Dating a divorcee with a kid.

[Allipie]

So I'm in the beginning stages of dating this new guy. He's divorced with a small child. I've never dated anyone who was divorced, let alone has a child. Should I be aware of anything? I already asked about their divorce and it was amicable and they get along...which is good.

I'm not in a rush to get married, and have no desire to try to be a mother to his child.

 

 

Advice?

[Fudgie]

How small is the child?

I'm sorry to say but given that the child is small, he may be looking for his future partner to be a mother figure to the child. Maybe not, if the mother is still involved, but it's still a very real possibility given that the child is quite young.

[Allipie]

18 months and lives with the mom.

I have no problem being a mother figure in the future....but right now, it's just not my place to be involved.

[DylanNotorious]

If it lives with the mother, then what's the problem?

[Fudgie]

Agreed, it's not your place now.

 

As long as you're open to it in the future. If he's a good dad, he won't introduce you to the kid until you guys become quite serious. So I don't think you should have to worry about that for now, at least for a good long while. It's never good to introduce your kid to who you're dating unless you're serious and it's long term for sure.

[Mesemene]

Only thing I'd be aware of is if something urgent happens with his child, expect plans to be interrupted, and accept it with as good grace as possible. Kids get sick or hurt at times that are never "convenient" to parents - so even if it feels like a brush off at the time if he drops everything to see to his child, don't take it personally, you could be a goddess and still be left standing there as he rushes out the door to the doctor or hospital!!!

[Allipie]

I completely understand that his child comes first. =)

I don't want to know anything about the child until/if him and I become serious. And if I DO meet the child, I'd want the mother to be ok with it. I don't want to impose on anything and don't want her to feel like I'm trying to take over her role as a mother.

[Ariel85]

I don't want to know anything about the child until/if him and I become serious.

 

What does this mean? He can't talk about his kid until you are talking marriage?

 

Yeah, I don't see this working out too well.

 

When did he get divorced? And why? I find it a bit of a flag when a couple gets divorced when they have an infant. You know there isn't a good story lurking there.

[DylanNotorious]

Yeah I don't get it either. I mean, it's a little kid. It lives over at the mom's house, and it is a part of his life.

 

So what, you don't want him talking about the kid at all? When he goes to say something about the little one, your going to go "Stop! don't want to hear it!"????

 

This isn't going to affect your dating life at all. Your much too paranoid about him having a kid, and your not a young one, your 30!

[Allipie]

no no no...i mean, I don't want to be involved in the kids life until/if him and i become serious.

Sorry....i've just heard horror stories. hahaha maybe I'm being a bit paranoid.

 

And he said he's recently divorced...so IDK. Everything else is fine though.

[sadchick83]

I agree with Ariel, a divorce right after birth seems odd, even cruel. Are you sure it was amicable? Does she know about you??

 

Honestly, you should stand up for yourself a bit more. Yes the baby is important, but aren't you?

[tmtex]

Ummm maybe I am wrong. Maybe the guy should start running. How old are you? Kid lives with his mother. Just talking a wild guess but I am sure he/she isnt living with dad all the time, again could be wrong, but at 18 months do they do the every other weekend stuff with a baby.

babies, 2yr olds dont bite and I am sure you wouldnt have to have anything to do with him/her. Possible interuption when gets sick, maybe dad will have to get meds on a friday/sat night or pick up at daycare.

[Allipie]

I don't know the details. I didn't want to pry....but perhaps I should find out exactly what's going on. I know they were together for 2 1/2 years before getting married, and married for about 4 years.

 

I don't see why a divorce when the kid is over a year old is odd...?

[Ariel85]

I don't see why a divorce when the kid is over a year old is odd...?

 

You said the child was 18 months. So, chances are they divorced when the child was a baby, because most divorces take months to process.

 

And by this timeline, how long has he even been divorced? A month or two?

 

All of it is pretty unseemly.

[sadchick83]

I don't have children, but if my brother divorced his wife with an infant, our family would kill him!

If the baby is 18 months, they probably got separated I'm guessing a year ago? I don't know the story, but this is a mean thing to do to a new mom. Especially if its her first. I doubt he will have the kid too often at 18 months.

 

However, I would get out now!

[DylanNotorious]

I don't have children, but if my brother divorced his wife with an infant, our family would kill him!

If the baby is 18 months, they probably got separated I'm guessing a year ago? I don't know the story, but this is a mean thing to do to a new mom. Especially if its her first. I doubt he will have the kid too often at 18 months.

 

However, I would get out now!

 

 

Yeah you don't know the story, and how is it mean to the mom that the relationship did not work out?

[Allipie]

hmmm....i need to get more information.

 

i think it could be seen as cruel to a new mom because it's like, letting her deal with it on her own instead of having TWO parents there to work as a team to take care of the child.

 

definitely going to tread carefully until I know more information.

[Ariel85]

Well, you have no idea why they got divorced - he could have cheated with the babysitter or she could be banging his brother, for all you know.

 

The point is, when a couple splits when they have a newborn, it's got to be a pretty ugly story, as that's a seriously crappy time to split up.

 

There's just way too much baggage here, Alli. He's very recently divorced with a baby. Already two strikes.

[Allipie]

well it was amicable, or so he says.

 

Recently divorced....maybe just looking for FUN.

 

well, i'll let y'all know what happens thursday.

[loulou37]

well it was amicable, or so he says.

 

Recently divorced....maybe just looking for FUN.

 

well, i'll let y'all know what happens thursday.

 

Personally, i wouldn't get involved, i just been with a guy for the last year..he was still married but has since left the marital home, he has 2 kids and it was all he was focused on, rightly so but it was always them and not me, in the end he just had no space or time in his life for me.

[Ariel85]

well it was amicable, or so he says.

 

Recently divorced....maybe just looking for FUN.

 

well, i'll let y'all know what happens thursday.

 

Who amicably splits when you just had a baby??

 

That makes me think he's the one who screwed up. If it were her, he would have mentioned it out of sheer bitterness.

 

The whole thing is really icky. Recently divorced, small baby... I'd get out and find someone less complicated.

[Allipie]

you make a valid point, Ariel.. But, i'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt until I find out more info.

[aurang zeb]

he must seeking a mother for child.

if you can give attention and love child then you must accept his offer and marriage with his.

I am also seeking a dating women. I am single not any kids.

[chr8st8na]

I am dating a guy who is divorced (5 years ago) and has an 11 yr old daughter and the only thing I can tell you from my experience is that you will never be their first priority. Even if you think so, a parent's love for their child is always stronger than his love for his lover. However I personally feel that if you do meet someone who consistently shows more love to their lover than their child, its really just them selfishly seeking out love and affection. But back to your original question on what you should be prepared for. It's hard because if they work fulltime too, and they have to juggle their work with their schedule with their kid(s), you have to expect the rejections or lack of enthusiasm to your proposals on dates, and yes, there are last minute cancellations. Also.... most likely they are looking for someone who can be mother material, especially if they feel their ex isn't quite the model mother.

Also don;t expect to meet the kid any time soon. Parents are protective and exes are rightfully possessive. If you start to wonder why you havent met the kid or why he hasn't brought it up, don't!! Because the more u worry about it, the more it becomes about you and less about you and him. So my advice, if you like the man and he treats you with dignity and respect, be considerate of his situation and embrace what is attached to the man. That's including his kid and his ex-wife. If you feel that you can't along the way, then consider dating another man.

[Allipie]

chr8st8na, thanks! That was actually good advice. I'm fully aware that his child is more important. He also works a lot as he owns his own company. I'm fine with both of those things. I'm pretty independent.

 

I just didn't know if there was anything major i should look out for. I don't want to get in the middle of any drama that's for sure.