Theres a special place in hell for people who rebound to feel better

[Eocsor]

We've all had our hearts crushed at one time or another. And we all know how much it sucks to feel lonely. But in order to heal and move on you really do need to put in your time in the hurt locker. It's not a process that can be rushed and it's someting you need to do so your next relationship can start off on a solid foundation.

 

So why F it up by taking the easy way out and rebounding into another relationship. What do you accomplish by that? You delay your healing by substituting one drug for another. And odds are you end up hurting someone else in the process.

 

We all say that it's OK, it's not serious and the other person knows it, but 9 times out of 10, even if they say that they are OK with it, they are still hoping that a relationship develops out of it somehow.

 

And what does it say about you that you're too weak and pathetic that you HAVE to date someone, anyone, in order to feel good about yourself and worthwhile.

 

Yes, some rebounds last but doesn't that simply say that the person is so emotionally needy that they can't be alone? And how sound is the foundation of that relationship.

 

Is it really OK to use someone else in order to make ourselves feel better?

[Mario043]

No it isn't.. And I've been debating with friends and family over this issue.. Some say to just go out and start dating.. No way.. I'm not ready. Furthermore, who among us would want to be used in that manner? And you are right, people can't control their emotions, so why would you selfishly want to inflict pain on another, when you know all too well what that pain feels like? Definitely selfish behaviour.

[quantumst8]

 

Is it really OK to use someone else in order to make ourselves feel better?

 

Depends on what you mean by "use". I say it's bad if there's deception involved. But if you're on the rebound and you tell someone you're not looking for anything serious, then it's on them if they don't listen to you.

[Flyingpiglet]

I was someones rebound, I'm pretty sure of that. Though he did his best to convince me otherwise, it all reached the same conclusion in the end!

 

I was a convinient, agreeable stepping stone that helped him move from one serious relationship to where he is now! Maybe he's still rebounding all from his last one with the current one, I hope not for her sake!!!

 

So although I'm sure it isn't really a question that you want an answer to..... NO, it really isn't okay!

[Eocsor]

Depends on what you mean by "use". I say it's bad if there's deception involved. But if you're on the rebound and you tell someone you're not looking for anything serious, then it's on them if they don't listen to you.

 

I can't agree. You can't push the responsibility you have onto someone else. You know the state tyou are in and you know what you should or should not do. In the end it's your responsibility.

[6yeardumped]

I can't agree. You can't push the responsibility you have onto someone else. You know the state tyou are in and you know what you should or should not do. In the end it's your responsibility.

 

Hmmm, so the person who was used as a rebound knowing from the beginning that he/she was being used as a rebound and still accepts the "deal" has no responsibility whatsoever? The responsability lays exclusively on the rebounder?

 

They know they are being used, yet, they accept it to "benefit" from the situation one way or the other... and even though, according to your logic, they have no responsability???

 

Under your logic, being "used" as a rebound equals being "emotionally" raped??

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Depends on what you mean by "use". I say it's bad if there's deception involved. But if you're on the rebound and you tell someone you're not looking for anything serious, then it's on them if they don't listen to you.

 

I disagree...as my signature indicates. Just because someone agrees to being used, doesn't mean it is okay to use someone.

[quantumst8]

I disagree...as my signature indicates. Just because someone agrees to being used, doesn't mean it is okay to use someone.

 

Being physical with someone while you're on the rebound does not mean you must be using them in some negative way. They may tell you they're not looking for anything serious either, and that they're fine with what you are able to give. If they change their mind on that later (or worse, if they lie from the get-go), it's not your fault.

[Eocsor]

Hmmm, so the person who was used as a rebound knowing from the beginning that he/she was being used as a rebound and still accepts the "deal" has no responsibility whatsoever? The responsability lays exclusively on the rebounder?

 

They know they are being used, yet, they accept it to "benefit" from the situation one way or the other... and even though, according to your logic, they have no responsability???

 

Under your logic, being "used" as a rebound equals being "emotionally" raped??

 

People usually agree to that deal because they still hope a relationship forms out of it. So yes, it's still essentially your responsibility. Plus you really shouldn't be dating at that stage for the other reasons listed. A cup of coffee's one thing, but a full on rebound not cool.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hmmm, so the person who was used as a rebound knowing from the beginning that he/she was being used as a rebound and still accepts the "deal" has no responsibility whatsoever? The responsability lays exclusively on the rebounder?

 

They know they are being used, yet, they accept it to "benefit" from the situation one way or the other... and even though, according to your logic, they have no responsability???

 

Under your logic, being "used" as a rebound equals being "emotionally" raped??

 

Sure the other person bears responsibility as well, but not total responsibility. Usually the rebounder really turns on the charm..so their words don't really match their actions. They want what they want so they absolve themselves of guilt by using the faux honesty of their words, while their actions are designed to charm the pants off the rebound so that rebound will be hooked and will focus on the actions rather than the words. Rebounders do deceive in order to get what they want.

[Eocsor]

Being physical with someone while you're on the rebound does not mean you must be using them in some negative way. They may tell you they're not looking for anything serious either, and that they're fine with what you are able to give. If they change their mind on that later (or worse, if they lie from the get-go), it's not your fault.

 

It still is your responsibity because on your end you are just using them. And as I said most people agree to that deal because they hope a relationship might grow from it. When theres sex involved, more often than not emotions get caught up in the equation no matter what the intent and someone gets hurt.

 

Bottom line, if you really aren't ready to date someone don't.

[quantumst8]

I'm not sure why you're obsessed with this word "use". Perhaps two people would just like to enjoy being with each other for a time and then they want to part ways. Rebound or not, if one person is dishonest about their intentions and they secretly want more, that's not the other person's fault.

 

If I were to go by your view of sex and intimacy, I would have to conclude it's always wrong to being physical with someone unless there's truly the possibility of a life-long relationship. And I do not agree with that. For some of us, we'll never have a life long relationship. We'll live our lives with other goals and on rare and blessed occasion, enjoy the passing company of a lover who makes for a warm and beautiful night and then is gone in the morning. Ever heard the Bob Seger song, "Why Don't You Stay?"

 

In any case, people need to take personal responsibility for their emotions. A woman can't blame me for not wanting more with her if I'm honest with her up front, nor could a man blame a woman for the same.

[Mellie]

I don't even know what a rebound is. I've spent no longer than six consecutive months single my adult life (never started dating again til a couple of months had passed though), and I haven't had a single relationship less than a 18 months or so. I wouldn't describe any of them as rebounds (though it's true I'd never completely healed from the previous ex when I met the next one). I don't think it's a great plan, you are dragging crap into your new relationship and probably sabotaging it from the start. But whenever I've started seeing someone new, I just wouldn't go back to the old. That kind of cements it in my mind for me. I probably won't be repeating the same this time around because I kind of feel weary from the whole thing. I don't feel like I can be assed with relationships right now - for once I'm happy where I am. Having said that, if a guy who floats my boat turned up tomorrow, yeah, all of that would go out of the window... Mind you, looking back, I probably said all this before and that was exactly what happened.

[Flyingpiglet]

From my perspective, the confusion seems to be the difference between casual sex and rebound.

 

Casual sex, you are both just looking for someone for physical intimacy, no strings, no emotions, nothing more nothing less.

Rebound, you're using someone as a healing tool in an attempt to forget/move on from someone else. Not healthy for anybody IMO.

[tiredofvampires]

People usually agree to that deal because they still hope a relationship forms out of it. So yes, it's still essentially your responsibility. Plus you really shouldn't be dating at that stage for the other reasons listed. A cup of coffee's one thing, but a full on rebound not cool.

 

It is not your responsibility to make everyone else take emotional charge of their lives.

 

I do not condone taking advantage of someone's weakness, knowingly. However, if you are up front and are not telling them lies, or deceiving them, you're not stringing them along and they can at any moment say they've had enough of this arrangement. I would question someone who knows the other person is hoping for more than they themselves want to have, for continuing to get "fixes" from this person, only because to me, the pleasure of whatever fix you're getting should be cancelled out by the discomfort of such an equality of feeling. It's nobler and kinder not to continue in such an arrangement, but it's not officially "your responsibility". I don't wish to be patronized any more than strung along.

 

The only hell that weakness knows is of its own making.

 

If you're in a rebound, usually the biggest lie you're telling is the one you're telling yourself.

[thejigsup]

My last relationship was a rebound from a guy I left, if you call finding someone tons better for you right after a breakup a rebound. I loved him with all of my heart and was with him for 12 years until he died. If I am going to Heck for loving someone who was head and shoulders better than the one who preceded him, it will be worth it. Rebounds are NOT evil. Sometimes they are the best thing that can happen to a person. Upgrading, so to speak. T was a wonderful man and if I had not "rebounded" with him I would have missed the most wonderful relationship of my life.

[Mellie]

My last relationship was a rebound from a guy I left, if you call finding someone tons better for you right after a breakup a rebound. I loved him with all of my heart and was with him for 12 years until he died. If I am going to Heck for loving someone who was head and shoulders better than the one who preceded him, it will be worth it. Rebounds are NOT evil. Sometimes they are the best thing that can happen to a person. Upgrading, so to speak. T was a wonderful man and if I had not "rebounded" with him I would have missed the most wonderful relationship of my life.

 

Exactly. You never know what, or who, is around the corner. Why should you pass up opportunities if it feels right? For the ex? For appearances sake? The hell with that. Life is for living and time stands still for no man.

 

Anyhoo, that's all I've got. All out of cliches for now.

[Eocsor]

Exactly. You never know what, or who, is around the corner. Why should you pass up opportunities if it feels right? For the ex? For appearances sake? The hell with that. Life is for living and time stands still for no man.

 

Anyhoo, that's all I've got. All out of cliches for now.

 

On rare occasions the right one is the rebound but the majority of times it's just someone who's too desperate to stay on their own. People who jump from relationship to relationship with little pause in between are relationship junkies. They convince themselves that each relationship is the one because they don't have the strength to be on their own. They learn nothing from each succesive breakup. I believe theres a whole breed of serial monogamists out there that fit that bill.

[thejigsup]

If you have no feelings for the new person and are using them as a band-aid, then it is a rebound. If you have just met a wonderful person within weeks of a breakup and they are just an exceptional person, then you'd have to be a total idiot to pass it up. I heal very quickly, so I didn't really bring any baggage into the relationship except that any man I was going to be with could not smoke, drink, or use recreational drugs. T was all of that, plus he was successful, funny, caring, great in bed, loved animals, tall, good looking, just every woman's dream. I was supposed to say NO to that? Not in this lifetime.

[Eocsor]

If you have no feelings for the new person and are using them as a band-aid, then it is a rebound. If you have just met a wonderful person within weeks of a breakup and they are just an exceptional person, then you'd have to be a total idiot to pass it up. I heal very quickly, so I didn't really bring any baggage into the relationship except that any man I was going to be with could not smoke, drink, or use recreational drugs. T was all of that, plus he was successful, funny, caring, great in bed, loved animals, tall, good looking, just every woman's dream. I was supposed to say NO to that? Not in this lifetime.

 

There are exeptions to everything in life. But I think we all know thats not what we are talking about.

[Mellie]

Yeah, but you only know it's an exception with the benefit of hindsight.

 

People 'use' each other in every kind of relationship - at least, in the beginning. Ok, not a mother and child, maybe - I guess you don't choose that one. But friendships, relationships - social relationships - we seek out those who give us pleasure, whatever that reward may be. Maybe they make us feel better about ourselves, maybe they're hot, maybe they're witty, maybe they make us feel safe, maybe they're intelligent and inspire us - whatever. Social interraction isn't a selfless activity by any means. We're all in it for what we can get, at least initially, til love develops and you start to hold that person and their needs in high regard. Until then, they are disposeable if they start to display traits we're not keen on, rebound or not.

 

I don't think you know it's a rebound until you've bounced off them, or whether it was the real thing til you've fallen for them, and yeah, I agree that if you know from the outset it's not going anywhere, then it's crappy to mislead them, but I've just never experienced that myself. If I were that sure, why would I be fooling around with them in the first place? Doesn't compute, for me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Most rebounders are in major denial that they are rebounding....because they are too desperate to find a replacement that they have no time for self-reflection. I agree with Ecosor...serial monogamists don't know how to be alone..they will convince themselves of being in love because they don't have the ability to self-reflect. They are driven by their fear of being alone and their desperate need to continue the lifestyle they had before - the relationship lifestyle where there is always someone around to go out with, comfort them, sleep with, go on vacations with etc. They don't have to learn how to do these things alone because they have just found a replacement within 5 minutes of a relationship ending. Many rebounders will quickly get over an ex simply because it is about having a relationship, anybody will do...it is not about finding love, it is about finding someone to be a companion.

[tiredofvampires]

If you have no feelings for the new person and are using them as a band-aid, then it is a rebound. If you have just met a wonderful person within weeks of a breakup and they are just an exceptional person, then you'd have to be a total idiot to pass it up. I heal very quickly, so I didn't really bring any baggage into the relationship except that any man I was going to be with could not smoke, drink, or use recreational drugs. T was all of that, plus he was successful, funny, caring, great in bed, loved animals, tall, good looking, just every woman's dream. I was supposed to say NO to that? Not in this lifetime.

 

That's not a rebound.

 

That's just going with something great for it's own sake.

[AnnaN]

I agree it is not good to use people or play with other people's feelings but this is not always the case. First of all, you can never be sure if you are the rebounder or in a rebound relationship. There are people who get over their ex in a few days or weeks, others it will take them years. If you meet someone who broke up a year ago for example you will never think you are the rebound. Or you may think you got the ex over and you start a new relationship, how sure can you be that it is not a rebound one?

 

You use the other person for a reason, or you need them for a reason. Isn't this the case in most relationships? Why do we want them in our lives? There's always a reason, no matter right or wrong, no one can define that.

 

For me, the only thing it matters is honesty, don't play with the other person's feelings. You can tell them I just got out of a relationhip, or I don't know if I am ready, if they choose to stay you have no responsibility. You give something they take and you take something they give. If you are both ok with that, it's fine, nothing immoral, nothing that will save you a place in hell.

 

And of course there are many rlationships that may start as rebounds but then they change.

[quantumst8]

I'll add that I've been on the end where I got attached to someone that was on rebound. I even wrote a thread about it on here some time back:

 

 

 

I don't blame her for anything and I'm glad I got a night to be with her.