So semi back together, but need advice.

[imich]

So me and the ex semi got back together. She is off at college and said she doesn't think she can do exclusive long distance. We were only dating a few months but I really like her and sort of knew going into this that she wasn't going to be up for a LDR, but it doesn't mean that I still don't want to be with her when she gets back. Now I don't think she will be trying to search out new relationships and I am hoping that if we stay in touch she will find that she can't be with another guy because she likes me. This may all be wishful thinking, but with the casual aspect I have said that I have to respect that she wants to enjoy college but that there can be no mention what so ever about other guys. I do find it hard to handle that she wants to be with me when she is back home but wants to be with other guys at college. I know that I should probably let her go, but easier said than done right. I am just hoping that with keeping in touch she will not be able to get with other guys and that if I can wait till she gets back again she might start to have the feelings that will want her to be exclusive. I just have no clue as to what to do here.

[Angler]

So when you say "semi" back together you mean you're still in the relationship and she isn't? She pretty much said she'd get with other guys while you're sitting idle.

 

She is off at college and said she doesn't think she can do exclusive long distance.

 

As hard as it is right now, the quote above is all you need to remember. You're young bud, trust me when I say this: She doesn't exist....if it makes you feel any better, everytime I've gone about my life like my exes never existed is exactly when they started trying to exist again.

[imich]

Well at the moment we are both taking it day to day, but you are right in that I am more invested at this point. I know she really wants it to continue as well as she keeps planning the times when we will be back together, but she failed a LDR her freshman year of college where both parties cheated and where I think she is coming from is that she just doesn't want to be serious in college as she doesn't want to miss out on experiences. This may be a bit of a defense mechanism that she is worried she could mess something up and may be taking a step back in case she makes a mistake. I know I sound like I am being too lenient with her, but I am trying to get her to realize that what we have is worth being exclusive. I just worried that she will get too drunk and may have a one night stand and I know that I deserve to be with someone that wouldn't do that to me.

[Mesemene]

I'll be blunt - it doesn't matter what you may or may not have together if she doesn't feel like a LDR is for her and isn't interested in maintaining one.

 

She's planning on seeing you when she is available - great! But she's NOT planning on pining away while you're apart, or planning on strategizing her college life around trying to be satisfied with long distance communication when you're apart. Frankly, that she recognizes upfront that this isn't a situation that would make her (and as a result, you) happy is very self-aware and healthy.

 

You basically have two choices - respect her wishes, and make sure you're not sitting around waiting on her (she'll know, and that's pressure, the kind she didn't want), or let her go completely. She's not in a relationship with you. She has no obligation to tell you if she does see someone else while you're apart, and ditto for you.

I just worried that she will get too drunk and may have a one night stand and I know that I deserve to be with someone that wouldn't do that to me.

She wouldn't be doing ANYTHING to you except in your head, she's not committed to you at this time.

 

So you really need to have a heart to heart with yourself and decide if you can deal with dating her when she's home without strings, or if, in the long run, it would bother you too much to not want her exclusively, and then you'll need to move on completely. It's not fair to yourself to play the waiting game, and it's not fair to her, either.

[imich]

This is helpful, I think my plans are to eventually respect her wishes and live my life while we are apart, it's just difficult to move on at the moment and might take me some time. I have been really careful not to get too clingy and put too much pressure on her outside of 1 or 2 recent conversations just to get everything cleared up. I have said that I do not want her to tell me about any other guys and she said she wouldn't do that so that should help a little bit, but I will still probably worry on my own for awhile. The only thing I can do is live my life, but let her know that I am still there for her and maybe she realizes that she doesn't want another guy, I know the she said she can't do exclusive LD just because it is fairly hard to predict what will come around in the future.