danzeryan1 Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years, lived with him and just a couple of weeks ago we had a major argument, we basically called it a day and i decided to take time off work because i was that upset. I kept this from him because that night i was so upset i kept saying to him " i cant go into work" and he said if i didn't go into work that we were categorically over! The next morning after sleeping in separate beds we made up and he said we will talk later but it was too late as i phoned in sick during the night but i pretended to him i was going into work. My sister phoned me and we planned to go into London for the day which was a massive mistake! We lost track of time and Hugh phoned me and figured it out that i didn't go into work so he told me not to return and go to my sisters as he wanted the day to himself. I was pretty angry at this command as it was my flat too but i went to my sisters. I returned on the Saturday night after he also demanded that i not come back till after 8pm! He had some drink in him but i wanted to talk, he kept saying " in the morning" that he was not in the right frame of mind to have a serious conversation but i gave him the whole day and now i wanted to talk but he was just getting angrier and more impatient. Out of sheer frustration i jumped off my seat and gave him a slap and instantly he punched me in the face, i was completely shocked and uncontrollably crying and i shouted at him again and he pushed me on the ground. I ran into the spare room and just kept crying and came out after a time and tried to talk to him and told him to say sorry which he did and then he just kept putting off talking to me and then because i wouldn't give up he started calling me every name under the sun which deeply hurt me. I went to bed and just got into a panic that i rang my friend and she told me to get down to her but i couldn't move then i phoned my sister and told her. Her and her husband drove 3 hours to get me even through i begged them not to get me, they phoned the police and i begged them not to. All this time he was unaware. i Came out and told him and he didn't seem phased that my brother in law phoned the police on him. I told him i was going to my sisters for a few days but when i got to hers, i decided to basically let my brother in law do all my decisions for me so basically i quit my job, and decided to leave the UK which i lived for 5 years to go back to Ireland. My brother in law refused to let me tell Hugh and cut all contact with him, my bro in law even drove to the flat to collect all my things without Hugh knowing. When Hugh found out he was absolutely devastated that i would leave without saying good bye. He sent me emails saying he loves me and that what he did was awful and that he vowed when he was young that he would not turn out like his dad and never lay a hand on a woman. He said he wants me back and that i am the one for him. Basically ive been miserable ever since i've moved home, my life has been torn apart, a life that i had in the UK. Now i feel ive lost my job, flat, my boyfriend and my independence as i am living with my folks and struggling to look for jobs here. I really want to go back and be with him. For both of us this has been a rude awakening. I need advice badly i am severely depressed, I really do love him and he loves me we have been talking on the phone every night and its been nice, he told me that i need to give Ireland a chance and see what i really want and if i really love him as much as he does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 No --- he is not. And, in fact, he is telling you to stay in Ireland.....so, let it go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Love is not trying to control when one's partner goes into work or not. Love is not slapping one's partner in the face because one is upset. Love is not punching one's partner in the face because one was slapped. There's a lot going on here, but none of it involves love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Furbys Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 You got him to apologise to you for punching you, but did you apologise for slapping him? You hit him too which is awful and you should also apologise. A man should never hit a woman and a woman should never hit a man. You both need time to yourselves, quite some time because there has been violence. It is possible for relationships which have had violence to survive but it is quite rare. You would both need to go to relationship counselling and both of you go to some anger management classes. If you don't do this then there is no point being in the relationship. Personally for me, if there was any ounce of violence that would be the end because that boundary has been broken and it can be hard to trust the other person, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CookieMonster8 Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Love doesn't HURT. He crossed the line. You deserve so much better than that. A man should never put his hands on you and his actions are completely unforgivable. One day you will see this more clearly. Don't go back to him. I'm sorry you are going through this. Wishing you the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Awoken Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 There are a lot of issues you BOTH need to sort out here. There is obviously anger and frustration in this relationship. He has identified his negative patterns which come from his father, which is actually a positve start and something he needs to take responsibility for and hopefully he is going to try an fix these issues. You too need to look at the negative behaviours you have brought into this relationship. You maybe able to identify them? Your time back home with your family should be spent on getting yourself mentally and physically healthy. If you are able to do this then you will be able to make more positive decisions. Right now your mind is filled with emotions which are clouding your decisions. NC is a great option for you right now. If you keep on having conversations with him YOU will never be able to repair YOU. If you want any hope of getting back together NC is the best idea. Good luck my friend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I hope you recognize that a slap is also an assault, and it certainly is very unwise to slap a drunken man who is telling you to leave him alone. This isn't a TV soap opera about the 19th century where 'ladies' get to slap 'gentlemen' when they're annoyed or offended. In fact, both of you could have been booked and arrested for what happened that night. It also sounds like there are multiple issues here. Why did you lie to him about where you were going when you went to London? A good relationship should involve openness and honesty so he had a right to be very annoyed with you about that. Something is wrong if you are lying to each other for any reason. And you can't hunt a man down like a dog and force him to talk to you just because you're upset... you're both behaving really badly here and i think you need to think about whether the two of you are good for each other or bad for each other, or perhaps need some time alone to work thru your own issues that are leading to these kinds of emotional confrontations. You also need to take responsibility for your own life and decisions rather than letting your BF or brother-in-law or whomever tell you what to do... I'm not sure how old you are, but perhaps if you are young you need some time alone as a single girl to learn how to be on your own rather than dependent on BF or others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danzeryan1 Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 Well to point out i always say sorry for my behaviors when we get into arguments and that night i did say sorry for slapping him. I was just so angry and frustrated because i gave him his wish to be alone for the whole day and i really thought once i got back we would then talk but he decided to have a few drinks and not want to talk. What got to me was i gave him the whole day like he asked so he could have "Hugh" time and whilst he was doing that i was constantly thinking about us and was very eager to talk it out and have a clear head. The sheer frustration of not getting the conversation like he said was what drove me to slap him and i really am ashamed and sorry i did that to him. When i think back now i wish, i so wish i just went to bed because none of this would have happened and i wouldn't be in this situation now, he wouldn't be trying to move out of our flat and finding his own and he hasn't been home to New Zealand since he first arrived in the UK two years ago and now i feel i have spoilt this for him because of all this happening. Well i've decided to go back to UK purely because there is absolutely no jobs over here, i am going to move to where my friends are and try and look for a Nurse job in the hospital where my friends work. I am not going to go straight back to him but i do want to see him because i just love him too much to never see him again, he wants me back but only on my terms. I hope this is the right thing to do, i feel its right. Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CookieMonster8 Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I hope this is the right thing to do, i feel its right. Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?? It feels right to go back to someone who punched you? I don't think a second chance should even be considered in a relationship with physical abuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danzeryan1 Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 Well basically i am going to get some counselling and it starts tomorrow. A few days ago i have been feeling really low and now that my sister has turned her back on me because i added him on facebook and tagged him in a photo of us together, she obviously got angry and phoned me up and told me she never wants to speak to me or see me again. From that day on i have been feeling very very low. My mother got so sick of it she asked me what is wrong with me and then i just broke down and told her everything. The reason i am getting counselling is because i have been having silly thoughts of killing myself, i hate myself that much and feel like i am a failure at everything in my life at the moment. I hope it will help me.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yeawutever Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Why are more men nowadays punching us like we were men and don't even care if they hurt us badly or even laugh and think it was deserved? A slap isn't the same as a full punch. If a guy wants to be all dirty then he could have just slap instead of going full Mike Tyson on us..... unless he's was in danger or something. I'm sure the slap didn't hurt the OP's bf and if that's the case, then that's a bastard looking for an excuse to abuse the OP. The fact that he's all impact and still had the nerve to go punch her like a man when she didn't even hit him like a man (not that it's even an excuse, that's not what a real man does anyways) it's irritating. OP get away from him. He's just looking for an excuse to put his hands on you. Is not like a slap is gonna do damage but a punch from a man can break our face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CookieMonster8 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Well basically i am going to get some counselling and it starts tomorrow. A few days ago i have been feeling really low and now that my sister has turned her back on me because i added him on facebook and tagged him in a photo of us together, she obviously got angry and phoned me up and told me she never wants to speak to me or see me again. From that day on i have been feeling very very low. My mother got so sick of it she asked me what is wrong with me and then i just broke down and told her everything. The reason i am getting counselling is because i have been having silly thoughts of killing myself, i hate myself that much and feel like i am a failure at everything in my life at the moment. I hope it will help me.... Therapy is super helpful and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm proud of you for taking that initiative and setting up an appointment. It takes a lot of courage. I highly suggest you see someone to help you work through whatever you have going on in your head. I've been through a somewhat similar situation and the same thing happened with my mom and my sister. My family is everything to me so that was very hard on me. Take it one day at a time & do not be too hard on yourself. As they say "This too shall pass." This experience will only make you stronger. You are never alone. This will get better. Please have faith in that. Good luck to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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