"I'll Never Find Anyone As Good!"

[Goodfellas]

Thanks for that changeacomin and yes, I do remember the similarities in out stories. I'm so happy for you that you found somone that matches YOU and not your ex! (great line, by the way) Just out of curiosity, what did you mean by "just for fun"? (yet another one of my post breakup rattlings found here: )

[Eocsor]

You know, whenever you describe this girl you use words like beautiful, intelligent, rational, physically in shape, educated etc. What you never mention is if she was a kind, caring, compassionate person who really gave a dam about you.

 

Yes, we all need to feel physically attracted to our significant other, but that attraction is the most superficial of all. What you really hope for in a partner is someone who is kind, caring, compassionate and values your needs as well as their own.

 

Looks fade. No matter how well you maintain yourself father time gets us all. And trust me when I say this but even the most beautiful woman in the world gets a little boring to look at if you've been with her long enough. My ex was smoking hot but after looking at her for 14 years it's not that, that you value.

 

So yes, you most definitely will find someone as good as your ex again. You will actually find someone much better. Someone who values you for you. Because from where I'm sitting your ex doesn't sound that great at all. She sounds like a shallow, uncaring pain in the arse who put her own needs above everyone elses.

[changeacomin]

Hi again. Well...by "fun" I mean just hanging out together making each other laugh. And he really made me laugh! I'm always attracted to people with a good sense of humour, so we really hit it off. We went for a beer together a few times and we went DANCING! And no, we haven't had...er...ahem...THAT kind of "fun" yet - but it's on the cards

 

The dancing bit was best - my ex didn't dance AT ALL -so I found that part of this new guy particularly brilliant. So please try not to blinker yourself. There's someone out there waiting for a Goodfella.

[changeacomin]

Oh...and I totally agree with Ecosor!

[Goodfellas]

Eocsor - Not to dampen your point, but she was a social worker at heart and is now a health promoter. Compassionate to my needs and that of my family aswell. I will say this to your point is that she made a stink about "our futures not aligning" but had no idea where she was headed. She wanted me to get on her page assuming it would be better than my path, if that makes sense. Head strong and determined to look out for herself. I appreciate your insight, however abrasive it may be haha

 

Changeacomin - Dang! After I courted my ex I rarely danced with her, hopefully she doesn't find someone with happy feet to make her feel the way you do. That's besides the point though, he'll have qualities I don't and my future gf will have qualities my ex doesn't. I now need to work on being open to that future girl.

 

Thanks!

[Eocsor]

she was a social worker at heart and is now a health promoter. Compassionate to my needs and that of my family aswell. I will say this to your point is that she made a stink about "our futures not aligning"

 

I've met a lot of not so compassionate social workers and nurses and doctors and day care workers and....well you get the point.

 

And if she was so compassionate to your needs it sure doesn't show from what you've described.

 

You are putting this girl on such an incredibly high pedastal she probably can't breath up there from lack of oxygen.

 

If you want to idealize this girl to the nth degree thats your business, but you are setting yourself up for some miserable times. Until you can get the idea out of your head that she was that great, any other relationship you have is doomed.

[Milsch]

I've met a lot of not so compassionate social workers and nurses and doctors and day care workers and....well you get the point.

 

And if she was so compassionate to your needs it sure doesn't show from what you've described.

 

You are putting this girl on such an incredibly high pedastal she probably can't breath up there from lack of oxygen.

 

If you want to idealize this girl to the nth degree thats your business, but you are setting yourself up for some miserable times. Until you can get the idea out of your head that she was that great, any other relationship you have is doomed.

 

This is a point that has always interested me.

 

I honestly believe my ex is as wonderful as I say she is: stunning, sweet, loyal, funny, incredible in bed, etc, etc. I also believe that I am about 95% to blame for the BU.

 

So how do I get the idea out of my head that she was that great if she really was? Great for me, anyway.

 

I mean, I could make stuff up... distort history... try to plant false memories... 'devalue' her in my mind...

 

But honestly, what's that going to achieve? I might 'get over her', but it will make me a bitter person.

 

Does that mean every relationship is doomed to failure until time has literally erased my ex from my memory?

[Eocsor]

This is a point that has always interested me.

 

I honestly believe my ex is as wonderful as I say she is: stunning, sweet, loyal, funny, incredible in bed, etc, etc. I also believe that I am about 95% to blame for the BU.

 

So how do I get the idea out of my head that she was that great if she really was? Great for me, anyway.

 

I mean, I could make stuff up... distort history... try to plant false memories... 'devalue' her in my mind...

 

But honestly, what's that going to achieve? I might 'get over her', but it will make me a bitter person.

 

Does that mean every relationship is doomed to failure until time has literally erased my ex from my memory?

 

Really?? Loyal, yet she left you anyway. Ok.

 

We all idealize the ex to a certain degree. But guess what, they're just as human as you or I with all the faults and ferailties that being human entails. They may well have been nice people but the "one and only" I don't think so.

 

And yes, if you idealize your ex to that degree any relationship after is doomed.

[lemsip]

I idolised my ex for a good while, still do to a certain extent. I mean she was caring, everything I could have wanted - or so I thought. The fact she left me for someone else, and wasn't willing to work at it has made me realise she wasn't as hot as I thought she was. I'm in a pretty good place now, I see the negatives as much as the positives. She wanted to settle while I still wanted to see the world. If I had stayed with her I would have been sacrificing my own needs and desires.

It takes time to take them off the pedestal, but it will happen.

 

There are plenty of people in the world suited to each of us. I don't buy into any of this "the one" bullsh*t.

[Vaglar]

Yeah, we must remind ourselves that THEY LEFT US. They may have been caring, loving, compassionate, whatever. The fact is, they bloody left us so and are now only thinking about themselves, their happiness. Sad reality.

 

OP - by upping your game, I mean analyzing why the breakup occurred and fixing the issues that lead to the BU. For example, your ex must have told you to be more sociable, or be interested in more things maybe so if you think this will make you a better person, I'd suggest working on those issues. It will benefit you in any case, for future girlfriends and maybe the ex, who knows.

[TessaB]

This is something so hard to deal with! In my case, my ex is on a pedestal in my head. The 2 year relationship ended as a shock to me after what I thought was something that would last. It ended with...he just didn't have those feelings anymore. Maybe he did last week, or yesterday, but apparently not the next day. So, besides this glaring huge fault (the fact he's leaving me), I still have feelings of love, support, etc for him, because prior to the breakup, that's how I felt about him and us, and at one point, he felt that way too. I wish in my head I could stop thinking so highly of him!

[Nugs]

I'm still in a position where I believe it is true. My ex was the greatest thing in my life and less than 3 months since she came home and (figuratively) smashed me over the head with a baseball bat informing me she had met someone else, I am still in love with her. Of course logic screams that there must be someone as good out there, but (rolled eyeballs time) she is the most beautiful person I have ever met. Yes Vaglar, it's true of course - she left me, and did it in a pretty brutal way - but the reasonable me (not always there believe me) says she did it because she was unhappy with us. Got to accept that. Somehow.

 

Anyway, I'm not even near to a point where I'm looking for anyone else... but I predict when I am I will find it tough not to compare them with her.

[lemsip]

My ex had short blond hair. Strangely the few girls I'm attracted to at the minute and have occasionally smooched etc have long dark hair. I always thought I had a 'type' but clearly I don't.

[vel2011]

It's been 4 months for me after 2,5 yrs together and I don't yet have much desire to date other girls, and I am struggling to remove my ex from that pedestal. I honestly don't think I will ever meet someone with a 'better' package - my ex was physically the most gorgeous and sexy girl I've ever seen anywhere, kind, honest, caring and so so fun to be with. It makes it harder that I think she is now seeing a guy who's a close friend and she grew up with, although he lives abroad. Despite him being nowhere near as physically attractive as me, it's like he's stepped in and provided that 'fun new' person for her to build a connection with while I still have some lonely and sad days unfortuantely.

 

The hardest thing for me is getting over the regrets I feel and trying to forgive myself - she lost attraction I think becuase I went through a few months of trying to save money, became a bit boring and stopped being as masculine and the leader - I lost a bit of myself by not being the attractive outgoing fun guy I was for the first few years and wish I'd taken a step back and analysed the relationship, rather than getting complacent, because I know now if I'd thought about all this before the BU I'd probably still be with her.

[californiagirl]

Hi i know, i still do that all the time, and it hurts cause you will not find your ex back.

My ex broke up with me after 6 years and it's now 10 monmths ago but i still feel like i am never gonna find another love like him...

He's already with a new girlfriend and that hurts even more... like i am just replaceble and i wasen't good enough anymore......

[AnnaN]

It's been only 5 weeks for me but I believe that I have to be extremely lucky to find someone as good as my ex. I had done a lot of searching to find him! I am not getting into relationships easily, only if I am really sure and I really like the other person. And during the relationship, for 4 years, he was perfect! The only bad thing he did was dumping me one day out of the blue.

I have no hopes that I'll find something like this or better again. I hope I'm saying these because it's too early. But how am I going to find again someone the way I want him? I was lucky once..

[Eocsor]

The only thing I can say is that if anyone believes they won't find anyone as great as their ex, they won't. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

If you carry on with that mindset, you are dooming yourself to failure and at that stage your misery is no ones fault but your own.

[deeplongbreath]

That's right Eocsor. But what if you see your ex with all their imperfections, failures and all (and God knows mine had a bunch of them, well just like me anyways), you're open minded for meeting new people, you do so and get along well with them... and then nothing happens but a strong urge to be by yourself again as soon as possible? Not with the ex, no no, alone? What could that possibly mean in your opinion? I'm interested, honestly.

 

Btw I'm sorry for the OP that I don't have any success story to share

[Eocsor]

That's right Eocsor. But what if you see your ex with all their imperfections, failures and all (and God knows mine had a bunch of them, well just like me anyways), you're open minded for meeting new people, you do so and get along well with them... and then nothing happens but a strong urge to be by yourself again as soon as possible? Not with the ex, no no, alone? What could that possibly mean in your opinion? I'm interested, honestly.

 

Btw I'm sorry for the OP that I don't have any success story to share

 

It means you need to be on your own for a while. No one NEEDS to be in a relationship in order to be happy. Until you are happy on your own, you can't really have a successful relationship. If you need someone in order to achieve happiness you will always find yourself wanting because no person on the face of the planet can fill that hole.

 

People are always in such a rush to move on to the next relationship as if that’s the only thing that matters. Alone time can be fantastic. I spent over three years without dating after my marriage ended and they are still some of the best years of my life. I partied with friends, raised my kids, did all the wilderness stuff I'd always wanted to do, camping, canoeing, hiking and climbing and just generally had a blast.

 

I didn't want to be in a relationship of any kind so I wasn't. I still look back at that period of my life nostalgically.

 

So, if you feel like you want to be alone, if you feel like you aren't over the efffects of the ex, bea lone and enjoy the crap out of it. Life is short, have fun.

[Live-N-Learn]

I hope I never find anyone as bad as my ex again!

[deeplongbreath]

I'm happy on my own, as happy as one can be that is. It took me a while to get there but I finally did. And now what? Human beings are not meant to live on their own. The other day I had to have x-rays and was sitting in the waiting room. There was a couple, they were like in their 70's, holding hands and kissing. Surely one of them was there with a health issue, and they were... just as one. So moving. I thought to myself "alright now that I've done all the necessary work on myself, what now? why can't I share with someone I deeply care for?" and then hot tears welled my eyes. Of course I quickly recomposed, but the thought is still nagging. I don't want to be in a relationship "just to be in a relationship", I'm too old for that and I don't care what others think of me being single at nearly 43. What I had with my most recent ex, I had never had with my husband of 20 years, my younger post-divorce boyfriend or anyone on earth, ever. How the hell is that? I know, I know, you don't have an answer. But it's okay because I think do ;-)

[Eocsor]

There are no guarantees in life. We may never find a person that we are compatible enough with, and love enough, to spend the rest of our lives with. And to that I say, so what!!!

 

Life is a freaking magic carpet ride if you let it be. Theres just so much to see and enjoy out there. So many people to meet and talk to. You don't NEED anyone to enjoy life. You just have to be content with yourself, with who and what you are. You've got that, you've got enough.

[GreenCupcake]

I thought that while I was going out with my ex, and even for a few weeks after we broke up. It's been almost three months and now I KNOW that I can find someone way better than him (I just have to work on myself first). He didn't treat me as well as I thought. It's kind of funny because now I think it's the other way around - I don't think he's going to find anyone who will be as good as I was. Even though I wasn't perfect, I put up with a lot of his B.S. and I did treat him well for the most part (considering the type of person he was). Oh well...

 

Time is such a healer...

[deeplongbreath]

Oh well...

Time is such a healer...

 

That's all I wish for you. Healing and a fresh start.

[bigbang]

Saw this French movie the other day and found the final quote to be funny yet it might just be true.

 

--If I think about all the girls I've known or slept with or just desired, they're like a bunch of Russian dolls. We spend our lives playing the game dying to know who'll be the last, the teeny-tiny one hidden inside all the others. You can't just get to her right away. You have to follow the progression. You have to open them one by one wondering, "Is she the last one?"