Uncertain about taking 'us' to the next level

[Rickster]

Hi all,

 

I wouldn't have come here if I didn't need help, but now I am just so unsure about what I am experiencing. I want to start off by introducing all of you to my background to understand what I am who I am and perhaps this would put you into my shoes.

 

About 6 years ago I had a very bad breakup with a partner of 2 years - when I say bad, it was on the point of suicide. My sister managed to talk me out of it and got me into a pretty reputable college. Due to this event I was traumatised and I couldn't trust anyone (not even my parents) which held me back from mixing around with classmates since I was afraid of them either finding out I was suicidal or getting close to someone again and finding out that they would betray my trust just like what I experienced with my ex. Later on, and when I managed to get a grip of myself again and forget the past, I found it extremely difficult conversing with people - just because I didn't have much self-worth, confidence and experience after evading so many potential friends I could have made in college. This problem surfaces on every occasion I speak with someone and to date it does still creep up on me in social settings thus making them feel like I am dis-interested, aloof, unfriendly, emotionless or stuck-up.

 

Now at my workplace I met this lady in under a year when we did the same project. I don't get to see her most of the time because we're doing different projects but once in a while we do send messages pretty much taunting each other about our common interest and how work sucks and it does help us get through the horrid work and working hours we have to deal with. Our conversations would expand over other topics as we got to know each other a little better and bit by bit we started to have luncheons when we saw each other at work. This carried over to some dinners together outside working hours. However, as of late I noticed a couple of things:

 

- Over a casual dinner we were watching a game and she placed her feet on the edge of my chair that I was sitting on. And of course being myself, I didn't know how to react to that.

- I play for our firm, the sport that is our common interest and its unusual to find supporters from our firm. She said that she would love to watch and support. But a few hours before she said she couldn't make it cause of a migraine. To my surprise she called me to ask where the venue was and there she was being the only supporter. In fact, another colleague asked her for lunch and she declined to come and support.

- I was a substitute and while the match was going on I was sat on the grass. She came to sit beside me, and pretty close too, so much so that we made body contact and she said "it's such a beautiful day"

- [While writing this, she wrote to me to meet up so that's another point]

 

Now it's not as easy as you make it out to be (as it always is) and due to the following, I always assumed that our friendship was mutual and would never go pass the level:

 

- She is a staunch christian - and when I say staunch, she is the type that never misses cell groups and church every weekend and in almost every post on facebook it is a verse from the bible. Whereas I assume a 'freethinker' religion and am quite happy with it. I once asked her whether she would have a relationship with another individual who is of a different religious background to her and she delayed that question for another time. Also, there was one occasion when she said this other who walked passed was cute and continued saying that there's 'no hope' for her in seeking this individual as he has a different religious belief.

- In occasions when it permits, she is on a lookout for cute and hot guys and would say such things to poke fun of the situation and so I would think that she had no interest in me.

- She has a tendency to recommend other girls to me (who I know of), which I always poke fun of them and in a way declining my availability to them.

- Our conversations include a lot of crap to tease each other and for laughs-sake and leaves out the serious stuff

- I always had an idea of the ideal person that I would like to see myself with - and see doesn't fit that bill (I know that this isn't such a big deal)

 

The way I'm feeling with this is strange as normally when I have feelings or like someone I have a tendency to 'clam-up' and not know what to converse with her, leaving me to avoid conversations with that person. But with this lady it's different, I can still talk to her and be my witty self. Which leads me to think that I do not have that kind of feelings for her, or perhaps, I know we will not go pass our mutual friendship for the above reasons and therefore, I'm at ease.

 

Due to the fact that I'm awfully terrible in relationships after my experience, and I'm an emotionless non-social being I cannot decide what I make of this, and what do I do next. The more I linger the more I will lose an opportunity to take this into a relationship (and I still do not know whether I want to or whether I can) because if I do not reciprocate what she has been giving, then the interest will die down. Do I wait to see if this is really what I want, or whether I can have this, or are these signs that I am reading into too much.

 

Help/advice to another enotaloner is most appreciated...

[oldenoughtoknow]

Yeah, very mixed signals. And, you're really over thinking this. Have you asked yourself this core question - do you really want a relationship with her, or are you just caught up in the "what if" and pursuit?

 

Other than the pending religious issue, it seems you get along really well and are comfortable with each other. That doesn't mean she sees this as anything more than friendship. There's only one way to find out...

[Rickster]

I'm pretty cautious about myself over-thinking about situations like this (been burned once before on someone else and I learned from that). So no, I don't think I'm caught up in the "what if" and "pursuit". Besides, this situation has been going on for some time and it got me thinking, in the first place, do I even want a relationship? I can't seem to answer this question. Although I've always been longing for companionship, I also do not know how to adapt to a lifestyle with someone else in my life that I would have to commit time and energy into when I've been living so freely for so many years.

 

What gets more strange is that she would says things like I'm such a geek (in which I would jokingly get annoyed) and then follow-through with a "but a cute geek". On top of that, after letting her know about my theory of beauty and leverage, she asked whether which part of the theory does she fit in (the pretty or the ugly). To top that of, she would say things like how sweet of you, or you missed me? And I would play in.

 

I think I'm more confused on whether I want a relationship than whether I want a relationship with her.