Boyfriend. Rehab. Anger.

[Tali]

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. We're in a long distance relationship, but that's never been much of an obstacle for us. We're deeply in love, and the distance between us has never gotten in the way of that.

 

My boyfriend recently admitted himself into rehab for alcoholism. When he called and told me he had become an alcoholic, I was surprised. I knew that he drank regularly, but it was rather rare for me to hear him drunk. Also, he's quite mellow and laidback when intoxicated, so I never realized his drinking had become a problem. However, he admitted to me that he had developed a dependency for booze and that he was unsatisfied with the way he was currently living. I was actually very proud of him for facing his problems and seeking help. I let him know that I supported him entirely.

 

But as time has gone on, I've found myself feeling angry and even somewhat resentful of my boyfriend.

I've had life knock me down a few times. Some days, it takes every ounce of courage I have just to make it through the day. My boyfriend is one of the only people that makes my life feel worth the living. He keeps my spirits high and helps me feel sane.

 

I'm angry at him for letting his drinking get to this point. Without him, I virtually have no support system. He's left me to deal with all of my problems on my own.

Having such little contact with him for so long has really broken me down. My hair is falling out, I can't sleep. I feel entirely alone in the world. All because he wouldn't control his drinking. I feel like all of this could have been avoided if he had just stayed responsible.

 

He'll be checking out of rehab in a week, which of course, I'm very grateful for. But I'm worried that these feelings of anger towards him will linger.

I've kept my thoughts about this bottled up for so long that I just don't know what to do with them.

I don't really feel like I can talk to him about this...he's very sensitive, and I can't imagine a how conversation about my bitterness towards him would turn out positive. Plus, I want to remain as supportive as possible, and I don't want to stress him out in the early stages of his recovery.

 

So...advice? Any would be appreciated...I'm really at a loss.

Thanks.

[RedDress]

So... I have a lot to say... but none of it is really good...

 

You're right in that I don't think you should talk to your bf about this. Your post comes accross as very selfish. I know that it sounds very romantic to say "I can't live without my boyfriend" - but that is extremely unhealthy, co-dependent and puts an extraordinary amount of pressure on another person. If you, as a partner, are all weak and crumbly... how are you a good partner? When you are down, don't you want your partner to be strong and supportive? He is going through a crisis for which he needs serious help. It's now your turn to be strong - and in order to be strong, you have to be self-sufficient.

 

If you are affected in this way, you have your own host of problems that you should seek help for.

[lavenderdove]

OK, what you are saying is that you are angry that his need to take care of himself and his own personal problems is interfering with him taking care of you and your personal problems. In essence, he's been a 'bad daddy' not caretaking you.

 

But the point is he shouldn't have to be your 'daddy' and take care of your emotional issues, because as an adult, you are responsible for dealing with your own problems and shouldering most of the burden of living an adult life. He's just not your Daddy because you're not a baby and shouldn't expect to cry on his lap everyday or to be your miracle worker to dry your tears. As an adult, you should be working on SOLVING whatever problems are making you feel so bad rather than just using your BF as a shoulder to cry on and a lightning rod for your stress.

 

If you can't do that without throwing yourself upon him and doubling his load, then it is time for you to get some counseling and professional help yourself. You are way too dependent on him acting like your shrink rather than your BF. A therapist can help you learn coping skills on your own, and also help you resolve whatever problems or issues are making you feel so bad every day.

 

There is nothing in life that says you are entitled to a support system and someone who will listen to you ad infinitum as you complain about your problems rather than solve them. So you need to work on adjusting that mindset to not throw yourself on your BF and cling to him like he's a life raft. That is too much of a burden, especially for a newly sober alcoholic who is struggling to learn his own methods for stress control that don't involve drinking.

 

So do both yourself and him a favor and contact a therapist to start working on your own life. If you can't afford one, there are social services that can find a low cost or no cost therapist for you to take advantage of.

[DN]

I think you are being very selfish.

[Tali]

I would like to make it clear that I wasn't angry at my boyfriend for seeking help. In fact, I'm very happy that he's bettering himself. What bothered me was the fact that he was abusing alcohol in the first place, and what has happened as a result of that.

 

Also, I do not use my boyfriend as a "shoulder to cry on" as I do not cry to him or bombard him or anyone else with my problems. I have always kept such things to myself. (Which is why I’m here, as I find the anonymity quite comforting.)

He's a very calming presence for me, and I simply miss that.

 

However.

I do see the selfishness of my ways. I was thinking more of myself and my problems rather than my boyfriend's, and that shames me. I love the guy, and I honestly want to be strong for him.

I don't feel angry with him anymore, and I realize now that my irritation was foolish and misplaced.

 

Thanks to those of you who actually took the time to give some worthwhile advice.

This has been a much needed wakeup call.

[DN]

In fact, I'm very happy that he's bettering himself. What bothered me was the fact that he was abusing alcohol in the first place, and what has happened as a result of that.

But you are angry, it seems, not because of the adverse effects that his alcoholism has had on his well-being but the effects it has had on yours. That is why I said you were being selfish.

 

It might serve you to research a little more into the causes and effects of alcoholism before you judge him. Most experts these days consider it to be a disease and one that is very easy for some people with certain physical and psychological predispositions to fall into. Few, if any, people choose to be alcoholics any more than people choose to fall prey to any other disease. There is, of course, an element of choice involved but it is easier to judge than it is to deal with.

 

What you say here:

Also, I do not use my boyfriend as a "shoulder to cry on" as I do not cry to him or bombard him or anyone else with my problems. I have always kept such things to myself. (Which is why I’m here, as I find the anonymity quite comforting.)

seems contradictory to what you say here:

I've had life knock me down a few times. Some days, it takes every ounce of courage I have just to make it through the day. My boyfriend is one of the only people that makes my life feel worth the living. He keeps my spirits high and helps me feel sane.... Without him, I virtually have no support system. He's left me to deal with all of my problems on my own.

 

It is good that you are reviewing the situation in a different light and I do urge you to do some more research into alcoholism and to seek professional help for your own issues. The fact your hair is falling out is indicative of needing that help.

[Tali]

But you are angry, it seems, not because of the adverse effects that his alcoholism has had on his well-being but the effects it has had on yours. That is why I said you were being selfish.

 

Yes, that is why I was angry. I believe I've already established that I've seen the error of my selfish way of thinking.

And of course I wouldn't have any feelings of anger concerning the state of his well-being. In that respect, I only felt concern.

 

What you say here:

seems contradictory to what you say here

 

I see you left out this part of my quote

"He's a very calming presence for me, and I simply miss that."[/b]

Does it seem so contradicting now?

 

As I said, I do not cry to him or flood him with my dilemmas. His company puts me at ease and that's why I've had such a difficult time without him.

 

But thanks for your advice and input, nonetheless.

I will be doing some research into alcoholism.

[DN]

I also think you should get some help for your issues. There are many reasons other than rehab why he may not be able to be there to give you the support you need. It is good that his presence helps you but that is a band-aid solution rather than a cure for the underlying problem.

[Capricorn3]

My boyfriend recently admitted himself into rehab for alcoholism.

 

I'm angry at him for letting his drinking get to this point. Without him, I virtually have no support system. He's left me to deal with all of my problems on my own.

Having such little contact with him for so long has really broken me down. My hair is falling out, I can't sleep. I feel entirely alone in the world. All because he wouldn't control his drinking. I feel like all of this could have been avoided if he had just stayed responsible.

 

So...advice?.

I agree with those who say you are being very selfish. He finally realised he has a major problem and then was man enough to seek help and get himself sorted out. I think it would be VERY unwise to unload on him when he is undergoing treatment/counselling. What he needs right now is no-one else unloading their problems and anger onto him and full focus on getting himself sorted out.

 

The best advice I can give would be why not take his example? Seek help for your own issues? (Clearly hair falling out due to someone not being around to support you, is not normal). I think you would benefit from some counselling.

[sunnyhappydays]

When someone says, X is a calming presence, it implies something small. But you say your hair is falling out and you can't sleep? That's not calming that's sedation. You sound terribly co dependent and not emotionally well.