Once again - What should I do now

[EgoJoe]

To Thor: See, I never got even close to that although I did a lot of holding back because she was under legitimate stress and grief.

 

I ignored her last email though. The next time she contacts she's got a piece of my mind coming. She blew the congenial talk offer and doesn't know that that was the last one. She'll have to crawl through a field of broken glass on her knees just to hear my voice again.

 

Hahaha.

 

To Endy: Absolutely right about men losing attraction. If we love a girl it doesn't matter if she's gaining weight...although we'll drop logical advice to fix it etc. If she's being a complete * * * * tard (technical term) then if we know better, have boundaries and the self-esteem. We'll break it off because she's being out of her mind.

 

Now, thats not the case with all men who get attracted to someone else and can't make a commitment.

[Thorshammer]

See, I never got even close to that although I did a lot of holding back because she was under legitimate stress and grief.

 

I ignored her last email though. The next time she contacts she's got a piece of my mind coming. She blew the congenial talk offer and doesn't know that that was the last one. She'll have to crawl through a field of broken glass on her knees just to hear my voice again.

 

Hahaha.

 

Nah, the girl I mentioned was some chick from 5 years ago, lol. She wasnt my ex, she was just a one-night thing. My recent ex left me like a sack of trash, lol. Nothing COOL or cocky about that, lol. I broke NC to wish her the best, when she ended it I exploded, I didnt want to end it like that, I loved her and cared about her too much to have our last memory to be me getting angry. If she did me wrong with some other dude, or lied to me, it didnt matter, I felt like I had to send a letter of appreciation to her to say my final goodbye. She did a lot for me, and it was selfish for me to keep her if she wanted to leave, no matter how dumb the circumstance or how dumb her reason or how deceptive it was.

 

All my ex's tried to get back with me, some took 5 months, another 6 years, another a year, sheesh, i have an ex from 5 years still hitting me up to this day. Thats backwards dude, I dont play 8 bit nintendo, and i dont dip in old salsa. I am moving forward. That letter to my ex is my final goodbye, and i wanted to leave with a smile and warm feelings as my last vibe in my final glimpse of existence in her life.

 

Maybe they will come back, but like i said, in my experience they took over 5 months or more. Oddly, me and my ex had issues with intimacy, those unfortunately never come back (my experience with girls i never got into a relationship with).

[EgoJoe]

I have a GIGS-esque away at school breakup but we made LDR work during the school year for a long time. Her family was dying left and right and she had denial issues with previously deceased members. Add fights, jealousy issues (both sides) and some attraction stuff. Mixed with me dealing with a bad economy. I made 100gs in 200g at 19-20 and then had a 10$ job telemarketing after my unenjoyment ran out and union work was gone so my self-esteem was SHOT and that wasn't me I also was trying to pay for school outright because I hate debt. Downhill started alot of push pull and every time I went to break up with her or give her an easy out it went guilt trip guilt trip ok I'll try and fix myself.

 

What a mess. She and I have a lot of hurdles to jump before we even come to a consensus and she's in 100% avoidance mode. Fuuuuuun.

 

I know my Ex respects me and that her pride is stopping her from admitting she was a complete * * * * * who said some retarded * * * * to me (I have said this to her in a very congenial way) and she has another tell off coming to her.

 

I'm working my new job without a commute (woot) and found a great school that I can pay for completely with grants. Working hard on myself and proud of the growth I've achieved so to me it's all a blessing in disguise. But, oh man did it hurt and while I never got needy or begged. I sent one hopeful message before she was a * * * * * and then before we started talking (sorta) again I said I don't want you back, you're passive aggressive blah blah blah. Man. I'll post about everything the next time she follows up but until then I'm helping others with what I've learned and to dial in to the role of being understanding with boundaries. Because we all go through tough times.

 

Slight edit, the new job is Sales. I've been selling cars and doing amazing. The amount of money I made this summer completely boosted my esteem back up but I keep my head down about it and I've been saving, investing etc. So it's nice to feel like a man again especially having learned so much.

[harsh284]

i cudnt take it and broke NC and called her - she didnt pick up so i msged "Hi i respect ur decision and im not asking u to change it but lets talk in general" - i have got more confused now

[Mesemene]

I'm going to be blunt.

 

She may not know what she wants, she certainly has a lot of growing up to do - but right now, she doesn't want you. If she did, she wouldn't be setting standards like your school and credentials, it would be all about who you are, not your pedigree. And sorry, but your intelligence was quite adequate to survive separation and conversations, so that's an excuse.

 

i respect ur decision and im not asking u to change it but lets talk in general

No, you're NOT respecting her decision. Her decision, right or wrong, was to break things off completely. Your only real contact has been at your initiation and there's been plenty of times she hasn't responded. So I feel pretty safe saying when she does respond, it's not because she wants to, it's because she either feels guilty, or pressured, or just doesn't want to be alone.

 

Respect her decision, and respect yourself in the process. Continuing to force the issue isn't going to help you, and isn't going to change her mind and suddenly make her ready for a relationship, let alone with someone she probably perceives as an exasperating thorn in her side who she may indeed still feel affection for - but that doesn't mean she wants to BE with you.

 

Start rebuilding who you are. Look in the mirror. Think about the texts, calls, and more texts, with no response, and yet continuing. Is this the picture you want to see of yourself, someone who's been whipped and comes back looking for just a pat on the head??? You deserve more for yourself, period. You need to get to the point where you can take a stand on that and KNOW you deserve better, and that better is out there.

 

It all starts with you. Treat yourself like crap, and the world will follow. Treat yourself well, and show that you're worth something better.

[Thorshammer]

I also had money issues. My job had this new manager who had a man crush on me, he couldnt get me out of his mouth. So I left that stupid job and finished up college. Not having money made me feel pretty low, and i couldnt find a replacement job. I blamed this and mostly this on how i became so weak. My ex was working paying all the bills, and paying to take me out, which my pride fought her over, which just made me seem even more less valuable staying home doing nothing.

 

I was never super needy, i was always strong, but i did slip. But at this point I dont care, I finished college and I am looking for work, and I dont have negative nancy breathing down my back.

[Thorshammer]

i cudnt take it and broke NC and called her - she didnt pick up so i msged "Hi i respect ur decision and im not asking u to change it but lets talk in general" - i have got more confused now

 

Dude, shes not a catch. She is the prime example of the type of woman to avoid. Let time take its course so your weak emotional state can die off and your logical state can see right through her. She is far too strong and far too cold (thats putting it in a nice way) for you. Your play-on-words she will see thru, and she will eat you alive. You cant handle her, and giving her attention is just making it worse. Even if you got back together there will be no solid ground to stand on, anxiety will eat at you because you know deep down inside she is not right, and shes already mistreated you time and time again.

 

I have been with snotty chicks and they are to be handled with the same coldness and carelessness that they try to push. They like to prey on the weaker people for an ego-boost. I just dealt with one 2 weeks ago, I just straight up told her she has issues and needs to check in to a specialist to get her shallow head checked, and the funny thing is this girl every year hits me up, and as soon as she opens her mouth, i insult her, and she still comes back.

[EgoJoe]

Yeah, Harsh, Thor is right. Sorry we derailed almost to the point of thread jacking but it was consensus building, hah!

 

The fact is that you didn't call her out on alot of stuff about questioning your intelligence etc. You have alot of work to step out of the victim role into the opponent role which is a dumb way to resume a relationship. The other thing about this that to constantly pursue the power struggle of a relationship is an exercise in futility. You have to be the man.

 

What I suggest is this, ONE final text. I would not normally suggest this but this is because you still want reconciliation and have put yourself at her mercy time and time again.

 

"Never mind about wanting to talk. I was hoping to come to a consensus and I see that won't happen so long as you are stuck on an ego trip."

 

Yes this is ego posturing, yes it will make you look bad for a moment. Catch 22 is thus: you're being assertive where you were not. This followed by silence AND IGNORING spurious future contact from her coupled with realistic changes in your mentality will result in the only shot you'll have. But it will take time. Do not send this text unless you are going to ignore for a minimum of two months (No matter what she responds with or doesn't respond with initially) and only respond to contact after that much time has passed if she initiates with gusto, i.e. I'm sorry OR Hey I want to meet up and talk. To which it's ok to say, For what? and Why? You are doing this to force a perspective change to view you in a new light and this will take time. Also the two months is for your perspective to change and with the right amount of work, it will.

 

Play it cool, keep it non-chalant if/when that happens and come back here so we can give you advice from a NON-emotionally attached perspective.

 

If you really want to fix things that is what you must do. Keep in mind, I'm with Thor with regard to the fact that she has become a snob on you. She probably got a little promotion and started getting more male attention and probably even thinks it's because she's so smart (guarantee a guy said this to her) and talented (same guy probably said this but wasn't referring to anything practical out of bed bwahaha) so you get left with the backlash.

 

Yes I was just very crass but the truth is that I want you to view this in a manner consistent with reality, objectively. Sometimes to look at certain pathetic mindsets in a humorous manner will save you tears. You need to change your outlook on this and everything else.

 

IN THE MEAN TIME Really work on you, solely for the sake of you.

 

You may find that after doing this work on yourself that you realize how much better you can do, how much more respect you can command and how much better you feel about yourself in general. Do not let your own ego go to your head and simply realize this is self-esteem and HEALTHY ego boundary work that you need to do.

[harsh284]

thanks a lot man - it was really insightful and helped me gain some strength - I will follow ur advice on this one

[EgoJoe]

The only thing this approach guarantees is regaining your self-respect by being assertive and I only suggest doing this because of how bad things have gotten. If you don't follow what I've said to the T it will backfire.

[endy]

It's not only healthy self-esteem you're going to work on... The work is hopefully going to help you gain confidence. CONFIDENCE IS attraction but it can't be faked. It needs to be genuine confidence. If not women see through it. Don't feel bad either. No man gets it by himself right away. It's something you need to work on and learn. Since as far as I know Ego, Thor, or me aren't married or found what we consider the perfect woman (note there is no perfect woman, but I am going to find one damn near perfect for me) we're constantly fine tuning everything as well. It takes time and a lot of practice to fully understand and fine tune it. Just like any other skill. But I can tell you right now, it's the most important skill for a man to learn period.

[EgoJoe]

Amen to Endy. Also alot of this is providence through pain. * * * * , I even think to myself sometimes maybe I should have shown my Ex a tear after some initial needyness because all she saw at the end of us was the direct, blunt and interrogative me. No tears, no begging and a tiny bit of realistic hope that didn't last through one * * * * * y reply. But, I'm glad I did. I'll be telling her about it eventually in a laughing manner.

 

That is why I say you have to ignore any response or lack of response and never initiate again. I'm trying to add disclaimers to this approach because if it pays off and she has a scrap of decency in her. She'll be digging the new you or living in denial of her own problems and ego.

[EgoJoe]

^ Above should read, "Glad I didn't."

[harsh284]

^ Above should read, "Glad I didn't."

 

I dont know what triggers BU - cos just 2 days before my BU we were going great and suddenly a crash - this seems a bit quirky to me - and she didnt mention anythin of the reasons she gave me for BU when everythin was going fine (as in 2 days before or even a week before) - it was all so sudden - this was shocking and surprising factor for me - I wasnt expecting it cos everything was moving smooth

[EgoJoe]

Thats easy to answer. Avoidance and defense mechanism employment.

 

Leave it to that and focus on you.

[MakeItCount]

Same ole story as before. Remember how we told you this would be going on years down the road if you don't follow our advice? well...yeah.

[harsh284]

Now I feel the pain and the urge to call her almost regularly - But I am trying to control myself somehow

[EgoJoe]

Did you send that text? If you did, you can't.

 

Start thinking about the entire picture. We're here for you.

[harsh284]

Did you send that text? If you did, you can't.

 

Start thinking about the entire picture. We're here for you.

 

I havent done anything so as to avoid doing anything stupid - dunno if she would ever call me but i am not calling her for sometime now - even though i get the urge to do so

[harsh284]

Need advice - Should I wish her for her exam? - Its a big exam that she has been preparing for quite a long time - would it not be rude if I dont wish her - I am confused please advise -Thanks

[EgoJoe]

Nooooooooooo. She lost your support when she broke up with you. Besides, since she's sooooo smart she can do just fine on her own. I'm really a little miffed at you for not sending her that text too, man!

 

I kid, I kid. It is your decision. True NC is for the best.

[harsh284]

Nooooooooooo. She lost your support when she broke up with you. Besides, since she's sooooo smart she can do just fine on her own. I'm really a little miffed at you for not sending her that text too, man!

 

I kid, I kid. It is your decision. True NC is for the best.

 

Thanks - But wouldnt that be too rude and show-off of ego as to not wish her - Actually I would have sent her that message but I didnt want to disturb her during her exams - may be I will send it later

[mhowe]

Stick to your guns and do not call/text/im her for any reason. She broke up with you. Leave her alone.

[endy]

Thanks - But wouldnt that be too rude and show-off of ego as to not wish her - Actually I would have sent her that message but I didnt want to disturb her during her exams - may be I will send it later

 

 

Stop sending her anything period. She lost that when she broke up with you. You owe her nothing, and honestly she probably doesn't care to hear it. She made a decision, she needs to live with that decision, and so do you at this point. You need to move on and not worry about her, what you should send her etc. All those are, are excuses to break NC.

[harsh284]

Stop sending her anything period. She lost that when she broke up with you. You owe her nothing, and honestly she probably doesn't care to hear it. She made a decision, she needs to live with that decision, and so do you at this point. You need to move on and not worry about her, what you should send her etc. All those are, are excuses to break NC.

 

fine thanks - that clears all my doubts