Dating a divorcee with a kid.

[chr8st8na]

chr8st8na, thanks! That was actually good advice. I'm fully aware that his child is more important. He also works a lot as he owns his own company. I'm fine with both of those things. I'm pretty independent.

 

I just didn't know if there was anything major i should look out for. I don't want to get in the middle of any drama that's for sure.

 

Hmm... in your case, I say maybe a crazy ex wife. Because they might knowingly try to mess up ur date with him and call him up to pick up the kid or babysit because of an 'emergency'.... Thankfully I havent had to deal with that and my guy doesnt talk to his ex unless its necessary (and he has full custody- thank god). I hear horror stories of custody fights and child support cases which negatively affects a new love interest for either party.

 

Personally for me, what I really worried about was a possessive child. I'm sure you won;t have that problem but its still important to bring up because I think kids are so vulnerable when their parent is dating. The guy I am dating has a kid who is 11 years old (and a girl) so yea, I was worried she might dislike me because nobody wants to all of a sudden feel like a 3rd wheel. SO basically since I met her (last week) I've hung out with them twice and I've been myself but I also play the 3rd wheel because I think about the daughter first. Want her to be comfortable and want her to be ok with me (hope she loves me if her dad and I decide to go the mile) but honestly that is probably why my guy and I are still together because we really do put her feelings first.

 

Yea, it takes a lot of patience and really, i say a lot of conviction... and more so in the future. Dating someone with child(ren) is not for everyone- so if it doesn't work out because of his kid or ex, or his woes with his divorce- don't be too hard on yourself.

[Ariel85]

I just didn't know if there was anything major i should look out for. I don't want to get in the middle of any drama that's for sure.

 

You're already ignoring the major flags and drama, Alli. He's only been divorced a few months, and he divorced when he had a small baby.

 

I never think it's advisable to date someone who's recently divorced, and add-in the circumstance of divorcing with a baby at home, and it's already ripe for drama. There really is no good reason why a couple splits when they just had a baby.

[Day_Walker]

I think that all you have to decide is if you want to be involved with a man who has a child. If that doesnt bother you then see how things work out. If it does bother you then this guy isnt for you.

[DylanNotorious]

I still don't understand what the big deal of him having a kid is all about. So every single dad with a kid is bad news? It's obviously just an unfortunate circumstance, that this man and his wife did not work out, and had a baby.

 

Well at least your going to give him a chance OP.

[Stay_home]

So I'm in the beginning stages of dating this new guy. He's divorced with a small child. I've never dated anyone who was divorced, let alone has a child. Should I be aware of anything? I already asked about their divorce and it was amicable and they get along...which is good.

I'm not in a rush to get married, and have no desire to try to be a mother to his child.

 

 

Advice?

 

The child will always come first in the relationship. Regardless. If you don't think that's something you can handle, I wouldn't consider getting involved. Some people get into serious relationships with their partners who have children, expecting to be #1 and it doesn't workout that way. Then they get frustrated and want to break things off and say it's not working out.

 

I'm not in a rush to get married, and have no desire to try to be a mother to his child.

 

What really are you looking for from this situation? Whether you like it or not the child will definitely become a part of your life if you become a serious item. You don't have to be his mother, but it would be in your best interest to establish some sort of rapport with the child considering that you will be a part of his life.

[abitbroken]

I think it is really hard to say. There are stories here where a couple was separating and the marriage was really over a long time ago, then she gets pregnant. Either they try to reconcile one last time, or some people still have sex because its hard to let go. And they made the decision to coparent rather than be together. It could be that he didn't "abandon" the baby but she was the one who felt differently about their relationship. I think it is very important that you don't get involved with the child off the bat. I think its reasonable to not want to be an "instant step mom" and if this relationship goes at a healthy pace, you wouldn't have that for quite awhile anyways if the relationship ended up working out. And you observe, Get to know him and decide if he is even someone you want to continue dating on his own merits first. Keep your eyes open as far as what is going on and how he handles things in his life and with his ex and the child.

[Allipie]

i've just heard horror stories from single dads trying to date where the woman wants to know all about the kid(s) right off the bat.....basically 'baby/kid crazy'....but I'm not that person. I'm not looking for an instant family-I guess that's the best way to put it.

 

The child is still very young, so I don't think there'd be a problem with possessiveness or anything like that.

[calichick007]

Wait... did I see correctly in another thread that you haven't even had your first date with this guy yet? I think you're getting way ahead of yourself worrying about any of this when you haven't even gone on a date.

[Allipie]

official date!!! where he is taking me out....sorry....we've been hanging out and talking. Just taking it to the next level.

 

long story i guess.

[wiseoldwoman]

Personally, I think you're wise for giving this issue thought and try to gather information before you get involved. I applaud you for that, because whenever a child is involved, that child's well being should be given top priority by everyone involved.

 

The fact that he and his ex get along and work together regarding their child is a HUGE plus for him. You have no idea how many parents let their bitterness take over and the kids always suffer. The fact they've put aside whatever their issues are say a great deal of positive things about both of them. That doesn't mean everything will always be perfect between them, but it says a great deal that they're not nasty and vindictive.

 

Watch whether he does indeed put his child ahead of your relationship. If he does, that's a good thing. If he doesn't, it means his own needs and desires are more important than those of others and you can be sure that once the newness of your relationship wears off, you'll also become less important. If he puts his child ahead of himself and his needs and desires, that's definitely a good character sign.

 

This early on, you have no idea what went wrong with the marriage and so can't make assumptions that he's a cold heartless guy who abandoned his wife with a baby. If that was the case, I guarantee you, they wouldn't now be amicable. But as time goes on and it seems the relationship might go somewhere, you're going to want more information about that. And you'll want more information about the child.

 

Good luck and enjoy.