Silverbirch Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I just wondered what people think. I've been asking myself this of my previous ex, and I think it was when I knew I genuinely didn't ever want to be back with him. I'm now feeling that way about my most recent ex. I'm actually feeling resentful of any headspace I allow my ex to take up inside of myself right now because I feel he is SO not worth it. I can see now that there are other men out there who are genuinely nicer people who have more to offer. I'm also committed to keeping my feet on the ground. There is a man on the scene who I like, who I believe likes me too. It is a friendship at this stage, but I'm pretty sure he is hoping for more, but it prepared to wait and take things slowly. I think I made a really big mistake in the past of becoming exclusive way too soon, and I also let myself get swept off my feet. I'm old enough to know better, but what I do know is that I've shed far more tears than my ex is worth. Link to comment
ForumGuy Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 You are over your ex when you look to the future, rather than the past. Also, it may still bother you a bit (or not) at the thought of them being with someone else, but you don't lose any sleep over it. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Thanks ForumGuy, then I am at least moving towards getting over him, and maybe over him already. I'm sick of thinking about that relationship and wanting to move on. Yes, I don't know that i would lose much sleep if I found out he was with somebody. I've expected it already and had to just get used to it. Link to comment
smegs Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I can totally relate. I had the same situation, I ended a 3 yr relationship over someone that doesn't feel like he is there for me. My bad, though, the old relationship needed to end... but this new guy....ugh....i like him alot but he is just not there for me...or so it feels, and my heart hurts. I feel the same, perhaps he is a one hit wonder and doing some other chick...but my own paranoia and insecurities make me think that way too....chin up, you will meet someone worthy of your time and love. Never say never, your positive perception will get you through... Link to comment
RitaTrue Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 For me, it's when I've stopped caring--when I dont care what he's up to, if he has a new girlfriend or not. When I've stopped caring, then I'll know I'm over him =] Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Hi Smegs, Oh I feel very positive that if I want to, I will meet somebody who I want to be with, and I'm open to the possibility that as I get to know this other man more, that there is a possibility I will have that type of relationship with him. I DO like him. I'm just being a lot more cautious than I have in the past. Hi Rita, you make a good point. Link to comment
meoww Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I think when you sexually desire another person more than you desire your ex. Link to comment
hausser Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Seeing them with another person romantically and not being affected is probably the piece de la resistance. Other milestones would be, getting back dating, not associating things or places with them so much, a biggie is not wanting them back if given the choice, valuing your time to yourself, not thinking of them when you wake up, "knowing" that being with them was wrong for you, remembering their bad points in direct proportion to their good points. Feel free to add! Someone said a really good one the other day which was along the lines of being able to remember with deatched fullfillment an experience you did with your ex and being happy that, at some point in the distant past, that particular experience made them happy. Perhaps I'm not explaining it well but it was along those lines. Link to comment
C_Unknown2005 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 1: When you can wake up and focus on yourself and FORGIVE yourself. 2: When you start to love yourself again 3: When you can focus on work, school, friends etc... 4: When you stop checking social networks about them 5: When you start to notice other people your attractive towards. 6: When you can smile and have a good time with others or by yourself. It takes a while but my last semester at school started back up and I see my ex in every class. I have nothing to say to her and she dosen't effect me like she used to because I accepted the situation but never forgave her. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 I think when you sexually desire another person more than you desire your ex. LOL Meoww, this IS happening for me now!!! Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 Spent a few hours with the new man on the scene last night, just talking and getting to know each other. It was nice. I woke thinking about him and not the ex! That makes a nice change. Link to comment
lalalollipops Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 You can sexually desire anyone. It's the emotional bonding that's stronger. Hell you can lust after sb after breaking up with an ex, doesn't mean you're over the ex, just means you have lust for sb else. Link to comment
Mellie Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 I think when you can spend a significant amount of time not thinking about the ex, that's a good indicator. I'm getting better. I still feel pretty depressed and I'm not really myself, but I realised today that for the first hour of the morning I didn't think about him. And when I do, it's a fleeting thing. I'm getting to the stage (though this may change, as I have been up and down lately) where I don't feel resentment towards him. I've started to appreciate that even if reconciliation were on the cards, it wouldn't be a very good idea. I hope it all pans out for him but I don't feel the need to keep in touch. I did try online dating earlier on, but it totally flipped me out. I was comparing everyone with my ex. Now I don't feel that way. It isn't that I have my ex on a pedastal and no one else can compare. I just don't want any guy at all, him included. This is the first time I've felt like this after a breakup - I'm not sure whether it's good or bad. I did always run headlong into something new without healing, and drag along a load of baggage from the previous relationship. On the flipside though, the antipathy worries me. It isn't as though I'm having a blast living the single life, I'm pretty demotivated. I don't seem to have much enthusiasm for anything anymore, ex included. So maybe that would say I'm getting over the ex, but not the after effects of the breakup? I guess you're over the whole thing when you're feeling good and they don't play on your mind anymore. Link to comment
lalalollipops Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 I know what you mean. My apathy is scaring me alittle too. It's been 13ish months since I ended it with him. I haven't yet felt any indication of liking towards anyone! Hell I don't even remember what it feels to like sb now haha. Since I haven't liked anyone for so long! (When I started liking that one ex it was nearly 3 years ago when we started going out). Sigh. Well there's this one person I might be somewhat interested in but they have issues to deal with so lol. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 Hmm, what is sb? Well, I am POSITIVE, I am moving further and further to being over my ex. Life is short, and I really don't want to be wasting it by letting the getting over him phase take much longer than it needs to. I doubt he is letting the grass grow under his feet of his own volition. I've been seeing more of the other person, and I know for sure that I am phsycially attracted to him, and not feeling that way at all about my ex - and don't think I ever will again - not after his behaviour and having had the time away from him to process it. LLLollipops, really like your Avatar. Link to comment
lemsip Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Silverbirch, do you ever wonder if you're rebounding with this new guy? I'm just wondering where the line stops of a rebound and a new, healthy relationship. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 I've thought about that Lemsip, but I doubt it. I've actually got more in common with him than the ex, and most women would find him more attractive than the ex. I'm not planning on rushing into anything with anyone in a real hurry. Doesn't mean I'm thinking marriage or anything like that (or would he be for that matter). Lemsip, I DONT WANT MY EX ANYMORE. I think with a rebound, I would be more likely to be wanting to be with the ex and settling for what I would see as next best thing. That aint the case here. Link to comment
lemsip Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 That's great. Don't think I was questioning your judgement, I was just genuinely interested! Link to comment
LizzieD Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 5 stages of grief 1) Denial 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Depression 5) Acceptance I am guessing you're midway 2 and 3. Bargaining is when you go "dude, I have another guy here, so....". Depression will hit once he said no. Acceptance will come naturally. Don't worry, I am mid way 4 and 5. After 1.5 years. Been dating a guy for a complete 1 year. Great guy, but not up to the par of the ex-on-pedestal. Broke up with the rebound guy. I've cleaned up all traces of the ex now. I vow to stay single for the remaining 2011. Or my birthday in mid-November. Whichever I'm inclined I'm flexibleeeee. (Or lack of gumption). I have to do this. Cleaning up is not as easy as 'delete' button Link to comment
learning2relax Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 When you can enjoy the songs again that caused you pain to hear when the relationship ended. When you can feel good about someone noticing or paying attention to you. When you no longer live to get to (and past) the next milestone that represented an important event in the relationship. When you no longer mourn the potential that was never realized and the future plans you both shared. When you no longer have to push yourself to be motivated on the weekends by yourself when you spent the weekends with them. When you stop dreaming about them. When you no longer wake up with the realization that you are no longer together and it sets a sad tone for your day. When you are no longer waiting for them to initiate contact. When you can feel grateful for the lessons you have learned about yourself from the breakup. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 When you can enjoy the songs again that caused you pain to hear when the relationship ended. When you can feel good about someone noticing or paying attention to you. When you no longer live to get to (and past) the next milestone that represented an important event in the relationship. When you no longer mourn the potential that was never realized and the future plans you both shared. When you no longer have to push yourself to be motivated on the weekends by yourself when you spent the weekends with them. When you stop dreaming about them. When you no longer wake up with the realization that you are no longer together and it sets a sad tone for your day. When you are no longer waiting for them to initiate contact. When you can feel grateful for the lessons you have learned about yourself from the breakup. Fantastic post Learning2relax. I would say I can tick all of these boxes/ Thank you. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 5 stages of grief 1) Denial 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Depression 5) Acceptance I am guessing you're midway 2 and 3. Bargaining is when you go "dude, I have another guy here, so....". Depression will hit once he said no. Acceptance will come naturally. Lizzie, I am NOT bargaining with the ex. I no longer wish to be in contact with him, and we no longer have shared acquaintances/friends so who and what each of us do is extremely unlikely to get back to the other. What I do, who I see is none of his business, and I no longer care what he does or who he sees. I have no plans of reporting to him, just want to move on now. Link to comment
Mellie Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 5 stages of grief 1) Denial 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Depression 5) Acceptance I am guessing you're midway 2 and 3. Bargaining is when you go "dude, I have another guy here, so....". That's not the way I understood it. I thought bargaining was "please don't leave me" and all that malarky. If you've managed to skip that step Lizzie, I'll gladly trade places with you Link to comment
lalalollipops Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 When you can enjoy the songs again that caused you pain to hear when the relationship ended. When you can feel good about someone noticing or paying attention to you. When you no longer live to get to (and past) the next milestone that represented an important event in the relationship. When you no longer mourn the potential that was never realized and the future plans you both shared. When you no longer have to push yourself to be motivated on the weekends by yourself when you spent the weekends with them. When you stop dreaming about them. When you no longer wake up with the realization that you are no longer together and it sets a sad tone for your day. When you are no longer waiting for them to initiate contact. When you can feel grateful for the lessons you have learned about yourself from the breakup. I don't believe I'm 100% over my ex. But I can say a YES to every one of these points except the first one. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Waaaaahhh....I can't tick off any of them!!! 3 nights ago I was dreaming that I kissed his neck in the car and said "I love you", then the alarm went off. So I guess I still dream of him. I know he won't intitiate contact, even tho I called and left a msg. the otherday and asked him to call and leave a msg saying how much he loved the knew woman (he already told me in June he did, but haven't heard from him since) That he sees no future for us at all. And please come get your stuff." I doubt that I will hear from him. NC just makes me miss him MORE. I'd rather hear CRAP coming from his mouth. I never got that. He was the type to always tell me what I wanted to hear....even tho it was all lies. His actions told the truth, but I was always one for words. In fact, that was one thing we fought about....I need words of affirmation, and he couldn't do it! Now I need words of affirtmation that he DOESN"T love me, and he still can't do it!!! LOL Link to comment
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