What Should I Do?

[einsteins_girl]

A few nights ago, my boyfriend and I got in a fight. It was all my fault. We had just taken a vacation somewhere, and I had had a good time (but not as great as I had expected or hoped). On the day when we were to fly home, he woke up and was really grouchy and kind of mean to me. I didn't understand why and was joking around because his grouchiness came out of nowhere. He continued to be even meaner. Eventually, I learned that he was sick, probably food poisoning. He felt terrible the rest of the day, on the flight home, and the next day, which was my last day of vacation from work. We had originally planned to use that last day to hang out and go to the movies, but that obviously couldn't happen because of his food poisoning. For some reason, his grouchiness combined with my feeling of disappointment at losing the last fun day of my vacation combined to create a spiral. I became irrationally mad at him, and I knew it was irrational, but I truly felt like I couldn't stop it. I tried not to show it, but apparently I did, and by the end of the night, when he decided to go to bed at 8 o'clock, I was at my wits end. I went into our bedroom, sobbing, told him I was irrationally mad at him, and started going on about how horrible the trip was, how it was a disaster, etc, etc. I genuinely felt all of these things. I felt so sad and devastated and, yes, mad.

 

He seemed patient but kept saying that he couldn't understand why I felt so bad because I seemed like I was having a great time on the trip. I just kept crying and tried to express what I was feeling. Eventually, we went to sleep. The next day, I called him from work to check in and he didn't answer my call. When I got home, he was cold to me. I learned later (after asking questions) that he was upset with me for the night before, and he had purposely ignored my call. He said he felt like I was blaming him for everything, and he felt like he had failed. I told him he hadn't and that I knew my anger was irrational, and I was just trying to work through it by talking to him. Well, this conversation spiraled out of control. I learned that he thought I was being too needy and "weird" lately, that he thought I was being cold to him when he was sick, and lots of other things. Some of the things he said were quite hurtful, and it was just bad. By the end of the night, I was fuming. He was going on a trip for work the next day, so I told him we might want to think while he was gone about whether we should end things. He said okay and wouldn't really talk to me anymore and got angry with me that I wouldn't let him sleep. So I said angrily, "Oh, I forgot your sleep is the most important thing." and went out to sleep on the couch. I hardly slept that night. First, I really thought I was right, and we should break up. Then I just started feeling horrible. I started realizing that I had been so unfair to him, that my reaction to his illness really had been irrational, etc., and, due to a past experience with him, I became terrified that he was going to pack his things while I was at work and leave. So the next morning, I quietly got ready for work, tiptoed into the bedroom, and asked him if I could ask one question. He said yes, and I calmly asked if he was going to pack his things and leave me. He immediately said no, and I burst into tears of relief. Full-out sobbing. I said, "Okay" but kept crying. After a minute or so, I said "Okay" again, then he said, "Okay?" and I nodded and went to work. When I got back, he had gone on his trip, but his things were still there, and I was so relieved.

 

Since he left, I've been thinking about my behavior and realized it is getting out of control. I decided I need to go back to therapy. (I had been going a couple of years ago but stopped when my therapist switched to a different, inconvenient location.) I realized I really needed to go back. I felt absolutely horrible about what had happened, so I emailed my boyfriend and told him simply that I was going to schedule an appointment with a therapist because I know something is not right with me. I also apologized for everything and wished him a safe trip. It was a short, concise email, and I ended it with "Love, einsteins_girl."

 

I tried to schedule the appointment with a therapist today, but they only schedule appointments M-F, so I have to wait until Tuesday to even schedule an appointment because of Labor Day. So I've been thinking more about what happened, and it reminded me of another time when I had a similar meltdown but on the phone with my mom. Then I started thinking about how I was approaching things everyday. Then I remembered a concept from my psychology classes in college called "catastrophizing," in which a person takes small problems and blows them way out of proportion. It's a form of anxiety, and I know now that I do this. I honestly did not realize this is what I was doing, but it is exactly what I do quite often. So I definitely plan to talk to my new therapist about this and try to work on this because it is terrible both for me and for my loved ones.

 

But... I haven't heard from my boyfriend at all since he left Friday morning. He never responded to my email. I want to email him again and just tell him that I realize I've been catastrophizing everything and that I think this is a condition I have, apologize again, and tell him again that I'm returning to therapy. But I honestly don't know if this is a good idea. It may be too late. He may just want some space right now. I don't want to make things even worse. But I also don't want him to think that I don't realize what I did was wrong. I don't want him to end things with me based solely on what happened because I am truly regretful and realize I need help, and I do NOT want to lose him.

 

So, at the end of this LONG story, here's my question: Do I email him or not? We've been together 5 1/2 years, and I honestly don't know whether I should or not. I will sincerely listen to all of your advice because I recognize that I am lost here. Thank you.

[Oneironaut]

Normally, I would say that sending the one email would be enough, but you guys have been together for such a length of time that I believe one more email would not be out of line here.

 

However, I would wait until after your first appointment with your new therapist...the reason being that it will show him that you are serious about getting help, AND it will give him some space and time to cool off and miss you.

 

If you're comfortable, tell him about the session and how it went, and what you feel you may have learned from it. As with your first email, keep it short and sweet, and to the point.

 

Everyone fights, sometimes very harshly...it's done, and all you can do now is just try to learn from this and make the most of your therapy.

 

Good luck.

[thejigsup]

DON'T SEND IT. You have done enough. Let it die down and THEN discuss it with him. This is NOT the sort of thing you talk about over email. Congrats on gettng treatment. That takes much personal responsibility and insight.

[Timahani]

Just wanted to say jokingly....stay out of the psych books. You are a normal human being, who just became overwhelmed and emotional during your vacation. I work in behavioral health and I can definantely say that this is not a case of catastrophizing an issue. I do have an hunch in my spirit however, that there is more going on in your relationship than just experiencing a "bad" vacation. Instead of sending an email, I would explore maybe the last couple of months of my relationship from both perspectives, and please ...........try to see his. Are you not being understanding of his feelings/sickness? What are your needs in the relationship? Do you feel that maybe he is not as invested in spending quality time with you? I am not sure , but you should search your heart and find the root of all these emotions......and relational issues.

 

You all have been togather such a long time, give him space, he will come around. When he does , give him a HEARTFELT apology and wrap your arms around him, and let him know that you love him, and that you are going to work hard on being more sensitive to his needs. Hopes this helps :semi-twins:

[marshmlofluff]

A few nights ago, my boyfriend and I got in a fight. It was all my fault.

 

No it wasn't. Fights take two people, and you don't strike me as someone who has a bad temper.

 

And I don't think you were upset about a couple of days of vacation--go back and read your own threads over the last few years. Show them to the counselor if you want.

 

EG, you may be upset with me for saying this but I'm going to say what I've said in previous threads. I think your real issue is what you have consistently said it is; that this fellow is not as emotionally invested in the relationship as you are, or as you would like him to be. It's been 5 1/2 years, and he hasn't asked to marry you. He already left you once. There's probably a very valid reason you are feeling angry and hurt--and maybe you should listen to your feelings instead of trying to apologize for them, and rationalize them away as a mental condition.

 

I was going to schedule an appointment with a therapist because I know something is not right with me.

 

The only thing that's wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you. When your emotional needs aren't met in this relationship, you blame yourself and think it's all your fault. And it isn't.

 

I'll just send a virtual hug and say I hope it gets better.

 

If you cannot speak to a therapist RL, but you need to talk to someone, consider telephone counseling; I believe there are crisis hotlines open 24/7 that can give you at least some short-term advice and calm you down.

[einsteins_girl]

Thanks, everyone. I am not going to send the email. While I agree with you all that there are other problems in our relationship, I know that I definitely do contribute to them. I am "worst case scenario" girl. It's like I'm incapable of having fun, and when I do have fun, but something goes awry, I take it way too seriously and personally. I can see how being around that all of the time would be exhausting.

 

Admittedly, I am very worried now. I have still heard nothing from my boyfriend.

[catfeeder]

You've done some excellent work in identifying something important, but that doesn't mean you should take it straight to the BF. He's tired--give him a rest.

 

Pursuing therapy again is a perfect idea. All of this inner spinning and analysis is the stuff to take to a hired professional, not to the BF--he's not the right place to go bLaT with every brain movement.

 

When you know you're exhausting someone, don't keep doing it. Allow things to settle and cool off. The constant taking of someone's temperature is just as tiring as the fighting itself--so pipe down, speak with a good friend or family member instead, or take it here.

 

Head high, and we care.

[einsteins_girl]

Thanks, catfeeder. I'll admit that I'm going crazy right now because he hasn't contacted me. I can feel myself spiraling, and I'm sitting here, sobbing, and I just want to text him and say "I'm so, so sorry." I just want him to say something to me. But I know I shouldn't. I just feel so sad and lost. How can he not be saying anything?

[catfeeder]

Thanks, catfeeder. I'll admit that I'm going crazy right now because he hasn't contacted me. I can feel myself spiraling, and I'm sitting here, sobbing, and I just want to text him and say "I'm so, so sorry." I just want him to say something to me. But I know I shouldn't. I just feel so sad and lost. How can he not be saying anything?

 

He needs a rest. It's not fun or inspiring to have someone dependent on your every word, it's a drag. Give him the space he needs to wind down from having your emotions sending demands all the time. If you want to keep someone in your life, become self sufficient enough to consider their needs while you tend to your own. You're spinning yourself into misery, and that's not necessary. Decide that you've made some progress in recognizing that you won't suffocate BF, and treat yourself to a reward for that. Allow BF to come home to someone who's healthier than when he left, and you'll thank yourself later.

[einsteins_girl]

Yes, you're right. I didn't text him. Deep down, I know that what he's probably feeling is justified. I am pretty certain that he is going to end things. I can't blame him. I would probably end things with me too. He has no guarantees that therapy will work for me. He has suffered with me for 5 1/2 years. It's right for him to leave. I just hope I can remember that when he ends things, so that I can let him go with love and not make things worse.

[Timahani]

Seems from reading your thread that you are quite emotional right now and you are assuming the worse. For that reason , I would agree with catfeeder. He needs a rest. The worst thing that you could do at this point is bombard him with all these emotions and texts. A relationship is about two people. Allow him to come to you, allow him to show some initiative. And most importantly, so him that you are TRULY working on your emotions, and that you are learning self-control. Remember its not always about you.....He has emotional needs as well. Right now, he needs some space.

 

I hope it eventually works for you

[einsteins_girl]

Thanks, Timahani. I have not contacted him. I appreciate everyone's advice and am definitely taking it to heart, and I agree that contacting him is not a good idea, and I should let him come to me when he feels ready. Of course, this doesn't stop my concern. As I mentioned, I often think in terms of worst case scenarios, so I can't help but think the reason he hasn't contacted me is because he's done. I personally can't imagine not contacting the person I've been in love with for five years, but I know I am not him, and I know that women often want to talk out problems while men want to be alone. I recognize he needs space right now, and I'm trying very hard to give it to him. But I'm worried and regretful and sad... and I just want him to contact me.

[marshmlofluff]

Thanks, Timahani. I have not contacted him. I appreciate everyone's advice and am definitely taking it to heart, and I agree that contacting him is not a good idea, and I should let him come to me when he feels ready. Of course, this doesn't stop my concern. As I mentioned, I often think in terms of worst case scenarios, so I can't help but think the reason he hasn't contacted me is because he's done. I personally can't imagine not contacting the person I've been in love with for five years, but I know I am not him, and I know that women often want to talk out problems while men want to be alone. I recognize he needs space right now, and I'm trying very hard to give it to him. But I'm worried and regretful and sad... and I just want him to contact me.

 

EG, you've done all one could reasonably expect to do. Now you must trust that whatever happens, you're going to be OK. Your life is more than this man. Let us suppose the worst happens, and he leaves you. The sun will still rise tomorrow, and you will still be you. He left you once, and you survived, and here you are.

 

If you look a few threads back, look what you said. These are your own words:

 

I no longer feel like I'm getting anything out of this relationship. I don't know why I'm still trying. I think about ending it almost every single day.

 

I think there must be something wrong with me that I'm settling for this. I just don't know how to let go of the relationship...

 

And if you recall how you felt then, and the things that prompted you to say that, you will realize that your needs aren't being met either.

 

Once too often, I have been where you are now and I recognize myself in you.

 

In a healthy relationship between equals, I just don't think that you would be on eggshells, getting upset and then apologizing for being upset, and always trying to please a man who is ambivalent about you, and thinking he might leave again. You seem totally worried about keeping him happy. But...what about yourself?

 

You've been with him 5.5 years. That's a long time. But it's not so long on the scale of the rest of your life. I was forced to walk away once from a six year relationship where the man would not commit. That was about five years ago, and he is a distant blip in the rear-view mirror. It all turned out OK.

 

I guess all I am saying EG is this; have faith in yourself. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. Face it calmly. If the relationship does end after this many years, it will not be because of one tiff you had--it is because fundamentally the two of you were not right for each other, and you sensed it and felt it as much as he did.

 

Whatever happens, you are going to be fine.

[einsteins_girl]

Thank you for your thoughts, marsh. I do appreciate them. Nonetheless, I can't help but feel that there are things I could (and should) have done differently. On this board, everyone hears my perspective; you don't hear my bf's. Maybe I am unreasonable. Maybe I am needy. Maybe the problem is me. He has stuck by me for five and a half years despite all of my craziness and tantrums, and yet I keep blaming him for wanting to spend time away from me. Who wouldn't? I really think there is something fundamentally wrong with me that I need to work on fixing. I know this probably sounds irrational or crazy, but I really believe I screwed up here. He has been patient for so long, and I just keep pushing, pushing, pushing. It's impossible to make me happy, yet he's been trying. Then he is sick with food poisoning, and all I can think about is myself. It's so wrong. It's just so wrong. And I feel horrible about it.

[marshmlofluff]

Then he is sick with food poisoning, and all I can think about is myself. It's so wrong. It's just so wrong. And I feel horrible about it.

 

Remember when you were sick?

 

...earlier this week, I had a doctor's appointment where I found out some scary things I might have to deal with in the future. In the middle of a sentence while telling him about the appointment, he pulls out his phone and starts listening to his voicemail like I'm not even talking anymore. When he does talk to me, his tone and words are biting, like they're intended to hurt me. So I talked to him about this, and he told me that he resents me because I prevent him from going home. (He considers "home" to be his parents' place in another state.) He also said that he hates how much I talk. That it drives him crazy and that he just doesn't care what I'm saying and gets tired of listening to it. Then he said he hates that I don't clean up the dishes more often and that I leave laundry in the dryer after it's done. He also thinks that I don't like to help him make dinner and only do so begrudgingly. He said that I'm negative all of the time, and he can't handle it. He just threw all of these accusations at me - most of them not true or exaggerated...

 

Did you dump him over that?

 

Nobody's a perfect partner. Not him, and not you, and not anybody else. Loving someone and being in a relationship means that we tolerate each other's imperfections.

 

If he can't cut you as much slack as you do him, this relationship is past its expiration date. And IMO you cut him a lot of slack. I don't think most women would tolerate being in a relationship with someone who had broken up with them once, was away two weeks a month, who made no mention of commitment after 5.5 years, and who spent the two weeks he was there mostly away in his hometown.

 

It's not surprising you feel needy and insecure; years of being with a dude who is ambivalent about you will do that. A little over a year ago, I remember you posting similar issues, and a year later, it sounds like nothing much has changed.

 

Sure, talk to the counselor--about everything, not just about this tiff. And in the meantime, just take a deep breath and tell yourself that you'll be OK, whatever happens. Because having read your threads for years, from the outside, I think I can see that this relationship really isn't all that, and never has been. It won't be the worst thing in the world if he is the one who finally finds the courage to pull the trigger--and if he does it is not the result of one tiff. Like I said, if the worst happens, the sun will go on shining, and after some intense grief you will move on with your life, and ultimately meet someone around whom you don't feel weak and needy and like dirt.

 

Lots of love,

Fluff

[Timahani]

Hey EG, Feelings are fine....being emotional is okay. But learning new coping skills to deal with overwhelming emotions are vital, in maintaining personal health, and a healthy relationship. Practice self control, do something girly, exercise, take a walk call girlfriends etc. The more you do , the less likely you are to focus on him. remember he is your boyfriend, he is not your therapist, or God..there is so much that he can possible bare.

 

God Bless you :star:

[einsteins_girl]

It's now the morning of Day 4 since I spoke to my bf. Do I just keep waiting or should I send something?

[catfeeder]

It's now the morning of Day 4 since I spoke to my bf. Do I just keep waiting or should I send something?

 

Stop counting and go do something constructive. BF knows how to reach you when he wants to.

 

If you want BF to return with a clear head and feeling better about things, allow time and distance to work their magic. Peace can be a great healer if you stop stirring things up.

[einsteins_girl]

Thank you. This next question truly comes from curiosity and not out of defensiveness... We have been together for over five years. If we were married, would you be giving me the same advice?

[catfeeder]

Thank you. This next question truly comes from curiosity and not out of defensiveness... We have been together for over five years. If we were married, would you be giving me the same advice?

 

Definitely--if you want to save the marriage.

 

Once someone feels suffocated, status isn't the point.

[einsteins_girl]

Thanks again. One more question, if you don't mind. I realize that you aren't psychic and you only know what I've said on here, but I've appreciated your concise, honest comments: do you really think he'll reach out?

[catfeeder]

While on the trip? Maybe not. Often the whole point of exiting the scene is to take a full and complete break from the source of a problem--whether that be work, family troubles or an SO.

 

This can be a good thing. It can wash away the negativity and replace it with a refreshed outlook. That's the process I'm suggesting you don't interfere with--because the only thing worse than disrupting someone's daily life with drama is disrupting the good feelings of renewal they've been allowing themselves to enjoy without guilt, without obligations, and without the demands of problem solving.

 

Do you have any interests of your own to absorb yourself in? It will help you feel a thousand times better than chewing that bone. You're setting yourself into a spiral, and that's not going to solve anything--all it does it keep you anxious. You can't gain a new perspective from doing that, and it's a dangerous mindset from which to deal with BF when he returns. It will demonstrate what you've been up to--and that's not the place you want to suck him into as a sharp contrast to the great mood you'll hope he's bringing home.

[einsteins_girl]

Thanks. Everything you are saying makes complete sense, and I definitely see how backing off and not contacting him is the best thing to do right now. Unfortunately, I don't know how to stop my own internal spiral in the meantime. My obsessive negative thinking is one of the reasons I'm going back to therapy, and I can't seem to stop it right now. Even on Saturday, when I spent the whole day with my sister and her family, I would have moments of distraction, but my thoughts would always turn back to him. After five and a half years, I have a lot of my heart and hope invested in this relationship, and I'm feeling devastated that I may be losing it. I don't know how to stop thinking about that. I know it's the best thing to do because it will help to be positive when he comes back, but the anxiety is truly consuming me. I'm just not sure that the space from me will stop him from wanting to end things. But I suppose that's part of the problem; I've never thought I was good enough for him or this relationship. I've always expected him to leave.

 

I am so messed up.

[catfeeder]

Instead of viewing your thoughts as something being done to you over which you are powerless, consider that you have choices in how to direct your own thinking. That's a decision.

 

Once you make a decision it takes time to turn the big ship around, but that can only be done by a series of small corrections over time. So the idea that you can't instantly change a undesirable habit is only partly true--you can start with a decision at any time. From there you can plot and work small steps to keep steering yourself in the right direction every day.

 

Hanging out with sister or family is wonderful, but it doesn't offer you a tangible goal to reach. Finding a hobby, an interest, a cause, or anything else that can excite you and motivate you toward an accomplishment, however small, is like a 'Lamaze' method of living. It holds up an object to lock your focus on. This motivates you to take the necessary steps to learn about it, to become involved with it, and to create some tunnel vision while you're engaged with it.

 

When your life is devoid of such things that motivate you to focus, your creativity will spin in unproductive ways--and that's how your thoughts can run rampant and destructive.

 

Consider discussing this with your therapist and ask about a behavioral treatment plan.