I am so jealous, this is killing me

[Mona]

This is really difficult for me to post but I have to have some place to talk to. I find that jealousy emotion is the ugliest feelings but I still cant help feeling it just the same. When I was younger my best friend went out with my once-boyfriend behind my back. I didnt think it was a big deal then but looking back, the insecurity must have come from then.

 

I have a girl friend at work who is thai like me I got close to her as we come from the same country and she is a very nice person, she recently had a marrige broke down and needed a lot of help in terms of moving and decorating her new place. We have been married for 5 and a half year and knowing each other for 9 years. My handband and I were always happy to help her and now my husband is kind of her friend to. They are on each other MSN list and talk to each other sometimes. Being a jealous type like me, I got a red flag going all over the place becuase I know how wonderful and very kind and understanding person my husband is. I fear that when their friendship is getting to a closeness stage and I cant bare the feeling of him having another girl friend. Especially now she is single and lost and lonely.

 

Please understand that my husband and I only have each other since we met. No close friends, just me and him we are best friends. My husband and I know that we are jealous for each other and I would not even make friends with a single man as I know he would get so jealous. I would rather make friends with a couple or something.

 

It is going to be too long to mention it all on here but if you guys the jealous type out there could understand what has been going through in my head. I even had a horrible dream about it. For the past 5 years, I got jealous in general but manage to block off as there were no danger or red alert flagging up. I got really offeneded everytime when my husband mentioned that he talked to her and it s only in general topic like who is the cheapest internet provider. I think it is very sad to feel jealous but I seem not to be able to shake this off.

 

I expressed my concerns and feeling to my husband but he said I just have to try to get a grip and he cant be stopping making any friends and that is selfish but I said that 'what if it is in a reverse role?'. He said' well, I would be jealous to but you just have to get on with it.'

 

but now we came to terms that if she speaks to him, he would copy and paste the conversation for me to read. I think it is a good thing to speak to your partner but it is still very difficult for me.

 

Do I need therapy?

 

Thanks a lot for taking your time reading my post.

[evepm]

Dear Mona:

 

As to your question about needing therapy, only you can decide that.

 

I subscribe to the thought that if you are doing something that brings pain to your partner, you shouldn't being doing it. I believe that it is wrong to have friendships with members of the opposite sex when you are deeply involved with someone, unless both partners share the friendship equally.

 

I don't think that you are wrong to feel jealous or insecure about your husband having a friendship with this woman. Just don't drive yourself crazy about it and keep the lines of communication very open with your husband about this woman.

 

Take Care,

Eve

[Princess777]

I agree. In my opinion, a married person should not have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex. I don't see anything wrong with casual talking once in a while but when the other partner is not involved and it happens often enough to make the partner jealous, something's gotta give. He admitted he would be jealous if you were doing the same. And I wouldn't go for the copy and paste thing.... he could always delete parts of it so what's the point. Plus that is just silly. If he truly respects you he would just stop instead of offering to let you spy on his conversation.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

Well, I wasn't going to say anything until I read the replies.

 

I personally don't see any problem with having friends of the Opposite sex. As a matter of fact if I were dating someone that said those friendships were inappropriate I would be rather perturbed. All of my friends through out my life have been women. Most of them have gone on and gotten married. We still have great friendships. I've found out that all you have to do is to make sure that he knows that I value there relationship over my relationship with her. Once a month I watch one of my friends kids and send them out to dinner on me. As long as her husband sees the value I put on there relationship he's not worried about me because he knows where my heart is and knows where her's is.

 

On the other hand I have another friend that I will only talk to if her husband is around because he becomes nerves if there is anything he isn't seeing.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that if you cant fit a relationship with someone else in because of your marriage then you're missing out on part of life.

 

In my opinion a love that isn't confident isn't love at all. Its' merely position, and if possessing you mate is what your relationship is based on, then it will fail in time.

[Princess777]

I think this type of problem is best answered by the person who posted it. If it bothers HER then she needs to do something about it, number one figure out why it bothers her. Number two tell her husband. Number three see how he reacts and what he does about it to reflect his love for her. Marriage is all about compromises.... making the marriage the best it can be regardless of the disagreements, and respecting each other's feelings. People treat us the way we allow them to. I guess if a person doesn't want to make compromises for someone else then they don't really love them and shouldn't get married. I'm not saying to totally shut yourself off from others but what is the point of marriage if society keeps acting like it means nothing to be committed to someone. "To love, honor, and cherish, to be faithful, etc."...... It means to compromise for the sake of the union, to me. Sometimes when you're married you can't have everything your way. They both need to compromise on something. My suggestion would be that he should continue the friendship but with his wife around whenever they talk or see each other. I don't see anything wrong with that. After all, if it's such innocent talk, then why would he mind? What do you think?

[Mona]

Dear all,

 

Thank you so much for taking time to read and post your reply. I very much appreciate it. I am trying to fight back the jealosy feeling and trying to block it away. It is so difficult. I am going to have an honest conversation with my husband again and see what he says. I thought I would feel better today but it is still the same.

 

In the past I do not have problem with my girl friends talking to my husband. But just this particular person. It has red flags all over. It is so intense I sit next to her in the office also.

 

Before my feeling has escalated, she invited us to her place for a dinner to say thank you for our help with her move etc. and I said yes we would come. But thinking about it now it would be so weird to hang out just 3 of us. Can you guys give some input and point of views for me to consider?

 

Many thanks,

[Nifty_Swifty1]

First off ignoring jealousy is never a good thing. There is a reason for it whether valid or not. It's starting to sound like there is a deeper reason for this that goes beyond your past or even your present situation.

 

Let me ask you something and be completely honest. Don't worry about looking bad or anything. If you and your husband were to switch places right now what would be your thoughts and feelings toward this girl?

 

I only ask because from what I've seen most people suffer from not because they truly believe there sig other would cheat on them, but because they themselves would have thoughts of infidelity, in even the most innocent form, if the situations were to be switched.

 

Here's a bit of a story.

A friend of mine had become extremely jealous of anyone that would talk to his wife. After I talked to him for a while I told him that in his case there was nothing to be jealous of so it had to be completely in his head. After talking to his wife and kind of preparing her for what was going to be coming I told him to be completely confessional with his wife about every woman he talked to.

 

For a couple weeks he kind of pretended to cooperate, but would never really get down to the nity gritty. Finally I saw a waitress flirting with him while we were talking one day. When he went home he told her quite simply and somewhat harshly that there had been a woman flirting with him and he liked it.

 

Once he started dealing with his own wandering mind the jealousy went away.

 

Now I'm not telling you to go and tell your guy every time some guy hits on you, that was just the way I knew that would force this individual to actually confront his own thoughts. What I am saying is that you at least need to look at what your thoughts are away from your husband and see if that may not be the reason for you worries.

[Princess777]

Mona you are in a tough situation as I keep reading. Trust your instincts though -- you are the only one who can solve this problem no matter what opinions we give you. Be honest with your husband, use tact and don't come accross as whining or nagging.

 

I think women have very good instincts when it comes to other women liking their man and I understand your fears since she is newly divorced. Newly divorced women as a general rule need acceptance and a lot of attention, and she's getting some from your husband and that is bothering you, understandably. I think the real problem may be that YOU know she may be coming onto your husband, but HE may not know it. That's what you need to convey to him. My husband never notices it when women flirt with him but I do, cause I'm a woman and I know how women operate. Just like he knows when a guy is flirting with me when I don't see it. Know what I mean? And, the fact that you said your husband is very likable and caring, that's going to be difficult to inform him and further, for him to actually realize it and believe you.

 

You might try explaining that because you are a woman you process thoughts differently than he does (which is a fact) and that you are seeing something of this situation that he may not see at this point in time. Tell him that you are concerned about it. Tell him you know that as a divorced woman she is very vulnerable right now and is grasping for attention, is very sad, and that the majority of divorced women need a lot of male approval and contact in order to feel better. And that you are uncomfortable with him fulfilling that role since you, as his wife, wants that attention.

 

Of course it is all up to you and this is only my opinion. I think you're on the right track to talk to him and work this out, and not to wait any longer.

[Mona]

thank you so much everyone. I had another session talk to my husband and it seems to be a bit better but he still says that he would not stop talking to her. I am dealing with my feeling right now and it is still there that is for sure.

 

We are have to go visit her this weekend as we already accepted it. I asked my husband if we can kind of postpone but he said what is the point. so it looks like we are going cause if i am not going i am afraid that he might go there himself (yes it is in my head, i fear for it).

 

Any comment on this? The problem is it is going to be just 3 of us and i find it very strange.

[Princess777]

I find it odd that he would insist on still talking to her if you really told him how you feel. That is rather scary, but I guess everyone is different. I know if my husband told me that he wasn't comfortable with me talking to another man, I'd stop immediately because no other man's friendship is worth jeopardizing my marriage..... of course I'm not really what you would call a normal person.... I'm probably TOO faithful, and TOO careful... but it's purely out of respect for my partner because I've been cheated on before.

 

At this point I'm not sure what to say other than you'll have to decide if his behavior is something that you can compromise on. You've already voiced your preference on the subject and unfortunately we cannot control others. But you can control yourself and what you do about it. Like I'd said before, try to get him to agree not to talk to her unless you're in the same place. If he won't agree to that, then I would be questioning his devotion to you because to me that's putting another person in front of you, and when you're married, your partner's feelings should come before some divorced woman's plight for attention.

[OceanEyes]

This is the thing I find most interesting about men in general, espeically ones who insist on maintaining friendships with women: most men will tell you (if they're honest), that they can't just 'be friends' with a woman. That eventually he'll want something sexual to happen, or at least have heavy thoughts about it. Then the women who love them are supposed to trust them? It makes absolutely no sense. I see one of two possible explanations for this, but can't decide which one is more suitable:

 

1. Once a man makes a comittment to you, he no longer sees other women that way. He can maintain friendships with women without making a move. This seems very unlikely to me, since we don't change overnight.

 

2. Men want you to trust them and their intentions, so they tell you it's 'your problem' that you can't trust them. They aren't aware of what they told you a couple of months ago about men and women not being able to just 'stay friends'. So basically, I find that they've dug their own hole of not being able to be trusted 100%, then when the time comes that the woman is jealous, they don't understand why.

 

I'm bringing this up because almost every guy I know has told me the same thing about not being able to have friends who are girls. That they will eventually 'get horny'. How the heck are we supposed to deal with that? How would a man react if a woman said, "I can't be friends with a man, because eventually I'm going to want to bone.". I simply can't make sense of that, since if I said that to my boyfriend, he would probably raise hell every time I spent even a couple of minutes talking to another guy.

 

Mona, in your case, your husband sounds like he may be resisting your wishes for some reason. He might be saying, 'no I won't stop talking to her' because he's simply trying to maintain his control in your relationship. Perhaps if he does stop talking to this girl, he'll feel like his control, as a man, will have been taken away from him. I've found sometimes, that men will resist it when a woman asks him to change something for her, because it instantly (and instinctively) signals to him that he's giving you more control than he has. Men like to keep control of their own lives.

 

I don't see him being sneaky about this in any way. He's actually saved his text conversations for you to read, which is a pretty good indicator that he really has no alternate agenda with this girl. In fact, I think he might be saving these conversations to rub it in your face that you've become "the jealous wife", which isn't good either.

 

I am almost positive that the reason that you're getting so jealous is because he's really all you seem to have. You're probably so worried that he'll be taken away by someone else that you're holding on too tight. If you had other sources of love and support in your life, I don't think you would be so jealous. Do you have male friends at work? I would suggest befriending one of them and spending some time chatting with him on messenger or on the phone. See how he reacts. If he gets jealous and angry, say "but I thought it was okay to have friends of the opposite sex?". He won't be able to defend that, and if he does, his argument will not be credible. If you want his attention, you're going to have to make him crazy-jealous too. That way, he'll know exactly how it feels and you might be able to reach an understanding.

[Princess777]

I agree with your confusion, Ocean Eyes, about why men don't think we trust them when they contradict themselves.....

 

I'll give an example too: My husband, who is in his thirties, used to work at a different heavy equipment/construction company a year or so ago. There were a couple of other guys working with him and the boss's young daughter (almost eighteen) was working for her dad's company too. She knew absolutely nothing about the dangerous work they were performing and it made no sense to me that she was even there. Anyway, my husband would talk to me about how he and the other guys would tease her and talk to her quite unappropriately, in my eyes, and would tell me specific things they said and stuff, none of which was necessary to be said in the workplace. He even told me that the "other" guys were all trying to impress her and make her laugh and were after her because of her rich dad. What the???? HELLO!!! What was HE doing?????? One day he even told me that a huge piece of iron on a cable or something came flying down and she wasn't paying attention and my husband had to run over and grab the cable out of the way to "save" her. I was about to be sick..... !!!! Come on!!!! Well one day we saw her at the store and she and my husband acted like they were old friends! He was asking her about her senior trip and stuff and meanwhile I'm sitting there just appalled at this friendship. I mean, I had the biggest problem with this. I asked him what on earth he could have in common with or need to talk to an eighteen year old girl about. He had already contradicted himself by his own actions!!!!! I made reference to her age and he got really, really angry with me and flew off the handle. He said something about her one other time after that but never again because I got mad again. It made absolutely no sense to me that he would TELL me things that indicate he was flirting with her and then not expecting me to be angry. I was fuming.

 

A perfect example of a man contradicting what he says.

[Luciana]

Princess, I would be mad as hell too.

I cringed when my 45 year old fiance told me he went to Hooters with a buddy. I know how they flirt with the girls and stare at them. Those girls could all be his daughters-I was pissed.

I told him I didn't like him to go there-many of those girls accept to go out with a guy for money, and they hit on guys with nice cars (my fiance's case). No way!

BTW, wouldn't want my daughters to work there with all those filthy old men lusty after them and staring at their bbs and btts. Self respect, please!

[Luciana]

Yes, she needs to make him jealous.

Find a guy to befriend. Talk intimately for a long time at some party with another guy and leave him alone.

Instant message some guy in the computer.

Many ways to do that.

 

Oh really, you want to go to a strip club to look at other women's intimate parts close to your face? Well, I want to go to the male strippers club where they put their "schlongs" up our faces. Oh you don't like that? Too bad....

[Mike_Wazowski]

Mona: Jealousy is probably the Most Evilest of Emotions. That being said, you can't let it fester (grow) inside you.

 

I had a friend when I was younger. The guy was always jealous of his girlfriend to the point where he used to secretly follow her, go through her purse when she wasn't around, etc etc......

 

 

From my experience (trust me I know), Your husband is entering some pretty dangerous waters. He is befriending a woman who is scared and lonely and who herself would love to have a man, maybe even your man.

 

Although your husband says that the relationship is just friendship, it is at the point where it can become much much more than that.

 

I'd tell him to Cool it! If he says NO, then I think you need to re evaluate your relationship with him! You are his wife, You should come First, Last, and Everywhere in between!

 

Good Luck!

[Scout]

I've been in a similiar situation. I honestly think your husband is resisting your wishes because he thinks that if he "gives in", he's losing some control in the relationship. Do you two have other control issues in your marriage? Because that may be the real problem, and this incident is just a symptom of the bigger issue of control.

 

I'd also like to point out that it's entirely possible this woman has no designs on your husband whatsoever. I'm a little dismayed to read other women's comments on here that seem to automatically assume that because she is recently divorced, she's on a man-hunt. Sounds to me like she could just really use some friends during this sad period in her life.

 

However, you don't know yet if you have a clear idea if she can be trustworthy or not. Why don't you spend a little more time with her by yourself to get a better idea? Put your suspicions on hold for now. Schedule a few things with her where it's just you and her. If you decide that you truly think she's a decent person who wouldn't hurt you, you'll probably find your jealousy dissipate, you'll feel better towards your husband, and the issue of talking to her will sort of fade from his mind. At this point, he's probably just doing it because you've told him he can't. (And this again would point to the issue of control).

 

All this being said, I do understand your feelings of insecurity, and especially where they are coming from. I had a very good friend "take" a boyfriend from me once, plus I've been cheated on. When people let you down, it leaves some lasting baggage. The best you can do is explain to your husband that because of a past betrayal, you're a little more insecure about this type of thing. It doesn't mean you think he'll do it to you, but it just brought up some unpleasant memories. You get the idea...