soporcogitavi Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 My fiance had a ONS with some guy she met at a club about 7 months before we met, she saw him once, he moved, and they kept in contact, he invited her to come visit, she thought about it but she declined. Nothing came of it. They stopped contact, and they have never spoken or chatted since we've been together. She was friends with him on Facebook, I noticed she checked his facebook updates quite often posted pictures and the profiles of girls he would become freinds with. At one point she checked 4 times in 1.5 weeks. She told me its just facebook it means nothing and sometimes girls compare themselves to other girls, and that she checks not even thinking, just because its their, and its like gossip. My jealousy and insecurity got the better of me and I asked her to delete him and she did (to make me feel better). She also had his friend on facebook, which she kept as a FB friend, but I noticed after she deleted the ONS guy, she was checking his friends facebook updates. I eventually told her that it bothered me that he was there and she also deleted him. (I know that it was extremely understanding of her to do this and im am being insecure). Now, besides the fact that I feel insecure aout this, and that issue definitely lies with me. My question is, does she have a crush on this guy and is she still attracted to him? And could that explain what she's doing on FB. And could that be triggering this insecurity in me. I need to know if you guys think any of this is Justified. Ive heard that sometimes people have "what if's" with people they've encountered, but honestly I would find this very weird if she's still having what if's with a guy she had a ONS with 1.5 years ago (and only saw once). I have asked and she said she never thought of him as a what if. Ive asked her before and she's told me, that she never had feelings for him, that it was convenient for her that he lived far away, and he would never have been her boyfriend, and thyy dont share the same interests, and he lives far away. Although she did tell me he was attractive and he was the most interesting guy she dated/hooked up with when she was single. So do you guys think she has a crush on him or am I looking too much into this? I can understand some curiosity when you see new pics, but I dont understand why she feels intrigued to check the girls he becomes friends with. She claims its just curiosity, there's nothing behind it, and im being a baby. I know that I am insecure about this (please try not to throw me under the bus) I just wouldnt find it fair if she still wondering what couldve been with some guy, while she's with me. Please give me yoru honest thoughts. Thanks It just doesnt sit right with me. She claims its absolutely nothing and im reading way too much into it. But I dont understand why its driving me crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moontiger Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Seeing as she has done everything you have asked, without fighting about it (at least thats what it sounds like) I don't think you have anything to worry about. Now, you have acknowledge that you are being very insecure and I think you need to address that. Think about it, how would you feel if it was HER questioning you and demanding your remove friends from FB? Let me make it clear, I don't think your a bad guy, just if I was dating someone who acting like you are acting towards her it would make me seriously question the relationship. Be careful not to fall into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Either you trust her or your don't. There is really no in between. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soporcogitavi Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 I have homestly never been a jealous or insecure person, I dont know why im having so mucg trouble with this, I cant make any sense of it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mesemene Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Pretty much agree with the tiger here. The issue isn't so much about this one night stand guy - sounds like she was mostly curious there, like people do with high school friends sometimes "hmm, mr I'm-god's-gift is a used car salesman with a bald spot now - hahahaha" or "daaaaamn what happened to string-bean-geek-girl??? She looks like a supermodel now!" A lot of people seem to use FB like the traditional watercooler for gossip like that. And mostly, it's pretty harmless. She didn't have a problem removing him or his friend, so doubt there's any attachment or crushing there. The main issue is WHY did it bother you that she had this guy on FB? Have you had other relationships where it's been an issue? Been around a lot of friends, or a family member who cheated? Usually there's something that makes us feel particularly touchy about things, even if it's not related to us directly - your job is to not let it wreck your relationship. Figure out what's up, and address it, even if it means counseling, and acknowledge to your girl that it's not her, but you don't want to ruin things with her over your insecurities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soporcogitavi Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 my problem is that she is more curious to check this guys updates, that she has met only once, then some other friend, its bizarre. Who cares about what girls he's becoming friends with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 How do you know whose profile she's checking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moontiger Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 ^ Good question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soporcogitavi Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 because i saw it on teh internet history Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I suspect you're not being entirely forthcoming about your reasons for doubting her. Something prompted you to first start checking her history and seeing what she was up to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soporcogitavi Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 i had absolutely no motive to check, i was actually checking to find something else, and I came upon that which prompted me to continue checking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soporcogitavi Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 here's what i feel: i feel that if I came on this forum saying I was cyber stalking an old fling while being engaged you guys would probably tell me that I had something for her, or im crushing on the girl or im attracted. Yet my fiance denies any of this, and it seems that everyone thinks thhis is normal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Ok, so you want to hear that you have every right to be suspicious. Ok, you do. Now what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soporcogitavi Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 what i want to know is opinions, not something thats just going to satisfy me. im just thinking out loud, not sure if its right or not, rational or not Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 But you've been given opinions that clearly did not satisfy you. For what it's worth, I think your fiancee obviously has some sort of interest in this guy, but I think it amounts to little more than him being "that guy" who was fun and exciting and who left before she could really get to know him. I think it's nothing *but* a what-if. I understand why her checking up on him is throwing you off, but she got rid of both his and his friend's profiles because it made you uncomfortable. What more can you really ask for? Do you really think she's trying to spark something with him? Do you really doubt her feelings for you? You can only decide to trust her or not to trust her, and from what I see here, this isn't cause for the latter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soporcogitavi Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 that is what i think, but ive asked her this exact thing, and she's told me multiple times taht he is not a "what if", and that she knew she woudl never see him again and she was fine with that because she didnt want a bf at that time And honestly i cant accept being with someone that has "what if" for some guy she met once, i would rather she just explore it and see if it weorks, then be with me and feel that way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soporcogitavi Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 i just think it would be unfair to me and to herself if she were to feel this about another guy, while we are engaged. Is it crazy to think this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Where are you going with this? You either shrug it off as nothing to worry about, and trust her, or you don't. Those are your only two options. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I'm with you OP - this is totally unacceptable. I'd break up with her and tell he when she's finished checking up on her FWB's and is ready to settle down to call you to see if you're still available. Whatever is motivating her to do this is NOT GOOD for you or your relationship. This is in no way harmless or innocent. This guy isn't a friend - they had sex. No reason she needs to have any contact with him at all whatsoever and the fact that she wants it I think is all you need to know to realize she's not a person ready to commit to marriage. Don't let her or other posters gaslight you - you're not being jealous or insecure. This is not mature relationship behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Even if she was thinking 'what if' - there is nothing wrong with it and has no bearing on how much she respects/loves you. I think about what if's in many different contexts at times: 'what if I had studied x instead of y, what if I had moved there instead of here, what if I had married that guy instead of ...' - doesn't have anything to do with having left over feelings for someone in the past, but being aware how life could have turned out quite differently with each and every decision I ever had to take. If you are so insecure that you can't even stand the thought that your partner is not thinking about you 100% all the time then you shouldn't be in a relationship, but seriously work on your insecurities. Your girlfriend did everything you asked for in order to give you more comfort, but instead of recognizing that she is putting your needs above her own amusement (because that is most likely why she is surfing the net) you just find something else to be insecure about Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soporcogitavi Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 but if he is a waht if that would mean she lied to me, because i asked her if he was a "what if" and she has said no many times Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 but if he is a waht if that would mean she lied to me, because i asked her if he was a "what if" and she has said no many times Yes, I"m telling you - you're in a really bad situation. Best case she lied to you - which is still severe and could be a reason to end the relationship. Worst case, she's still pining and in communication with some guy she's already slept with... Great way to start a marriage, don't you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 But you are not accepting either that she says it's NOT a 'what if' situation. You are already saying that she is lying anyway - she can't do right either way. What do you want actually? To be right that she did something wrong? So that you can blame it on her if the relationships fails rather than to deal with your underlying issues of insecurity? It's unrealistic to expect that your partner (especially the longer you are together) doesn't think of another man in a sexual way, even if only momentarily. People fantasize about other people. - All of that is normal. The important thing is how that person handles/ deals with these thoughts/fantasies. If they stay in their heads and if all of their actions are respecting the real life relationship - where is the problem really? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xyzzzz Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I had a ons with a guy 1 year ago.before i met my bf.he lives in another city. i still think hes attractive. i occassionally comment on his fb activities.i check the girls he becomes friends with,because thry are all pretty and i just wanna see "how pretty this time". there is no what ifs. i wouldnt trade my bf with he if i had the chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tyr72 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 If you don't trust her then why are you still with her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veneratio Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I don't know soper, I guess you and I are on the same page. I know my thinking isn't the only way to think things and were all different, but here's how I interpret it. I know that for me, there would be no other reason for me to check someones facebook that often. I highly doubt anyone else checks someone's facebook that often other than their SOs or or a best/good friend. But thats just me, and maybe im a bit biased cause I don't do facebook. But here's what I've learned..because I've been in a kinda similar situation. If you can't trust someone, you can't trust them. Despite you asking her to delete those people, if she still wants to look, still wants to make something of it..she will. So i'll agree with the other posters on that aspect. You only have two options. Take her word for it..or don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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