ex bf of 4 years has a new gf after a month apart...shuld i give up?!? plz help

[kyoko07]

My ex and I were each others first. We were on and off for 4 years. He was the one who broke things off when things got tough only to come back when he realized he did want to be with me. This last breakup however he said he didn't want to be with me anymore because I was too depressed and was too negative.

 

He had a point though because the last few months were really rough on me. I was miserable with my job and I was unsure where my life was headed. Not to mention i had family problems as well. Pretty much he broke up with me on the day i got fired...

 

Funny thing though..prior to this he still wanted me to be with him wherever he went, wen i was sad he wuld buy me cakes and gifts to cheer me up. He did his best to help me and i did thank him for that. But then i wuld revert to being sad again.

 

We were one of those couples our frends were saying wuld end up getting married and it hurts now that we're broken up. Another major issue was, whenever he tried to help me i kinda lashed out at him. Saying things like "you dont kno what im feeling because youve never experienced this pain" or "ur words arent helping me atm".

 

Its true though that he has life easy. Hes never been depressed or had anything bad happen to him. And im not the only one who thinks this all our friends do as well. So it kinda irritates me that he gets everything without trying and fails to understand pain.

 

He has a new gf atm. Found out he was courting her 2 weeks after we broke up. It hurts me so much bcuz in the meantime i was working on improving myself for the better. it was working until i found out. He seems so happy without me and im not sure whether i shuld have hope anymore or not... last time i saw him he said he still cared about me but from that point on NC at all whatsoever.

 

I think the though to of me isnt even scratching the surface of his thinking space anymore since he seems so happy. All hs fb posts seems so cheery and happy i dunno wot to do...

[kyoko07]

Another thing is i asked him was he happy with me and he said he was. Jst that lately he doesnt kno how he feels anymore and thats why he broke up with me. Also this new girl they have been frends for a long time. Shes really adorable too. i kno im such a bad person for saying this but i dont want them to last. i mean...i hung out with this girl, invited her to my ex's surprise 21st bday and we even laughed 2gthr. i feel so betratyed but i dont see how they can break up when shes the complete opposite of me...

[kyoko07]

He also told my frend that he thought alot b4 making the decision to get a new gf but that hes moved on already. Im holding on the the illusion that hes burying his feelings and is lying to himself. After the break up he did ask me out and we did still talk. my frend said wen they were out he kept talking about me. he eve drunk called me once to ask if i was ok. So this is why im so confused...from all this...to completely feeling nothing for me...

[Ms Darcy]

Another major issue was, whenever he tried to help me i kinda lashed out at him. Saying things like "you dont kno what im feeling because youve never experienced this pain" or "ur words arent helping me atm".

 

Its true though that he has life easy. Hes never been depressed or had anything bad happen to him. And im not the only one who thinks this all our friends do as well. So it kinda irritates me that he gets everything without trying and fails to understand pain.

 

It doesn't look good.

 

You lashed out at him when he tried to support you. You were mean and depressed and negative. And your relationship was on and off.

 

I don't think you two were compatible and that's why it was never really able to stick. Instead of being with someone who you don't feel can understand your depression, why not get to the point where you are emotionally healthy enough to appreciate a happy and supportive person.

 

After awhile, if you are happy it can bring you down to be with someone who isn't. He can be your friend, but he wouldn't want to be your boyfriend. That's a status for someone more like him.

 

It's not a coincidence he's with the girl he is with.

 

I would suggest that you do your best to move on.

[kyoko07]

Im changing now though. Like im more social, being more positive and trying new things in life as well. Every1 has been telling me theyr seeing the change. I guess what i really want to kno is is he serious about this new girl or not? Cuz he moved on so fast and we did have alot of good times 2gthr.

 

The thing with his is i told him MANY times that wenever i did sumthing to upset him, or if i did sumthing wrong, he had to tell me. But he never did! Its not fair to expect sum1 to change and realize their faults wen the other person doesnt tell them about it.

[Awoken]

Before you can move anywhere you have to look back at your relationship. Which it looks like you have already. Keep on identifying things you did wrong during youre relationship. Once you have done this you will realise what you need to fix. Fixing these issues will help you START to heal. This is what I'm doing right now. Still lots of pain and hurtful feelings in my head but this seems to be the right way to get your head healthy Painful situtation make sure you reach out for help from your friends and family.

[kyoko07]

i have been thinking about wot i did wrong everydya for the past 2 months. Reading relationship books and forums to find sum shred of hope. ive been changing for the better, smiling more, being more positive, exercising, etc etc but it all come to a screeching halt wen i found out he found sum1 ALREADY!!

 

He had a habit of running away from the problems in our relationship thats why he kept breaking up with me. Im thinking thats wot hes doing now. I mean to move on that fast after being with sum1 for so long...is he rebounding? lying to himself?

 

Does any1 happen to have any reconciliation success stories that is similiar to my situation?

[Ms Darcy]

Im changing now though. Like im more social, being more positive and trying new things in life as well. Every1 has been telling me theyr seeing the change. I guess what i really want to kno is is he serious about this new girl or not? Cuz he moved on so fast and we did have alot of good times 2gthr.

 

The thing with his is i told him MANY times that wenever i did sumthing to upset him, or if i did sumthing wrong, he had to tell me. But he never did! Its not fair to expect sum1 to change and realize their faults wen the other person doesnt tell them about it.

 

It's not his job to manage you. I think if you point out something once and it keeps happening you either decide you can live with it or not.

 

Who knows if he is serious with the girl or not? But he seems serious about not being with you and that's what you need to focus on.

[Ms Darcy]

Does any1 happen to have any reconciliation success stories that is similiar to my situation?

 

What people learn on this board very quickly is that "getting back together" is really about two people wanting to reconcile. Most of the folks here are desperate dumpees hoping to change their ex's mind. I would advise you to surf the board and just read. You'll learn a lot.

[kyoko07]

Like i said he was my first partner so i was very inexperienced and have alot to learn. Yea i realized it wasnt his reponsibility to manage me AFTER the last breakup... sumtimes it takes a lot of hurt and pain for the message to sink in. I read alot of relationship books and i kno how i shuld behave, what to do and what not to do now. That isnt to say i kno everything about relationships jst have an idea of how to make a relationship succeed without it blowing up.

 

We loved each other alot and alot of people said it was one of those rare loves, which made me very happy tbh. i jst get the feeling...that instead of growing and taking responsiblity for whats happened (i think both parties contribute to a breakup not jst one) hes jst running away like he always does, hiding behind his happy facade and telling every1 hes movd on.

 

Guess im jst hoping he realizes he cant bury his feelings and stop running away...

[Ms Darcy]

There were obviously a lot of problems in the relationship ... it doesn't matter if love is there when compatibiliy isn't.

[kyoko07]

Strange to say but other than the lashing out problem and me being depressed over the job i had, everything else was going good. I mean he said it himself he was pretty happy with me and always wanted to around him cuz he really liked my company.

 

Ive read alot of issues in this forum and i can honestly say that other ppl have broken up over worse and gotten back 2gthr over it.

 

I guess im jst looking for hope that him and i can still be 2gthr. Cuz everywhere i go thers always negative stuff like "its over forget it" and "move on".

[Ms Darcy]

This forum is most helpful when both parties are interested in reconciliation.

 

I don't know what to tell you if he's not other than you are hurting yourself trying to work the relationship out in your head.

 

I think moving on from someone who leaves you is a positive thing. It means acceptance and healing.

[DN]

Guess im jst hoping he realizes he cant bury his feelings and stop running away...

I don't think it is wise to assume he is doing that.

[kyoko07]

I am trying to move on though. Finding new hobbies getting a new job, catching up with frends and not sitting around solely waiting for him. Its jst i find it hard how sum1 who has been in a relationship for 4 years can jst forget and move on like nothing happened at all. =/

 

Hes a very confusing guy ill tell u that much doesnt let out much abt his emotions and his problems. Im just wondering if hes comparing me to the new girl and if he even still thinks about me anymore =(