Made huge mistake breaking contact and now im furious at myself!!! -Lesson 4 all

[highcontrast]

I wasn’t going to post about this purely because of my embarrassment! But now it’s got to the point where i have to because i need to vent - badly!

 

I’ve posted about this (stupidness) in another thread:

 

 

Very long story short – LDR, met summer 2010 via dating site, dated on & off till about Jan 2011, problem was I hadn’t moved on emotionally from a past ex (esp. in the beginning), plus had major case GIGs throughout, but she never gave me an ultimatum, and actually put up with my behaviour despite everything (wish she hadn’t tho), but mutually agreed to friends (more for her benefit as i didn’t feel right about it) about Feb./march 2011.

We continued to chat as friends, still getting on really well, I’m starting to miss her more, then April time she tells me she’s seriously seeing one, I panic, realise what an idiot I’ve been, beg, plead for a few weeks. NC for 3 weeks, she gives me breadcrumbs, which i fall for! NC one more month, i wish her happy birthday, exchange polite emails but that comes to nothing, then early sept i try to contact but just end up peeing her off. She tells me she’s seeing someone, but is logging into the dating site we met on at the time.

 

Anyway last thurs, after two months solid NC, for some random, stupid reason i decide to send her flowers to her work. And not just one, but 3 lots! (3 single roses to be exact).

The messages were:

1 - i miss u...

2 - i know i messed up...and im really sorry...

3 - so say you'll meet me - even it is so i stop sending you flowers xxx

 

I’m not exactly sure where it came from, but it genuinely felt like a great idea at the time! And part of me has continuously thought that, because i broke her trust and messed up the relationship, I still felt I had to show that I had changed and I still had to chase a little, was it totally wrong of me to think that? But more stupidly I thought that i didn’t care what the outcome was, whether she told me to get lost, whether she came running back or whether she ignored me.

 

I should point out that she had logged in to the dating site a week before this happened, so i thought maybe she was single again? And that there was a small window of opportunity

 

Problem is, since sending them she hasn’t contacted me at all. I was fully expecting a “please f*** off, are you stupid! What are you doing/ im seeing someone / i don’t want to hear from you” etc etc. But not a peep. And now thats driven me crazy!

 

(btw - she wasnt sure who it was at all until the final rose when they told her my location – so very small chance she still may not know who its from but unlikely. But does sound like shes been in & out of at least one relationship)

 

I was doing really really well under NC, now i feel back to square one, in fact probably worse than square one!

 

There was a religious festival recently - Diwali (were both hindu) that in hindsight was a perfect time to send her a text, but that week, i was in firm NC mode and being very proud and strong about it. But I think i may have panicked a bit having realised i missed that opportunity to send a polite text. I kinda knew that when breaking contact it has be light – but i went in all guns blazing! Were the flowers as bad as I think they were? I know its a big no-no - but as I was saying ive kept thinking my situation was different - being the person who caused the breakup, the one who hurt her etc. I should point out that perhaps I got more bad advice about the flowers (off a female again!)

 

But I’m furious at myself - firstly for the continuous and numerous mistakes ive made post BU (despite knowing exactly what to do) and secondly for messing it up in the first place with her. And part of me is thinking it doesn’t matter, i may as well just keep contacting and being persistent now as i have nothing to lose!

 

Anyway please help, think im losing my mind (again). And please persuade me from contacting her again! Im feeling just like i did post BU, sick, sad and punching walls again! Writing this has helped a little.

 

Its just made me realise how much i miss her... i even went on google maps today to see her old apartment where we used to chill, so clearly i know im not thinking exactly straight.

 

Could i send a joke message, to kinda lighten the mood of the flowers? i.e “So im free this sat ” (yes... i know bad idea!)

 

I just really don’t know what to do

 

btw I know some of you might say I don’t deserve her anyway, but honestly i just feel I wasn’t in the right place (emotionally) to appreciate her, I made a big mistake an I put my hands up, and take all the blame for what went wrong.

 

Anyway please let this be a warning to all those thing of breaking NC, only do it if your 110% sure you don’t care what the outcome is.

[Eocsor]

Take a deep breath and relax. We all do stupid things after we breakup, it's human nature. You won't be the first and you definitely won't be the last to go for the grand romantic gesture and have it backfire.

 

So what, you sent flowers. How bad is that? Not too really. So you got no response. Big deal. It doesn't mean anything.

 

Just go back to NC and work on healing yourself. Forget about her for now and let the future take care of itself. Your job right now is getting better.

[Thorshammer]

You still care about her... you still like her... that pushed you to send the flowers. Its not like you are lying, you did what you wanted to do, your feelings pushed you to show that you still like her.

 

Its either feel like you do now... or feel like you felt when you are were on crazy mode wanting to do something when you noticed her whole dating-site thing, or when the weeks fly by and you realized you didnt do anything. Either way, you would feel down. Its a breakup, bro, every corner is hurt-street.

[Sim54]

He said it.

What do you do?

You do nothing.

Did you mess up?

No, considering that you already lost her. It can't be any worse than it already is.

It hurts, and you feel stupid, but truth is, you weren't in any state to have a relationship with this girl when you had the chance, and you also are in not much better shape to deal with NOT having her now. The only way forward is to give up all hope, and get over it, and her, and move on.

You lost her trust, and there is nothing you can do about that right now.

Maybe one day, you might get another chance with her, but it's extremely unlikely.

 

I too, did what you did, I entered a relationship when I wasn't over my ex, and it cost me the girl. I too thought I had realised my mistake and tried to get her back. It was me that left her, then changed my mind. Now, she is with someone else. She was angry at first, but we spoke just under a year after we broke and she was super sweet to me (it was a chance meeting). I saw that she held no ill will towards me and still cared. A few months later I sent her a text, having seen her in the street, and I was about to move abroad so was sure she would reply, if only to say bye. She didn't. I went mental like you did, but didn't chase her, and I've heard nothing since. Does it mean she will never speak to me again? No, it doesn't, it just means she didn't want to speak to me then.

 

Doesn't matter.

Accept that you * * * * ed up, and you are hurting and get back on the horse and move on. And DON'T contact her again, at LEAST for another 2 years.

Better yet, just let it go.

[happymeboy]

Flowers to the office ? Big boost for her ego so you really didnt do a bad thing here, at least to her long time ago i have done worse things hahahahaha and i always got my woman and my mojo back so not to worry, just do some serious chilling here and play it down cool.

No joke messages, will piss her off!! You need some serious strategy here,bro!! and you are dwelling at Hope Street

[jeepman41]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I was a grand gesture sure, but it was only flowers. Like others said people do irrational things at the end of breakups and that is quite normal. Reason being is, love is a form of temporary insanity. Just think of all the illogical things people do when they fall in love.

[highcontrast]

Many many thanks guys for the replies, you’ve made me feel heaps better. You have no idea how desperately i wanted to contact her today, a feeling i'd totally forgotten about actually over the last two months of NC. It felt just like after the BU.

 

Im pi$$ed off because me sending flowers/breaking NC was completely out of context, because i was doing so well, and slowly forgetting about her, plus if anyone should have broken it should have been her (although if I’m honest I don’t think she would have).

 

If just feels like my timing and decision making is just always soooo wrong

 

Im tired of the emotional rollercoaster that I keep putting myself on! Its pi$$es me off so much because its problems I’ve caused for myself! I am definitely my own worst enemy! For a start I should have committed to her the first time - in hindsight we were really compatible, and secondly i should have played all so different after the BU, I knew I had go NC, play it cool, but I still failed at the critical moments.

 

I feel had I gone hardcore strict NC she would have contacted me again, guess now we'll never know?

 

I feel I’ve made so many mistakes. And I think my problem is that i keep thinking about the "what if's" about when we were together (and post BU), it kinda eats away at my soul if im honest. I know you cant change the past and there’s no point dwelling on it, but personally for me, I find this kind of thing really affects me hard.

 

Im glad most of think the flowers weren’t too bad tho, it was really concerning me that it was a huge mistake? Whether she was touched by the gesture i don’t know but yeah i agree it definitely fed her ego. And I’ve probably been feeding her ego ever since. She's was always a very down to earth girl, but im sure even those types of girls love the attention and that feeling of "i told you so" right?

 

happymeboy - lol thanks for your post, I’m curious tho - you did worse things and always got your woman and your mojo back! Please do tell!

[highcontrast]

Ok... Feeling a little desperate again this morning having just woke up. (I do miss her greatly)

 

I know what the majority answer will be but, is 'doing nothing' my 'only' choice of action? Hasn't the damage been done to an extent? Is there a quick email I could send to prompt some sort, any sort of reaction from her? Even a 'hi' email?

 

Is there a small possibility that she still wants me to 'chase'? (and suffer a little more having been the one break her heart?)

 

On a related note can persistence ever work? Especially in my situation where I caused the breakup? I know of one female friend who split up from her long term boyfriend, he basically kept persisting, contacting, telling her he wanted to get back together etc. They eventually got married and have had a baby too. I just feel as I've done neither, not proper NC and not properly chased either.

 

P.s. Happymeboy, still love to know how you and your ex got back together?

[Sim54]

If there was a possibility that she wanted to be chased she would have responded to the flowers.

I'm afraid that she isn't interested.

Chasing a woman NEVER works.

Wooing her can, but well, only if the door is already open, and right now it isn't.

You could keep banging on that door, but in the end you will only piss her off, and she will eventually answer but only to tell you to go away.

 

In any case, this isn't about your love for her, but about your need for her right now. It's only her rejection of not responding that is making you feel like this. You didn't feel like this 2 weeks ago, and in fact, when could have sent a Diwali text, you didn't. That says it all.

 

I suffered the same thing, and your emotions now are a flip side to the coin of your lack of emotions with her.

 

You weren't able to be WITH her, and you aren't able to leave her either. At no point either with her or now, are you actually in the moment.

In the relationship with her, you were 'with; your past ex, and now this girl is gone, you are 'with' her. Never are you were you are.

 

The only cure for this is to accept the loss. In doing so, you will be able to be present with your next girl.

 

What you have to understand is that love has an energy to it, and it must be returned. When she loved you, you didn't return it, and in the end it burnt out.

As my ex said to me 'you are too late'.

 

In the end, my ex, and I guess yours, both had issues with unavailable men, and so they are partly to blame here, but only for sticking with a guy who wasn't available.

 

If you were to get her back now, then subconsciously, you would believe that it's ok to not be available to your girl, because look, you can get her back later.

 

This way, by losing her for good then you feel the consequences of your actions. When you enter a relationship without healing from the last one, you are doomed to lose them.

And that applies here too.

She CAN'T come back as you haven't healed from your last relationship.

Just like before.

Nothing has changed, you still haven't learnt your lesson.

You are still pining for an ex, first your ex ex, now your ex.

 

So, in answer to your questions, no, she doesn't want you to chase. If she loved you, she wouldn't want you to suffer a bit. She would open the door, and talk to you.

Persistance CAN work, but only when there is a clear sign that they are interested, and that there is still a connection there.

That is not the case here.

 

Let go, accept that loss, accept that you messed up and learn from it, and grow up, as this is the behaviour of an emotional teenager, not an adult.

[dabbledave]

Hi mate,

 

Yesterday I arranged a small bunch of seasonal flowers to be delivered to my ex at her workplace. The attached message was linked to a cultural festival in her country of origin. It was probably an inappropriate move and I got slammed for it on my thread at .

 

Anyway, last night I received acknowledgement and thanks via Gmail chat. She said it was a "pleasant surprise". She also said she was "generally happy" now in her life.

 

Regardless of how my ex responded, I trust that that will be my final gesture after four and a half months of LC. First day of NC for me is today.

 

For you. You did the hard part of two months NC already. You have proven to yourself you can do it (whereas I haven't). So don't do anything now. No prompting. Maybe she doesn't work there any more and didn't even receive them? Maybe she's wondering how to respond? Who knows? If she does respond to say thank you, just say you're welcome and resume your life of NC .

 

Reposition the roses in your mind as your final encore, the curtain call, the grand last gesture, the ultimate expression of your heart as you walk away into a great future for yourself.

 

That's how I'm positioning in my mind my gift of flowers to my ex.

 

Be cool, stay positive, enjoy now, look forward.

 

DD

[happymeboy]

You need to know that the first organ you must stimulate in a woman is her brain. Face it, she can go and have any man so you will have to bring something super on the table to make her reconsider her options. And ladies love men who can make them laugh (powerful tool!). Mix all these stuff with good sex memories and you got yourself a pretty decent chance to succeed in the recovery strategy.

I mention sex cause we tend to get addict to things/experiences that make us feel good about ourselves and we are always on the repeat BUT it must come along with personality attraction. If your personality traits are gone for her then you won’t be able to pull this off. Personality is the main differentiator between us and the other billion men out there, and it is the main factor that our women feel more connected to. Now, the funny part comes here : it is called PERCEPTION (tighten your seat belts!!!). you might be the wrong guy with the wrong wording (cant stimulate her), with the wrong sense of humor, with no sex appeal and with the absolute wrong personality traits AND YET she got “the right” perception about this guy. Getting now the meaning of “women are soo complicated” ?

But you want to know how I get some ex’s back. Here are two cases:

1 – My fault. Didn’t pay her attention enough and didn’t care much about her till the day she found the courage to leave me. Then I realized what a good partner I had (typical). She completely ignored me and vanished from Earth. Didn’t return calls and when did, she made very clear that it was over for her after all my lack of everything, specially the attention. My move ? I focused on her character and her likes and dislikes so strategy was set. Humor !! I went to her apartment and explained her my past behavior. I was abducted by aliens!!! Yep, and I got a trauma after being molested by ten green creatures during all night long. She couldn’t stop laughing, actually she was literally crying. She got into a super good mood. Rest of night was amazing and we reconciled.

2 – My fault. She was completely right to dump me. What an a$$ hole I was !!! again, I focused on her character and due to her smartness I had to really focus on the intellectual neuron. I sent her an email to her work apologizing for my rude and childish behavior. I told her I understood her reaction and the decision she took towards our relation. I even told her I would have done the same (I needed to validate her decision to prove her right ). I closed the email with the sentence “I am disappointed in myself for having betrayed my own feelings for you. You make me want to be a better man”. She came running.

 

In both cases I was not desperate but a recollected guy showing what they need, saying the right things and being very confident. They perceived that’s the guy they wanted with them.

 

I hope you are getting the message here : if you act freaky they will freak out. If you act calm and collected they will react good.

 

Success ? depends on how they perceive you and on what they want/need at that moment. Nothing is guaranteed.

[Nick Lansing]

Don't beat yourself up over this. It was a sweet gesture and I bet she was moved. Probably not exactly in the way you'd haeliked, but there is certainly a part of her that felt good about the gesure. I did something similar in my previous breakup and she reacted about the same way (no response). We did get back together a few months later, and she admitted the flowers had made her feel good, but that she also resented the gesturetoo, in kind of a "too little, too late" way.

 

As with your situation, I had taken her for granted and she was with someone new when I sent the flowers.

 

I don't think you did anything to hurt your chances, but on the other hand, I have never heard of a gesture like that changing an ex's mind either.

 

I'd step away again now.

[Rotterdam]

To OP I feel sorry for you and I agree with Nick Lansing - flowers will not bring her back and time will tell if she will ever reconsider.

 

To Happymeboy I think you should open a Female Academy in your country.Your description of female behavior and our perceptions are quite accurate. Your two stories are quite funny and I can see why those women reconciled with you (we still have to check the looks). Just kidding It keeps hopes high to find guys with such talent and understanding about females,not many where I live.

[happymeboy]

i had to close the academy not long ago,nobody was paying their bills women...who understands them,really sometimes you hit the right button and others you touch the wrong nerve Looks ? What looks, mine? Terrible!!! and I cant even cook so figure what a catch

[LaceWing]

Highcontrast, probably not what you'd ideally like to hear, but if she didn't respond to the flowers at all....then start taking steps to moving on. Baby steps. One day at a time.

 

Putting your heart on the line by saying or doing something that shows you still care and have feelings, but then being ignored for it is terribly hurtful. I've experienced something similar.....but I think there is something right about now that should be more important to you than this woman. Your pride.

 

You've done what you can for now......I say now look after yourself.

[Autumnleaves]

I think it was a lovely gesture. Ok you didn't get the response you had hoped for, but you made the effort & tried.

 

I would now start thinking about YOU & finding ways to help you to heal.

[highcontrast]

Many thanks for your replies guys, they've been really helpful again, even if some weren't exactly what I wanted to hear!

 

Happymeboy - I loved your post about how you got your exes back buy basically identfying their personalities and the need to stimulate their brains, it made perfect sense.

 

Every contact I've made since BU has been slightly negative,needy and clingy, i.e. would have creeped her out a little.

 

With my ex humour between us was the big thing and I was always very cocky and jokey with her (everything I wasn't post BU). So I took your advice and emailed her on fri, with aa cocky, funny email that made light of the flowers, what do you think?:

 

'So good news, because I'm such a good customer, the woman at the florist says I have a lifetime discount in their shop now! Yay!

 

But apparently, now there's a bit shortage of red roses in South London!

 

No reply still, but there's that (stupid) part of me that's still fighting and hoping, plus I 'know' she definitely would have found it funny knowing her.

[dabbledave]

The joke's out there now.

 

Now leave it ... trust me.

[Sim54]

Seriously man, your motivation is way off whack. Your trying to get her back, and it won't work.

Her silence is very very loud

[dabbledave]

Highcontrast,

 

You have to make the move to the "healing after" forum. Check out this thread at . When I started that thread I felt that reconciliation was inevitable, and the more I did to push that belief, going from one extreme to other in terms of communication, the more anxious I felt. I acknowledged the anxiety and determined to get to the bottom of it. I realised that my expectations were way beyond reality and I had to let them go. I went through a process and I'm out the other side with more realistic expectations and a greater determination to forge ahead without her.

 

Cheers,

 

DD