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What to do here?


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Been seeing this guy for about a 3 weeks, and he's a bit on the "reserved", "shy", "introverted" area. Very career-oriented and intelligent type of guy; he's getting a PhD in Statistics so of course he's a bit geeky in a good way. I like these type of guys because I'm the complete opposite of "shy" so I find it intriguing that someone would be so shy, and it kind of attracts me to them since I find it exciting to "pull them out" of their shell. And of course he's really smart and good looking and that's always good, right?


But either way, we haven't had sex or anything since I'm still not fully over my ex, and I think he just likes taking things slow anyway. I've been initiating contact for most of the times we've seen each other and I don't mind that at all. The one time he initiated was with some random awkward lab-related excuse (we are in the same lab--different departments). I actually like doing it better than having someone "ask me out" though. Every time I do he's really eager to get together since obviously in graduate school you rarely have a social life. He also has a part time job as a GRE instructor (aside from being a paid RA), so he has even less of a life. On our third date, he said he said he hadn't been on a "date" with a girl since his undergraduate years and he made a joke that it was probably showing that he was "nervous". But it wasn't, I felt everything was totally cool since we did meet in school, and the things we had in common were obvious right off the bat (he double majored in his undergrad years and one of the majors is what I'm getting my Masters in).


Anyway, what worries me at this point is that I'll make the same mistakes I made with my ex. That I'll do all the work and then it'll leave me clueless as to how interested he was—"did I push it?" I'm also afraid that since I've been initiating most of the contact, stopping it will make him think "I'm not interested", which isn't true at all. He's really really shy and reserved, so I don't know where to go from here. How do I even know he's genuinely interested and not just being "polite"? My ex was one of those people that would go on a date just out of fear of rejecting someone so in the beginning I never really knew if he was being genuine or just plain submissive—not that I'm sure now. Is it showing that I'm still traumatized?



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It doesn't need to be an all or nothing deal. You don't need to stop initiating cold, you can just curb it a bit and give him a chance to step up if he wants to. If he doesn't, pull back even more, but just remain friendly when you see him so he can grow comfortable without being discouraged.


This isn't just about determining interest, it's about observing and recognizing the pace with which he's comfortable. He may like you but not want to see you constantly. Pulling back allows him to fill in some of the spaces if he wants to.


Good luck, and fingers crossed for you!

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Yeah, I think that makes sense. Thanks for your input. I went a day without texting/calling him at all one day, and he gave me the puppy eyes when I saw him at the lab so then he texted me that weird excuse lol so it's cute but I definitely don't want this going down the path of constant contact like it used to be with my ex. I don't know, he's overly shy so let's see if he likes me enough to do 50/50. Unless he's clueless then he should know I like him.


Wow I hate comparing everything to my ex's situation.

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