Desperate, Crying, and About to Press the Send Button

[Joanne19852010]

I'm in kind of the same situation...we split up four weeks ago and he has moved on..i was txting him until yesterday when he asked me too stop so now i have but he shouldn't of had to ask me i think that makes it worse...for both of us...i started sending txts to my sister instead of what i wanted to say to him and then just told her to delete it...we still have to see each other at the moment but hopefully after next tuesday i can break all contact and move on...please don't txt him...he knows you want to talk to him and if he wanted to talk to you he would txt you first...i know this now, just send the txts to a friend or relative instead.

[Mesemene]

That's an approach I never thought of! And if you have a friend or relative who will let you do this, it sounds like a great idea.

[Joanne19852010]

I know...i think it helps you if someone else knows what your thinking aswell....I'm not in a great place myself so i don't feel that comfortable about giving advice but i do know that this is an option to stop txting him.

[mecastillo1987]

Day 22

 

Had a heart-to-heart conversation with my father... which meant a lot to me. He was very supportive of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, and felt sad it ended the way it did. I didn't hear the things I wanted to hear... but needed to hear. And I've never cried so hard again in my room after our talk.

 

I asked him "When people leave you, do they come back or even consider coming back?"

He said, "Only when they've come to the realization of what they've lost... But this isn't always the norm."

"Do you think Z is part of the norm?"

"My gut feeling says 'Yes.'"

 

He basically told me to carry on with my life, learn from my mistakes and live life better... Like what everyone says.

 

I've been doing just about EVERYTHING to take my mind off him and focus on myself. But the guilt kills. It's different when you were the one who * * * * ed up. It's different when you try to wade through the waters with the heaviness of remorse. And deep inside, I still pray for the miracle of reconciliation. I want soooo badddly to be with this man. He was my everything -- and nearing 2 months after the relationship, I still feel all the love I had inside for him.

 

I just want another chance I know I can't have, and the pain is too much to bear...

[mecastillo1987]

Day 23

 

Woke up today with one of the strongest pangs of heartache. I literally had to sit up from bed and immediately contacted my for-emergency friend to cry to her. I miss him so much and keep praying for the day we get to talk again...

 

I feel like I'm seriously mentally demented. It's already been 23 days and here I am, still thinking of him for what seems like... EVERY PASSING SECOND.

 

My therapist says this is bound to happen. Just let yourself feel the pain and know it too, shall pass.

 

Sometimes I just wish there was some form of anesthesia for this kind of torture. All this mental willpower talk takes too much strength and struggle. Sigh.

 

Just venting.

[mecastillo1987]

Day 25 of NC

 

I want to contact his most trusted friend through Facebook... I cut all communication with our common friends, because I know they will favor his side more than they will favor me. My ex told me of this fact when we last spoke over a month ago. I just want to ask how my ex-boyfriend is doing... Perhaps knowing he's moved on completely or is dating someone will help me move on? The silence kills me after all these times we spent together.

 

Is this still considered contact?

[Mesemene]

Yup, it is. Sorry In a way, it's worse - it's like FB - the temptation for a glimpse into what he might be thinking is hard to resist - but odds are, he has some thoughts private even from friends. So you'd just be getting their spin on things anyways - and it could well make you feel worse.

[mecastillo1987]

Yup, it is. Sorry In a way, it's worse - it's like FB - the temptation for a glimpse into what he might be thinking is hard to resist - but odds are, he has some thoughts private even from friends. So you'd just be getting their spin on things anyways - and it could well make you feel worse.

 

Thank you, Mesemene... Struggling with no word from him is so hard. I've been crying all morning. Just when I thought I was starting to get a hold of things. I miss him terribly.

[TomboyMS]

Mesemene is right. Knowing is usually worse than not knowing.

[Mesemene]

I also see one of the problems as this:

 

Most guys want to appear suave, together, and self-confident and happy even to their mates. (Seriously, even in this "enlightened" day, there's still a lot of guys who don't want to be caught crying in their beer, so to speak.)

 

Most girls want to appear compassionate, sympathetic, and in some cases, dramatic for attention, to their friends. (After all, how many girls, unless they're one of the "mean girls" type, will brag "I stayed the last 3 months with Billy, but honestly, I was just waiting to break up, cause I'm hot for David." Much better to get a bit of sympathy with the "I didn't want to, but things just weren't working, I can't help worrying *brave tear trickles*")

 

And no, I'm not saying people sit and calculate this type of deception, but upbringing gives us all an expectation to live up to. And most of us don't want to look bad in front of our peers.

 

So they can say and do things that don't reflect what they're feeling at ALL. Not only do you get completely hurtful information - sometimes it's the WRONG hurtful information and can lead to things like having expectations, or even someone seeming to give mixed signals and more torment.

 

It's best, unless they contact you with obvious interest at reconciling, to stay out of the stewpot.

[mecastillo1987]

 

And no, I'm not saying people sit and calculate this type of deception, but upbringing gives us all an expectation to live up to. And most of us don't want to look bad in front of our peers.

 

So they can say and do things that don't reflect what they're feeling at ALL. Not only do you get completely hurtful information - sometimes it's the WRONG hurtful information and can lead to things like having expectations, or even someone seeming to give mixed signals and more torment.

 

It's best, unless they contact you with obvious interest at reconciling, to stay out of the stewpot.

 

I suppose you're right. My ex is a very private person despite having a very community-based career. It's just that I know he has a VERY few close friends he trusts and confides with honestly... He calls this one guy his accountability partner (which in the Christian world means the one who'll help keep you out of trouble.) I was banking on the fact that such partner wouldn't mind telling me the truth as to how my ex was doing/feeling/carrying himself...

 

I guess knowing absolutely nothing is better than knowing something that could possibly be tainted with bias or inaccuracy.

 

I just wish I knew for sure that sometime in the future, my ex and I could talk things out... It's been almost two months and I get so scared at the thought of him drifting and floating away forever.

[mecastillo1987]

It's been a little over 2 months, and I just discovered that my mother has been keeping in touch with my ex-boyfriend via e-mail. This has been going on for about the last two weeks. She only opened up about it to me tonight. She really likes my ex-boyfriend for me, and though I know it may have been a bad move, I know my mom was only trying to be a mom.

 

Their last two e-mails went like this:

 

This was from my mom on November 7

 

Zee,

 

I sincerely appreciate your response to my email. I missed hearing about you from Elly and thought of sending you an email. I am glad that you are doing fine in your Middle East tour. Uncle Bert and I will be in Manila by December and we will be passing by Malaysia on our way to Manila.

 

Zee, I want to take this opportunity to thank you for loving and taking care of my daugther Elly and I sincerely apologize for what had happened. She told me everything and I could only extend our apologies for the hurt she caused you. And for whatever the future holds, I want you to remain a close friend to us. We will keep our door open for you at all time. Take Care... Enjoy your trip... Advanced merry christmas... Greetings to your parents... and God Bless. Keep in touch.

 

Sincerely,

 

Aunt Thelma

 

 

This was his last e-mail in response to that:

 

 

 

Dear Tita Thelma,

 

I'm very warmed by your email. Your words are comforting. I want to take this time to also thank you for being kind to me and for accepting me like I was a member of the family. I'm also very sorry for what had happened. I have my faults and shortcomings. I also would like to extend to you my apologies.

 

Advanced Merry Christmas too. May you have a fruitful and blessed holidays with the family at home.

 

Your friend,

 

Zee

 

 

I don't know how I should feel about all this. Obviously, I'm still hoping deep inside for reconciliation. Although I've been doing a pretty good job in trying to heal and move on... Is there no chance of reconciliation now? I've been going NC for more than a month now... but I really do love and miss him still.

[italiannmf24]

If he's simply asked for space, just give it to him. Overreacting, overanalyzing and rethinking everything will not help you in any way, shape or form.

 

Just keep calm, keep doing the things you love outside the relationship and keep working on yourself.

 

Stay in No Contact; it's the best possible option you have right now.

[TomboyMS]

If he's simply asked for space, just give it to him. Overreacting, overanalyzing and rethinking everything will not help you in any way, shape or form.

 

Just keep calm, keep doing the things you love outside the relationship and keep working on yourself.

 

Stay in No Contact; it's the best possible option you have right now.

 

I agree. What mom is doing probably isn't helping matters.

[mecastillo1987]

I know, I can't help read into his last e-mail because it's the last form of indirect contact with him...

 

It shot me back somehow (first time I cried in two weeks), but now I can't help but wonder if there's still any hope for reconciliation? It took him 4 days to reply to this e-mail. I know him well enough to know he was taking time thinking of "WHAT" to reply.

 

Or is this the end of the road for us? I'm moving on (definitely), but I'm still very much hoping for us to get back together.

[Nick Lansing]

I know, I can't help read into his last e-mail because it's the last form of indirect contact with him...

 

It shot me back somehow (first time I cried in two weeks), but now I can't help but wonder if there's still any hope for reconciliation? It took him 4 days to reply to this e-mail. I know him well enough to know he was taking time thinking of "WHAT" to reply.

 

Or is this the end of the road for us? I'm moving on (definitely), but I'm still very much hoping for us to get back together.

 

That's such a polite but generic response that it's pretty much impossible to read anything into it. It's driving you crazy trying to parse his email -- I've been there. I definitely wouldn't look at that as any signal he wants to reconcile though.

[mecastillo1987]

Broken up for almost 3 months. NC going strong for almost 2 months.

 

I've been doing much better. Been praying everyday, trying to keep myself busy with a lot of grad-school work, going out of town, losing weight, taking care of my looks, and hanging out with friends. Occasionally, I would have the depression attacks and cry in bed for a good hour so, but it's not as bad as it used to be.

 

Anyway, my friend texted me earlier today to tell me she saw my ex this morning. He was walking with two friends, and ordering something in a coffee shop with them. She described him as gaining a lot of weight, and looking very haggard.

 

Did this affect me? Yes, I think so. I had no urge to text him or anything, (...okay, well maybe a little.) But I was really concerned about him. I didn't know if it made me feel good to see I wasn't the only one looking/feeling miserable -- but then again, who's to say all that is because of me right?

 

I'm a little confused about my feelings at the moment.

 

Do I want him back? Yes.

Do I still love him? Yes.

Do I want a relationship soon? A new one, yes! But it depends on how much we've healed.

Do I want us to talk in the near future about possible closure or reconciliation? MORE THAN EVER!

 

Should I do NC for 3 months? Or 6 months? Or forever?

[Nick Lansing]

I don't think you should contact him at this point. You're still too emotionally vulnerable. Shoot for a couple more months at least. He knows how you feel, and he hasn't forgotten you. And he knows how to reach you. Stay the course.

 

Regarding his appearance: it's funny, that's been my experience too. It goes to show that the dumper ABSOLUTELY goes through emotional turmoil after a breakup... whether they admit it or not, or show it on facebook or any of that. Maybe they can bury it for a while, but if you cut someone out of your life whom you once loved, it has to have an effect.

 

It's so weird, but I have found, based on my experience and that of others, that very often the dumpee ends up in a better place, in the long run, than the dumper... a least where the breakup wasn't caused by abuse, cheating, etc. Maybe it's because the dumper feels like his/her problems are fixed by cutting the dumpee loose, whereas the dumpee has to do some soul-searching, and has an incentive to make improvements in his/her life.

[mecastillo1987]

Thanks, Nick. I really appreciate your constant replies here and there.

 

As far as being emotionally vulnerable goes -- I've really been trying to move on. I've been wiping out all traces of hope within myself, especially since I know my grave faults and shortcomings in the relationship. Sometimes though, I feel as if to really be able to move on it's important that I get "closure". I know a lot of people have been saying on ENA that only YOU can give yourself closure. It's not something you can always get from you ex.

 

For some reason though, since our (my ex and I) last talk was just filled with so much anger, passion and emotion; I feel as if we owe the relationship a good talk (either over coffee, the phone, etc.) over what exactly went wrong, and if it would be best to keep moving on or get back together. I guess that's why I keep wondering for how long I should stay in NC, and if I should initiate it. I also want to BADLY show him how much I've changed and grown...

 

As to his appearance, I have this weird feeling I'd like to see it for myself. I'm not so sure whether my friend was just exaggerating or... just trying to make me feel better. (Though I know she was telling the truth) But I know that's just the skeptic in me talking. Which I guess is a good thing -- because yesterday's incident has been giving me a little hope. Hope in thinking he's miserable, and probably misses me, and probably wants to come back... The skepticism blocks all of that away somehow.

 

I don't know how to NOT obsess about these small things.

[Nick Lansing]

Remember that obsessing about those small things (while normal) isn't good for you, and the sooner you stop the better off you'll be. Right now it's comforting to obsess (been there), but so is eating junk food, smoking cigarettes or geting drunk (raises hand) to other people... and those aren't healthy habits.

 

I think it's human nature to be selfish, especially in times of personal crisis, and right now you seem to be focused on YOUR closure, your feelings about the relationship, your desire to talk about it more and possibly reconcile. The thing is, HE doesn't want to discuss any of those things, he's already made his decision, and it behooves you to respect his wishes here. Leave him alone. Give him time and space to calm down and figure things out on his own. If you contact him now and demand to have a relationship talk, it will most likely A) annoy the crap out of him, B) make him think you're selfish, C) make you look pathetic, and D) postpone your healing (whether you realize it or not).

 

I would suggest writing him a long letter and NOT SENDING IT. Maybe that will help you work through thigs and find closure. But trying to get it from him... even if he did talk to you for several hours, he might not be truthful, and/or he might not really know the answers himself. People can break up with people for any number of reasons, not always good ones. It may have nothing to do with you. My point is that, there's no guarantee even a lengthy heart-to-heart will give you any closure, and it's far more likely to drive him farther away and delay your healing.

 

One other thing, I'm sure it's happened, but I've never known a situation where the dumpee talks the dumper into taking him/her back after a real breakup, no matter how persuasive they are. However, I've seen it happen many times that the dumper decides on his or her own, without any pressure from the dumpee, after a decent interval of time has passed for calm, unpressured reflection (usually a few months at least), to give the dumpee another chance.

[TessaB]

This last page has been so helpful to me today! Mecastillo...I'm going through something very similar, and little less time (broken up for a month after 2 year relationship...NC, expect for once at the beginning for the whole time), but working on myself, doing things for me, still crying some, but getting better, and the occasional hearing things about my ex like you did. And, I feel that same confusion and the questions you ask I am asking myself! Anyway, just wanted to commend you for your good job, working on you and trying to move on (even though you don't want to...) It is so hard and I'm dealing with it everyday too! Thinking about the little things is so hard not to do. Let me know if you find any good tips! I feel like I've been doing some great thinking and soul-searching and all I want to do is his him know that....but for now, I guess it's better to just know it myself and be strong!

 

Nick, your reponses have been great as well and really really helpful!

[mecastillo1987]

Thanks Nick, those two paragraphs really did it for me.

 

I wasn't aware of the selfishness in wanting to converse with my ex about the break-up. For some reason, I believe now that dumpees naturally operate on this sense of urgency when more time is spent apart from their exes. There's that dire need and wanting to save something - like in an hour glass; the more time runs out, the more impossible it seems to save what "was".

 

Today, because of the news I got from my friend, I decided (for the first time in over a month) to check his Facebook account out of curiosity and concern. A couple clicks here and there, I realized he did, in fact, have a new profile which he blocked me from. I got very hurt by this and cried again. (ENA should be waving its big "I told you so" finger at me) Also, his company website wrote that his unfinished project has officially closed down. Knowing him though, I am pretty sure he's working very hard at getting it back up. I put myself in his shoes for a minute, and finally learned to breathe deep and respect his silent wishes.

 

Perhaps I am the least of his concerns. But I'm pretty set on walking forward now. I know it's time for me to focus on myself more than ever. I've deleted my old Facebook account, and made a new one. My parents are flying in today for the holidays and I am happy about the new diversion I was desperately in need of. At the back of my mind, I will always love him. But now I understand it so much more that it's all up to him... his pace... his healing... and his time. My friends have told me I may greet him on Christmas, but now I actually feel the fear of getting hurt in doing that.

[mecastillo1987]

Hey, thank you for letting me know I'm not in this alone too. Give yourself a pat on the back for hanging strong this past one month. I know I barely survived mine. My therapist even told me that I was the heartbroken type that felt "EMPTINESS", which was a higher form of pain compared to the average Joe experiencing loneliness. I was stripped completely of everything -- passion and interest for what I did, my friends and even my family was completely gone. I couldn't function right, and literally felt that pain in my chest every time I thought of him. I even had suicidal thoughts. I felt I lost "the one" with my stupid anger and insecurity issues, and still feel the same up to today. Hell, I would even cry on the FLOOR -- swimming in my snot and all (lol), constantly hitting rock bottom for the first month. But I had gotten better in dealing with it.

 

How? I learned to embrace the pain. I let myself 'feel' it. I'm naturally a very emotional person, and when the sadness hit me, I would just let it. Crying it out would help me feel lighter after, and I would convince myself that it too would pass. I'm also quite spiritual, so I pray when I feel at my weakest. I literally picture God chiseling me painfully, trusting that I will be a better person after each episode. In time, the crying will shorten... and come at lesser intervals. Acknowledge that it will pass.

 

Also, I would distract myself as much as I could. I opened myself up to the world and tried to have this new appetite for life. I'd do the craziest things to keep my mind busy: watch the discovery channel, text someone just to say hi, curl my hair, play an online game, re-arrange my closet, watch 1950 Tom and Jerry episodes, look for split-ends (lol), etc. These simple things slowly evolved into bigger things. I would then be able to go to the mall by myself, eat at a restaurant by myself, get my hair done, go to the gym, and even talk to men more often. It was the HARDEST THING I EVER HAD TO FORCE MYSELF TO DO. Sometimes, I would cry in the car for a good five minutes before walking out. But keeping yourself busy is one of the most crucial steps to healing. From time to time, the setbacks would come. The thought of the ex would just naturally creep its way back into your head... I felt like I thought of him 70-90% of the time, EVERYDAY. Hell, I even dreamt of him all the time. Then the obsessing happens. There are too many memories. Sometimes I would even wince at the triggers which seemed everywhere. But I always think to myself, "Look. If you two were meant to be, it will be." But for the more helpless times, I either phone the airbag friend or two (it's also important you have someone listen to you), or I come online to forums like this.

 

Surround yourself with people who care. Keep yourself in a nourishing environment. For the longest time in law school, I practically had no social life with my peers because I was in my live-in relationship. I was always in a hurry rushing to school and always on a hurry rushing back home to him. So when the break-up happened, it was a miracle that my true friends caught me. For the first time in years, I cried to my sister. I also got closer with my brother who I never had bonding time with. Surround yourself with your family and friends... A good, supportive community will always be helpful in the healing process.

 

Change for the better also. It takes two to make a relationship fail. For my part, I realized I had brought in so much baggage from my more previous relationships which led to the deterioration of my last one. I was not myself -- I was jaded, hurt, untrusting and always causing drama. I made sure I wouldn't be like that in the next relationship. I made sure I sought validation ONLY from myself, the healthy way - with the honesty of my actions and the honesty of my words. I sought counseling, I read up on some self-help books, I prayed more, and I didn't focus too much on dating. I wasn't whole yet -- so I needed to find myself again and be complete FIRST. Alll I need to do now is quit smoking, lol.

 

I hope this helps somehow. Good luck with the following days to come. You're not alone. We WILL get through this.

 

(I should keep reading this over and over again in the next couple of days) Haha!

[Nick Lansing]

Thanks Nick, those two paragraphs really did it for me.

 

I wasn't aware of the selfishness in wanting to converse with my ex about the break-up. For some reason, I believe now that dumpees naturally operate on this sense of urgency when more time is spent apart from their exes. There's that dire need and wanting to save something - like in an hour glass; the more time runs out, the more impossible it seems to save what "was".

 

.

 

I feel you about this. I'm the same way. I hold on to the letters, the gifts, the text messages from the relationship... the clothes I wore during special times, the notes she wrote... like theyre religious relics almost I've learned to put at stuff away though. Not throw it away, but put it away in a box.

 

I know you mean "things" figuratively too. I hold onto the memories in the same way. It reminds me that the relationship did in fact exist, it wasn't just something I dreamt or read about... I go over the calendar dates we did things... I find that stuff comforting but at some point you have to put that stuff aside. I'm a very sentimental guy I guess.

 

ANYWAY, what I've learned is: your ex will not forget you. No matter what, you were a big part of your ex's life, you're in that rarified company of people that he loved and who loved him. He may have pushed you to the backburner of his mind, but you haven't been forgotten. You'll have a special place in his heart always. I'm a lot older than you and I know this to be true from experience.

 

So try not to look at this as an urgent situation. You're both alive. He won't forget you. No need to keep reminding him of your presence. He clearly doesn't want to be reminded it of it right now (as evidenced by his FB block). Yes, he may meet someone else, may fall in love, and that's his prerogative, but he won't forget you.

 

And for what it's worth, it sounds like he's going through some things, so it seems extraordinarily unlikely he will meet and fall in love with and marry someone anytime soon. Be patient, heal up, rest secure in the knowledge this is the best thing you can be doing for purposes of reconciliation AND for moving on permanently, if that's where your destiny leads. Action (having anything to do with him) can only hurt you here. You seem like a type A person, so this probably seems counterintuitive, but this is one time where it is best to do do nothing.

 

And don't worry, he won't forget you.

[TessaB]

I worry about him forgetting too or just moving on so fast. But, I have to remember he's human too and shouldn't be on any higher level and unless he is totally uncaring with no heart (in which case why would I want to be with him) then he will not forget, there are still some memories, especially after so long.

 

Thanks for the tips on what you do. It sounds so similar, in all ways. I've had the on all fours breakdown as well. And, I've done a lot of stuff for me, books, journal, working out, arts and crafts, praying as well!

 

It's so hard to grasp that this person you thought you'd be with, and at one point he felt the same way, has decided you're not that good and he can leave.

 

Here's my story by the way....

 

My boyfriend of just about 2 years broke up with me about a month ago. We're both in our 30s. We talked once after which didn't make a difference, saw each other out a few times and just said hi and went on our ways. Other than that, no contact. We still have some of each other's stuff. No one has brought that up yet.

 

He broke up with me to the shock of myself and others and said his feelings weren't there and he didn't think he wanted to work on it. I couldn't get more than that. Even that day was normal, we talked, we kissed.

 

We had a great relationship. I feel like at the 2 year point where we were starting to talk about good things, things to work on and the future, he gave up. I was, and he was at some point in the relationship, thinking we'd be together forever. It left me asking if I had been lied to throughout and even up to a week before the breakup when he said he wanted to be with me and work on things. Was it me? Him? Was he just letting me down easy?

 

I've heard he's fine, sad, busy through friends that know him. I have gone away, tried new things, kept busy at work, exercised. It's still hard and sad. How did this all happen? The whatifs always are in my head.