Why NC Isn't Always A Good Thing

[quirky]

I think what we are referring to is being heard and feeling like you matter. It's ok if the ex wants to move on. But to not even have a chance to voice your thoughts/feelings about it is devastating. Particularly to that person you used to share everything with. Your association with that person is that they love you and your feelings matter to them. And then they don't. I think it's very difficult for people to feel silenced and irrelevant and it can re open a lot of past wounds.

 

I have had the same problem as the OP though I have had some contact with the ex and I think it did help me. But we never really talked properly about the BU and even though I could talk about it now it honestly feels pointless and redundant, it should have been done in the first year.

[sharky988]

Yes, but breaking up can also be described as "devastating."

 

Having to end that back-and-forth communication, no matter how much discussion there's been about the breakup afterwards, can be "devastating."

 

No matter what you do or say, the day will come when you no longer have the option of relating to your ex as if you're still boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

The gift of NC is that it limits the amount of suffering that comes with extended contact and holding on.

 

While it might be popular to blame NC for an inability to move on and accept that a relationship is over, the true "villian" in this scenario is the ex that dumped you, not the process by which you're most likely to heal in the fastest and least painful way (NC).

[einsteins_girl]

Not that it really matters, but I ended things. Either way, I still stand by what I said. Only those who have gone through a very similar situation can understand. And even then probably not, because every situation is different in some way.

[BlueRizla]

I don't know who ended things. I think my ex blames me..she acts like its my fault she had to find someone else. We 'kinda' broke up last summer but were in and out and tied emotionally until she suddenly met someone 3 months ago. There has been no closure, no talk. I'm sure she tried at one stage but I let it go over my head as it would be about ego I imagine. We have a son. I see my ex 2-3 times a week..well, double that as I pick up and return. I am in NC - NIC..I say nothing about us or her relationship. I turn up, smile, say hello and get my son. In return I get the silent treatment, abuse if I ask anything, doors slammed in my face, accusations, then sometimes a greeting, smiles, eye contact.. ..I never know what is coming. I'm really hurt, showing no emotion, not reacting. I have to leave my son home in the morning when I know the boyfriend has just left and my ex is just out of bed. This type of NC is really tough but I'm doing it. I know there's nothing I can do to fix things between us... which forms the basis of why we are not together. I'm too far in on my recovery to be with someone who doesnt seem willing to start. I wouldn't expect her to anyway considering our age gap. Its a difficult one to accept. I long for acceptance.

 

So yeah..I'm in NC with extended contact. It ruins my healing to some extent on a weekly basis and it really does suck. If I could just go truly NC I'd have broken it, my issues, my finding it hard to let go, my attachment, my self esteem, my codependence - whatever - by now. NC..NC..NC. Its a good thing. Everyone should always go NC. When you are over the relationship is the only time to break it. You can be over what happened but still have feelings for the person and only then should you permit yourself to 'consider' any contact.. this is where I feel many get confused.

[sadpuppie]

NC is just a tool to minimize your pain and help you recover.

 

Nothing more, nothing less, exactly that!

[journeynow]

No matter what you do or say, the day will come when you no longer have the option of relating to your ex as if you're still boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

The gift of NC is that it limits the amount of suffering that comes with extended contact and holding on.

 

Well said, sharky988. It also gives you boundaries during the confusing time of emotional upheaval when it feels like your world has been turned upside down.