mecastillo1987 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Been broken up for about a month. Break-up was my fault. But right now -- I'm a pathetic, emotional mess! Going on my second attempt of No Contact and on my 4th day. Came home today, and my sister said he had a new Facebook profile. (Mine was deactivated so I had no way of knowing.) I cheated on NC and looked at his new account to see for myself. It was on private. His old Facebook account was still there though, and with all our pictures. He hasn't deleted any of it yet. Why is he moving on this fast?! Why is this so easy for him? He just turned 26, and he's doing so many new things I can tell. He made a new website for his business, etc. Also, I said "Goodbye" 4 days ago via e-mail, when all he asked for was "space"... I feel like this is all my fault now! I thought I was doing so well, now I can't stop crying! The pain is too much to bear right now. I've been carrying this for the entire month -- day after day, night after night... It's excruciating! I'm tempted to text him and demand for a proper closure. My mind and my heart are screaming two different things! Link to comment
ID999 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 He is a person who has ignored you. You will NOT give him another chance to do that and hurt you. Delete him from your life. Trust me, it is doable. I am not going to say he needs space, you crowded him etc - bcos the focus is on YOU. YOU are hurting every time you reach out and he doesnt reach back out to you. YOU will not do this to yourself any more. YOU are on this forum, YOU deserve peace and kindness so YOU give it to yourself. DO NOT CONTACT HIM IN ANY WAY AT ALL. IF YOU DO YOU ARE MERELY HARMING YOURSELF. Link to comment
mecastillo1987 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 I love him so much... I wish I could just LET GO ALREADY... God this sucks!!! Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 My ex wanted space too, but i sensed it was to break-up. I dropped the, "no space, we are in a relationship, there shouldnt be space, especially not with the BS excuse you are giving me, just break up". She wanted this break up, they want this break up, if they didnt, they would fix their issue and never let it get this far. My ex also kept our pics, and in time she started to delete them. I dont blame myself for my break up at all. SPACE is still an issue, and it will lead to a break up, thats just some peoples way of slowing working their way to a break up, some believe its easier to leave someone this way, and some do the "space" thing for other deceptive reasons. No one comes out of left field saying they want space. If, for whatever reason i wanted space from a gf, and she got insecure to tell me to break up, i would tell her no, its not like that, to trust me and i would tell her very clearly that I love her and I dont want to leave her- its a very easy thing to do if you want to stay with the person you love. Link to comment
mecastillo1987 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 My ex wanted space too, but i sensed it was to break-up. I dropped the, "no space, we are in a relationship, there shouldnt be space, especially not with the BS excuse you are giving me, just break up". She wanted this break up, they want this break up, if they didnt, they would fix their issue and never let it get this far. My ex also kept our pics, and in time she started to delete them. I always had this at the back of my mind, and now it's hitting me harder than I feared it would... I'm thinking he REALLY needed some "space", and that I just got too impatient and finally said "Goodbye" after some month-long LC. Now THIS is what he does. Was it a mistake saying "Goodbye"? I feel like had I not said that, he would not have proceeded with trying to "move on"... I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him back. I want him back BADLY. Do both of us have to genuinely move on our own separate ways for a possible, successful reconciliation in the future? Am I over-thinking things? Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I always had this at the back of my mind, and now it's hitting me harder than I feared it would... I'm thinking he REALLY needed some "space", and that I just got too impatient and finally said "Goodbye" after some month-long LC. Now THIS is what he does. Was it a mistake saying "Goodbye"? I feel like had I not said that, he would not have proceeded with trying to "move on"... I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him back. I want him back BADLY. Do both of us have to genuinely move on our own separate ways for a possible, successful reconciliation in the future? Am I over-thinking things? He didnt reply to that goodbye, thats all the answers you need. One friend told me, YOU SHOULD HAVE GAVE HER HER SPACE THEN! I told this fool, we had our issues in the past, and I gave her her space, this was different, and even back then if I told her Id rather she just leave, she would have fought to stay and thats how I knew she really just needed space. Its a set up, if they arent fighting for you, then they wanted this break up. Just let time run its course and see what happens. But start to heal and fear the worse so it doesnt hit you hard if this really is the end. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I don't think that "space" necessarily means it's over...my now ex ex once asked me for "space" but i couldn't give it to him, i was needy and clingy, he asked for a few weeks and i kept callling him and even turned up at his house uninvited...tht didn't go down too well lol, my mind went in to panic mode see..and i thought he was gonna break up with me...he told me that was just the worst thing i could be doing.. he had his time alone and we got back together. You need to calm down, i know easier said than done but the only thing you're doing right now is pushing him further away. I know it i've done it so many times... loulou x Link to comment
mecastillo1987 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 I just hate it when some people use "space" as a polite let-down. Sometimes it's best to plunge the knife, and twist it -- that way it'll stick and really make a mark. Morbid, but it's more humane in the long run. Link to comment
cherylca Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Please do not get in touch with him. If i knew he would respond and say "i want u back" i would tell u 2 go 4 it but the liklyhood is that he won't send anything back and u feel feel a lot worse than u do now. Stay strong. This pain won't last 4 ever Link to comment
jeepman41 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Ask yourself this..do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has clearly demonstrated he does not want to be with you? Link to comment
mecastillo1987 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Ask yourself this..do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has clearly demonstrated he does not want to be with you? True, but for some reason -- I keep justifying this with the fact that I REALLY hurt this guy. I didn't cheat on him, but he was emotionally worn out after all our non-healthy fighting. I don't see it as a dead-end though, because there is always hope... Or perhaps I'm in denial he truly, no longer wants to be with me. Link to comment
ID999 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 True, but for some reason -- I keep justifying this with the fact that I REALLY hurt this guy. I didn't cheat on him, but he was emotionally worn out after all our non-healthy fighting. I don't see it as a dead-end though, because there is always hope... Or perhaps I'm in denial he truly, no longer wants to be with me. Please listen. Please. Emotional wearing out in a relationship is not a one-sided thing like emoitonal or physical Abuse - he was not a passive recipient as you stood and unleashed your brickbats at him. When we care for each other and somehow one person wants something the other just cannot give, both are worn out because there is emotional turmoil. In this case, there was turmoil and he ended things. You too are worn out, are you not? Of course you are. So stop blaming yourself - as you know desperation, anger, guilt - these all happen after break ups. The bottomline is this - please, please, please accept it - "I will not give any one the opportunity to ignore me. I will not reach out when I am not being responded to. I will NOT allow anybody the tremdnous power to reduce me to tears by doing - nothing. I will NOT let anyone be in a position where all it takes for them to reduce me to agony is SILENCE. I will not be that person. Not for a parent, not for a friend, not for a partner, not for anyone". As i have said before - I will not be a person to say - give him space, poor him etc. I do not know him. Our concern on this forum is about YOU. YOU need the support and YOU asked for it. Contacting a person who has to do nothing to hurt you except being silent - will scar you. Please, do not be scarred. It takes longer to heal than you will ever imagine. Link to comment
mecastillo1987 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 "I will not give any one the opportunity to ignore me. I will not reach out when I am not being responded to. I will NOT allow anybody the tremdnous power to reduce me to tears by doing - nothing. I will NOT let anyone be in a position where all it takes for them to reduce me to agony is SILENCE. I will not be that person. Not for a parent, not for a friend, not for a partner, not for anyone". I read this five times over. Thank you, ID999... Reflecting for the past 5 hours made me realize I truly need to let go. The hardest part of this is NOT expecting anything in return. I also keep looking over the fact that I need to work on myself and get myself back to how I was before I became that emotionally worn-out, mistrusting and angry girlfriend I once was. I was never that. I know it may take a while for him to see this or realize this, since he's angry and hurt still... But... only time will answer for everything, I guess. Link to comment
EgoJoe Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Sometimes space really is just space. Not defending him or others who have said or done it. I don't understand the thinking because I'm a pursuer and I'm ok, at ease and prefer conflict, action and working towards resolution. Some of Al Turtle's writings put it into perspective for me and so I get it that way and people react in a manner consistent with their behavioral patterns which stems from many other factors. That being said, I echo the sentiment of others. We're here to focus on you. Please start letting go and distancing emotionally so that you can heal no matter what happens in the future. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Hon, this will be blunt, and may upset you more, but I'm going to ask you one very important question. You said the reason for him breaking up with you was your verbal abuse/tantrums. What have you done to ensure things would be different if he was interested in another chance? And I don't mean having a talk with yourself, and acknowledging that you were wrong, and can see where you were wrong. Your emotions were controlling you then. And they're controlling you NOW. You don't want a situation where you would hurt this guy again. And you don't want a situation where you'd ultimately end up hurting yourself again, either. Your tantrums and lack of control were hurting YOU as well as him. Every time you saw the result, you mentally beat yourself up for it. You're in enough pain. You don't need that. Do NOT hit send. Keep posting in the no contact thread, keep posting in the NC thread, but do not start contacting him after only 4 days. All he would potentially see from this is a girl who is still letting her emotions overrule her words. You said "goodbye" and didn't get a response. You said you'd give him his space. Take a firm hold of yourself and stop beating yourself up. Start rebuilding. Set yourself just ONE thing to accomplish tonight, even if it's washing your hair, and follow through with it. It's all about you now and who you want to be. Link to comment
mecastillo1987 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 You said the reason for him breaking up with you was your verbal abuse/tantrums. What have you done to ensure things would be different if he was interested in another chance? And I don't mean having a talk with yourself, and acknowledging that you were wrong, and can see where you were wrong. I know remorse is the first step. So I grieved for four weeks straight, trying to go through what happened in the relationship OVER and OVER again. It even got to the point where I thought so lowly of myself with all the regret. It all began with trust issues, and the fights just kept getting worse when certain buttons were pushed. More than talking to myself though, I've gone through counseling with a clinical psychologist and plan to continue the entire month. I also plan on going to a spiritual retreat next week and disconnecting myself from everything for 3 days straight. No phones. No nothing. Your emotions were controlling you then. And they're controlling you NOW. You don't want a situation where you would hurt this guy again. And you don't want a situation where you'd ultimately end up hurting yourself again, either. Your tantrums and lack of control were hurting YOU as well as him. Every time you saw the result, you mentally beat yourself up for it. You're in enough pain. You don't need that. I agree. Meyers Briggs says I'm an INFP. I'm ultimately a FEELER in most things, and my emotions run me as a person... I always saw this as a good thing, but I'm guessing in this relationship I was in, it wasn't. It just pains me to see that it all had to end, and I won't be given another chance to make it up to him and tell him how sorry I am. I've given up on the fact that the relationship is over. However, I haven't given up on the fact that the love is completely gone. Perhaps in time, it will erode. But learning to strike the balance between hoping, yet finally letting go as well is hard. I'm on my 5th day of No Contact, and I'm trying to get through each day without texting him, calling him, e-mailing him, etc. I know they are futile attempts, but I just wish it didn't have to hurt so bad. But thank you for the advice, Mesemene. I really appreciate it. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 It sounds like you have a solid working plan - and kudos to you for seeking counseling, it's not an easy step. That retreat sounds WONDERFUL. Now it's just getting through hour by hour, then day by day. You'll have setbacks, it's the nature of the beast unfortunately, but it will get easier. And three days without even the temptation is a superb idea!!! Link to comment
mecastillo1987 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 Yes, and obviously... I think I still have a long way to go since I can't stop thinking of the time when HE'LL notice these changes, and hopefully want to take me back... It's like I'm proving myself worthy even though I know I have to focus on MYSELF, and be happy with just seeing myself grow into the person I eventually want to become. Why do my hopes keep shifting towards him? Link to comment
BlueRose66 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Your hopes keep shifting towards him because your heart hasnt closed yet. When we love someone else and they love us, there is a mutual flow of energy. It is going to take time to close off your heart to him. Right now you are broken hearted. The pain is unbearable, I know. You are not alone, we are with you. Its just going to take time.. get through each day. Try to turn the love for him back towards yourself. It is hard adjusting to being single again. It is still very raw and new for you. Make sure you eat properly. I have lost over 10 pounds. Take vitamins if you can and go walking in a peaceful place. Visit this forum again and again if you need to. It has helped me a lot. Be prepared for difficult sleeping and dreams as your subconsious mind releases. If you can, take a bath before bed and play soothing music... Be very good to yourself. One day this will be behind you, you will heal, promise. Hugs Link to comment
mecastillo1987 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Thanks BlueRose66... Yes, I've become obsessed with this forum. Sometimes desperately seeking for reconciliation stories... Even bookmarked most of the good No Contact articles by SuperDave71. There are just some nights (like last night) where I find myself on the floor, just crying my eyes out. The pain is unbearable, you're right. The memories appear like flashbacks and sometimes it feels like I'd rather just be in a coma, so that I feel completely nothing. I too, have lost 10 pounds, after the break-up and people around me notice this constantly. I've prepared a big calendar where I cross out the days I was successful at NC, and time has never gone by slower. It's my 7th day of NC, and I can honestly say it just doesn't get any easier. I allow myself to be vulnerable to people and close friends, but even some of the truest homies get burnt out. I know he's focused on himself now. He made a separate Facebook account which I'm blocked from, and is (I'm assuming) slowly moving his friends from his old account to his new one. Knowing him, I know he's decided to let me go completely. But for some reason, I keep believing the love is NOT gone. And he's only struggling just as much as I am. I just want to feel numb already. After this week, my friends have planned an out-of-town trip, and I plan to go on another spiritual retreat after that. I know I'm all I've got right now, but hopefully I will learn to love me again... more than I love him... Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Go through the stages of hurt and pain, its all expected. In a week I was a wreck, I still look back at myself with pity, and the sadness that remains is the thought that I can love someone that much to be in that state, and they would still leave me. It will seem like every week has a theme to it, one week of believing you were wrong, another week of anger, etc. It will get better, we all doubt it will. Just dont linger on false hope, and dont put your ex on a pedestal, these things can extend your hurt. Link to comment
mecastillo1987 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Day 7 Had no choice but to stay in today... and it was really, REALLY bad. I don't recall not bawling every two hours, unless I was sleeping. I have a throbbing head-ache, and my heart just hurts. "Help yourself!" I keep hearing myself say. "Stay strong!" but I just keep getting swallowed back into the black hole of negativity. Ugh. I miss him so badly. My mind won't stop going back to the memories that made me so happy with him. It will seem like every week has a theme to it, one week of believing you were wrong, another week of anger, etc. It will get better, we all doubt it will. Just dont linger on false hope, and dont put your ex on a pedestal, these things can extend your hurt. Week 5 has just begun since the BU. God I hope I survive this... "Don't linger on false hope" "Don't put ex on a pedestal" I've clawed my brains out time and time again just memorizing and studying * * * * for law school. But after this experience, I realize that NOTHING is more challenging than doing those two things! I'd rather teach a chimpanzee some algebra. I just want to stop being strong sometimes. I'm tired and wanna just quit already. I mean, there are some days I'm okay. I wake up, don't cry, and go about my daily routine like it was just any other ordinary day. Blah. But days like today... Wow. I'd seriously rather die. (I know that sounds sad and pathetic, but the pain just creeps up on you and next thing you know you're paralyzed.) But thanks Thorshammer. I'll keep that in mind. How I wish I could fast-forward time. I wonder if he feels the exact same way and goes through what I go though. Link to comment
Hastyhand Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Yesterday I celebrated one month of NC with candles and cake! It felt good. YOu will get there! Get yourself the book "Getting Past Your Breakup" By Susan J. Elliott (If you PM me I can send you the PDF) It will have a guide on your NC and grief! Link to comment
mecastillo1987 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Yesterday I celebrated one month of NC with candles and cake! It felt good. YOu will get there! Get yourself the book "Getting Past Your Breakup" By Susan J. Elliott (If you PM me I can send you the PDF) It will have a guide on your NC and grief! Wow. This is inspiring! I can actually picture myself going down to Red Ribbon and getting myself one on November 8. *crossing fingers* Thanks Hastyhand. PMed you already. Link to comment
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