Looking for some reassurance...Did i do the right thing?

[mrvaughn]

Feeling a bit uneven about our breakup. I know 'uneven' is a strange term to use but there isn't really any other way i feel I can describe what I feel.

 

My gf and I split 9 weeks ago.

 

There was a long line of mistrust and paranoia over the year period we were together, all from her side. She had been cheated on in a past relationship and to make matters worse for her, the cheating party was both her boyfriend and her best friend. She was always wary of "other girls who I might fancy". Even when I got a new job she stated that she was worried that I would get close to the females in the office and "start to fancy them". For this reason I ended up not going to my work night out at christmas.

 

When we started dating I lived at home with my parents, as did she. I was planning on moving into a flat, plans which she knew about, and when the right property came up I placed a bid. Up until this point we only saw each other one day/night at the weekend, and the property would mean the whole weekend together. I felt she would be happy with this as she was angling for more time than just one day/night, and that suited me too of course so was keen to my own place.

 

When my bid for the property was successful I called to share my good news with her. The response I got kinda took me aback. She said "Oh right..." in a very sombre tone and it was clear that there was something bothering her. She proceeded to say all the usual congratualtory things, but it was clear that something was wrong.

 

Later on it emerged that she actually felt anxious about me getting my own place as it could be somewhere for me to take girls back to and she would never know about it. This baffled me as, even with her issues (which I always gave her the benefit of the doubt over) she still hadn't allowed herself to trust me.

 

Needless to say that we had various arguments about the trust issues, one of which resulted in her leaving my place and heading home in her car. I called her and asked her to come back to talk properly. She did and what she then revealed stunned me. She had had an abortion the previous week.

 

In hindsight all the signs were there, physical and otherwise. I knew she was going in to hospital for something related to that area in terms of gynacology, but failed to see what was happening. She didn't want to tell me as we had a similar, but less serious, scare a couple months earlier and, due to my views on abortion, decided to not tell me as she felt she was not ready for that type of a responsibility. Regardless I felt that I should have at least been made aware as we were in a relationship together, however totally accepting that it was her choice.

 

Now it was my turn to start to feel a little mistrust. I felt that if she could lie about something that big then what else could she lie to me about. This didn't last long and forgave her due to the decidedly hard decision and circumstances, and I felt it right to forgive her.

 

Her mistrust persisted however. I had not seen my friends in 2 & a half months. It was difficult finding time to see them as they are rarely around midweek and the weekend was my time with my gf. So one friday I suggested that I may take the opportunity to catch up with them as they were an important part of my life and did not want to be one of those people who get a partner and suddenly ignore the other important people. She did not like this and stated that "the weekend is our time". I explained the situation regarding the difficulties in seeing them at other times but this did not seem to make a lot of difference, even when I suggested meeting midweek (this was always hard due to conflicting schedules and responsibilities).

 

Eventually, after over a year, we broke up. The reason for this was that, when we were in bed, I received a text late at night. This was from a male friend. The next morning she left the room and I followed and we got into an argument where she accused me of seeing someone else. his led to an argument over something else...I was going to an overnight stag night for my friend who was getting married. My gf stated that she could not be with someone who woud go to a stag because as she would put it "Anything could happen and there would likely be a stripper involved". She claimed that she has her views on things like strippers and that this would never change.

 

I told her I agreed that it would feel uncomfortable for me if the shoe was on the other foot, and that it would not be my choice if a stripper turned up. She gave me an ultimatum that she could not continue the relationship if I went. This, of course, put me in an impossible situation due to my closeness to this friend and we broke up. I felt angry that she still didn't trust me and that she failed to recognise what a difficult and, what I felt to be unreasonable decision she was forcing me to make.

 

After a few weeks and before the stag night, I called her and told her that as a compromise, I would not stay over and get the last train back home. My one condition was that she seek help about her trust issues. She agreed to this and we were due to get back together. Unfortunately in the time we were apart I had been informed of another stag do, this time for my cousin, which was to take place in a foreign country for a weekend.

 

Again I realised that this would likley be a problem and promptly told her about it, but again I was in an impossible situation as cancelling on my family could not be an option as they knew of her trust issues and would see through any excuse to not go I might make.

 

The reconciliation was off and we have remained broken up for the last 9 weeks.

 

I feel strange about it now, not happy but not devistated either. We spoke recently again about patching things up but in the end decided against it. She even stated that "I am stuck in my ways an not likely to change". I am mid to late twenties, but this was my first relationship. I wonder if what I am feeling is simply missing having someone, as opposed to missing her directly.

 

I feel the decison to stay apart is right, as I feel that if there is no trust then a relationship cannot work. I wonder if you feel the same and what your take on my story would be.

 

Replies appeciated and thanks for reading what has turned out to be a long story, even though I left a lot out which was much the same in tone.

 

Thanks,

 

MrV

[offplanet]

Her (unfounded) lack of trust in you would cause a lot of unnecessary nastiness if you two ended up together. You don't deserve any of that. You might like to find out what it'd be like to have a normal trusting relationship with someone else. Time is going by. She's unlikely to change, especially if she's not doing anything about changing this issue. She probably doesnt think she's doing anything wrong, which means that it's unlikely to change. Seeing as you just feel 'strange', but not devastated, by the break up, that's a good sign that you shouldn't do anything about trying to get back together or 'make it work'. You can do better without her. She can't help it, I guess, but still, thats no way to live.

[DN]

I think you totally made the right decision to break up - she's both mistrusting and deceitful. She says herself she would never change - let her either be alone or make someone else's life a misery.

[mrvaughn]

It's a shame she didn't see how destructive the mistrust was becoming. I made no attempt to hide my issues with it, but even now that we are broken up she still has this attitude of "that's just what i'm like, I don't trust anyone" and it certainly isn't a healthy way to be in a relationship.

 

I would like to have a normal trusting relationship with someone, and hopefully that's what will happen. I'm glad i'm not devestated over the breakup and it must be a sign that I knew it wasn't the right relationship. It was at the start when things were new and exciting, she didn't seem to have too many hangups at that time. Perhaps over the course of us being together, she felt in a comfort zone where she wasn't trying to impress me anymore and let the real her reveal itself.