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Ex called after 3.5 months, need advice


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This all happened last Saturday. I had an important exam and decided to concentrate on it till it passes and then come back to this. (I screwed up too many exams because of her, I can't allow myself to screw up another one)

 

It has been 3 and half months since the last time I talked to my ex, when she called me. I was quite surprised when I saw her name appear on the screen (I didn’t delete her from my contacts), but answered the phone. The conversation lasted about 30 seconds.

 

Me: Hello.

Ex: Hello (my name), here is (her name).

Me: Yes? (10 seconds passed, she said nothing) Yes? (she waited another 10 seconds and hang up)

 

After some minutes, she called again, and I answered.

Me: Hello.

Ex: Hello. I’m sorry about everything I did. I really loved you when we were together.

Me: That’s what you wanted to tell me?

Ex: Yes.

Me: OK. Bye.

Ex: Bye.

 

And I hang up.

She called me a third time. She asked whether I forgive her, yes, asked if I hate her, told me she is not that bad, I said I know. She asked how I am, said good, asked me how everything is going, said good again, she told to be very very happy, said ok, and that was it.

 

She called me a fourth time. (this all happened in 10 minutes period) started explaining something to me which I told her when I broke up with her. I said: Do you think explaining something now will change anything? No, but it will make me feel better. I said: sorry, I don’t want to explain now. She said ok, bye. Bye.

She sounded like she is feeling terrible or is drunk (don’t really know the difference, but it’s the first one most probably). After we broke up she was constantly searching for someone, and went on a couple of dates (I don’t stalk her, or ask about her, but we study together, so information come to me), was saying how bad I am and how she lost a lot of time with me etc etc. So I don’t really know why she called. My best guess is that she went with someone else, he was not what she had expected, and she wanted me back.

 

We broke up in January and were together for a week, NC the other for a period which lasted till July when talked to her for the last time. Those months were the worst in my life, it was terrible. I couldn’t do anything because of the constant arguing about EVERYTHING. But loved her too much and believed that it will all be better soon, so I stayed with her. She lied to me in June (I want to believe that it was the first time, even though I’m not sure), then I didn’t see her for a month because she was on holiday, but talked through skype and sms. I really wanted to forget that she lied and continue, but it was really hard so went over her place and told her how I want everything to be in order for us to be together. She said no, so I said that then we can’t talk anymore. Then in order to be sure that she won’t call and make her feel better about the breaking up with me, I started saying bad things (all I said was, you know, you are not good as you think you are, you have always made me feel bad or something like that), she got angry and told me to leave. I did without saying anything and that was it. I don’t want to get back together, I finally saw what happiness looks like (I had almost forgot when I was with her) and I want to stay happy. The problem is, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know why we broke up, she thinks that I think that she was with a friend of mine (which I don’t). She thinks that I hate her, which I don’t. I don’t see the point in hating. In the past, whenever I got angry she said things like don’t hate me, I’m not that bad (like she said on the phone) in order to make me say how she is not bad at all, and I love her, it’s just that I am mad bla bla bla.

 

I really want to call her now, just to tell her that I don’t hate her, wish her good luck, and maybe tell her why we broke up. I feel like I owe her that explanation (we were together over a year) even though she is not really good person. The problem is that I guess I’m not completely over her, when I answered the phone the first time, my hand started shaking. I’m afraid that some feeling may come to the surface. Can you give me advice? What do you think I should do? Any reply would be appreciated.

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I think calling her would open a can of worms. It sounds like she's behaved badly in the past and if she doesn't know that that contributed to the breakup, then she is a dumb little bunny. I think you should focus on your exam. and when that is over, finding someone new who is better suited for you!

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She sounds immature. All the calling and hanging up being tongue tied, etc. is goofy. Also, it took her 3.5 months to not only realize that she was wrong but to tell you that she was wrong. If I were you, I wouldn't give her another chance. You're already 3.5 months into the healing process. Keep going strong. Best of luck to you.

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This all happened last Saturday. I had an important exam and decided to concentrate on it till it passes and then come back to this. (I screwed up too many exams because of her, I can't allow myself to screw up another one)

 

Focus on this.

 

The problem is that I guess I’m not completely over her, when I answered the phone the first time, my hand started shaking. I’m afraid that some feeling may come to the surface.

 

This means you can't talk to her without getting emotionally involved in talking to her. So don't do it. If she can't sort out what she's doing wrong by now, believe me, hanging up 3-4 times because she doesn't know what to say sure isn't progress.

 

Worry about you. If she hasn't grown up yet - it won't matter what your words are, she's going to believe what suits her, no matter what you say. And it's going to hurt you when she's not the girl you see she could be.

 

So just leave it be, and keep moving on.

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Thanks everyone for your answers.

 

As I said the last few months while trying to work things out were terrible (we argued about everything, she always managed to find something bad and then I had to spend hours explaining it, and even when she did something wrong and I mentioned it, she always managed to turn the story around and made me feel like I was guilty), but we were always honest (at least I was) with each other and I always believed that we will start getting along better because I loved her a lot. Then she lied to me about a friend of mine, she went out with him and didn't want to tell me (I asked her to go out with me at the same time when she had already arranged to go out with him, and started telling me how she doesn't feel like going out); it's not a big lie, but it's still a lie, and together with everything else, it was just too much, so I decided that it has to end.

 

I finished the exam yesterday, that's why I'm bringing this up now. I believe that I am ready for someone new, and am looking, but not really actively as I don't really feel need to.

 

I know that I'm better without her, and will not give her second chance. I just thought that a little explanation could help her, if she honestly cares about what she did wrong. But Mesemene what you said makes sense, talking probably won't really help her and can hurt me, so I see now no reason to talk to her.

 

Thank again to everyone, I think I'm ready again to continue with the NC

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