raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Well...I will post one of my threads below about "dating my ex" so people can read up about this guy and our relationship. In short, BU end of Aug 2011. We hung out twice in the beg, of Oct. and about 2 weeks ago I told him I didn't want to hang out anymore bc I wasn't down with this FWB thing going on. He said, "Ok, I had said it probably wasn't the best idea for us to hang out right now." So, this morning about 9 am he txted me asking if I had any plans ths weekend. I have my kids this wknd, so I said "can't this wknd, but maybe next wknd or next Wednesday." He said "ok." I need some advice on what should happen if we do get together. This guy is one with abandonment issues from his parents death at a young age and has a history of getting scared of commitment, yet scared to be abandoned. A classic "distancer," if anyone has read Make Up Don't Break Up. Thanks! I know that if we work on getting back together there is going to have to be some change and willingness on his part for it to ever work. I have gotten to the point that I am no longer an emotional bag of sadness, so I'm feeling pretty cool and calm about this. I know that I won't be making any rash decisions based upon emotion at this point (thank God! lol). Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Wait...so you told him you no longer wanted to hang out anymore, and now you told him you're busy this weekend but next weekend you're free? I guess I don't understand why you're asking for advice about how to handle hanging out with him when you already made up your mind that you're not going to. If you don't have consistent intentions then you're not going to get consistent results. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Nothing there about getting back with you, nothing there about being your boyfriend. He told you in his own words, that he wants to keep you around as option B. He says he still doesn't want a relationship but enjoys being with me, and that we should also be seeing other people He had said he "needs to find himself." where we got drunk, and stupidly slept with him Is that the road you want to walk? If so, then you have your answer. All you can do is hope he doesnt find better (which will hurt you all over again), or that you will (best outcome actually). If not, then tell him you are busy. Unless you make him pay, be careless, be cool, then leave like if you just went out with a guy that smells. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Has anything changed between when you broke up and now? It seems to me that there couldn't have been enough time for any meaningful changes in that short a period. Unless he's getting counselling and you are going to try and see how it goes, sort of maintain your distance until you see if changes are likely, whats the point? If he hasn't taken concrete steps to start changing you'll end up right back where you started. Link to comment
raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 I told him I would not be a FWB. But, if he wants to hang out with plans of us poss getting back together...thats a diff story Wait...so you told him you no longer wanted to hang out anymore, and now you told him you're busy this weekend but next weekend you're free? I guess I don't understand why you're asking for advice about how to handle hanging out with him when you already made up your mind that you're not going to. If you don't have consistent intentions then you're not going to get consistent results. Link to comment
raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 you're right...I will have to see some sort of growth on his part for me to even want to get back together. If I find out he still wants this to be some casual thing...it aint gonna happen either Has anything changed between when you broke up and now? It seems to me that there couldn't have been enough time for any meaningful changes in that short a period. Unless he's getting counselling and you are going to try and see how it goes, sort of maintain your distance until you see if changes are likely, whats the point? If he hasn't taken concrete steps to start changing you'll end up right back where you started. Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 He told you: "Ok, I had said it probably wasn't the best idea for us to hang out right now." That means he isn't looking for more than FWB. He wants to hang out with you this weekend for FWB. If it was anything else, you can be sure he would have let you know. Good luck. Link to comment
raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 deleted by me... Link to comment
raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 do you think I should ask him straight up why he wants to hang out? Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 do you think I should ask him straight up why he wants to hang out? Yes. Or better yet, put all your cards on the table. Tell him you're not interested in FWB OR friendship (assuming that's the case) with him, that you would consider another go as a couple but you don't want to be led on, that it's put up or shut up time. Why drag this out any further? Link to comment
raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Yes. Or better yet, put all your cards on the table. Tell him you're not interested in FWB OR friendship (assuming that's the case) with him, that you would consider another go as a couple but you don't want to be led on, that it's put up or shut up time. Why drag this out any further? I'll probably wait a day or so, maybe, and then just ask him why he wants to hang out...as I had already told him I was not here to be a F Buddy, or whatever. lol Link to comment
Mesemene Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I agree - I'd tell him that he had said it probably wasn't a good idea, and yet is asking about hanging out again, and these kind of mixed signals aren't helping you heal from the breakup, or helping your emotional stability you need to stay clean. Link to comment
raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 It's hard because you don't want to scare people away by being super upfront and pressuring them about their intentions...but at the same time, I don't want to get into anything that's just going to cause me more confusion and hurt. I mean, he could also be feeling me out as well...neither one of us may be sure about wanting to try again and this could be a bit of a dating type thing. I really don't think people should just immediately jump back into a relationship...however, if he is still looking to see other people he can take a giant hike! Link to comment
raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 I agree - I'd tell him that he had said it probably wasn't a good idea, and yet is asking about hanging out again, and these kind of mixed signals aren't helping you heal from the breakup, or helping your emotional stability you need to stay clean. haha, you saw my post before I deleted it...I was debating about whether I should put out the drug addcition thing on the internet...but oh well. Yes, staying off the pills is priority (and my kids) right now. Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 haha, you saw my post before I deleted it...I was debating about whether I should put out the drug addcition thing on the internet...but oh well. Yes, staying off the pills is priority (and my kids) right now. Oh, there's a WHOLE lot worse out there than an addiction Link to comment
Mesemene Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 It's hard because you don't want to scare people away by being super upfront and pressuring them about their intentions...but at the same time, I don't want to get into anything that's just going to cause me more confusion and hurt. I understand. At the same time, it's a lot more positive if he says something like "I really want to work on us, but I'm not sure I've resolved my own issues yet. Are you willing to give me a few more weeks to finish some more therapy sessions?" for example. That's a far cry from "let's hang, and see what happens." Link to comment
raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Oh, there's a WHOLE lot worse out there than an addiction true Im not ashamed of it but...yes, the two of us needing to get our crap together was a big reason for the split and it was actually beneficial. It was difficult but I have learned alot during this BU about what its gonna take for me to stay clean, esp considering the night he dumped me I went out and relapsed. I fully understand that we were both in a bad place before the break up and this is why I would be willing to take him back (if he's in as good of a place as I, or at least close to) Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 It's hard because you don't want to scare people away by being super upfront and pressuring them about their intentions...but at the same time, I don't want to get into anything that's just going to cause me more confusion and hurt. I mean, he could also be feeling me out as well...neither one of us may be sure about wanting to try again and this could be a bit of a dating type thing. I really don't think people should just immediately jump back into a relationship...however, if he is still looking to see other people he can take a giant hike! Learning to set boundaries is an important part of both recovery and maintaining healthy relationships. Getting the hang of it isn't easy. Once you learn how, you will get more respect from other people and will have more respect for yourself as well. Link to comment
raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Learning to set boundaries is an important part of both recovery and maintaining healthy relationships. Getting the hang of it isn't easy. Once you learn how, you will get more respect from other people and will have more respect for yourself as well. good point This guy's not a jerk. I could be wrong, but I doubt he's still pushing for some FWB thing after I just sat there and told him 2 or 3 weeks ago I wasn't down for it and wasn't going to hang out in that capacity. He's a very caring person. I got the feeling before that he was missing me but just wasn't quite ready, or sure what to do with this whole thing. Recovery isn't an easy process and I think that's made this whole situation more difficult for both of us, as far as figuring out what we really want and what's best. Link to comment
raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 The recovery Gods say not to date for a whole year after getting clean...but it's a fine line because we had already been together for almost 3 years. Our relationship never started out as a drug thing, it all happened after I had a work injury and just spiraled out of control. I will be talking to my sponsor about this as well, and she knows my ex quite well too. Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Even good people overstep your boundaries---if you let them. Protecting YOU is your responsibility. I'm sure he does miss you, but is making HIM feel better your primary goal? Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 'Any plans this weekend?' isn't asking you out on a date... it's more like 'if you don't have anything better to do let's hang out', which is more of a friendly overture or a FWB overture. My response to 'Any plans this weekend' would be, 'Would you like to make some with me?' In other words, make him tell you what he wants to do and to plan for a date. Otherwise you're in that nebulous post-breakup FWB hell that can happen, where you get called whenever he's lonely or horny, but he's not serious about dating you and wants to drop in and out of your life at will, but never go farther than FWB. btw, I had a guy after me for YEARS who wanted me in his life as FWB, and i'd repeatedly tell him I don't do FWB, but he'd still make a run at me again and again trying to sneak his way into that kind of relationship. Whenever he make that kind of casual approach, i'd respond with, oh, would you like to go on a date? And i refused to see him anytime he wouldn't make concrete plans in advance. We did this ridiculous dance for years that i only played with because i was curious to see how long he'd still try to lure me into FWB... he never gave up (still hasn't) and I still won't agree to it either... He now only pops up about once a year like a gopher out of a hole, and i remind him i don't do FWB and he scurries off again hoping i'll have amnesia about that the next time he calls me. So just because he makes another run at you doesn't mean he wants more than FWB. If he's still approaching you in a really casual way and not setting up date in advance and letting you know he is dating you (and no other people), then he's just using you as a fill in until someone else comes along or else he is only interested in a FWB situation and not in any kind of real relationship/romance. Link to comment
raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Hmmm...advice taken...I suppose I really should make him be upfront about why he's wanting to hang out before this goes anywhere further... Link to comment
raton44 Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Even good people overstep your boundaries---if you let them. Protecting YOU is your responsibility. I'm sure he does miss you, but is making HIM feel better your primary goal? Making MYSELF feel better is my goal. I just don't know what the hell he wants! lol. I don't care if he's missing me if he still only wants a back up plan Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Making MYSELF feel better is my goal. I just don't know what the hell he wants! lol. I don't care if he's missing me if he still only wants a back up plan Do as lavenderdove suggested then. Ask him if it's a date. Link to comment
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