soporcogitavi Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 The crazy thing with all this, is that I dont think she's ever cheat on me or that she would trade me for him. I just feel like she may have this little thing for him, im not sure how to describe but maybe its like some: hidden attraction or feeling that she's been disregarding. Honestly its hard for me to understand the actions, I dont get it, im a pretty open guy, but I just cant figure his one out, it just doesnt sit well. I know she's happy with and wants to be with me forever, but I think sometimes that she was really attarcted to him and had he not left they would be together. Its like I feel im second best although im not. Its easy to say if you cant trust you shouldnt be with teh person, but tehre's so many other feelings involved, its torturing. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 If you want someone who will never ever be attracted to someone else besides you it's going to be tough to find that person. Just because I am in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that I can't appreciate other people and find them both physically and otherwise attractive. It's only important how I handle those thoughts Link to comment
soporcogitavi Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 If you want someone who will never ever be attracted to someone else besides you it's going to be tough to find that person. Just because I am in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that I can't appreciate other people and find them both physically and otherwise attractive. It's only important how I handle those thoughts I totally agree with this, but she tells me she's not. So I feel almost like im being lied to, because how else can you explain what she's doing. I think thats what's driving me even more crazy. It's like she doesnt realize she has feelings or she's hiding them, because I just find it hard to believe that its jsut curiosity. Ive even asked if shes attracted to him and she's told me no, she said yes he's a good looking guy, but so what, there's lots of good looking guys. And I feel we have an honest relatinship Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I do a million things a day just out of curiosity - not because I have feelings. I watch movies with actors I find attractive - just to relax, not because I have feelings, especially not feelings that are hidden so well, that even I don't know that I have them. As I said earlier it sounds as if you want something to be wrong in the relationship, instead of taking her word/actions that there is nothing to worry about Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Dude, just accept internally that she was checking up on him because she was attracted to him at one point. Quit over-analyzing it. People are human, she did everything you asked her to do and you're STILL trying to find an angle in order to be mad. If you keep this up with her, she's going to start reconsidering her own future with you. Link to comment
soporcogitavi Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 I feel like this is damaging me, I find it hard to concentrate, and even when we talk about other things I have a hard time not relating it to this, or ill typically look into things too much, or take what she say's in a negative light. And the crap thing about this, is that I cant express this too much to her without the fear of pushing her away Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Are you in therapy? OR would you consider therapy? This sounds a bit obsessive and self destructive to me Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Ok, here.... You're not crazy. You have every right to be ticked off by her checking up on this guy she slept with. You're human, too. Now that we have that out of the way, so what? You had a right to be ticked off, you confronted her, she deleted contact from both this guy and his friend. Problem solved. See how this guy wasn't such a big deal to her that she needed to remain in contact with him? See how easily she gave him up for you? Problem solved. But you're still ticked off that she looked him up. So now you need to put your big boy pants on and get over it. Your fiancee has been attracted to other men, and she will be in the future. If you trust her, this won't threaten you. If you don't, it will. Link to comment
soporcogitavi Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Ok, here.... You're not crazy. You have every right to be ticked off by her checking up on this guy she slept with. You're human, too. Now that we have that out of the way, so what? You had a right to be ticked off, you confronted her, she deleted contact from both this guy and his friend. Problem solved. See how this guy wasn't such a big deal to her that she needed to remain in contact with him? See how easily she gave him up for you? Problem solved. But you're still ticked off that she looked him up. So now you need to put your big boy pants on and get over it. Your fiancee has been attracted to other men, and she will be in the future. If you trust her, this won't threaten you. If you don't, it will. She thinks that I was being babyish to even be pissed, she said she doesnt understand how I could even see him as a threat, although she deleted him. And I have no problem with her thinking that other men are attarctive, but being ATTRACTED to another guy you hooked up with while being engaged is a different story. To me Finding someone Attractive and being attracted to someone is much different. Being Attracted in my terms, means having something more for taht persone then just thinking they're hot, or a good person, do I make sense here? Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 No, you are not making much sense with your distinction. Just because I broke up with someone (for whatever reason) also doesn't necessarily lead me to consider that an evil person now or forget that he is attractive - I have just emotionally moved on from that person. Punishing someone for their thoughts is really extreme in my books Link to comment
soporcogitavi Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 No, you are not making much sense with your distinction. Just because I broke up with someone (for whatever reason) also doesn't necessarily lead me to consider that an evil person now or forget that he is attractive - I have just emotionally moved on from that person. Punishing someone for their thoughts is really extreme in my books But at what point can you actually blame this on curiosity, where do you draw the line between curiosity and wanting somethin gmore, or wish that maybe things had turned out different. I just feel like, maybe she thinks she couldve ended up with him had he not moved, but because he lives so far away she knows nothing will ever come of this. It's like I feel she has a crush on him. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 The more you insist on this train of thought, the more you are going to push her into regretting being with you, regardless of potential what-ifs. And what would you do if she'd say: yes I have been wondering for a second what it would have been like to be with him? Would you end the relationship? Then you might as well end it now. Link to comment
soporcogitavi Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 The more you insist on this train of thought, the more you are going to push her into regretting being with you, regardless of potential what-ifs. And what would you do if she'd say: yes I have been wondering for a second what it would have been like to be with him? Would you end the relationship? Then you might as well end it now. Honestly, if she is thinking what it would it be like to be with him, while we're engaged, then yes I would consider it. If he had that sort of effect on her after meeting once, then maybe I have no business being with her. The probelm is that she met him almost a year before we were together, and she was checking him on FB almost 1.5 years after they met, thats obssesive. I have never thought once how it would be like to be with someone else, while I have been with her, because im with her and dont want to be with someone else. I dont need to wonder. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 People are different. That's what makes social interactions so interesting. I have met many, many people throughout my life. If I am totally bored, I might surf the net and fb/google people from my past men/women alike, but that doesn't mean that I have feelings for any of them or want to be with either one of them. Most often it happens that you are bored, you are online. You look at someone's fb page, one memory leads to another and you check on people who you haven't even thought about for years, but just because you were in one of those bored moments. If you think this is a deal breaker for you - then cut the cord and end the relationship Link to comment
soporcogitavi Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Its a deal breaker if is mor ethen just curiosity Do you think I have pushed her away with all this? (I know its a hard question to answer withou seeing the situation) Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 But she already told you it was just curiosity. - You just don't believe her, i.e you are the one with the issue of not trusting her word. Apart from this being a very obscure deal breaker( but hey, to each their own), you not trusting her word is the bigger issue. Either you have a good reason why you don't trust her - or she will resent you if you keep pushing her to prove something that she can't (it's really impossible to prove a negative/ absence of thoughts). According to her actions most people would be convinced that you are more important than anyone else, but it doesn't seem sufficient to calm your insecurities. Link to comment
soporcogitavi Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 what do you mean by: a negative/ absence of thoughts? And I do think I more inportant then anyone else, I just dont want her to feel like she may have missed an opportunity with another person. Do you think my actions have pushed her away? Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 She said that she didn't check up on him because of a what-if, but you don't believe this is possible. How is she supposed to prove to you that she is NOT having thoughts of what-ifs in a convincing manner to you? I don't know your gf, so it's difficult to guess what she may think/feel about this. But if it was me, I'd be entirely disappointed that after having removed these people from fb that my partner would still keep hounding and questioning me about why I had meaningless contact with that person and especially asking me about if this was an 'what-if'. - I just don't have a lot of understanding for insecurity of this kind in my own relationships. Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Do you think my actions have pushed her away? Question: has she shown any indication of being unhappy with you? Do you have any other reason to suspect her dedication to you? Link to comment
soporcogitavi Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Question: has she shown any indication of being unhappy with you? Do you have any other reason to suspect her dedication to you? No she has not, I know that obviously she is frustrated at me acting like this, and understandbly so. She has asked me at what point is it going to stop. Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 She's already asked you that? Then you need to stop. Immediately. No BS. Not one more peep about it. Link to comment
soporcogitavi Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 She's already asked you that? Then you need to stop. Immediately. No BS. Not one more peep about it. You think this is concerning that she asked this? Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 She has asked me at what point is it going to stop. YEs, you should be concerned about this. It indicates that she feels your continued questioning seems unreasonable to her. Link to comment
soporcogitavi Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 YEs, you should be concerned about this. It indicates that she feels your continued questioning seems unreasonable to her. I cant disagree, because I feel that to some degree, my deal with this is unreasonable Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 IF you realize you are being unreasonable - what are you going to do about it? Link to comment
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