CountryHGirl Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Hey ya'll, im new to these forums and need some good advice. Ill try to keep this short and to the point! My boyfriend and i have been dating for 2 years yesterday. I am 21, he is 24. We met years and years ago but only got together when i was 19. From the very first month, we both just knew we would be together forever. He said i love you in a short amount of time(i did too, obviously!) and we have been talking about marriage and future kids since around 9 months into our relationship. His whole entire family already accepts me, want us to get married, and even have had his nieces and nephews call me aunt hailey since we were about 6 months into our relationship. Things are great, but lately ive started thinking about my future financially, his future financially, and ours together. I come from a pretty wealthy family. I, being the black sheep of the family, decided to take my own route in life and i am going into law enforcement, which wont make me rich, and im ok with that. For myself on my own i would have more than enough. My boyfriend on the other hand, is still in college. He will be 25 in January. This worries me. He does have a set goal in mind, but hasnt seemed to be able to reach it. I encourage him to study, take good classes, and get his life together in a good way. He just doesnt seem that motivated. Its making me scared to think he might end up not caring about anything and doing the bare minimum to get by, which is not how i am. My dillemma is that he wants to propose within 1-2 years. i dont think he could even come close to affording a ring within that time. Im not sure that even in this economy, if he were to graduate college within that time, that he could even get a reasonable job. More and more people i know straight out of college are having a hard time becoming financially stable. Im very much aware of this, my boyfriend is not. Also, i will not consider living with him until the ring is on my finger. Where im from, its just custom to wait for the ring, which is very hard after 2 years of being together I dont know how long i should wait for the ring, especially since he wants to start living together soon. Its getting very hard to convince him of my values, because since he knew me before in my wild stage of life, he thinks im making them up. Also, if by some miracle we get down the isle within a couple years, i dont want to be the sole bread winner. Im ok with both of us working, but when we have kids down the road, i do not want to work. I want to raise them myself for the first year or 2. He seems to think this isnt a good idea, but i dont want my future kids to be raised by a nanny. I have a feeling he wouldnt be able to support me, let alone kids. I know many of you are probably thinking, oh my gosh, this girl is crazy. At 21 shes already thinking marriage and kids. Well, a little background on me: I graduated high school at 16, pretty much became the bad girl of my small town. I guess you could say i was sowing my wild oats until after college. I grew up pretty fast from the age 19 to now. Im ready to settle down, not to mention its very acceptable for people around my southern town to get married young. All of my friends from high school are already married. I know that i wont walk down the isle before the age 23 if that makes a difference. Im just looking for advice on what to do from here, or what i should talk to my boyfriend about. I dont want to make him feel inadequate, but i also dont want to sit back and do nothing about my future. I feel like if we are already talking about marriage, we should be able to talk about our future in all aspects, especially how i feel about financial security. I know when your in love with someone it shouldnt matter, but we all know it does now a days. Especially if we have kids. Any tips on how to talk to him about this?? Sorry if my post was all over the place, its hard for me to write as fast as i think! Link to comment
RedDress Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 What is he taking in school? Is it basket weaving or music (ie: something that has little to no job prospects) or is it engineering or accounting or something? Makes a difference. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 It's good that you have a focus and a life plan, got your wild side out of the way and are pretty clear on what you want to do. By age 21. I wouldn't be too surprised if the universe throws a few hurdles in your way, but that is to be expected. Depending how you truly feel about this guy, sit him down and say just what your thread said. That a future together means much more than a ring or living together. It's about shared values, shared ambitions, goals.....not just moving in together. If he isn't on the same page --- he's not going to get there in 2 years. How does he think he's going to support a family? All valid questions to ask if you don't see how to get there from here. Link to comment
CountryHGirl Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 He is taking business classes, but really doesnt know what he wants to do with that except "be his own boss"! We have discussed this part actually. I told him that unfortunately, not everyone can work for themselves, own their own business, or just skate through life. I think i made him realize that it is perfectly ok to have dreams and goals, but that he might have to take a few crappy jobs he doesnt like first to get to where he wants to be. I just dont want to make him feel like im judging him, or pushing him unnecessary. I just think ahead and plan alot. Also, i dont want to seem like a spoiled brat saying that i need a ring soon or whatever. But, i dont want to just wait around for years and years waiting for him to be able to afford to marry me, and hes getting annoyed with my "values". Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Hey --- I wanted to be my own boss too. And I am....and have been since age 37. But to get there, I had to get an MBA, work in the industry for 15 years, and earn a lot of "connections". His plan is a nice dream...but reality is a different picture. You can judge all you want -- but you can't push him where he doesn't want to go. However, you don't really need a ring, because from the sound of it, he couldn't afford an apartment with you anyway. I wouldn't worry about waiting around...he has a lot of maturing to do....and you are kinda on your way. Link to comment
Captain Obvious Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Sounds like a lot of pressure on his head. First he needs a job, then needs to buy you your marriage just so you two can live together. Then, when you eventually have children, hes the one thats going to work so you can raise them. It worrys you that hes in college at 25 doing business classes, sounds like hes in a good position to me. Link to comment
CountryHGirl Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 Sounds like a lot of pressure on his head. First he needs a job, then needs to buy you your marriage just so you two can live together. Then, when you eventually have children, hes the one thats going to work so you can raise them. It worrys you that hes in college at 25 doing business classes, sounds like hes in a good position to me. See thats why i dont want to talk to him about this, or Im not sure how to. I know that i probably sound like a whiny brat: "I want a ring, a wedding, a guy with a job...blah blah blah!" But really, i have not really said these things to him directly. We have talked about marriage, yes, but i have never said i need a ring soon, or told him he needs to get a job to support me. I HAVE said that i need a ring before we can move in together. I HAVE encouraged him to stay in school and get his degree, since on many occasions he wanted to quit after being in college for 6+years. Maybe i shouldnt say anything to him... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Two questions -how do you feel about him being the full time parent (and how would he feel). And ,what are you doing to save money for your desire to be a full time parent? When I knew I wanted to do that eventually, I started saving money (after I finished grad school and paid off my loans) so that in case I married someone who couldn't afford to have me not bring in an income my nest egg could substitute. I didn't have a child until about 12 years after I started saving (not because of an intention to delay, just took me that long to be and to meet the right person). Link to comment
Captain Obvious Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 It just seems like your basically looking for someone to pay for how you want to live your life. Link to comment
CountryHGirl Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 Two questions -how do you feel about him being the full time parent (and how would he feel). And ,what are you doing to save money for your desire to be a full time parent? When I knew I wanted to do that eventually, I started saving money (after I finished grad school and paid off my loans) so that in case I married someone who couldn't afford to have me not bring in an income my nest egg could substitute. I didn't have a child until about 12 years after I started saving (not because of an intention to delay, just took me that long to be and to meet the right person). Really good questions. For the first question i assume you mean the parent that wont work(or wont work as much, correct?) I actually think he would be a great full time parent. He is very good with kids, wants kids, and is actually a great cook and takes care of his place very well in terms of cleaning and such. I, on the other hand, would LOVE to be the one to raise kids. Its actually one of the reasons i got my life together. I thought i was pregnant at one point, and realized that if i was, not only would i have to stop my partying, i WANTED to. It was a wake up call to the fact that i would love to be a mom and stay at home to raise my kids. So, my old life had to stop and i was plenty ok with that. OBV i wasnt preg, but it cleared up my life for me. To answer your second question: I have not quit my part time job. To explain, i already have a job in my field. Its okay, and im working my way up to get where i want to be. But i still have the part time job i have had for over a year. I use that money(from the pt job) for savings. I put in at least 3/4 of my paycheck to a savings account, and have not touched it for months, and will not do so. I didnt start it with kids in mind, but it is there if i need it and is continually growing every 2 weeks! Link to comment
CountryHGirl Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 It just seems like your basically looking for someone to pay for how you want to live your life. I respect your answer, but if i wanted that....i would have stayed on my parents "plan" for me. My mom is a surgeon and my Dad is a lawyer. All i would have to do is ask them to support me and they would. But, thats why i am working to jobs and supporting myself, because i dont NEED someone to take care of me. But, later on when i have kids or whatever, id like to be able to spend time with them without having to worry about working the first 1-2 years of their life. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Thanks for your answers! I would keep building that nest egg for your full time mom plan and tell him you are doing that to show him that you want to contribute $ to being a full time mom even if you won't be bringing in an income. I love being a full time mom after 17 years of working and believe me it is very hard work (he is almost 3). Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I guess I'm not clear on why you need a ring in 2 yrs? Link to comment
CountryHGirl Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 He wants to propose in 1-2 years. I think because i wont live with him until i get the ring Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Well, maybe if you change that parameter, you can take a lot of the pressure off. Because who is going to pay for the apt if he has no job and you have a part time job. BTW ---- kudos for going in on your own and not looking to stay on the family dole!! Link to comment
DN Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I think you should break up and try to find someone who has the ambitions you require to be able to live the lifestyle that you want. There is a risk that you will end up being with someone less successful than he of course, some people have become very successful while still young. Link to comment
CountryHGirl Posted November 9, 2011 Author Share Posted November 9, 2011 Thank you all so much for your replies. I really dont know which direction im going to go. I dont want to break up with him as i think it would look snotty. Like i dont want someone "beneath" me. I want him to achieve his goals, but im not sure if my work ethic and the fact that i already achieved mine will hinder us. My moms first husband was similar to my boyfriend. She had to pay for his school loans because he couldnt get a job, wasnt very motivated, and wanted to get married a year after they started dating. They had a son together, my half brother. She has always said she regrets not ever getting to spend the first years of his life with him, because she ended up working two jobs to support him and her ex husband. I just dont want to ever feel like i missed out on my kids lives. I also dont want to spend my life working my butt off and never being able to enjoy life. I know that my bf would feel horrible if that ever happened for us. He hates that i work 2 jobs already because its hard for us to make time for each other. Ultimately i think we have the same goals....getting married, starting a family, having a good stable income etc. I just dont think he realizes how much time, money, and effort it will take to achieve those. I dont want our relationship to crumble after we start our official life together. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I'm sure there are websites where you can calculate the $ it takes to have one parent stay home full time for two years, in different geographic locations. Would your bf be open to looking at the actual numbers? Link to comment
DN Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Do you know that even if he does make good money that he would be prepared to be the breadwinner while you get to do what you want? Link to comment
kaibutsu Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 You two are still pretty young and he's still in college. At that age I thought I was going to be an accountant and much later in life I've been in IT for years and years. He may very well not know what he wants to do. That said, at least some direction is probably a good thing at his age, especially if he is getting near the end of his time in school. Working for himself will not be easy though if that's what he intends. Especially if he seems unmotivated before he's even out of college. Right now should be the time to be extremely motivated and start planning what he is doing. Does he have any particular skill-set that he is planning to use to work for himself? I really dont know which direction im going to go. I dont want to break up with him as i think it would look snotty. Like i dont want someone "beneath" me. I want him to achieve his goals, but im not sure if my work ethic and the fact that i already achieved mine will hinder us. Hrmm. I notice that you didn't mention that you would miss him or that you would really be sad if you two weren't together. I guess what it really comes down to is this...you can't worry about seeming snotty or whatever because you make a decision to bail on this relationship. Here's the thing. You have an idea in your head of what this relationship is going to be like when you live together, but you haven't lived together and you have said that you won't live together until you are married. I understand customs and beliefs and the like, but you don't know what a person is really like until you've lived with them. You might be getting into something that you completely did not expect. That you have even mentioned ending the relationship means you've already considered it, but you were less concerned about losing the relationship and more concerned about how you might be seen by others for ending it. Does that say something to you? How do you really feel about this guy? Do you feel he is going to end up like your mother's ex-husband? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I think it's preferable not to live together before marriage especially if you plan to have children after marriage. I never lived with anyone (well, more than two weeks, once) and neither did my husband so yes, living together was an adjustment (as it was for my parents, who have been married over 50 years) but even if we had lived together before marriage we wouldn't have known what it was like to live with a newborn, now a toddler, to be new parents for the first time and I can see where living together before could have created all sorts of expectations about what it would be like after. We started our family shortly after we married so there were no real expectations about living together pre-baby. I also think it's a mistake to live together as a "test drive" to see what marriage will be like. I do think it's important to have overnights/vacations, etc (unless religion or similar prohibits it) so you can spend daily life together but sharing a living space and finances before marriage -not necessary and might be detrimental at least according to statistics and vicarious experience. Link to comment
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