Why NC Isn't Always A Good Thing

[Rob1000]

Before I start, I am an advocate of NC, it's highly important that you give yourself space to heal, gather your thoughts and work on yourself after you have split with your ex. But I do believe a certain amount of contact is important during a break up, even if you never get back together, or even if one (the dumpee) loses all dignity in the process! I believe you need to get your feelings out there, even if it does more damage than good at the time. Obviously I'm purely going on my experience, but have a read and decide for yourself.

 

It'll be 3 years in February since my ex and I split up. We ended fairly suddenly after 5 years together, 6 months before our wedding day, due to trust issues. I kicked her out because I no longer trusted her and I could see in her eyes that she wasn't in the relationship any more.

 

We've seen each other just twice (at a friend's engagement party and subsequent wedding) since the day we split, and have had 2 very brief conversations on the phone. In all, I can't imagine more than 200 words have passed between us since the day she left. Not once have we had a face to face conversation since suddenly breaking up in February of 2009.

 

Almost 3 years on, I have still many unresolved issues about the break up and I still have far too many feelings (that I shouldn't have at this stage) lingering for her. There are still a million things I still want to say to her, things that I should have got out of my system a long time ago but still give far too much of my time to. We never had 'the break up' talk. One day she was here, the next she was gone.

 

At first, I honestly thought that by walking away, by going NC, I was giving us the best chance of getting back together. It had worked a few years earlier, when we had broken up for 5 weeks. But this time, after 5/6 weeks, she was in the arms of another. So I walked away again with what dignity I could spare and got out of her life, as she had requested.

 

And here I am, with 1,000 days NC (hardly broken 3 or 4 times) with many unresolved feelings, anger and love for my ex, wishing I had phoned her, text her and called to her house and said all of the things that were on my mind at the time, because if I had had, I'd probably be over her by now. I wished I had screamed at her, told her how much I loved her, told her I was sorry, told her she was a biatch, cried in front of her and had just been honest and spoken my mind with her. If I had, maybe this cloud around my head would have gone a long time ago. I saw a therapist last year which helped a little, but it was my ex that needed to hear what was on my mind, not a stranger in a chair.

 

Again, this is based on my experience alone, but I do believe telling your ex exactly how you feel after a break up is highly important, even if it's damaging to your chances of re-uniting, because unresolved feelings and mental issues are far more damaging in the long run.

 

Love,

Rob

[offplanet]

I think you make some good points there Rob. Actually I've never had the experience of being suddenly dumped and having no explanation whatsoever. I think that would be devastating and extremely hard to get over. Unfortunately sometimes it does happen. But yes I think it's necessary for closure to have some explanation, even if the person dumping doesn't give the whole story or their true reasons. I think you're right about the benefit of getting some of the emotion out of one's system, too, even though I've always advocated keeping one's dignity and pretending not to care. But given what you've said here about 3 years later wishing you had been able to tell her certain things in order to have got it out of your system, I think you have a good point.

[lanaa]

you were the dumper here if i understand it right?

[Rob1000]

you were the dumper here if i understand it right?

Not exactly. I didn't want to break up but loving someone you don't trust is even harder than breaking up with them. And I could see it in her eyes. Kicking her out was the only thing I could do and I thought putting some distance between us would bring us back together.

[abitbroken]

So...NC doesn't work because she hasn't come back to you? On the contrary, NC is helping you as you aren't sitting there begging for her to come back and might, if you let it work and stop thinking you are being silent to get her back, help you finally heal. If you dumped her prior to the wedding because you didn't trust her ....didn't postpone the wedding but had a clean break - don't you think there was a reason why you did that? Yes, you can't be with someone you don't trust, but then why do you want NC hoping she will come back? If you wanted the relationship to work when you were so close to getting married, I would think counseling would be more like it. When someone dumps you so close to your wedding day, it is sometimes too hard for the other person to want you back if they feel humiliated if invites had already gone out. Sometimes you need a physical boundary from someone, but I really think that this one is not repairable, or really, you have to make the choice to move on. If you don't, you will be forever angry. If you do move on for real - who knows what happens. Sure, maybe you could run into her again but more likely will meet a young lady worthy of entrusting.

[abitbroken]

BTW, I never got to say in person or on the phone what i was feeling to my ex. Nor did I send a letter. I got what I wanted to say out by writing a letter and burning it. And also through a support group that helped me immensely. We don't always get to say everything and if we did sometimes it wouldn't work out like we had hoped because we end up crying, rushing through it or the person doesn't take it like we imagined.

[Rob1000]

I think you're missing the point somewhat. I don't want her back, nor have I wanted her back for a long time. Yes I still have feelings for her, but any notion of reconciliation with her evaporated a long time ago. Yes NC has helped me make great progress in terms of letting her go and healing, but I initiated NC at the beginning in order to put some distance between us and hopefully put things back together, but what it did was close the door to letting my real emotions and feelings come out. Some of which I now carry around as 'baggage'. Also she set the break up wheels in motion by lying to me and then declaring she didn't feel the same about me any more. She wanted to break up with me. I just saved her the trouble.

[LaceWing]

I think that is one of the things about NC. If you are the kind of person who tends to need closure or a conclusion of some sort to be able to finally move on....NC may not be best thing to do. Instead LC might work better, because I feel that real closure doesn't happen quickly. It happens after reflection....that can be months after the break up. So if you go NC, and then when finally things are clear in your mind and you want to communicate things in order to bring about peace....you find that you can't do that because the line of communication was cut.

 

Also NC isn't a game....it's obvious that if you do this, be aware that it could be permanent, so I urge people to use NC as a means of healing (to regain strength, perspective, detachment)....but make it known you just need space, don't cut all contact forever and ever, unless this is what you absolutely want.

 

However this is all dependant on the individual and situation. I cut ties with two of my exes because I knew I didn't want them in my life at all....but I didn't feel that strongly about them and knew neither of them was what I wanted long-term.

[abitbroken]

So...it is "baggage" because you can't say it to HER? I think it is best if you find a way to release the baggage before you foist it as an excuse on your next girlfriend on why you can't commit. I am guilty of it too - but its a cop out to "blame" your baggage on someone else. I mean, it is justified when someone is abused as a child - maybe they have baggage from that - but when you are saying "if only if I would have talked to her face to face I wouldn't have this baggage" is your crutch for not working through it. You DID talk to her and have brief conversations and if it was really that important you would have stated it then. The problem is, that its not enough to say it - we want the other person to 'realize how we feel' and we can't guarantee that. It is far past the time to point back to why you have baggage and time to move forward.

[loulou37]

I think you're missing the point somewhat. I don't want her back, nor have I wanted her back for a long time. Yes I still have feelings for her, but any notion of reconciliation with her evaporated a long time ago. Yes NC has helped me make great progress in terms of letting her go and healing, but I initiated NC at the beginning in order to put some distance between us and hopefully put things back together, but what it did was close the door to letting my real emotions and feelings come out. Some of which I now carry around as 'baggage'. Also she set the break up wheels in motion by lying to me and then declaring she didn't feel the same about me any more. She wanted to break up with me. I just saved her the trouble.

 

 

So why have you not contacted your ex? I'm quite confused, the "dumper" is the one with all the power when a relationship ends, you could have contacted her anytime you wanted to ask these things, I'm sure it would have helped your ex immensely also.

 

I am the "dumpee" i have had a face to face with my ex but i still have questions popping into my head all the time, that i need answering but what can i do, nothing, i don't want to contact him again and again, I'll just look sad and desperate.

 

loulou x

[loulou37]

BTW, I never got to say in person or on the phone what i was feeling to my ex. Nor did I send a letter. I got what I wanted to say out by writing a letter and burning it. And also through a support group that helped me immensely. We don't always get to say everything and if we did sometimes it wouldn't work out like we had hoped because we end up crying, rushing through it or the person doesn't take it like we imagined.

 

Hi abitbroken, can i ask what sort of support group you went to?..at the moment i am in counseling but it doesn't seem to help me really, also it is very expensive for me, i have lots of counselors in my life i.e friends and family that let me talk to them for free! lol

 

loulou x

[hodgeheg]

I am the "dumpee" i have had a face to face with my ex but i still have questions popping into my head all the time, that i need answering but what can i do, nothing, i don't want to contact him again and again, I'll just look sad and desperate.

 

This is exactly how I feel.

 

I think you're holding onto that "baggage" because it is all that's left of your relationship. If you have no hopes at all of reconciliation and this baggage is holding you back from being a happy, healthy person then I don't understand why you can't just ring her up and say everything you've ever wanted to say? I don't see what you have got to lose, except then you will have to really accept that it is over.

[Rob1000]

Again, you're dealing with definitives. It's either black or white to you. I'm not blaming my baggage on anyone, nor am I lumping it on to another girlfriend. My situation is entirely because of my actions and I'm fully aware of that. I'm also fully aware that I should have moved on completely by now, but what I am doing is pinpointing certain issues that could have been dealt with 3 years ago, which would left me with a clearer mind today.

[Rob1000]

I didn't dump my ex. She was out of the relationship 3 weeks before I asked her to leave. I couldn't take her coldness any more. Here are the full details for any one who wants to read it..

 

 

 

[Rob1000]

I think you're holding onto that "baggage" because it is all that's left of your relationship.

This is spot on.

[meoww]

I don't regret being honest with my feelings during my break up. My ex did some awful things to me and he needed to understand what he had put me through. After 3 years though, I don't think it would be appropriate to bring it up. Why don't you try 'acting' it out with your therapist, really pretend it's her and let it all hang out. It may take several months but it really might help you let go.

[loulou37]

This is exactly how I feel.

 

I think you're holding onto that "baggage" because it is all that's left of your relationship. If you have no hopes at all of reconciliation and this baggage is holding you back from being a happy, healthy person then I don't understand why you can't just ring her up and say everything you've ever wanted to say? I don't see what you have got to lose, except then you will have to really accept that it is over.

 

I would love to reconcile with him, we had a great relationship, he told me when i met him that he still loved me but couldn't do it cos of time and distance....i was hoping to give him some time to think things through without me contacting him.

 

But i'm torn in what to do.

 

sorry...to hijack the thread

 

loulou x

[dabbledave]

I understand where you are coming from OP.

 

I let my ex have a taste (just a taste) of all the post-BU phases I have been through so far -- denial, anger, depression, bargaining, etc -- and I don't regret a bit of it.

 

I'm forging ahead knowing that she knows how I felt about her then, she knows how I feel about her now, and she knows how much I've grown from the experience.

 

I will never regret how I handled my break-up because I was always honest with her before, during, and after the relationship.

 

Indeed, I am supremely confident she will want me back one day. If she's too late, that's too bad.

 

DD

[MarnDark]

I had a lot of closure with my ex when she left me. We met 4 different times post BU, she broke NC eventually to tell me she was dating someone else after which I was able to discuss that with her on the phone.

 

I was obviously really angry after that and sent her an email explaining that. She responded with one of her own. I let it be then she eventually called me to apologize.

 

Do I regret not going complete NC right after she broke it off? Nope. I am glad that I have let her know how I've felt. And honestly if the feeling comes up again that I may need to say something then I will definitely consider it. No matter what, nothing will bring me back to "square one". I an not afraid to "break NC" as long as I am sure that I can handle the consequences and I am sure that it will continue my progress to healing. After all, we are all different, so we all heal differently.

[jooj]

Well in my case I went into strict NC after my break up for 3 months then I couldnt do it any longer and I had to contact him to let him know how hurt I was and how angry and upset I was by what he did to me. Everyone advised me not to but I didnt listen and I sent him an email expressing all my feelings and releasing all the anger within me, that was a very therapeutic step for me on its own and surprisingly he replied to my email which gave me closure. After a few emails we exchanged during that time in which I got all my feelings out I decided to start strict NC again and hopefully forever.

If time goes back I would repeat what I did again which is NC for the 1st few months so that each one of us cools down and has time to think and then contacting the ex to express feelings and anger then NC once again.

[PaintWithLight]

Whatever works for you. Getting the last word in or last shot might be healing for some or it might lead to a new escalation of exchanges and hurt feelings.

 

NC is the ONLY way to go in my book. Breaking the habit of contact with your ex allows you to reconsider your life. So many new options and opportunities were there but were left unexplored because the relationship and its defects were taking up so much of your time.

 

NC is a blessing of time and reflection. Time alone with yourself considering your future is time well spent.

[MnSnR]

Wow I haven't been on here in ages...haven't even browsed it since last year.

To be honest Rob, I don't think it does help much. My ex & I had to have contact when we broke up because of Rose & we had a lot of emotional talks, arguments etc. the lot. It still didn't help me. I'm over him (as much as I think I ever will be)...But just like yourself, I still have a lot of feelings for him and I still cling on to the past and what we had. I honestly think I won't ever fall in love properly again after what happened with my ex. He only recently broke up with his Girlfriend after me & when I found out I didn't feel happy or anything like I thought I would. After everything that happened between me & her. I actually felt abit lost and bad for them, strangely. He doesn't seem hurt by it at all & I honestly thought they wouldn't break up for a very long time, I thought they were totally smitten...but apparently not. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors in all relationships. People are never as happy as they let on. People should try harder when they have someone they love and fight for their relationship because people don't actually realise just how hard it is to fall in love once you've given your full heart to someone before and it got broken. I doubt I ever will again.

[MnSnR]

Oh & I've just read through this thread, I understand completely what you mean. I definitely would never (nor do I want to in anyway) reconcile with my ex. But I feel exactly the same as you

I think it's because we haven't met anyone else since then. If we had then we wouldn't feel like this. But saying that..it's now extremely hard to find someone because of what happened to us...so it's a lose lose situation lol. One day we will though (I hope!!) haha

[einsteins_girl]

I realize this post is super-old, but reading it just now helped me a little. I think it's very hard for people to understand what it's like when a long-term relationship ends abruptly and then is just done. Like the OP, I never had a breakup talk. I was never able to get out my true feelings. I was never able to really say good-bye. And all of that lingers on still - two and a half years later. There was never any closure, and I have tried (on my own and I'm in therapy) to find closure within myself, but it's just not coming. One day, he was here. The next, he was gone. It is so hard to understand how difficult this is unless one experiences it firsthand. It's like a wound that will never heal - not even enough to form a scar. It's just always gaping and seeping and aching - on and on without end.

[sharky988]

One day he was there, the next he was gone..... this would be happening with or without NC.

 

One day he was your boyfriend.... the most important man in your life, your whole future. The next, all that was over.

 

Even if you managed to stay in contact, that wouldn't have changed. You would've been hurt again and again because the moment he broke up with you the RELATIONSHIP between you changed and was done. You're not his girlfriend and he's not your boyfriend... you suddenly become "exes" and the relationship you had can never be the same because his feelings for you have changed and all the hopes and dreams you had together are gone.

 

Someone here once compared it to Pet Semetary.... how exes change after a breakup, becoming some horribly altered version of their former selves. That has nothing to do with sticking to NC or not.

 

NC is your best chance at healing, but it's not going to magically give you closure. It hurts LESS than staying in contact, but moving on from a breakup is on YOU.

 

If you're still holding on, that's not because you couldn't say certain things to your ex, it's on YOU to heal. So-called "closure" comes from WITHIN... it comes with acceptance.

 

That's not something an ex can give you or take away. They could care less -- you're not even on their radar anymore. What you're holding on to is how wronged you feel.... believe me, I can relate to that! You need to accept what happened before you can move on, and that acceptance doesn't come from him, it comes from YOU.

 

Don't blame NC..... NC is just a tool to minimize your pain and help you recover.