This relationship is sucking me dry...

[EmeraldFrog23]

I feel terrible at what's happening to the relationship between my partner and I. Our relationship has already been put to the test so many times and I always thought we would be together because we survived the hard times.

 

My guy and I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years. It's long distance due to the face that he is not a U.S. citizen and therefore we would need to begin immigration procedures (via the K-1 visa route) in order for him to come here and close the distance. But frankly, I'm not sure if our relationship can survive this emotional trying immigration process. As most of you already know, dealing with U.S. immigration is not an easy task and there's no guarantee that he will be cleared and be able to immigrate here. We've already decided that me moving to his country is not an option. I know that I will not be happy there living permanently.

 

First off, he is currently extremely depressed for a number of reasons including his parent's constant pessimism towards him, him not being able to find good work, and memories of his recent past failures haunting him. As a result, I've assumed a caretaker type of position, trying to motivate him out of his slump and get him to be happy. It works temporary but always after a few days something sets him back again and he becomes depressed.

It's very emotionally draining for me especially with the distance.

 

In addition, I've become extremely lonely. I miss the physical aspect of a relationship that I'm severely lacking right now. I'm not referring to sex. I'm talking about hugging, kissing, holding each other, holding hands.... It worries me because I sometimes get touchy with my guys friends (like too much hugging) because I miss this stuff so much and I don't want to put myself in a wrong position with my fiance.

 

On top of all of our other troubles, my fiance recently brought up trust issues in our relationship by engaging in some adult dating site chats.

 

I know after reading this the clear answer will be to end the relationship. But the answer is not so clear in my head. I am still very much in love with this man and would love the opportunity to marry him and settle down in our lives but there is so much uncertainty at stake here. I don't know if I should invest the time, money, and emotional stress into this immigration process with the current state that it is in.

 

I am so worried too to end things right now because of how depressed he is. In fact, I think our talks are all that are keeping him going right now. A break up would destroy him. I feel very selfish to end things just because I'm lonely as I know that he is lonely as well.

 

I also have my own personal insercurities stopping me from ending the relationship. I'm worried that I may never find another man like him. He's a good hearted person and we have a lot of mutual morals and values. Also I feel that I'm getting older and that I'm running out of time to meet someone and think about marriage and settling down. Very cliche I know but I'm trying to be honest here.

 

This relationship has been an uphill battle since the time it became long distance and I have always been more than willing to face any obstacle that arose in our path but I feel that I'm losing steam here and may not be able to keep this pace for much longer.

 

I'm so upset and confused. I've even considered seeing a therapist or a relationship councelor because I feel that I cannot make the right decision.

Any help or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

[Mesemene]

 

Same guy, right?

 

I am so worried too to end things right now because of how depressed he is. In fact, I think our talks are all that are keeping him going right now. A break up would destroy him. I feel very selfish to end things just because I'm lonely as I know that he is lonely as well.

 

I'm going to cry BS on this. Not your belief, but on it being all that's keeping him going. He's doing well enough to seek extracurricular companionship on adult dating sites. He may be depressed, but it's not only you he's relying on - he's getting ego boosts and extra help on the side there.

 

I also have my own personal insercurities stopping me from ending the relationship. I'm worried that I may never find another man like him. He's a good hearted person and we have a lot of mutual morals and values. Also I feel that I'm getting older and that I'm running out of time to meet someone and think about marriage and settling down. Very cliche I know but I'm trying to be honest here.

 

So, if you have similar morals and values, why aren't you on dating sites getting some cyber lovin'? Probably because you feel it would violate his trust, since you're worried about anything you consider extra even hug-wise from male friends.

 

At 24 years old, you're barely hitting the point most guys in your age range are even CONSIDERING settling down. Your dating career is FAR from over - you're at the beginning of when most are finally ready to look at serious relationships.

 

So I'll be blunt. Get a grip, look in the mirror, and ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you REALLY want. He hasn't been exactly full of encouragement or enthusiasm in the visa application process. He's scouting out other women. And he's got you feeling like you're responsible for HIS issues. Do you want 30 years and more of taking care of everything or fearing it won't get done? Checking his email and phone to see what he's doing? Taking care of him like an overgrown child, accepting responsibility for his actions, or lack thereof?

 

Probably not. It's commendable you want to help him, and worry about him. But you have to worry about YOU as well. Otherwise, you'll end up being drained to a shell of yourself, with no outside interests, no time to relax, and no partner to help shoulder the burdens and share the joys of daily life. And that's what a relationship, ultimately, is all about.

[EmeraldFrog23]

Thank you for being so blunt and honest about this. Yes it is the same guy and I know it may not make sense but until recently I completely envisioned that this man would be the one that I would be spending the rest of my life with. It's just hard to imagine that I may not now. I still am in love with him and had made plans to visit in January, he's been talking about the trip a lot and it makes me sad to hear about it. It just sucks to be the dumper. I'm afraid my guilt over this situation will eat me alive.

[PaintWithLight]

Why are you the one to jumps the plane? Why can't he put together a visit to see you? At least that would show some action and commitment on his part. yes?

[tyr72]

Thank you for being so blunt and honest about this. Yes it is the same guy and I know it may not make sense but until recently I completely envisioned that this man would be the one that I would be spending the rest of my life with. It's just hard to imagine that I may not now. I still am in love with him and had made plans to visit in January, he's been talking about the trip a lot and it makes me sad to hear about it. It just sucks to be the dumper. I'm afraid my guilt over this situation will eat me alive.

 

You have the right, and the responsibility to look out for yourself. It is never fun to be the dumper, but you have nothing to feel guilty about.

[EmeraldFrog23]

Why are you the one to jumps the plane? Why can't he put together a visit to see you? At least that would show some action and commitment on his part. yes?

 

Yes that would make sense but he's from a country in which it is very difficult to obtain a tourist visa (not a visa waiver country). First of all he would need to prove strong ties to his home country such as owning a house or having an excellent job. Also it is costly. None of these things he really has so he would almost certainly be rejected for the visa.

 

I on the hand have a 5 year visitor visa for his country, and it's only a matter of me booking the ticket and flying over there.