8 year relationship over...having such a hard time

[tomp910]

I will keep in short but the gist of the relationship known each other since teenagers we dated 8 years and broke up a few times within those years but always seemed to find ourselves back together.. We shared a lot of great memories together and shese been through everything with me. We broke up about 4 months ago and i was the dumper had a horrible grass is greener syndrome..but tried talking to her about getting back and she said no.....tried writing letter no.....went no contact for about 2 months and then received a text from her to talk to her class..about 2 weeks ago..we spoke a couple sporadic times within those two weeks and the convoys were great ..catching up and talking about whats been going on i loved it...she seemed really excited to talk to me as i was excited to talk to her..we have so much in common and we enjoy the same things...so i was getting my hopes up thinking this might turn around..

so after a brief convo i spilt my guts to her and how I've been feeling about her and how I'm seeing anew girl but it not the same ....well shese dating a new guy and says she totally happy..for about 2-3 months they been dating and she told my bros girlfriend she thinks shese in love with him..not good...she said she thinks we could be really good friends blah blah blah and i was like absolutely not..i told her I'm physically and emotionally attracted to her ....we have so much of our lives invested in each other how? why? would she want to throw that away...any advice or insight or any1 kinda see where this is going? its not helping the healing process the small talk via text.. and she also lives down the street from me that doesn't help either. thanks in advance I'm lost i have no idea what to do..i want her back and would do anything to get her back...

[antigen]

You just gotta lose the whole investment of time idea. Doesn't matter if you're with a person 2 months or 20 years, when it goes bad or feelings change it just doesn't matter how long you've been together and how much "work" you put into the relationship. Most of us are not in our first relationship, by the time we hit the mid point of our lives we've probably been in dozens, point being that it's not about investing, it's about enjoying it while you got it and when it's over, then don't look back and try to find reasons to justify trying to keep it going sort of like an old car that needs a new motor but the frame is falling apart so it's just not worth it.

[Mesemene]

well shese dating a new guy and says she totally happy..for about 2-3 months they been dating and she told my bros girlfriend she thinks shese in love with him..not good...she said she thinks we could be really good friends blah blah blah and i was like absolutely not..i told her I'm physically and emotionally attracted to her ....we have so much of our lives invested in each other how? why? would she want to throw that away...any advice or insight or any1 kinda see where this is going? its not helping the healing process the small talk via text.. and she also lives down the street from me that doesn't help either. thanks in advance I'm lost i have no idea what to do..i want her back and would do anything to get her back...

 

She's not leaving that option open - she's with someone else, and you're definitely not ready to be her mate or guy-pal yet.

 

Right now, the only thing you have any control over is what YOU do. And you need to make it clear to her you're not ready to be friends, you don't feel friendly, and you need your space and time to get over her. I know, you don't want to get over her - but she's not leaving you any other option. Which means no contact - and grabbing the pieces of your life and start piecing them back together, one step at a time.

 

Is the girl you've been seeing aware you're still hung up on your ex, and that this is only a casual relationship for you? If not - you'll want to straighten that out.

 

Then it's time to work on you.

 

Change your environment. Whether it's a room or apartment or a house, move things around, do a little redecorating, put away somewhere safe and non-tempting any blatant reminders like cards, pics, etc.

 

Delete/block contacts. This includes the horror that is Facebook, phone/text numbers, email addys.

 

Set personal goals. They can be tiny - but they have to be yours, and something you will take a degree of personal satisfaction, pleasure, or pride in. I don't care if it's "start walking the dog every night," or "start jogging again at least twice a week," just pick something, and follow through.

 

And watch the way you're treating yourself. Post-breakup is a prime time to neglect our health and well-being, because frankly, we just don't care much about being healthy, or doing the right thing. Heck, we don't care about much of anything. But eating poorly, lack of exercise, and neglect/abuse of ourselves make us MORE depressed, cause insomnia at night, cause fatigue, and wreak havoc with our immune systems - things pretty much guaranteed to make us more miserable.

 

Head up, feet forward. You'll make it through this.

[rosie smith]

You know from my experience just cause your ex is in love with this guy, it does not mean things will work out for them long term, let her go, work on yourself and just see where life takes you.

 

I say this cause I have just come out of a 8 year realtionship, my ex is keeping his rebound relationship secret from everyone he does not know I am the only person who knows about her and if there is one thing I do know from all my ups and down recently that everything happens for a reason, pick yourself up and be happy and you never know your ex might come back to you, don't pin your hopes on that but the sooner you let someone go the better life will be and the more likely there new relationship will fall apart to, holding on never helps. Trust me on this

 

ps I saw my ex again today my family reckons its fait and when I do see him now I am always happy and he is always bitter for me apparently he still has issues with me mmm anyway I know one thing for sure you don't forget about a 8 year realtionship and when he goes home tonight he will be thinking about things and the thought of that alone makes me happy for whatever the future might hold for me good luck with everything

[Deciduous]

we have so much of our lives invested in each other how? why? would she want to throw that away.

 

Hi TomP,

 

I try to be very gentle with the heartbroken...BUTTT...my mouth dropped open as I read the words in quotes above. My blood froze. Isn't that a little rich? You end the relationship then ask "Why she has abandoned you all after you had together?"

 

You say you find this hard to fathom?

 

What no apology, Tomp? No heartfelt spoken regrets? And no understanding as to why you and her may be in this position right now. Have you done any soul searching. Have you learnt anything of value here? Or should your pain and your hurts come above all else.

 

What are you hoping to offer her in the future apart from a hatfull of memories and the sting of a boyfriend who skipped town when boredom set in.

 

Tom. I hate to be so harsh. I hate to be sooo tough. I get that you are in pain.

 

But there is more than one red flag here.

 

a) I get the impression you are not concerned with her best interests or future happiness. Am I wrong? Tell me I'm wrong, because it does not come accross in your post. The feeling I get is, whatever makes you happy not whether you can make her happy in future.

 

b) You seem to have severely under-estimated how much you hurt her.

 

c)You are not prepared to swallow your own anger and resentment that she hasn't immediately returned to you.

 

d) You don't seem to understand why she is so reluctant to trust you.

 

e) She is falling in love with some-one else, as devastating as that is to read in black and white.

 

 

Honey, you are bad bet right now. Are you being honest when say you can't imagine why that is? Really?

 

So where would this relationship go future wise?

 

At the moment you are grieving for the past. You grieve the old relationship and cannot accept it is gone. If you were both to start again, it would be a NEW entirely different relationship. You would have to carveout a path to deal with mistrust. Would you take off once again when GIGS sets in? Hey it happened once brfore? And there is no real sign of genuine soul searching to understand why. So that would be at the top of her emotional agenda surely. As for you, you would have to deal with jealousy. She is with a new guy and has strong feelings for him. How would that work for you in the future?

 

I know!! I know!! Right now all you want is for the pain to stop. But you are not coming from a place of strength right now. You're coming from a place of bewildered desperation. It is not a winning strategy. Right now, you have to let it go. If you can build a friendship down the line then so be it.

 

FOR NOW SHE HAS GIVEN YOU, HER ANSWER...as painful as that is to hear.

 

Deci

[tomp910]

i appreciate all the insight... Deci i see exactly where your coming from and i understand how it looks to you just from the short paragraph..Theres more to the whole story but i can't type that much.. believe me i know the regrets. i did apologize very sincerely..i know where i did wrong maybe thats what hurts the most knowing that the simplest things i failed to do. Her happiness is and was very important to me..i always appreciated everything she did for me..your absolutely right thanks for being so brutally honest literally j\k...but honestly thank you..What do you make of the the contact situation..? She says things like i think about you all the time and believe me i miss you too and she says we can be friends..she just trying to keep me around?

[Deciduous]

She says things like i think about you all the time and believe me i miss you too and she says we can be friends..she just trying to keep me around?

 

Hi Tomp,

 

Thank you for your message. I guess she has not finished healing yet, which isn't surprising given that it was an eight year relationship. I don't think she is mercenarily keeping you around for dark reasons. More that she is gaining relief by keeping in touch. It's great therapy for her, it aids her recovery, but how is this helping you?

 

Deci

[tomp910]

ok..its not helping me at all..at first i thought it was great ya know were making progress talking again..gave me a false sense of hope..I told her listen i can't keep talking to you like this because we both want two different things.

[tomp910]

Just wanted out an update..I saw her this past saturday we had to meet for something she wants me to do for her class...We went over everything and everything seemed good.I was completely nervous didn't really know how to act...It started snowing and she accidentally locked her keys in her trunk..So i gave her a ride home it was nice..I never mentioned anything about out relationship or anything along those lines..We shared some laughs and i enjoyed her company..Im going to see her Friday and I'm curious how to act? She knows how i feel about her

[Mesemene]

Are you both still seeing other people?

[tomp910]

Yeah... Shese more serious with someone then I am..

[Mesemene]

You're not going to like this - but my advice hasn't changed just because she's ok hanging out.

 

She isn't saying anything to you about reconciliation. She's voiced an opinion she's falling in love with her new boyfriend. This puts you firmly in the "friend zone" and even worse, the "emotional bandaid" zone.

 

Casual contact with her as a friend hurts you - or sure will, the first time she casually says something like "oh, I won't be able to call next weekend, Billy and I are going away for a couple days to the shore/mountains/bahamas." This isn't the kind of thing you want to hear from her. She probably thinks keeping in touch with you is making it easier for you, since after all, she doesn't feel you're completely worthless - she's perfectly happy to have you as a friend.

 

But if this isn't what YOU want - you're setting yourself up for a ton of heartbreak.

 

Does your current GF know you're still hung up on your ex, and have been seeing and talking to her?

[tomp910]

Well I'm not with this new girl just talking hung out a few times nothing serious.. But no she doesn't know anything about her.. Yeah I figured that much about what you said.. I need out of the friend zone for maybe one day reconciliation??

[Ms Darcy]

First thing, be upfront with the new girl.

[tomp910]

ok...last minute help...im going to see my ex tomorrow and I'm going to be with her all day...for a presentation to her class..How should I act? need some suggestions any help would be appreciated

[Mesemene]

Focus on being there for the presentation.

 

Be calm, cool, and relaxed in appearance. Don't encourage a lot of social chatter with her. Be polite by all means - just make sure you're the one to break off any quick comments and "have to go talk to X about the presentation, scuse me."

 

You know how people talk about magnetic attraction? For this, you're magnets with the same polarity - if you do bounce together, make sure you bounce away just as fast. Like I said, be civil, be polite, just don't hang on to her words, or follow her around the room talking.

[tomp910]

how would it look if i brought her flowers or brought her one of her favorite lunches?? Soo acting in that way is going to show?

[Mesemene]

how would it look if i brought her flowers or brought her one of her favorite lunches?? Soo acting in that way is going to show?

 

Seriously? She's said she's falling in love with someone else, and you're going to bring her flowers or lunch?

 

Ok, deep breath. Take a step back. Your best friend has just come up to you with this scenario, and this idea - what would you think of it?

 

1) You're setting yourself up to be hurt badly when she doesn't react like in a movie and fall into your arms.

2) You're showing her you don't respect her being in a relationship with someone else.

3) You'd be acting like a doormat. Doormat, meet feet. Not an attractive position. And yeah, it would come accross as begging.

 

I know you were the initial dumper - but while she's moving along, you're still stuck in the same place you were when you realized you didn't want to lose her after all.

[tomp910]

ok yea that was a dumb idea thanks for being so honest..desperation too i guess...by acting how you said should show an attractive , confident me right?

[Mesemene]

Yes - you want to look calm and confident, sociable, and not clinging to her.

[tomp910]

ok sounds good..one last question..how do you handle the goodbye?

[Mesemene]

You don't.

 

"Hey, nice seeing you - take care, I gotta get" if you're in her "group" so to speak, at the time. If everyone else is just making a couple of comments and dispersing, go with the flow. If she feels a "bye" is needed, she can seek you out.

[tomp910]

ok..the only problem is its just going to be me and her..after the day over.

[tomp910]

well here is an update on how today went..I was with her pretty much all day..I was calm and collective all day..Did not show her any type of affection..I wasn't being a jerk at all either...I was being normal made her laugh a couple times..Noticed a picture of her and new guy on her desk..that hurt...I think this was probably the worst thing i could have done..Back to square one..This is got to be it I gotta go strict NC for a long time..Iam tourturing myself..its not like i was expecting her to jump back into my life..but it was soo nice seeing her all day..God I miss her..as far as the goodbye told her thanks for having me in and thats it she said let me walk you out i said no thanks and found my own way out..What do you guys think?

[Mesemene]

Sounds like you made the best of a bad situation by staying cool and not talking about anything to do with the relationship.

 

Makes it an ideal time to go NC, in my opinion. You'll be doing it from a position of strength, which should make you feel a bit better about your "last impression" and about yourself.

 

Chin up, eyes forward - time to start taking those steps again.