Stuck between two loves

[jes777]

I am so desperate for some advice, I have been with my childs father for 10 years and although we were best of friends I never felt I was in love with him. My Mum passed away 2 years ago and I felt I needed change, I met a guy whilst on holiday with my partner and began a year long affair. My childs father had a drink isue while we were together which had a bad effect on us, the only reason we stayed together so long is that other than that issue he treated me well, generous and caring and good with our son, always helping out where he could. He found out about the affair which has had a bad effect on him but on the other hand he has dealt with his drink problem and to any other woman he has now become the perfect partner apart from the fact I am not in love with him. The guy I am having an affair with is the sort of guy I could see myself with, he's hardworking, funny and when we are together I feel like Im in love, the only problem is he lives 100 miles away and he lacks qualities that my childs father has. He is more of a traditional man that expects the wife to do all the housework and cooking, etc and quite honestly although he isn't bad off financially, not so generous. If I decided to be with him I cant see myself moving away from my home town due to family commitments, job, etc. Im so confused, they are both saying that they are desperate to be with me and as I do want another child Im really not sure which one I should be with. I just worry that if I stay with my childs father I will crave the intimacy I felt with the other guy and although I will have the other child I wanted I will miss out on love??????? Confused, so am i!!!

[Capricorn3]

Is the other guy married?

[NCMaster]

This is a really bad situation.

 

Three people's happiness is on the line. I think you are being quite selfish letting it come to this.

First of all I am not sure if you have done any sort of introspection?

 

10 Years is a long time to be together, and I am sure there was a stage where you were in love with your child's father. The problem is most likely this in my opinion:

You have moved through the phases of the relationship with your current partner and you are basically stuck at the attachment phase. This does not have to be a problem, BUT a lack of working on the relationship and spicing it up causes you to look elsewhere. Attraction has been lost.

 

I do not know enough about the type of people involved here, but I would say your actions are quite destructive and you are not acting out of true love for either partner. If you acted out of true love, you would have called the relationship off with your child's father, give him a chance to heal, work on yourself and at the right time engage in a new relationship with this other man. Right now you are lining choices up for yourself with no consideration for either of them;s feelings. Hence me saying you are acting out of self-interest and not love.

 

There is no reward in sitting with a situation where you have two relationships going. The outcome will most likely be that you will lose both partners and risk resentment from your kid down the line as well.

 

I encourage you to take a step back, get out of both relationships, spend some time on your own and move into something when the time is right.

[drummergirl]

First and foremost, what ever you do, DON'T have another kid right now. You need to be in a stable place with yourself and with your life before it a smart idea to even start thinking about kids. You are married AND having an affair and that is NOT a life to bring kids into.

 

Honestly? It sounds like you don't REALLY want to be with either man. One lacks some things you want and the other lacks other things you want and so instead you are with both of them. You need somebody that you KNOW you want to be with or you need to wait until you find somebody like that. Otherwise it isn't fair to your partners. They know they want to be with you after all.

 

You need to get yourself out of this situation. Break up with one of them and if you can't decide, break up with both of them. But you need to have the respect for yourself and for them to start making some tough choices or things won't get better for you.

[jes777]

I do admit I have been really selfish throughout this whole thing, but I never imagined the affair would have such a destructive outcome, I think I was acting subconsciously in starting the affair as I was so unhappy. I have told both persons involved that I need time to myself as I do recognise that I need time to refocus but Im getting constant pressure from my childs father and the other guy has been great just texting occassionally. I have realised that your right, Im not acting out of true love as things wouldnt have reached this point.

Thanks for your comment, really does help

[jes777]

It s funny reading comments and recognising them already as I know all these things but frustratingly I just cant seem to follow my own advice!!!

 

I have told both persons involved that I need time to myself as as you said it seems like both are lacking in qualities that Im looking for so maybe neither are right for me. I couldnt possibly have a child with the one guy without moving 100 miles away which would mean either a lot of commuting or leaving my current life behind. My child adores his father and vice versa so Im not sure if I could live with seperating them. I feel I need this time to myself to reflect on things and whether I just give up on my childs father, after all I had the affair for a reason.

Thanks for comment

Still reflecting

[jes777]

He's not married, 37, no children, goodlooking and has his own business, sounds ideal huh? Wish we had met in a different life, preferably with me living a little nearer!

 

Any hints on how I can switch off my creative mind as it seems to be getting me into alot of trouble!

[PaintWithLight]

He's not married, 37, no children, goodlooking and has his own business, sounds ideal huh? Wish we had met in a different life, preferably with me living a little nearer!

 

Any hints on how I can switch off my creative mind as it seems to be getting me into alot of trouble!

 

Wait. The problem is not that you need to meet in a different life where you are living nearer. That would change all the circumstances that Mr. 37-Years-No-Children likes. He has you in a box where he can enjoy you on his terms. You are married so therefore not available (which he wants, because this is just sexual for him), you are geographically distant (again, which he likes because he does not have to worry about you running into him at the market when he is with another woman), etc etc. You are risking your self esteem here even if you do not care about your marriage.

 

This guy picked a vulnerable married woman and has taken her for a ride just for his own selfish reasons. You need to stop the affair and view it for the tawdry thing it really is. Decide whether you want to fix your marriage or strike out as a single mum. Those are your options. Each involves a hard decision for you but this is where avoidance and distraction has lead you in your life. The responsibility and decision for a happy life are yours alone.

[NCMaster]

I do admit I have been really selfish throughout this whole thing, but I never imagined the affair would have such a destructive outcome, I think I was acting subconsciously in starting the affair as I was so unhappy. I have told both persons involved that I need time to myself as I do recognise that I need time to refocus but Im getting constant pressure from my childs father and the other guy has been great just texting occassionally. I have realised that your right, Im not acting out of true love as things wouldnt have reached this point.

Thanks for your comment, really does help

 

Hi Jes,

 

This is all purely from an outsiders point of view offcourse, but I am glad you find some things that make sense.

 

Do not be fooled by the fact that the one man is just casually texting and the other one is acting more desperate. The one with 10 years history feels like he has a lot more to lose, where the other one has less invested interest.

 

I think it might be useful to ask yourself the question: How will my next relationship survive once the honeymoon/attraction phase is over? Will you become unhappy and start another affair subconsciously?

 

I think it is great that you are taking a step back. This will allow you to examine why you are unhappy as well with the relationship. Is it because of the relationship or being unhappy with yourself? Now I know its almost impossible to get an answer to this question now, but I think as you take time-out this will become apparent.

 

I also suggest not talking to either men while you take the time out. I suggest you tell both of them the same thing and do not give the one more reason to hang in there than the other.

 

You might very well be surprised that the roles reverse. Remember, the one partner is probably texting you more calmly as he feels more in control of the situation. Do not be blinded by this or come to any type of conclusion based on this. Its all very short-sighted.

 

I think it will be productive if you use this time on your own to experiment with some new exciting things that does not involve a partner. Eg. try and create the excitement for yourself so you are not clouded in your decision with regards to who you like to be with. Your love should ultimately be a combination of your mind, body and spirit being in sync with that of your partner.

 

You have taken a good stance on this to not get defensive about your actions but to rather look into them. Now its about dignity/respect and being fair to all parties involved.

 

But recognize why you had the affair.

- Lack of excitement? (that could be solved between partners with effective communication)

- You have no desire being around the father of your child? - just make sure in this case you think about what if your affair does not work out. Would you still not want to be around the father of your child?

- Are you insecure about aging and your body, feeling that while you still "have it" you should use it?

 

Also try and think about the cycles of how and when you felt attracted to partner #1. These things will help you gain perspective as it does sound like you are giving preference to #2 even though he has done nothing to earn your loyalty?

 

I am purely playing out all the scenarios that you might not want to hear about right now BUT I do think its important to consider these things, as it will keep you honest in your motives and hopefully choose the best course of action for you.