AnnaN Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I broke up with my bf after 4 years, because of G.I.G.S. He said he loves me, is in love with me etc but his life sucks at the moment, job, career, family and wants to be alone with no reltionship. I've read some articles and also the Magic Of Making Up, fortunately I haven't done any mistake they refer to, like begging, crying etc, I accepted calmly his decision. It's been 5 days since the bu and there is NC since then. Reading all this stuff, I realized they focus on the healing process and not getting him back. I want to get him back, or at least try to, I won't be able to move on if I know that I just let it go without trying. It is a part of the healing process for me. So, what should I do? Not in order to move on more quickly and stop thinking of him but in order to actually get him back. I fear that the NC will distance us more and then I won't be able to do anything. Focusing on getting him back and only, regardless the negative impact on me, what is the best to do?Thank you! Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 He's told you he wants to be alone - respect that. Don't focus on getting him back, in fact forget that idea because it's not what he wants. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I'm a little confused. Did you break you with him or he break up with you? Regardless, you can try anything you want to try. No contact, Limited contact, No Intiatiated contact. You can try calling him and telling hiim you made a mistake and that you've realised how much you love him. You can respect his wishes, leave him alone and see what happens. It's all luck and feel at this stage and you know him and your situation better than anyone else. So try what you feel would be best. You are the one that will have to live with it the end of the day. I'm not saying that to be mean, it's just that no one has the answer to how to get someone back. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 There is absolutely nothing you can do to "get him back". He either wants to come back or he doesn't. It's not up to you. And you can't "make" him do anything. So -- what you can do....accept it and move on. Link to comment
hodgeheg Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 There isn't a magic answer to this question that I know of, sorry. Like Eocsor says, you can try any of those things but there is no guarantee that they'll bring him back. I am sorry for your pain, I really am. But I think that there is nothing you can do. Only he can change his mind. I know right now that he is the only thing you want, but you 100% deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and it looks like he doesn't. If you were to get back together right now, how would you forgive him and trust him again when you haven't had the chance to heal from the hurt he has caused? Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 He broke up with me. I know him, he won't do anything if he regrets it, he said that he will probably regret it but it was his decison and he will live with his mistake. It wasn't him it's the time in his life he wants to be alone. I will respect that, I told him. But I just want to know if he decided under some kind of pressure and he calms down and think and miss me so that will be the time of trying. What would work if there is a little chance to be together again? Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Read the replies. Nothing will work unless he wants it to...and is sounds like his mind is made up. He is not ready, willing or able to be in a relationship. And for the record, the more you "try", the farther he will run. Link to comment
hodgeheg Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I know him, he won't do anything if he regrets it, he said that he will probably regret it but it was his decison and he will live with his mistake. Please listen to me, I felt like this a few weeks ago. I told myself that my ex is not the type of person to do anything, even if he regrets his decison. But, if he really does regret his decision and does not reach out then he is not worthy of you. You deserve someone who is willing to put effort in to a relationship. If he would not even make the effort if he was crippled with regret over leaving you then he does not deserve you! You have to know that you deserve to be loved, you deserve the best! Personally, no contact has helped me to heal already, I really recommend it. Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Read the replies. Nothing will work unless he wants it to...and is sounds like his mind is made up. He is not ready, willing or able to be in a relationship. And for the record, the more you "try", the farther he will run. Very true. Let him be Link to comment
bulletproof Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Focusing on getting him back and only, regardless the negative impact on me, what is the best to do?Thank you! Regardless of the negative impact on you? You should probably sit down and think about why you would care so little about yourself. This is a time that you need to do only positive things for yourself. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 The point is that what I want is to try get him back. This is the first step in order to begin the healing, not the NC. I can't do the NC for myself, if I do it it will be as a mean to be with him again through thinking or perhaps realising his mistakes. But I don't want to risk it and lose for good. I may already have, but I want to try one single time and that's it! I'll never contact him again. Any suggestions? As I said I don't mind feeling worse after doing that, and this is the reason I want to do it now before I start healing. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I broke up with my bf after 4 years, because of G.I.G.S. This is confusing, I'm reading this as you broke up with him, and someone else may have been in the picture? Can you clarify? Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 there is not anything you can do. Period. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 This is confusing, I'm reading this as you broke up with him, and someone else may have been in the picture? Can you clarify? He broke up, my mistake... Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 If someone has told you that they do not want you in their life --- why do you disbelieve them? Why would you want to be with someone who says that they are done with you? Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 If someone has told you that they do not want you in their life --- why do you disbelieve them? Why would you want to be with someone who says that they are done with you? Good point. Likely a result of deep seeded abandonment issues. The human brain often reacts to break-ups the same as a physical injury. Often inducing a desire to stop "pain" by regaining what was lost. It's a hard feeling to overcome, but understanding why we feel as we do is the first step to recovery. In other stages, the brain/body react with withdrawl like symptoms. Just as addicts believe something terrible will happen if they do not have a certain drug, many individuals are convinced that their lives will not continue if their ex does not return to them. This may not be the case here, I'm just pointing out explanations for seemingly desperate behavior. Link to comment
Naomi99 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Anna....my boyfriend (ex) did the same thing because of grass is greener or because he wanted a change in life. He broke up with me. I was miserable and crying and couldn't get out of bed. I initiated NC right straight away, and two days later the phone rang several times. It was him. I didn't answer, as much as I wanted to. He continued leaving messages for about two days until the fourth day he showed up at my doorstep in tears. I accepted a friendship with him because we both couldn't stand to be apart, but we both needed to improve our lives. Anyway, there's a lot more to the story, but really you need to take away your charming sweet personality from him to make him miss you. HE WILL MISS YOU. Believe me, but you have to make yourself scarce or he will never know what he lost. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 I can't think of risking the chance of missing me but he doesn't do anything about it. (because I'm sure he won't). This is why I have the NC in order to make him think. He hasn't cancelled our facebook relationship yet, I know this is not that important, but anyway... It's been 5 days, 2 days until my scheduled broken NC. Any tips or other advise what to tell him in case I call him? I don't plan asking him to meet me or anything like this, just to see how he's doing and his reaction. Link to comment
Milsch Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I can't think of risking the chance of missing me but he doesn't do anything about it. (because I'm sure he won't). This is why I have the NC in order to make him think. He hasn't cancelled our facebook relationship yet, I know this is not that important, but anyway... It's been 5 days, 2 days until my scheduled broken NC. Any tips or other advise what to tell him in case I call him? I don't plan asking him to meet me or anything like this, just to see how he's doing and his reaction. Do you love him? If so, respect his wish for space. Act out of love, not out of your own needs. I'm not saying you give up forever, but giving him space now is very important. Link to comment
ToF Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Contacting him against his wishes would be selfish of you. I understand you are hurting, but this single-minded attitude toward reconciliation isn't going to make anything better for either of you. Think of it this way: If you are trying to get back together with him, why would you deliberately go against something he has asked of you? Show him that you can give him space, and be a whole person without him there to support you. Link to comment
turnera Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Focusing on getting him back and only, regardless the negative impact on me, what is the best to do?Thank you!So, you don't really love him then? If you DID, you would care about HIS feelings, not YOURS, and do what he asks. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 He broke up, my mistake... He broke up with you. He wants space. You cannot force him to be with you. The only thing you can do is give him the space he asked for. If in fact getting him back is the only agenda for you, then you have to leave him alone. Link to comment
Tomuch2hope Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I can't think of risking the chance of missing me but he doesn't do anything about it. (because I'm sure he won't). This is why I have the NC in order to make him think. He hasn't cancelled our facebook relationship yet, I know this is not that important, but anyway... It's been 5 days, 2 days until my scheduled broken NC. Any tips or other advise what to tell him in case I call him? I don't plan asking him to meet me or anything like this, just to see how he's doing and his reaction. Anna, I'm not too long around here but I'm going to throw my hat in the ring! Those your ex know about your scheduled RE: NC ? If he doe's, don't contact him at the end of it. If you feel you really, really, really must contact him wait another few days. All you're been is a safety net for him while he goes off and checks out if the grass is truly greener. Your giving him the idea that if the green isn't as green, then you'll be there for him. If you want him to miss you, then he is going to have to experince what things are like if you suddenly weren't there. How can he experince that if he knows you're waiting in the wings. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 I made the "schedule", we said nothing about NC, what he said is that he cares about me and he wants us to have contact. I decided not to contact him for a while and I wonder if it is a good idea just to call him one week after the event just to ask how he is doing and see (hear anyway) his reaction. Link to comment
Angler Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 what he said is that he cares about me and he wants us to have contact. If that is true he will make contact. Link to comment
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