When does the 'fog' start to lift??

[starrysky]

Hi guys,

 

Haven't posted here in a while but find I am in need of great support atm.

 

Long story short: I was very much in love with my boyfriend of 3 years, and I believed he was very much in love with me. Just over 2 months ago he decided to end it and I was gobsmacked. We had a some difficulties towards the end but it was not major and i thought we would work through it like we always did. We talked about the future a lot and I believed i was going to marry this person. As you all know, there are no words to describe the utter devastation and shock - I was feeling suicidal and still am a lot of the time. After the breakup I begged him for a week before i withdrew. There has been NC from either party since, but this was not initiated.

 

Having said that, I did what i could for myself. I continued my hobbies, kept up the gym classes and joined a new class in order to meet people. I have just finished university and am currently unemployed and living at home, which as you can imagine is adding to the stress of this awful time. I have also suffered on-off depression for several years now.

 

Anyway, coming to the point....I realize my breakup was a relatively short time ago and I am hurting alot. But life has taken on such a surreal quality, especially in the past week, and I feel like I am bound to wake up from this nightmare at any minute - that the life i'm leading isn't really my own. I'm simply going through the motions everyday and not feeling enjoyment. The only way to really describe it is like a horrible dream and there is like a fog between my eyes, or as though I am watching a movie of my life and I'm not really in it. I cannot see any way out, and I cannot see ever being in a relationship again. I am trying to work on my self-esteem (because i have zero!) in order to become more positive about myself and the future. But can anyone share their experiences of feeling like this, like their life is just too surreal? And can anyone tell me when this 'fog' will lift? Does it ever? How long did it take to see a future? etc.

 

I realize not everyone is the same, but please give me some hope for the future! I cannot stand feeling like this and don't know how much more I can take. I appreciate any help very much!

 

Thanks, and I hope this post made sense...

[DerekJason]

for me personally, the first 4 mths i only saw little progress, and that was on a weekly basis. now im at 4.5 mths, and its picking up quicker. starting to not give a flying rats a$$ about the sitch. admittedly, i'd still be open for talks of recon.

[Springs]

Hey starrysky...all I can say is I'm sorry you're feeling this way..and it is totally normal. The 'fog' has lifted for me and I honestly think it is just time and NC. You spend 3 years with someone, they're there everyday and then all of a sudden they're gone. You're lost, confused..you feel it can't be real. It's all normal. I posted a while ago about feeling little 'shocks' throughout the day. Like if I was at work and busy for half an hour, then finish one task, it would hit me like lead...and it was so unbelievable that he was gone it made me feel this couldn't be my life. It wasn't supposed to be this way. The thing is, you don't want to think about such things as someone you love being gone, so when it happens, it really is a shock to the system. I understand.

 

Time will help. I know it's crap to hear that...I am still in a lot of pain but I don't feel 'shocked' anymore. It will clear and you will gain some clarity. Keep busy and see friends. I hope you're ok x

[lemsip]

Awww Starry so sorry to hear you're still fighting your way through the fog: yes, I'm sure we all can relate; it's right between your eyes, everything seems weird, like you're almost not even in your body, detached from the world. As you know these are signs of depression, and they intensify after a breakup for a long, long time, coming and going, coming and going. The fact you are also prone to depression doesn't help.

 

The fog does lift, it took mine nearly four months though: and I still have dark days. But the very fact that you continued your hobbies, kept up the gym classes and joined a new class is testament to the fact that you are doing better than you think. There are people who literally can't get out of bed, need hospitalised or take drastic measures due to depression. You have not, and you will not, do any of these things.

 

You're suffering, and you may have to suffer a wee bit longer, but the fog will lift. I had a real bad dose of it yesterday after hearing from my ex, everything seemed hazy. But I'm better today. There will come a time too when you have as many good days as you do bad.

 

Living at home sucks. I do too again, and I'm 30. But it's only short term, for both of us. Did you graduate? Have you finished university? It may seem like you have nothing to look forward to but have you ever travelled? Lying on a beach in Thailand with crystal clear waters, walking through the back streets of Kyoto in Japan... the world belongs to you and you can do anything you want to. Believe in yourself the way everyone else does. You are loved, and you'll get through this.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i was with my ex for 3.5 years and I think it really took me about 6-8 months before i saw the light again and thought i would be okay. i dont even remember the first 3-4 months after my breakup because i was so depressed. its still really early in your breakup, just keep pushing forward

[thelastsong]

I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago at about 5 months post break up, and for the past few days, I can honestly say I feel a lot better. No anger, no sadness, no pain... just indifference. It helps to not dwell on the past or obsess over the relationship or whether or not your ex is missing you, etc. I still don't see myself being in a relationship again anytime soon, but this is the best I've felt in a very, very long time. NC helps tremendously, of course, so try not to break it. Make yourself busy. I know it's hard to concentrate on anything right now, but find something that is so novel and fascinating that it takes your mind off everything. Then fill your schedule with it.

[ParisPaulette]

Hi starrysky,

 

You're still pretty fresh from the breakup, so it's natural to still be in the "fog" stage at this point. For me the fog began to lift after four months, during which time I was sort of a zombie who forced myself to enjoy all of the summer plans alone that we'd originally made together. By five months I was probably 80 percent over it, and now six months later when he suddenly wants to talk to me I have zero interest in him or starting up the drama that was us again. We'd broken up and reconciled a number of times until this last time he again broke off the relationship and I finally was just done with it for good. I know it's tough, but all of the things you described that you're doing will help so keep doing them. Sometimes you have to go through the motions and fake it until you make it. You will get there. And stay NC and don't even allow anyone to talk to you about what he's doing--out of sight really does become out of mind after awhile and that helps too.l

 

As thelastsong says try to find something new that takes up alot of your time and energy and interest too. Something somewhat challenging that takes some serious focus and doesn't leave much room for other thoughts helps alot. I took up Chinese brush painting and I found it really hard to be obsessing about the X while trying to master a brush stroke and mixing color.

[starrysky]

Thank you so much guys for the responses, it means so much at this dark time.

 

Springs how long did it take for the fog to lift in your case? Even to hear people say this is normal is somewhat comforting, because I honestly feel like I am losing my mind. My emotions literally change by the minute, and i am emotionally exhausted. It is unbelievable to me that this has happened. My life does not seem real and yet the hurt is stabbing and so very real. I can't make sense of it all. To be honest I never thought I would make it 2 months down the line, I thought the pain would have killed me by now! All I can say is I have been trying my best, but the surreal-ness of it all is nauseating and makes things very difficult.

 

Lemsip- thank you for your continued support on here. Is it 4 months since the end of your relationship or longer? You have described exactly how i feel - i'm utterly detached from everything and feel so alone. It is like I said just nauseating. Does that make sense? I finished university around the time of the break-up (in fact he broke it off a week before my thesis was due, something else i can't get over). I haven't graduated yet (will be december, don't even know if i will attend) but spend my days applying and searching for jobs, which I find is a difficult and tiring thing to do at the best of times. And in the current climate i am not being terribly successful. Here's the thing about travel; I have always wanted to, i simply don't have the confidence, and although thinking about being somewhere else and having adventures is somewhat exciting, it also causes me massive anxiety I can't really explain why, but i think its my brain telling me that i won't be able to cope, that I will be homesick and that I will get very depressed - probably a symptom of my depression itself. There is somewhere I would like to travel to for a few months next year, but of course this all requires money, which brings it all back to the job situation.... I do feel hopeless

 

milk- I will try my best to keep pushing forward, but 6-8 months seems like an eternity to me! I feel like I have lived through an eternity of this heartbreak already. Having said that it is good to hear that things do eventually get better (even though i don't believe what i just wrote there..)

 

lastsong- I will try my best not to break NC. It is tempting at times to make contact, but honestly i wouldn't even know how to attempt to start a conversation! I have written a list of things to do when the urge comes over me, and then it usually passes. I am trying not to obsess over the relationship, but it is hard not to think about it when to me it seems there was no real reason for the breakup. I know you said 'keep yourself busy', but is thinking about the relationship not an integral part of healing? (or so i have read). I don't want to keep so busy that all these emotions will come back to bite me in future.

 

eughhh I'm just exhausted guys! Really feel like i'm having a major out of body experience and its the worst thing ever!

[starrysky]

Thank you Paris - its soooo good to hear from each person here that the fog will eventually lift. And you hit the nail on the head with your description; I am like a walking zombie! Even smiling is a massive effort. In fact I can't even remember the last time I did so. That's amazing that you had the confidence and strength to walk away after he came back looking for reconciliation. Thats a place i'd definitely like to be. I do want to stay NC, and I definitely don't want to hear from anyone how he is doing, it would probably just rub salt into the wound. I know I couldn't handle it.

 

Chinese brush painting sounds awesome! I have so many interests and should probably use this time to focus my attention on something i've always said i get around to. But I do find that gym classes help me give my mind a brief but much needed rest. It is hard to obsess about the ex when you're busting out some stellar dance moves! I guess I just have to keep it up.

[thelastsong]

There's really a key difference between thinking about the relationship and ruminating. Maybe tell yourself, "Okay, I'm going to be upset for the next twenty minutes, but that's it. Then I'm going to go do something." Laying in bed all day obsessing about everything won't help, but you're right. You do need to address your emotions, but you can't let them take over your life.

[quirky]

Hi starrysky, I feel for what you are going through. As the others say it does take a while for hope to shine again, I am a terrible example cos it took me a long time (but had contact occasionally that was setting me back).

From the experience I learned something that may be of use to you. How quickly you get over it depends a lot on how much you love drama and whether you GENUINELY want to be happy for yourself. It was hard for me too then because I wasn't working much. Now that I am working it's easier. Would you like to volunteer somewhere so you stay busy?

[PatriotCPM]

Starrysky, I have been EXACTLY where you are, and I still feel it a lot. I wish I could say it has completely gone away but it has been 10 months for me and I still hurt badly occasionally. It doesn't help that I have to see my ex and the guy she cheated on me with every day, and I know that is a major barrier to my healing, but it has gotten a LITTLE bit better. I can actually see her and even greet her without feeling like someone socked me in the chest. But the way you described how you feel strikes a chord with me. I know the feeling of just going through the motions, like you're in a dream watching yourself go about your day, joyless. There are very few things these days that bring a genuine smile to my face, and thank god for my job and my friends. I don't know what I would do under different circumstances. What helped me get through the depths of despair was getting out into the sunshine, talking to my family and trying to spend time in large groups of friends, and excelling at my job. It also helped somewhat to come on here and see that I wasn't alone. It didn't make me feel good that other people are suffering like I am and I wish this pain on no one, not even my ex, but to know I am not alone is at least a little comforting.

 

I'm legitimately scared that I will never be able to feel the same about anyone as I did about her. 10 months later and I'm still nowhere near ready for a relationship with anybody else (not that I have many prospects living where I do, but thats another story...). I just keep on trucking and the one the one ray of hope shining through the clouds is the thought that maybe there is someone out there that will make me the happiest man in the world, and that I can make the happiest girl in the world. That thought honestly keeps me going sometimes.

 

Hang in there. If you want to talk anytime, don't hesitate to PM me.

[Mustachio]

I think everyone has given you some pretty good advice so far.\

 

But I will add simply this. It will pass before you even realize it. You will look back one day and wonder how you got to where you are. And yes it may take a while. But it will be sooner than you think.

[northpickle]

Hi starrysky

 

I'm also 2 months after the break-up, my healing has been a bit up and down (I have seen him a few times since, I had some false hope of working things out but I'm pretty sure he just wants to be friends and I want more, so I'm in NC once again).

 

Anyway, I'm still a bit down but I understand exactly what you mean by "the fog". I do feel like I'm just going through the motions of everyday life and not living it. I'm eating because I have to, not because I want to or that I'm going to enjoy it. That type of thing.

 

But I do believe it will get better, for you too. You are still living your life and although things might seem a bit numb, your enjoyment will come back. It's hard to work on your self-esteem when you've just been rejected, I'm trying to do the same thing and it's so difficult. But each little step is a step in the right direction.

 

I wish you all the best

[MarnDark]

Well, it's been a bit over 2 months since my BU and I can honestly say that the "fog" is starting to clear for me right now.

 

The mornings don't feel empty and lonely anymore. My trick has been really just keeping myself busy and very very social. I've gotten back in touch with old friends and really just find myself communicating with people at most times of the day. I've done the usual post-BU activities such as eating better, going to the gym, and seeing a counselor.

 

I really don't think about her that often. Don't get me wrong, if I really sit, think and devote my time to imagining what she is doing with the new guy then I could face serious sadness still but I just don't let it get to that level.

 

Yeah, I can say that these days are much much better than even only a month ago. It just takes time.

[Ms Darcy]

I am curious as to how your depression impacted your relationship?

[starrysky]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I am really grateful for the advice and even just hearing that I am not alone in feeling like this is comforting. Sometimes it feels like you really are the only one experiencing heartbreak and posting on here helps give me a little perspective.

 

lastsong- I know you are right that ruminating is a very dangerous thing, i guess the key is finding the right balance between working through the relationship in your head and trying to move forward. Thank you for your advice.

 

quirky- I have thought about volunteering and I suppose it would be a good idea until i get a job. I have tried to keep myself occupied these past two months, but I don't want to keep myself so busy that I don't work through this heartbreak. Last week I realized I was spending too much time with someone familiar (someone i'm not even sure i would choose as a friend, its simply because its something that I know), and not giving myself a chance to really grieve. This is probably why I feel so down this week and so surreal. I will definitely look into volunteering.

 

patriot- thank you so much for sharing your story. It scares me that your still hurting badly after sometimes after ten months but I guess this is going to take a long time....Can I ask, do you think you would have healed faster/been in a better place now, if you hadn't had to see your ex on a daily basis? A stupid question because how can you possibly know i guess. Has it taken 10 months for the fog to lift in your case?

 

mustachio- yes I am so grateful for all this advice and sharing of experiences. And i like what you said, i do try to tell myself that sometimes. I think of an terrible event that happened years ago and realize how small it is now, and sometimes that keeps me going.

 

northpickle- I am so sorry to hear you are in a similar situation right now, but you sound so positive! Its good to know that we are by no means alone and even to just hear someone else is in the same place right now is of great comfort. Can I ask how you are working on your self-esteem? It is definitely not easy when your mind is all clouded up and you feel like your in a dream...

 

marndark- Thats so great that the fog is starting to clear for you already after just two months. Definitely gives me hope! I guess the time it takes is just so unique to each individual, but ultimately I have to remember that it will clear. Can i ask how long your relationship lasted?

 

ms darcy- thats a really tough question to answer, because when you are depressed you see your negative thoughts and actions as being a normal way to view the world even though they are not. I guess all I can say is that I don't feel he truly understood my depression and that frustrated me greatly at times. Looking back now, I don't know why it was such a big issue, because i know i probably would not understand what depression was like if i had never suffered from it. There were times through the relationship when I felt really bad, and despite him giving me hugs or trying to comfort me, I never felt it was 'enough'. I think I was frustrated because as my partner I simply wanted him to take all the bad feeling away and make it better. Obviously he couldn't do that, no one can, but it lead to frustration on my part. It's easy to see that now, but when you are feeling really, really bad you can get annoyed over the smallest of things because you think there's nothing good in your life. I guess those are the main things, that he never really understood and that whatever he did wasn't enough for me. Im sure there were other more subtle ways it affected the relationship but i can't really think of them right now.

[psycho magnet]

I've been in around 10 relationships, and only after 3 of them did I feel like you feel. Each time it's been the same. It begins with me cursing the unfairness of the universe. How could this world be set up in such a way that my deepest, most emotionally intimate desire for my former partner can't be satisfied? How can life be so unjust? How can we truly be done? I feel this way despite the fact that in each of these 3 cases I have known intellectually that the relationship needed to end.

 

Each day after the breakup it gets a little better, but even on the days when I think I'm closer to recovery I wake up the next morning and it hits me, and I'm back to square one. It sucks. As so many have said in these forums, there's really nothing else that heals like time and physical distance. Even if you try what people tend to recommend--hanging out with friends, doing new things, dating, indulging yourself, starting up a new hobby, etc.--none of it is really going to help. That's the sad truth. You may forget about your ex for a couple of hours while you're drunk with your friends, but the negative thoughts will rush in eventually. There's nothing to do but wait until your system has fully processed and surpassed the addiction.

 

Since my recent breakup, for example, I've traveled, had a one night stand, taken yoga classes, made new friends, and I even have a date tonight with a smart, attractive girl who I had the balls to ask out only as a result of the breakup--and yet I still feel empty inside. Despite my contribution to the breakup (I admit I did some mean things), I can't stop feeling betrayed and I can't stop picturing my ex jumping into the arms of her new asshat of a boyfriend instead of mine.

 

What has helped me a little is looking back to my two previous significant relationships. In both cases I careened along the rusty planks of the same emotional rollercoaster. In both cases I cursed the unfairness of the world. But when I look back, I would never ever want to be back in those relationships. It depresses me to even think about. While these two girls were once people I loved immensely and wanted to be with forever, now they mean about as much to me as Paris Hilton's chihauhau. This is because I have grown so much intellectually and emotionally since that time. Going back would be like repeating the 5th grade as a high school student.

 

I don't yet feel that way about my recent ex, obviously, but I will. And so will you. That's really what a breakup is about: growth. Without a deep wound, you can't grow into the person who will look at your last relationship as it actually was: a stepping stone.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you have some good insight on the relationship.

 

I can see things from his perspective a little. I was in a relationship with someone with depression for two years. Even thinking about it drains me. What you say, about feeling like I could never undersand and what I did was never enough, is spot on. For me, I know myself and know I cannot be with someone who is depressed again. Bad or good, right or wrong, it seeped away my joy. I don't know how he feels, but I wanted to share that with you. It means to me he was a good guy who tried his hardest but just couldn't do it.

[starrysky]

I think you have some good insight on the relationship.

 

I can see things from his perspective a little. I was in a relationship with someone with depression for two years. Even thinking about it drains me. What you say, about feeling like I could never undersand and what I did was never enough, is spot on. For me, I know myself and know I cannot be with someone who is depressed again. Bad or good, right or wrong, it seeped away my joy. I don't know how he feels, but I wanted to share that with you. It means to me he was a good guy who tried his hardest but just couldn't do it.

 

I understand what you are saying, even though hearing it from someone else is very difficult. It has made me quite sad, because it leaves me with alot of 'what ifs' or 'if only i had.....'. However, like attracts like and I believe he was not without his share of problems. I was not continually depressed throughout the whole time we were together and there were countless good memories. He was a good guy but he was not perfect and a lot of things he did during that time genuinely hurt me and the relationship was not helped (in fact probably doomed) from the fact that his mother took an intense dislike to me and tried to persuade her son likewise. So who knows what happened at the end. Admittedly i would be open for reconciliation but at the same time I'm not sure that I could be in another relationship where I was not welcome in the family home, or invited to family events.

 

I do however understand that being with a depressed person is very draining for I was once in the same situation in my previous relationship. It was the time when I myself really became depressed, even though i now believe i suffered short bouts during my teenage years. However, if my ex truly had loved me then I don't think he would have been able to walk away simply because of my depression (which i have constantly had professional help for).

[northpickle]

northpickle- I am so sorry to hear you are in a similar situation right now, but you sound so positive! Its good to know that we are by no means alone and even to just hear someone else is in the same place right now is of great comfort. Can I ask how you are working on your self-esteem? It is definitely not easy when your mind is all clouded up and you feel like your in a dream...

 

Hey there No, it's not easy at all, I'm just using positive thinking I suppose, I have a lot of things in my life that I'm very grateful for and trying to focus on that. The break-up has knocked the stuffing out of me, to be honest. I'm going out and doing things when I'd rather being doing stuff with the ex, if you see what I mean. Things still seem a bit empty, he completely lit up my world. But he only wants to be a friend now and that's not what I want. That's how I'm viewing things now and it would help you too. It's not natural for me but this is what I have to change about myself. Putting ME first. I wish you all the best and we will get there one day soon

[starrysky]

Ldawg- thank you so much for your response. I found that your words have given me some hope so thank you! I know that I would never want to be back in my previous relationships, and even thinking about them just makes me go 'WHY????!!'. I hope that time will do the same for me in this case, logically it will, but it's very hard to see logically right now as i'm sure you know. I am just scared because I have never experienced heartbreak before. Yes i've been hurt, yes i've ended relationships but I always knew I was about to enter a new one so i never had a chance to grieve the loss of a relationship despite not being interested anymore. This is without doubt the hardest thing i have ever had to face.

 

northpickle- I know what you mean about it not being natural. Trying to put myself first feels selfish and very strange but I suppose it is something I really need to do. I gave too much of myself away in my relationship and kept nothing for myself. I am glad you are learning to put yourself first and be grateful for the things you have. Learning not to take things for granted is a lot of work! I take it then you refused to be friends with him?

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I don't know how depression changed the dynamic of your relationship. I am very glad, though, that you recognize some fundamental problems in the relationship. Yes, you deserve to be welcomed at family events. I found that one of the best things to help me move forward from past relationships is thinking about what I would want in a future one.

[northpickle]

northpickle- I know what you mean about it not being natural. Trying to put myself first feels selfish and very strange but I suppose it is something I really need to do. I gave too much of myself away in my relationship and kept nothing for myself. I am glad you are learning to put yourself first and be grateful for the things you have. Learning not to take things for granted is a lot of work! I take it then you refused to be friends with him?

 

Yeah, we met up a few times (initiated by him) and we hung out and had a great time, but it wasn't the same, he was no longer being affectionate physically and I told him last week that I couldn't "just" be a friend to him. He got upset and ran off It wasn't nice and I do still feel a bit bad about it. But it wasn't working for me.

 

But yes, you have to put yourself first and that's what is important.

[Notagoodninja]

I feel the same, girl, so don't feel weird

You can read my posts if you want, but I had to leave my Husband and get a divorce because he was a sociopath, a womanizer and he abused me physically.

But it's sad, much like your typical abused wife, I would go running back to him thinking he would change. Of course, he didn't.

So anyway I had to leave but every day is hard For the first 2 weeks I had to not even go to work, I kept crying and was sooooooooo miserable. I decided I can't kill myself cause I'd prob go to hell, so I'd take up reckless activities in the hopes I'd die (lol)

But it's week 3 now, and getting slowly better. I finally want to live (yay)

 

Here are some things that help me so far...

1) having one good friend (a girl) to talk to and vent to that will listen to you. If not, come on this board and make friends

2) Keeping your vow to have NO CONTACT AT ALL (in other words, you don't talk to him call him text him nor do you talk to ANY of his friends, not his parents not his best friends or relatives not his co-workers. NO CONTACT!

3) I had my first counseling session a couple weeks ago and scheduled it for once a week I am hoping a therapist can help me since he abused me.

4) Also it will help you to NOT do the things you did TOGETHER. Like my DH and I would watch certain tv series together (dexter etc) now I am avoiding those like the plague. I can go buy the dvds when they come out on blue ray one day when I'm emotionally healed.

5) Focus on who YOU are. We lose our identity in the other person esp if we love them more than they loved us.

6) Even though it KILLED ME I FORCED myself to do my hair and makeup and go downtown with the girls. Even though I felt like jumping off a cliff, it made me feel better to be surrounded by tons of people even getting some compliments, some guys tried to flirt and I was too heavy hearted to give a rats @$$ but at least I felt a little better.

7) Crazy maybe, but I do not recommend jumping into a rebound. Sometimes jumping into another relationship gives you a great high feeling for a very little time, but the come down lasts much longer!