cherylca Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I met my ex shortly after my father died. I was not in a good place and very insecure. I had issues about him going on nights out as i always felt he was going to leave me. If i ever rang him whilst he was out he would switch his phone off which would make me more anxious and i would send him hurtful messages. He never complimented me or made me feel like he thought i was attractive and he would constantly buy lads mags which made me feel worse. I don't feel bad about my looks btw. I just felt unattractve to him. We often got on ok but when we didn't he would turn his phone off sometimes for up to a week. We decided to move in together and he gave up his almost derilict home to live with me. I got promoted and it all went pear shaped i was very stressed and shouted a lot about housework and garden not getting done etc. If we had an argument he would often leave and not come back til the next day. I would be ill with worry and feel physically sick. in the end the arguing got worse because of me and he left. He is now living at his mams and has told me he wont be coming back although we still see each other he said it will never result in us living together again. So what do i do i am living in the mess that i created. I love him and i want what we had togrther again He was out last night and said he would ring when he got home. I never suggested that he did. but he never rang and when i rang him his phone was off and yes i started with the hurtful messages . Please help me i know its all my doing but i think i am going to crack up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Your going to have to prove you can control your temper and not blow him up. I think your on probation. Hey, at least it's not a break-up. Link to comment
cherylca Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Yeah maybe. Who knows.Think he has just got what he wanted all along to have his cake and eat it. He is quite happy living at his mams and seeing me when he says and feels like it Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 you got to keep your insecurities in check and stop immediately with the hurtful messages every time he doesn't pick up....have your own life, show him you can be independent, show him you can be the person he fell in love with and stop with the clingy behavior cause if you keep this up you will drive him away for good....if ever i am angry or hurt or frustrated i do write the message or put it on paper but i NEVER send it, that way you do get the feelings out and you won't unnecassarily hurt the other person, for me this helped keep my insecurities in check and i never bother my bf with them, and never hurt him...because i know you regret those messages later right? wish you didn't send them? well then do write them but don't send them...and maybe talk to him about why you are so anxious, explain it to him cause now you might come off as clingy and maybe if he knows where you are coming from and can understand you it will benefit the relationship.. communication and understanding each oter is key Link to comment
cherylca Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 I know what your saying is right but he has known about my insecurities for five years now and he has never done anything to help me with them. we talked about the switching the phone off thing and he said he understood and he wouldn't do it again but he has. Its not like i try to ring him all the time i rang him once at 12pm and it was off and it is still off now and probably will be for the rest of the day. Its like he knows what it does but he wont stop doing it. He only sees and speaks to me when he feels like it. I never arrange a day its always him and i now wait til he contacts me majority of the time. I feel like a puppet on a string Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 i get how that must feel, maybe now stop contacting him and if he calls don't pick up,switch off your phone now, let him feel how it feels! i bet he won't like it!! i would give him a taste of his own medicin, i am not one for playing games ever, but if it has been 5 years and he won't even try to understand or do something to change then clearly he doesn't feel the need to change, maybe by doing it to him he'll understand it better....so ignore him now for a while, cause he knows he can do this sort of thing cause you're always there waiting, and now by ignoring him and not send hurtful messages, cause that is still a form of attention, maybe it will send a proper message...i do feel for you though! Link to comment
cherylca Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Thank you Sara this sounds like a plan although i have done this b4 and he didnt seem to care if i spoke to him or not Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 then stick with it....and if he really doesn't care then maybe he is just not right for you and has not the same feelings as you do, otherwise he wouldn't treat you like that....good luck! Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Read this... i've been reading it for the last few days...it's a long one lol but it's got some really good stuff in it and i think it will help you immensely..it has me. loulou x Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 In fact everyone should read it!!! Link to comment
cherylca Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Read it everyone . Thanks Lou Lou x Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I know what your saying is right but he has known about my insecurities for five years now and he has never done anything to help me with them. […] It's not his job to help you manage your own behavior, that's your job. The minute someone says "I know, BUT…" in response to the advice they've sought, that's the sign of an unproductive conversation. Attempts to rationalize, justify or defend behaviors you don't wish to continue are not the way to change them. Either you want to grow into someone who owns self control, or you don't. It's a decision. Head high, you can do this. Link to comment
kuteknish Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 you said you're in a bad place.. which will only enhance your insecurities, don't you think? Maybe you should take a break and give yourself time to grieve your father's death? Link to comment
ToF Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 He sounds like a loser to me. He lived in a dump of a house, which he gladly abandoned to live with you. He would never pick up his phone when he was out with his friends - That's shady. Constantly buying porno magazines? Porn is normal, but that just seems sleezy. He turned off his phone for days, just to avoid conflict. And now he lives with his mother. I'm not saying you don't have issues of your own to work out. It certainly sounds like you have serious problems with insecurity and anger ... But this guy just sounds like a jerk to me. Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 I agree with ToF. While you definitely have issues to take care of, this guy just sounds like a tool. Instead of working through arguments he runs away every time? That's not a man, that's a child. Link to comment
jaysmaury Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 It sounds like you need to seek professional help before pursuing a serious relationship. If it is an anxiety disorder as mentioned above, then you need to get that under control before bringing anyone else into the picture. Link to comment
cherylca Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 I have decided i am going to seek some help. Hopefully it will get me through this and make me a stronger person. Thanks 2 everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! x Link to comment
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