it certainly was not the case. I've always cuddled her while watching tv, or in bed when going off to sleep. Yes, occasionally it may have led to something more than that, but most of the time it was just that, a cuddle.

 

I'm scared of pushing her further away though, or forcing myself on her too much (that came out wrong), in as much as sitting close to her after dinner and giving her a hug. I know that she wants this closeness deep down, but she just won't open up to it. She had her hair up yesterday morning, which drives me crazy. I love the back of her neck when it's exposed and usually kiss it. Yesterday I said "I love it when your hair's up, because I love kissing you neck. But I'm not allowed to, so I won't". Why did I say that instead of just kissing it? Because I'm worried what will happen if I do. Am I making it worse by not doing this stuff? No idea. It's a nasty position to be in not knowing what to do for the best. I suppose in hindsight though, that I should just carry on as if everything is fine, be confident with who I am and hope that the little things add up and help to break down the barriers.

 

The other thing is that when I have cuddled her, she comes up with statements like she has to move because "My neck hurts", or she's "uncomfortable". These to me are excuses to stop cuddling, as she'll then sit up and sever contact. Confusing.

 

Can't say more than that at the moment, as I'm on lunch break. Thank you for your support though, it's nice having a woman's view on things too.

 

~ S

[mindi]

I couldn't say how she will react, but I think you should have kissed her neck. You are still her husband, and although you need to be respectful and give her space, you should be able to show her affection which I think she sorely needs. If she thinks you are just looking for sex when you make these moves, then be sweet with her without making it sexual. Keep in mind my advice comes from my own experiences, I've only been married for two years, and my own marriage is a bit strained.1`

[smilieman]

I kissed her neck this morning. She had her hair up again. She gave a little giggle. I sat with her on the sofa last night and put my hand on her leg for a few minutes. She didn't react. She kept her distance in bed again last night. I think for a while, bed is going to be just a place to sleep, although we used to have a little cuddle before she started reading. Not now. And.....

 

I have noticed a difference in her over the past day. Her spirit is a bit lifted and she seems more relaxed. She got up this morning in a good mood. The thing I can't understand is that I agree that she needs some affection. If this is what she needs then why doesn't she allow it to happen? Why doesn't she approach me, just for a hug? Or, just react a little bit when I give her affection? Perhaps it'll take more time.

 

Still waiting for my book to arrive that Lester recommended. Called them this morning to check why it hasn't arrived. They didn't know. Apparently it was dispatched on 2nd and should've been here yesterday.

 

I suggested meeting for coffee tomorrow after my interview, a few days ago. She hasn't confirmed. What she has said is that she has arranged to go out of town tomorrow, to the dentist. Is this her way of making sure we couldn't meet up for lunch I wonder? Or am I reading into things again?

 

I'll just keep doing what I'm doing for a while. I'm being upbeat (ish). It's so hard to be that way when you feel worried and rubbish inside.

 

Thank you all,

~ S

 

PS. Lester, I haven't forgotten to reply to you!

[smilieman]

So, Smalley's book arrived this afternoon and I've started reading. Not sure whether or not I'm agreeing with all what is written at the moment.

 

So far, I've just finished chapter 3. I've read that it's about putting your wife first. Well, I've done this since day 1, before we even got together.

 

I never come home late without letting her know - I go shopping with her and help her pick outfits - I take her out, when I can afford to - I buy her flowers (which I have the money) and did 2 weeks ago - I buy her chocolates (I did again last week for getting accepted for associate at work) - I have always made her drinks and taken them up to her in bed - I make dinner - I clean the house - I do ALL of the DIY - I defrost her car each morning when it's icy (done this for years) - I used to massage her back (until she didn't want me to any longer) - I make her sandwiches for work - I tell her that I love her (even though this has helped to split us up - see Michelle Weiner-Davis' book "The Divorce Remedy") - I wrote her a letter telling her how I felt and we split up - I used to write her poems - I've always valued her and asked for her opinion - I've always been trustworthy and faithful - I do brag about her to others and tell them how proud I am of her (behind her back and while she is there) - I run her baths for her - I have comforted her when she was down and in pain with her illness for 7 years! - I try to make special time for us, but she doesn't seem to want that - I show her I need her and I tell her - She doesn't want to go on romantic outings at the moment and I do take the time to notice the things she has done for me - I do treat her as an intellectual and this is one of the things that admire in her and I have from Day 1 - I don't belittle her, or criticise her (although I have before - years ago) - we don't quarrel and I've always thanked her!!!!!

 

I could go on....!

 

So, what's gone wrong then? What an I missing? So far the information that I have read is the exact opposite of what I have previously read in the "Divorce Remedy". Maybe I haven't read far enough yet, or maybe this book isn't for relationships in crises? But Lester, you say it is?

 

I shall continue reading. I won't be able to do more of that until tomorrow after my interview. Perhaps my views will change! Hope so. But, I am learning stuff that I can do when she wants me to do all of those things again. Also, I think I'm having a bit of a hard time with the chasing and sucking up aspect of it. I know women like to be chased, but why am I being punished for being out of work, when it's none of my making and I'm doing *everything* that I can think of to get work? I feel bad enough as it is that I'm out of work and not bringing anything into the house, let alone having to worry that my wife may leave me a second time because of it. Meanwhile, I am spending all of my time job hunting, doing diy, cleaning and cooking.

 

And she feels under pressure? What the hell am I doing so very, very wrong? I know I'm far from perfect. May be I'm viewing it from the wrong angle here? I'm sure that I am, but at the moment it just doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps it might in a few days once I've had chance to finish the book.

 

~ S

[chillywilly]

I can relate to you in so many ways. You and I are built in much the same way. I am in an 11 year relationship with a woman incapable of real effection. I came to this site hopeing someone would tell me something majic. I believe now that there is no majic answer, just pain. The pain one feels when they love someone who is incapable of true love. I want her to love me, but I think now it will never happen. Five kids keeps her here, but me, not so much. IF YOU READ MY STORY YOU WILL SEE THAT YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT IS MY CRONIC DISEASE. tHESE TYPE OF WOMEN DON'T CARE WHY WE ARE NOT WHAT THEY MARRIED, JUST THAT WE ARE NOT. i KNOW i MUST FIND AQ WAY TO MOVE ON, BUT i DO NOT WANT TO. yOU CAN NOT MAKE A PERSON SOMETHING THEY ARE NOT. I feel your pain brother, but unfortunately we are destine to be alone.

[Lester]

Each marriage is unique. You take everything in, apply it and see what happens. At the end of the day you can only do what you can do and your marriage may still fail. I only offer what worked for me. There are no guarantees.

 

I mentioned early on the two books that were critical to my marriage save. Your failing marriage did not seem to have the very common elements of emotional/physical cheating so I only concentrated on your self improvement. This is what Smalley is all about.

 

On the hand Dobson is about understanding human sexuality. If your wife is having an emotional or physical affair Dobson will help you to understand it and possibly change the outcome. Even though your wife seems to still be accountable she may still be conversing with another man/other.

 

None of the above and you were compatible? It may be yellow page time… attorney.

 

PS, Maybe chillywilly is right. Maybe you have been asking the wrong questions. Do you want to be married to women? If my wife was only all about money I would hate her guts. (We had hard money times but she never blinked an eye with that... I just treated her like garbage.)

[Lester]

I know it's hard and confusing. It took me six months to accept this advice from a close friend who knows me. Only after I had nothing to lose did I began to think why not try Smalley's advice. I came home one night and gave the women who hates my guts a loving kiss as looked in to her eyes. I smiled asked how her day was, (she was on her heels), and walked out of the room.

 

Smilie, I can't tell you the power... She looked at me like I had a horn growing out of my head!

 

It was never about her... (in my case)

 

PS,

Beware of secular books found in the big box stores. These authors cannot hurt and must please everybody. This is not real life... which in turn makes most of what they suggest useless.

What's their number one suggestion? Work on it together... You're kidding right? This stupid advice might work if the bond wasn't broken.

 

You can only change yourself. Trying to change others will drive them out of your life.

Women love and respect strong loving men and husbands. Confidence!

Scumbags, (men who steal wives), know this and simply put up a "store front" that makes them look like a strong, loving, understanding men. Women fall for these liars by the millions each year and in the process destroy their honor. (Then, after they think "what did I do?", they want you back!)

You can do the same thing! But the best part is you are a good man. Something a scumbag can never be.

 

Your job is make her think now about what she is losing.

[smilieman]

IF YOU READ MY STORY YOU WILL SEE THAT YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT IS MY CRONIC DISEASE. tHESE TYPE OF WOMEN DON'T CARE WHY WE ARE NOT WHAT THEY MARRIED, JUST THAT WE ARE NOT. i KNOW i MUST FIND AQ WAY TO MOVE ON, BUT i DO NOT WANT TO. yOU CAN NOT MAKE A PERSON SOMETHING THEY ARE NOT. I feel your pain brother, but unfortunately we are destine to be alone.

 

Yes, unemployment and illness I agree, can and from my experience will, put excessive pressure on a relationship. It certainly crept up on me. The hard part that I cannot genuinely understand for me, is how I stood by and supported my wife (prior to being married) in her illness for 7 years. She needed me. She needed my strength to push through. Her family was not interested. Her parents didn't visit, neither did her sister who she was supposed to be close to, until such time as I had a right go at them. Then they visited twice in 5 months! I supported her, alone, for 7 years. Picking her up (literally) when she couldn't walk with her pain. Loving and caring for her, going to work all day and coming home at night and working some more. cooking, cleaning and taking time to speak with her. She was at home for about 3 months and bored stiff. THEN, a few years later it was my go. Having been sacked from my job, out of work for a few months, then a short-term contract, then out of work again and finally losing another full-time job, I plunged into a deep depression induced by the tablets that my original doctor had put me on years before, to help me cope with the stress of work and my wife being ill. For an entire year, I was like a zombie also. It was as much as I could do to get off the sofa to make a cup of tea. Some days were better and I would vacuum or mow the lawn, but most of the time I felt awful.

 

This is when I needed my wife. Like when she needed me. Wouldn't she understand how it felt to be at home alone all day? I told her that I didn't want to work for a while. My confidence was shot to pieces being badly treated by 2 employers. My brain wanted to do stuff, but my body wouldn't let it. I knew I didn't feel right. After numerous attempts, I finally found a new doctor and came off the tablets. I felt like a new person - seriously. But the damage had been done. My wife told me that she didn't feel the same way about me anymore and wanted to split. This is how this all started.

 

My question is, why didn't I say and do the same thing after 7 years of supporting her? Just one small year of her supporting me and she wants out? I have never and will never, understand that concept.

 

Shortly after we got back together (literally within 2 weeks), she became a little ill again. The pain in her knees had come back and she couldn't walk. We spent an entire day in Accident and Emergency, waiting for her to be tended to and again, I was there to hold her hand as a massive needle was shoved into her knee to drain the fluid. I was there the next day when she had to return to be checked by a specialist ad I was there when she had to get crutches and learn to walk with them. I was there at home to run around after her and I didn't question it once, not once. Where were her family? Where were her friends?

 

Now, she wants to be with her friends and not me. Is this understandable? Not to me.

 

When the chips are down, each and every time, and she needs me to be there, whether I'm asked or not, I am there. 100% of the time. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to matter and it certainly doesn't seem to work the other way around. In her mind she says that she supports me, but the facts say different. If that was the case, then why would she tell me she wanted to split when I needed support. Why today, after my interview, has she not rang to see how I got on?

 

I have certainly noticed that she is different towards me when I am working, to when I am not. Then, I am different also. I feel better about myself when I'm at work, and down on myself when I'm not. I can understand the fact that she would be sensitive to this and react differently.

 

But, I have to believe that everybody is capable of being loved and loving another. Looking at my wife's family, who are uncaring and her parents have never lived together (or in the same town), since she was born, coupled with the fact that when she was ill they couldn't give a hoot about her, wouldn't this go some way to explaining why she has problems with affection and communication? Her only observation and experience of marriage is a seperated family and her older sister getting a divorce after 2 years. Now, isn't it interesting also, that my father used to beat my mother up and me. My mother used to beat me up also and psychologically abuse me. My sister got pregnant at an early age and got married and a few years later got divorced. Notice the pattern?

 

I stopped this and I vowed never to be like my parents. But how can you show love to somebody, if you have never learned how to? This is the issue. She has never learned to love and neither have I. When we first got together and because of her illness, we did love each other. We learned how it went and we done it. But me being out of work has made her forget how to love me and as a result I'm scared to show her that I love her. Why? Because when I did that, she questionned whether she felt the same way and thought that she didn't. I put into practice that I had learned at link removed and it brought us back together. It's not updated very frequently these days, but I read this in its entirety. Perhaps I should again.

 

With the love that I have for my wife, I never give up hope. It was hope that got us together in the beginning. It was hope that got us through the tough times and I'm certain that it's hope and hard work that's going to get us through this one too. I have to believe that she loves me at some level and that she is going through a tough time herself. I have to believe that, I have to. It's the only thing that makes sense. She's a strong woman, but I really don't think that she was strong enough to cope when I was ill and needed her support. She was under too much pressure and closed off. She blames me for being out of work, for not going back out to work (even though I was ill) and for not being able to get work in this climate and location. She does very little to help me find work and doesn't even ask how I'm doing finding work. I feel alone in this, which I shouldn't do in a marriage. It's hard enough being out of work, not bringing money in the house and having to rely on my wife to do that, let alone look for work and have the added pressure of trying to save my marriage at the same time.

 

Hang in there pal. Ask yourself what you really want. I did and I'm working toward it. If it doesn't work out, then I can do no more. If she leaves again, that will be that. She would have shown that she doesn't love me and so we will go our separate ways. If she admits to having an affair, I will end it myself. I will also do that if she messes me about like last time. I will have to. Until that time, I remain hopeful that we will be able to work through things.

 

The sad thing is, that this forumla seems to be true:

Work + Money = I love you

No Work + No Money = I'm not sure I love you anymore

[smilieman]

Each marriage is unique....

 

None of the above and you were compatible? It may be yellow page time… attorney.

 

PS, Maybe chillywilly is right. Maybe you have been asking the wrong questions. Do you want to be married to women? If my wife was only all about money I would hate her guts. (We had hard money times but she never blinked an eye with that... I just treated her like garbage.)

 

Yes it is. I agree. The reason that they are unique is because we are all unique and no two people with act the exact same way towards each other - unless they are conditioned to do so, and then there will still be idiosyncrasies.

 

Believe me, I have asked this question. Do I want to be with her? Yes I do. Why? Because I love her. I have watched her grow in our relationship and flourish, proudly with my support. We have worked through some challenging times and come through the other side.

 

Now, my wife has never been all about money. But now, it seems that way. She spent our savings on clothes when we split up and left me with nothing. I could never hate her. What I believe is that she is having a challenging time and blames me for it. For that entire year she was holding down a fulltime job, bring the money in, doing the housework and cooking and trying to keep me up-beat, dealing with the creditors and trying to keep a roof over our heads. I pulled myself out of it and a week later she left me. I have to believe (saying that again, but I do), that she has or is, going through some kind of crises herself. She has exhibited the exact behaviour of "Walk-Away Wife Syndrome", to the letter. I have acted accordingly and the results have been what was documented. What Ihave learned is that this syndrome is the female equivalent of the male "Mid-life Crisis". Apparently it could take months, or years to get through, or the relationship could die. If this is the case, then my actions of losing my job (even though it wasn't my decision), has played a very large part in this.

 

One thing that I am proud of, is that I have not treated my wife like garbage. It more like the other way around. Now, I am not faultless, of course I'm not and I did have anger issues a few times over the years. On some regular occasions I used to shout at my wife, horribly (we weren't married then) and I remember throwing things around in the garden shed in temper. After I done this a few times, I saw how it affect her and so I stopped it. That was enough for me. That was over 3 years ago though, but from Smalley's book that I'm reading it could have effect now. Am I right? Interestingly, she brought this up when we got back together, saying it reminded her of how her Dad used to treat her mother. I apologised and told her it wouldn't ever happen again and reminded her that it hasn't happened for over 3 years, as I realised how it affected her and I didn't want to be like that anyway.

 

The other thing that I done when I was out of work was.......nothing. Literally. I couldn't, physically. I beat myself up for this. So, we got married and one year later divorce is on the cards. Because I was ill? Because I was on medication? Because I was out of work? I think so. She has seen me at my lowest in my life and decided that I'm not the person she met. This is why I understand about building myself up. Without money and totally no support from my wife, this is a hard thing to do, but I'm trying as hard as I can and everybody here is helping me along the way...

 

To that I say, Thank you.

 

~S

[smilieman]

You can only change yourself. Trying to change others will drive them out of your life.

Women love and respect strong loving men and husbands. Confidence!

Scumbags, (men who steal wives), know this and simply put up a "store front" that makes them look like a strong, loving, understanding men. Women fall for these liars by the millions each year and in the process destroy their honor. (Then, after they think "what did I do?", they want you back!)

You can do the same thing! But the best part is you are a good man. Something a scumbag can never be.

 

Your job is make her think now about what she is losing.

 

I think that a lot of people need to realise this. But I have a question. Why then, do women try changing their husbands? Surely if they aren't manipulators (like they tend to be as I've heard them nattering to each other in the past) and they accept the fact that they can only change themselves, then why do they not change themselves and try to change us? They punish us and try to make us feel guilty by distancing themselves from us and not communicating properly. It always seems to be a guessing game and yes, it IS a game. But why?

 

If a woman wants love, why does she push it away? If she wants attention, why does she push it away? If she wants to feel special, why does she not let herself be seen as special and if she wants affection, why does she shun our advances - even when they are clearly not sexual in nature? Furthermore, why do women get attracted to these "scumbags" you mention. We have all seen it.

 

I like to think I am a good man, just been dealt a bad hand at the moment. My love for my wife has never faulted and I cannot relate to anything in Smalley's book yet. I have just read chapter 5 and theres is a list of 100 ways that I could have offended my wife. I can only identify around 3 that would have had a bearing (the shouting thing), years ago. It more like I am reading a book about her. For instance:

 

5 - "Closing her out by not talking or listening" - She does this

7 - "Not scheduling special time to be with her" - She doesn't want this, I keep trying

8 & 9 - Not being open to talk about things we don't undertand - She doesn't

29 - Breaking Promises without any explaination" - She has done this when we split up.

31 - Holding resentment about something she did and tried to make right" - she is doing this.

38 - "Being unaware of her needs" - She not aware of mine.

39 - "Being ungrateful" - A thank you would have been nice for getting her car fixed or doing the diy

45 - "Not telling her you love her" - She never tells me. Always takes the easy option of "I love you too"

47 - "Not giving daily encouragement" - She doesn't

55 - "Failure to express honetly what you think her innermost feelings are" - she doesn't seem to care

59 - "Not inviting her out on romantic dates" - I try, but she refuses to go

70 - "Being unwilling to admit you are wrong" - I do, she doesn't

74 - "Not planning for the future, making her insecure" - she never has wanted to plan for the future. I've tried so many times, even just after we got married - on our honeymoon. She doesn't "know how" to

86 - "Not telling her how importnat she is to you" - I do, she doesn't

 

I could go on. But she spends money and today she hasn't even called to see how my interview went. She's staying late after work today for drinks in the pub (just got a text).

 

She just shows a lack of interest and quite frankly, today, I feel like doing the same...... My interview was good, but the technical test didn't go so well. Again, she's not interested in my feelings about it, so doesn't ask and ignores the fact. This is the same thing that she done when I got declined for another position. Just ignored it and ignored the effect it had on me. This is why I feel so alone in this.

 

Seriously, what have I done so bad that has made her not love me any more, apart from being ill and unemployed for a while. This is the most challenging time of my life, made more challenging by this issue with my wife and my marriage. The common denominator as I see it, is me being out of work. Period.

 

Sorry, I'm ranting.....

 

~ S