BrowneyedMan Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Hi everyone, I am a 33-year old man from Europe, and this is my first post here. I would love to hear your opinions (especially if you are a woman ) on my story about a lovely first date and a cancelled second date. To get to my story: I met this lovely young lady from Vietnam through an internet sales forum, one that could probably be compared to the American "Craigslist". Even though her advert had like 2000 clicks, she replied to my response in an email and asked me for my photo, which I sent her. She got back to me saying she would really like to meet me, to which I responded that I'd be very glad to meet her too. Also I wrote to her that I liked what I saw in her photos. Anyway, she sent me her phone number and asked me to call her to arrange a date. I tried, but no one picked up but the next morning she called me, and we arranged to meet that afternoon. When I got off the train and saw her standing there waiting I couldn't believe it: she was dropdead beautiful !!!! (which I didn't quite suspect from her photos, even though they were nice.) Btw, she is 24. Anyway, as I am quite shy, especially with beautiful women, I was pretty nervous at first and I think she suspected it. We then decided to go for a walk in a nearby park and then sat on the grass and talked, it was a gorgeous sunny afternoon. Anyway, I couldn't quite gauge her interest level, but she was so courteous, friendly, nice and endearing, telling me about her homeland and what she was doing here, etc. ..I felt she had all her values in the right place, and her expectations were so modest compared to what we just take for granted in the west. Besides she was simply beautiful. So, needless to say, I fell in love with her that afternoon. At the end of the date, I asked her if she wanted to meet again, to which she agreed and I said I'd call her. So, trying to 'stick to the rules of dating' I called her three nights later asking her out on another date. She agreed, about which I was over the moon. Anyway, the night before we were supposed to meet (this Saturday) she sent me a text message saying "Hello [brEM], unfortunately we will have to postpone our date as I have to look after my little cousin tomorrow." (nothing more, nothing less) - To me that came as such a shock that I really didn't know what to do. I researched online what behaviour like that means, and it seemed that most people would think, if a woman cancels late via sms then she isn't interested. I also spoke to my good friend, and he agreed with that also. So in the end I haven't responded to her text message in any way. I wanted to see if she would at least send a follow-up sms to check if I really got her first one and wanted to reschedule the date and be sure I wouldn't turn up at the agreed time. But she never did. So this is my question to all of you (especially women): -plain and simple - do you think she's not interested ? Should I just leave it ? The thing is, she seemed so nice when I met her (but then again, not overly excited either). And she looks like the woman of my dreams, that's why I have such a hard time letting it go. What do you all believe I should do about it ? Is there any hope at all ? Thanks in advance. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Don't play anymore "wait 3 days" games. Between the 3 days she could meet someone else, or realize you are a player. 50/50 at this point. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Only one way to find out, and that's calling her. Also bear in mind in a lot of eastern and asian cultures, family is closer and takes a MUCH higher precedence over social - it's not even a question if you cancel a date to look after a sick relative, it's just what's done. And as a general rule, women aren't as, let's just say "liberated" in approaching men as here. If she's grown up in even a semi-traditional family, your best bet would be to text best wishes for the nephew, and ask her to contact you if she wants to try to meet again. If she's not interested, she won't answer more than likely, but if she's still considering, it opens the door. Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 thankyou so much ladies !! @sadchick83: So you believe my waiting 3 whole days to call after the first date was too long, therefore coming accross as a player/suspicious ? ..that's what my best friend believed too and said I should have called 2 days later. - Frankly, despite my age, I'm still a bit clueless how to really do it all and really wanted to get it right. By 50/50 you mean, I messed up and there is a chance, the ball is in my court ? @Mesemene: love your answer, I hope you're right. makes good sense and she actually told me how important her family is to her and how she works for them 6 days a week without pay. Also, she didn't cancel like 2 hours before the date but the night before. ...I never responded in any way, so do you think I was very rude from her point of view ? And in light of what you say about the culture, and the circumstances of this date, wouldn't it then be better to just call her instead of texting ? (I hate texts anyway. It's so impersonal.) Just so you both understand me: I do NOT want to play games at all, I DO want this woman. very much. And I'd love to make her see that. I guess I was acting like player because my paranoid self caught up with me, seeing the 2000+ clicks on her ad, I thought she gave me the baby cousin as a lame excuse to be free to see another guy instead. ..also the fact that she was texting once and left it at that, instead of just calling. Link to comment
chr8st8na Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 I agree with Mesemene. You should have texted her saying "its no big deal." Asians value family first and then fun. You need to tell her you are sorry that you didn't respond to her. You not texting back may interpret to her that you don't care about her values and you only care about yourself. Also don't be so down on your looks. If she said she would like to postpone the date to another time, that means she is interested in getting to know you more. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 By all means call instead of text - I loathe texting myself since invariably, I manage to convey something I didn't mean to and end up spending more time sorting it out than I would've just calling in the first place! I don't know if she'd see it as rude, but possibly as not interested, or uninvolved. Time to rectify that at least. Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 I agree with Mesemene. You should have texted her saying "its no big deal." Asians value family first and then fun. You need to tell her you are sorry that you didn't respond to her. You not texting back may interpret to her that you don't care about her values and you only care about yourself. Also don't be so down on your looks. If she said she would like to postpone the date to another time, that means she is interested in getting to know you more. Thanks ! again an answer I like to hear. ..well, I really want to care about her and her values. Stupidly, I believed all this "advice" for men that's all over the internet, that says: woman cancels close to the date = no interest. Sends text instead of calling = doesn't wanna speak to you and wants a smooth way out...changed her mind about you, etc. So is all that BS that doesn't apply in my case then ? And should I send her an email to explain or just call, or really text back ? Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 ok Mesemene, I hear you. thanks. I'll see to it that I call her tmrw night and will keep you all posted. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 There's a lot of generalizations that don't always apply running around out there. When in doubt, go with the idea that it is what is appears to be without hidden messages unless you get other signals that show otherwise. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 In general, when a woman cancels a date and doesn't offer an alternative, she's not interested. Also, speaking as a woman, if I didn't hear from a guy for three days after a first date, I'd most likely conclude he wasn't very interested in me. Link to comment
chr8st8na Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 You should call her first. If she doesnt pick up, text her to see if she has time to talk on the phone. There are people out there who do not like to talk on the phone if they just met you. I think it mostly have to do with fear that they are not familiar with you so their words may get all jumbled or they use the wrong word (especially true for second English learners). Be upfront why you didn't message her back in a calm and relaxed tone. Just make sure it doesn't come off too desperate, defensive or whiny (or all above). Tell her you would like to make it up to her if she is willing to go for another date. Let us know how it went! Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Personally, I don't like when a guy waits 3 days. 50/50 means there is a 50% chance she will call you. I really don't think the odds are good for a person who has 2000 hits- whatever that means? What is this? Some sort of dating lottery? If you lie what she looked like, what not try to meet someone like her in person, or post your own ad. Link to comment
Kitten love Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Oh dear you need help! At worst waiting 3 days came accross as rude, at best uninterested And not responding to her text to cancel the date? What were you thinking?! You need to call or text her NOW not tomorrow night as I can promise you she will have completely washed her hands of you by then (I would have..) Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Ok, I'm an idiot for my way of thinking. Is there any hope in rectifying this ??? I'm definitely going to contact her. Got nothing to lose. So these are my ideas for doing it: 1) I text her asap, something like this: "Morning X, Sorry I didn't respond to your text ! I was on my way to our meeting place when I saw it [-little 'white lie' there-], and felt kind of confused about it. But I understand you and it's ok, no problem at all ! Can I call you tonight, or send you an email ?" (she told me before she can't access her email very often.) I think, if I say I was on my way to our meeting place, it'll quickly show that I am indeed interested. And I could be one of those guys who just doesn't do texts, like she doesn't like to speak on the phone. (-probably true of her, Chr8st8na. She does jumble her words.) 2) I call her, or send her an email, and explain in a calm manner my true thinking, explaining my confusion and my conclusion that she wasn't interested and therefore I decided to "save face" by not responding. But that I was (very) disappointed about it because I really thought we got on well and was truly looking forward to meeting her again. And that I would really like to meet her again, if she was up for it too. But if not, she can simply tell me so and I will leave her alone. That is my plan, ladies ! What do you think ?? ...the thing is, she works all day from 8am to 8pm she told me. So she can only receive a text now and take a call or read an email sometime at night after 8pm. (don't want to bother her with a call at work.) It is morning time over here in Germany right now, so please please ladies: HELP ME ! ..it's urgent !!! PS: I will never wait 3 days again to call a girl I like, and will take texts, etc. at face value until proven otherwise. That's a lesson learnt ! Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Well, I've just sent out a text to her, along the lines I described above. ..Now will have to see how she responds.. (Please God, be kind !!!) Link to comment
Kitten love Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I hope you sent 1) as 2) comes accross as really needy, although I appreciate what you are trying to do. Nothing to lose now, I hope she replies and keep us posted!! Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 I hope you sent 1) as 2) comes accross as really needy, although I appreciate what you are trying to do. Nothing to lose now, I hope she replies and keep us posted!! thanks for the feedback ! ..this is what I sent her precisely: (as a text message) " Hi X, sorry that I haven't answered your text until now. I was almost at the station yesterday when I saw your text and was quite confused about it at first. But it's no problem at all. I hope your cousin is well. If you'd like to I'd like to meet you on another day." (..sound alright ? ) sent it out about an hour ago, and no reply yet. But she might be busy working and of course want to think about it. I want to call her tonight if she hasn't responded until then. (Good plan, or not ? ..and what can I say: I'm only calling to see if she got my text and what she thinks about it ?) Cheers ! Link to comment
Kitten love Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Sounds good but it's easy to over compensate now.. So I would now leave the ball in her court and either email or call if you haven't heard from her by a couple of days time. You've made your feelings and intentions clear. Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 so that's how my text would be perceived.. I've made my intentions clear.. good !! will try not to overcompensate. ..got to keep some mystery I guess. ..but call or email by when then, not tonight ? ..give it a few days ? (last question, I promise ) btw, do you happen to be Asian or even Vietnamese ? (lots of them in Australia..) But hearing a woman's point of view is good enough in any case ! Link to comment
superfox Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Don't play the 3 day waiting text game, and don't lie about why you didn't respond. I hate liars and I hate Players. If you want to text then text. I would have not made further plans with a guy who dangled me for three days, in my experience I have always sent or recieved a 'thanks for a great date' text the second I or they got home. Call her tonight and ask her out properly. Link to comment
Kitten love Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I would wait a day or two, so she doesn't feel too suffocated.. Lol actually I'm a white Australian with Scottish heritage, probably couldn't get much further from your love interest lol but I spent a month in vietnam last year and they are quite shy people. And yes, as superfox suggested to text sooner, my current boyfriend texted me the night we met saying how he was thinking about me and couldn't wait to get to know me - and always texted the night of our dates (afterward), made me feel really special like he couldn't wait and put a nice little positive glow on our dates Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 ok, thanks. I want to call her for that. just wondered if it was appropriate in my situation. I really hate lying and playing too, and I'm very serious about her (in my heart at least) and not after games ! I only got paranoid bc I like her a lot, hence my behaviour. I'm looking for ways to make that up, get a chance to see her again, and after that not play again. Link to comment
BrowneyedMan Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 thanks for sharing, Kitten Love. ..God, puts me to shame.. Well, I'll know what to do in future ! I felt about her just like your boyfriend about you !!! but wasn't sure if she felt the same so I wanted to play it cool. I'll wait until tomorrow night about calling her then. (unless she replies earlier.) btw, Australia must be an awesome place, really want to visit there soon. Link to comment
Kitten love Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 You sound very sweet, I really hope your girl responds positively If it's any consolation I don't think you've irreparably damaged anything- if she likes you I think she'll respond and if she doesn't.. Well every dating experience is valuable isn't it Link to comment
Kitten love Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 And australia is beautiful - I just wanna see the rest of the world! Link to comment
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