Lack of Honesty during Sex

[Teachergurl28]

What is my next step? Here is the backstory…

I was with my Colombian boyfriend Juan in his country, Colombia, for 2 1/2 years. I met him while working in the country. He is a wonderful, intelligent, sweet, and loving man. However, over time I began to really miss my family and I had doubts about our relationship, so I returned to the states December 2010. Since then, I have kept in contact with my ex. I actually went to even visit him in Colombia this past summer. I have felt anxious about our relationship for several reasons (distance, difficulty getting Visa without getting married, job prospects, etc.), but the main reason was sex. I was not sexually satisfied in the relationship, and I blamed it on him and his size. Superficial, I know, but trust me, I don't like that it is important to me either. I'm just being honest about how I felt and it's difficult to tell the thoughts creeping in your brain to go away.

Since then, I have started dating another very nice man Mike in the United States. Just a couple weeks ago, I completely broke it off (even friendship) with my ex-boyfriend in Colombia (not facebook friends) because I felt like it was the right thing to do. We have been in the state of in-between (AKA not boyfriend/ girlfriend but still talking) for several months now ,and I felt like I needed to make a decision to be fair to him. Since then, I have been spending a lot of Mike and having a lot of great sex. BUT I had an epiphany the other day when I realized most of the sex problems have been actually MY issue in not being honest. With Mike, I have been much more open with trying different positions, telling him if I like something, or don't like something, etc., because Mike is a very creative lover. I know realize It wasn't a problem with Juan's body, rather my own lack of candidness. Honesty can be difficult for me in the bedroom, but I realize that it is the ONLY way if I am to have a successful relationship. Sex is very important to me, so I guess with Juan we just got into a rut and I was not being creative or open. I faked enjoyment much much more than I like to admit and that really made me sometimes resent our sex time together even though I realize now that it was not his fault!

So, now I am thinking about Juan a lot.... Thinking this was my fault for messing up things between us, because I wasn't honest during sex.

My question for you is: should I break it off with Mike if I'm still having thoughts about Juan? It was in some ways liberating to understand my own lack of honesty, as weird as that sounds, because I feel like I understand myself better and will be a better partner in the future! I am definitely not planning to contact Juan again, because I think I need to live with my decision for at least a few months. It's not fair to him to do this "back and forth" with my feelings. But I don't feel like my heart is open right now with Mike... What is the right thing to do in this situation?

[wiseoldwoman]

I have no idea what might be fair to Mike - you probably have a pretty good sense of that in your heart. The one thing I do know is that you should not contact Juan - which apparently you're not planning on doing.

 

Certainly, your decision should depend to large extent on how much you're thinking of Juan - and in what ways. If your heart is still with Juan, and you spend your time missing him and fantasizing about what might have been with Juan, then you're being unfair to Mike. If however, you just remember Juan with affection and some level of regret, but are able to focus on Mike when you're with him, then it might well just be a part of the process of moving on.

[Teachergurl28]

Thanks, wiseoldwoman, that helps The thing is I am in the process of signing a rental lease for a new apartment, so it feels like I am a making a commitment to stay here in the United States and not back to Colombia. BUT I feel like I need to just to take the risk. This state of in-between has been killing me, so I guess I should take the plunge. I'm trying to tell myself that I need to just live with my decision and not second-guess myself. If several months go by and I am still thinking about Juan THEN I can contact him (with full knowledge that he may very well have moved on). Thanks for your advice.

[In the Dark]

Let Juan know you are not longer interested in him and starting dating this Mike guy.

If you two really are compatible and love each other then you will find a away to remain in contact.

 

 

It appears Mike is a more compatible lover and I wonder if you are drawn to Mike because Juan was a fizzle in the bedroom, therefore emphasizing on the sex part a lot more than you usually would while with Mike which maybe overlooking other qualities Mike may be missing.

[Teachergurl28]

Thanks, In the Dark. Definitely food for thought about Mike. I'm trying to figure out whether or not we really are compatible ( not just sexually ). I'm not sure at this point. I do enjoy our talks, he has a good heart, and a real family-oriented person. I'm just not sure if we have enough in common as far as interests... Maybe we should concentrate on our interests outside of the bedroom for a while!

[cocoon2012]

hi teachergurl28

How are you? think to commit ourselves to something ans staying faithful to our commitment, we need to be connected to the bigger vision of life. sex bring us into a balance moment but it is not lasting,and if we let ourselves to get our balance mainly through sex we become addicted, dependent and playground of others! i think (telling u the truth i am not good in practical relation myself and it is just my thoughts),as long as we do not have our own self interest and do not know how to keep ourselves balance we will always have problem with ourseves and our relation! it is a self balancing universe and if we are sure that we our serving a higer power beyound our limited self,every other things including our relations will move towards balance! i hope u find my general talk useful, anyway i will be more than happy to share my own experiences and more specific if you tel me more about your other than sex relation with the guys!

[Teachergurl28]

Hi Cocoon,

 

Thank you. Yes, I think you're right! Sex itself isn't everything in a relationship. But honesty is.I think when you pretend to like the sex without really being honest with your partner you are hurting your relationship little by little. That's what I did, because I was too afraid of hurting his feelings and I wasn't sure exactly what to suggest. I think couples should strive for creativity and honesty in their sex life because ultimately it will lead to greater intimacy.

 

I am looking for my life partner, as I want to get married soon and start a family. I was worried with Juan that I would commit to marrying him and then be unhappy with our sex life, which would ultimately weaken our relationship. I now am starting to realize that good sex with someone you love and are attracted to is ultimately about talking with them candidly about what you want in the bedroom (as difficult as that can be!)

 

As far as being connected to a higher power, I think I understand what you are saying. Everything should be in balance. Sex, however, is a life force and if one is not satisfied sexually, I think little by little it will destroy a relationship. That said, I am a very spiritual person and I definitely think that spirituality/ being in touch with God is more important by far than sex! I just am saying that sex is ONE of the very important things that I need in a relationship with a partner to be happy (among many other important components-- love

( of course) , respect, loyalty, fun together, affection, common interests, great conversation, etc.)

[cocoon2012]

sorry i am late in my respond, i just saw your writings! and want to add something,. In relation i thing what keeps the relation fresh and ever interesting (including sex ) is the diversity!, Diversity is what make us fall as a lover and brings challenge ,cognition and growth into life.love and diversity activates our creative power and that has nothing to do with common interests, it creates new interests and new life!