Is it normal to push one's closest loved one away while grieving?

[samhradh80]

Hi Miri. I am going through something similar. Ex bf father died suddenly. All seemed well in the beginning, i supported him through everything. He seemed to cope well. Slowly his behaviour became selfish and more distant. I dismissed it as a difficult period in his life. I stood by him, loved him, worried for him. 12 mths later just before his dads anniversary he broke up with me. He was cold, uncaring and a person i never knew existed. 6mths post break up we have had no contact and i torment myself continually wondering how he could walk away the way he did after 4 yrs, like i never mattered, never existed. Counselling has thought me one thing..... I cannot make my happiness dependant on an external circumstance outside of my control. It is certain failure. I may never understand how or why but that cannot stop me from moving on. I must fnd my own closure. I'm not there yet but I`m working hard and its getting easier.... Best wishesfor your healing.

[Sat]

I also have been going through something similar, I was dating a man 2 years ago only for a short period and then his brother passed away...you know the rest of the story...he left me behind. It was hard at first to understand what I did wrong, but with time I realized it was not about me. This is what you have to realize too, which I must admit I sometimes forget. I have giving him his space and slowly we started chatting again and even seeing each other on odd occasion but then he drifts back to his dark place. He is not anywhere ready for a relationship and I have to remind myself all the time so I will not get false hope. Now it is up to me to decide, do I wait? Will he ever be ready? and I also have to face the fact that the day he might be ready for a relationship it might not be with me. In the end I will be the best person I can and be supportive and understanding. What happens, happens.

 

I see from Mimmi’s blog that you are still trying to understand what you did wrong and how can he not care about your feelings. All I can say is let go the guilt, you have done nothing wrong you have acted as any one of us would when seeing a love one suffer, unfortunately they need time, they do not have the energy to deal with our emotional stuff that is why they are pulling away. I have spoken to a few men who have lost a parent and they all said the same, they had no energy...which to a woman this could be confusing, because they seem to have the energy to get together with their buddies, go to work, plan all kinds of activities, but none with us....also part of the grieving process...to keep busy, but no energy for an intimate relationship. This is not the time for us to say “what about me”? We have to be the bigger person and be unselfish. It is all about what they are going through not what you are feeling. I know this part is really hard...but he is going through something much much bigger and deeper.

 

If you still want this man the only thing I can suggest is to send him an email..just simple like, Hey you, you will never guess who I saw the other day...or what I did....keep it very light, if his Birthday is coming up..say something funny about being a year older as if nothing even happened... guys like humour...see what happens...If he does respond, just keep the conversation very light..and you might see that he will respond better to this approach. I am not saying it will work...but what have you got to lose?

[lowest point]

I don’t know how I found this place, maybe it just found me? But I have read through every post in this thread and it hits home hard what has happened to me.

 

Today would have been my mum’s birthday. She was diagnosed with breast cancer almost a year ago, suddenly my world crumbled and I was scared of losing her but I thought that she would get better, after a month in hospital she was released for enough time to enjoy her last Christmas. In January she was moved to a hospice and lost her battle so suddenly.

 

My girlfriend stood by me the whole time, she was close to my mum and she helped me through.

 

The funeral was in February and I felt myself changing and my focus was not on my relationship anymore. In March I took my girlfriend on holiday to try to escape from my feelings and as soon as we arrived back I got ill and developed psoriasis on my body.

 

I had alot to come to terms with, I felt physically ugly, needy and not worthy of my girlfriend. I lost focus on the relationship and I thought that she would do better without me as I was now a broken man and not the person that she met.

 

I ended it about a month later and my only thought was “if you love somebody set them free – if they come back then it is yours forever” – I prayed that she would come back.

 

I bought a house and I moved out of her flat where I was living and I concentrated on myself – It was almost like I was an island and I built a wall around me and pushed everyone away who reminded me of old times, including my dad who I stopped speaking to. I felt that I didn’t deserve them. I concentrated on my work and renovating the house but the entire time in my mind I was renovating the house as a family home for my girlfriend and her daughter and my sons – the children were from previous relationships.

 

I didn’t hear from her, the months passed and I got better, the psoriasis cleared and I spent time in the gym and slowly started feeling my old self again and I was ready to tell her. Two weeks ago I tried to call – but she had changed her number.

 

So I sent an email trying to explain - and there was no reply.

 

I panicked and sent some flowers with a note asking her to call me. She did call in tears saying that her boyfriend had seen the flowers and it had caused rows.

 

She then sent a text saying that she couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to realise what she meant to me and that she was in a strong relationship now.

 

I sent another email a few days later to apologise for sending the flowers but my only regret was not sending them sooner I also told her that it hurts that she is not speaking to me after what we went through. But now she won’t reply.

 

I just want her to know that she is the most important person in the world to me and that I never stopped loving her or thinking of her for one single second. But now she will never know it.

 

I want her to know that there is a home here for her and her daughter and I want to have a family with her and make the commitment that she wanted me to before – we regularly looked at rings. But now she will never know it.

 

If I had a time machine I would jump into it right now. I am trying to explain this from the side of someone who ended their relationship after losing a parent, and no other reason, but to be honest I still can’t explain what happened – I now know that I was depressed and I guess it’s an instinct to push people away when you are ill.

 

I’m not going to defend anyone’s actions, least of all mine,- but it is slightly different when someone ends a healthy relationship to grieve – There was no grass is greener and nobody else involved.

 

I am writing this so it is here forever, maybe one day she will find this place or maybe it will find her?

[scared and alone]

Whenever I am grieving my dad I am very anti-social, just want to be alone. Its not a personal thing against anyone, I just cant handle other people and literally need to be alone, no matter how much they are trying to help. At least for me, the best way to help me when I am in a total depression in grief, is to just leave me alone. This year it was 13 years since my dad died and for days, all I wanted was to just be 100% alone. I couldnt stand when the phone rang, even if it was with the best intentions. I was too overwhelmed with my grief that I didnt WANT any attention.

[Rachael2411]

Reading all this threads are making me feel like I am not the only one out there suffering from my partners griefing process. Thankyou all for sharing.

My partner lost his father 11 months ago the day before New Year's Eve and I stood by him and his family I was there through it all I loved his father he was such a special and strong man and his strength was shown through out his fight with cancer.

At the time of his death of course it was emotional and over whelming and sad. And we all suffered and all grieved for sometime my partner was a complete mess and a few weeks after I needed to put my grief aside and look after him my natural instincts where to protect nurture listen love and not to push him give him his own space. He turned to substance abuse and spent majority of his time in his shed causing me to worry and I new he was suffering and it was only getting worse but I was afraid to speak up I turned to his family and to my friends and family and I was comforted by then saying just let him go but I no longer could I could see him fading away this behaviour improved 3 months ago he no longer sits in his shed but his anger, moods, laziness, and turbulent behaviour is pushing me away I feel he is acting this way so I leave him argument after argument accrue and i just let it slide an think it will get better. But I'm at the stage where I dont think it will. I can no longer talk to him about anything I'm afraid what ever I say will turn into a argument I'm walking on egg shells each day and feel my depression is coming back after I have worked so hard at dealing with it. I have made numerous appointments for him at a counsellor with his agreement after a argument and wanting there help but once the time comes to go to the appointment he finds a excuse not to go. He does not come home some days until early hours of the morning, I cook dinner each night and he does not return I run his house or him and take all the pressure of him but its coming back to bite me. I want to be here for him I love him so much but what ever I do or try to do is wrong in his eyes he has turned into a selfish man a man he never was a man that worries me all I want is for his old self to come back something I know his father would want.

Last night a argument occurred and for once I argued back and let out my feelings and how confused I am it was a argument I never want to experience again my partner broke down for the fist time in just under 11months I felt so horrible he was mentioning about wanting to end his life a number of times. (Not to mention our mate did this 3 months ago and we were there so it adds to both of your stresses and grief) he says he will change and try hard to deal with his emotions and grieving I just hope not does. What am I ment to do? It's so heartbreaking to see ur loved one change and push them self away it's so scary and horrible. My min each day is mumbled I would hate to know how his brain is feeling. I personally can't think straight I just hope I am on the right track and hoping for some advice or reassurance from someone my family and his family are no longer a option to use as when he finds out I have seen them I get abused for seeing them even when he doesn't know I have been relying on them for support I have no one to talk to maybe it's best I do leave for awhile so he can come to terms with reality...get him self back on track find a job and get his routine back??? I apologies for all of this confusing and ranting

[Lync]

I've read the posts in this thread and they all sound so similar, I'm afraid that the person I care about will never come back to me.

 

To elaborate, my friend and I had met online in-game. Over the past few months we'd developed a relationship where we would talk to each other via Skype calls every day. We both wanted to get jobs before starting a relationship though, so, although we acted very loving towards each other, there was no official relationship of boyfriend/significant other/whatnot. There is half a continent between us. Suddenly, at the end of October, his grandfather died. While he seemed unhappy about it, he did not immediately shut me out of his life. About a week later, after the election, I noticed that where he used to initiate contact, he is cold and distant. When I asked him if he was angry at me, he replied that no, he wasn't, but rather he was angry at the world for screwing him over so many times, for not having a job, that his parents had even birthed him in the first place. I let him know that if he ever needed to take his anger out, I would be there to listen, to which his response was that his anger was just fine where it was locked up inside of him. He has since stopped responding to my texts, which consist only of "Good night" or "Rest well", and has not logged on to Skype at all (the circling rings next to my unsent messages are still there). When he is online in the game we played together so much, he will not so much as even acknowledge I exist, except to respond to any casual talk about the game I might share with him with negativity. His friends were oblivious that he had been displaying such anger and negativity, meaning that I am the only one, aside from perhaps his parents, who has received such treatment. I have been giving him space, not attempting to message him in game. While I was playing recently though, I was listening to our server's TeamSpeak, which we were both on at the same time. And what shocked me was how normal he sounded and how casually he interacted with strangers compared to the coldness he displayed towards me.

 

I feel like the person I knew has died, and in his place is some stranger who is just like him but doesn't know or care about me. I know that this isn't about me, it's about him and his grievances. But I would be a liar if I said it didn't sting. I have received multiple assurances from both my friends and his, as well as my therapist, that he will come around. But, after reading your posts, I am even more pessimistic that this will happen.

 

I feel like I've failed as a friend, since he doesn't seem to even consider me that anymore. Everyday I sit in front of my computer in agony as to whether today will be the day he finally contacts me to end everything. I feel like I have to watch him suffer while I can do nothing but watch. I can feel myself slipping into depression again; nothing tastes good anymore, I can't focus on studying, and I can't even enjoy playing the game, because even if he is on, he won't so much as look at me or talk about trivial things like we used to.

 

People might tell me to move on, but the truth is he's the only person that's expressed love for me in such a way, and that there is no one I would rather be with. I've decided I'm going to send him a replica scarf from a game we both like that I've been working on for a while. It was originally a personal project, but now, I think it might do him more good if he received it for Christmas. I worry that he'll just throw it away though without even opening the package once he sees it's from me, and that he'll be this way for good. I don't know what to do. I am terrified, not just for me, but for him as well.

[Balkire]

Moggs I am deeply sorry to hear that you are going through this as well. It is horrible and painful how this person can just completely shut you out without explanation. It is very irrational. I wonder if it's as simple as a matter of brain chemistry - if the stress and trauma of what they are going through just makes them cut off all other emotional attachments? I don't know. I do know that my ex seems like an entirely different person, even physically, now a year later. I can barely recognize him in recent photos. I understand that grief can change everything and the process must run its course, but to go to such extremes seems emotionally unhealthy to me.

 

I am truly sorry for each of your experiences, but I can't help but be angered by the one above. Grief, is a monster. While I was particularly close to my father, and he was older, and I had some warning, I was and remain devastated, lost and isolated. I have laughed. I have worked. I am so far from being the person I was though. If you read the books on grief, as the original poster did, you will learn this is all normal. You will, sadly, know this yourself one day. I am very sorry for the pain each of you have felt. I can tell you that I am ending a 12 year marriage since my Father's death. He wouldn't leave our issues alone for 5 minutes from the time before and after my loss and perhaps it might have made a difference. This was my Father - the books will tell you one's identity. Self-worth, etc, are impacted with the loss of a parent. Don't be too critical and don't blame yourselves. I wouldn't give up hope but I would walk away - be there if you can but occassionally and if asked.

[mhowe]

I agree with ^. Having lost my father 6 yrs ago...and the following heartache and grief. Was not in relationship at the time...but am now, and dealing with the impending death of my mother. It is hell. I want bf close -- and then just explode. There is nothing he can do -- but hold me. It is an incredibly difficult place to be -- and incredibly difficult for the significant other to find that "place" or way of being there for you.

 

Realize it is not truly about the relationship. It is an immense dark void -- and we all will someday traverse it.

[Sat]

To Lowest point,

 

Thank you for finding us. It is nice to hear from the other point of view, from the one grieving. I am sorry to hear about your mother and am sorry to hear that your girlfriend did not wait for you...it is a hard one. I had to struggle with the.."Do I wait or move on"...I decided to wait and in the end I waited for nothing...

I hope she finds you again.

[Pollara]

It is funny (almost ironic) that I found this post by chance when my bf's mother passed away. Until then, I could never imagine that this thing can actually happening. I thought that people usually turned to their significant other in order to feel comforted. But then of course I became one like you!

My story goes like this: I was with my bf in a long distance relationship for 2 months before his mother passed away (acutally the 1 of the 2 months we were together and then i left for another country while I knew him for 2 months before we got together). His mother was struggling with cancer for a lot of years (more than en) but there were 3 times that she had managed to be cured, so I think that even this 4th time he hoped that the same will happen again. Finally, his mother died 7 months after her last diagnosis. After the incident he told me that he needs sometime but he returned after a week to his usual skype/text routine so I still was hoping that this won't happen to me. He even planned a trip to come and see me. He set the trip to be almost two months after the incident. During this two months he became distant, stopped texting and call me so usually but once in 3 days, but I was ok since he still had some contact and of course I had read a lot about grief. And then he came and I realized that he suffers from depression. He was bored of everything, didnt talk a lot etc. Of course it was only two months after the death of his mother so in my opinion it was natural this thing to happen. Before that I should tell you that I was planning to go back to our country for summer and to be with him in order to comfort him. And I had asked him: do you want to come back?because you told me that you are feeling down and he had told me: of course yes, it would be a breath of fresh air to be around. So when he came and I saw him like this I asked him again: are you sure you want me to return for summer?Because I don't want to be a burden to you. And then he told me that he really doesn't know. That he was ok for he first few weeks after the incident but then he became bored of everything including me and that he is waiting to see whether his boredom is temporary or permanent. Of course although I wanted to told him that it cannot be permanent I didn't. I told him that I understand that he doesn't have the emotional strength to put in our relationship while it is natural to go out with his friends and not to worry. So in the end he told me to do what I think it would be better for me. As you might probably realizing this was devastating for me, but I try not to show him anything and the next days continued like nothing had happened. Taking him hugs and having sex whenever he felt like that. And then he left.

I know that there is no hope for our relationship and I am on a comfusing state on what to do. Should I return back to my country and try to act as a friend?should I stay here, tell him that it would be better to take his time and that I will be waiting for him? From what I read, I didn't see anyone who chose this path to return to their significant other and although I try to be optimist, I know that nothing will change and in the best case scenario we will end up friends. Any comments/ opinions?Thanks a lot and sorry for my long post

[mhowe]

You need to do what is best for you. He will process his grief ....as he processes it.

 

I have just reconnected w/ my bf in the past week after the death of my mother --- back in Jan. And in our time apart --- we had very little contact. And I felt numb, or crushed --- and in no way was able to put any emotional energy into being a gf to him....and he understood/understands.

 

I am finally feeling like I am back to my old self, and not just going thru the motions. But everyone has their own speed.

 

My advice would be to do what you need to do for you. When he is ready to re-start his life --- he will either contact you or not. You can keep in touch, so he knows you are open to it -- but please, don't "wait" on him.

[Pollara]

At least you give me some positive thinking! I only had read unsuccessful stories so I was pretty devastated. Well the fact is that we are both very picky on chosing SOs that is why I am thinking so much over it, and you know, I am not a saint or martyr or something but I am thinking that if I left him now, because of this, wouldn't that mean that I failed as a girlfriend? In any case what I was thinking to tell him is that I will stay here to work and don't go on summer holiday, and this would be better, so if he wants we can put everything in pause in order not to have one thing more to worry about, I will be there whenever he feels like talking to me, and we can see our "relationship" when I will return permanently at autumn if he is better. or something among those lines.

[mhowe]

I would not base my plans on his timeframe....don't give up a holiday --- that would only serve to make him feel guiltier than he already does.

 

Putting things on pause is okay -- but you have to accept that this process for him may last longer than a few months.

[kb821]

I would not base my plans on his timeframe....don't give up a holiday --- that would only serve to make him feel guiltier than he already does.

 

Putting things on pause is okay -- but you have to accept that this process for him may last longer than a few months.

 

 

So I have just found this site and have read through all of the posts. My boyfriend of 5 years has just broken up with me 2 days ago now. We were in a long distance relationship which we had kept going over the 5 years with the intentions of being together at the end of this year when i had finished my degree. His brother passed away almost 1 year ago now, the anniversery of which is in 3 weeks. He told me two days ago, that he doesn't want to be with me anymore because it reminds him of the life when he was happy when his brother was alive. Just a month ago we had planned to meet each other for a trip while he was going to be away working (which was supposed to happen in July), but then suddenly he has changed his mind and turned cold. He acted as if he didn't care anymore. Even as he was breaking up with me he told me 'I was the love of his life'.... and then he said he had moved on, and that he doesn't want me to ever contact him again. I was so hurt by his words, and don't even know what to say.. I love him and i have read all your posts about moving on, but how do you do that when they say things like that? I know he is grieving, he has told me he can't deal with this and that he wants to be alone, but I can't deal with that either.

Sadly our conversation ended by me making him agree to see me one last time. He gave me an ultimatum, saying he would see me for 10 mins, but hate every minute of it and then hate me for it. How does someone say things like that ?

I'm so hurt, but i feel guilty too for pressuring him into this, now i think i should tell him to forget what i said and that i understand that he needs to move on...

[mhowe]

Let go with love...and let him be. There is nothing to be gained in a another talk.

[kb821]

How do you let go of love??

The thing is, I do understand he needs to be alone right now, but I don't want to move on and selfishly I don't want him to either. I guess deep down I was hopeing that if we got to see each other one last time he might change his mind. I know im just dreaming, but its hard to let go. Being with someone else and starting a new path in life at 31 isn't really what I had planned these last 5 years.

[mhowe]

By cherishing your time together...and letting go of expectations of a future.

 

Right now, one last talk will do NOTHING to further your agenda....as he has told you -- he will resent it.

 

So, your only option -- is to walk on into your future.

[Bearey28]

Wow! NOW I know I am not alone!! It did feel it was the loneliest journey I had to endure... my boyfriend (on and off - now ON) of over a year lost his ex-wife last June. She hanged herself on his birthday after their phone conversation. She called him to wish him a happy birthday (they have been separated since the December before) and asked him if he was happy. As a honest as he had always been, he replied "Yes."

 

His happy world turned into a dark world the very next day he found her hanging body in the basement of her house. I moved in with him two weeks earlier... of course, I stayed with him so I'd make sure he ate, take care of his two dogs that had been living with the ex-wife the whole time they have been separated, etc. I went to see my wonderful counsellor and she gave me heads up on how grieving people's emotions and thoughts would be. She nailed everything! Of course, she had experienced a big loss of her best friend.

 

Anyway, the day after the funeral, he broke up with me. My emotions went from mourning for the ex-wife's death suddenly changed to full fledged anger and hate towards her. I did make plans to move out but things had been blocking me from finding a place to move in. Three weeks after the funeral... my boyfriend sat me down and told me that he did miss having sex with me and that every sex we had was awesome and he felt that it was the only way he could have connection with me - yes - through sex... I was desperate to have any kind of physical contact with him. So I went ahead... we were friends with benefits.... gradually, we were able to start having a relationship again...we took ONE DAY AT A TIME. That is our motto. I am still living with him but we sleep separately. He needs his own space.

 

Now it is nearly May and June 16th is not that far off.... we are very close and he knows I will stick around even when he in his darkest moments. He knows I will allow him to go and grief whenever he needs to.

 

I have to tell you all... please google EMDR. That is how I am able to let go emotionally and my boyfriend is able to breathe alot more as I have let my claws around him loosen and I have gained back my independency, most importantly, MYSELF! EMDR has helped me so much!!! Unbelievable!

 

Thank god for this forum - I am no longer jealous of the ex-wife... I always thought he was grieving her death simply because he was still in love with her... but nope... grief and pushing away loved ones are normal regardless of what kind of relationship the mourner had with the deceased. He says he does not love me but I know he does care deeply about me. I am just focusing on myself, my life, my son, my business, and the positive moments we have together.

[kb821]

Thankyou for your reply, although its not what I wanted to hear, I know you are right. Its only been a week since we broke up, so i know it will take some time, but I will tell him when im ready that he was right and that its best we don't meet again.

[Pollara]

I would not base my plans on his timeframe....don't give up a holiday --- that would only serve to make him feel guiltier than he already does.

 

Putting things on pause is okay -- but you have to accept that this process for him may last longer than a few months.

 

no it's not that I gave up holiday because of him. The fact is that at that time it is same for me either to stay here and work and leave my work earlier (since my contract ends in autumn) or go for holidays and extent my work. It is true that one of the reasons that I would have gone back to my country would be to support him. Of course I didn't tell him that I won't go on holiday because of you. And I also knows that this situation might take even years. What I did was that when he contacted me to ask what I will finally do, I told him that I will stay here and leave earlier for autumn. That I also had noticed that he is somewhat distant but I will wait till he is ready and if he wants to tell me to break it up he can do it, I understand that he feels very pressured and I don't want to be a burden to him. Well he actually didn't answer to any of my questions but just told me that it would be nice to stay here and work. Since then we only spoke twice and not a real dialog but more than a chit chat on a friendly level like how are you etc. He initiated the contact.

I guess he doesn't know what to do, and he probably doesn't want to make a decision that he will regret it later, so he prefers not to answer or make relationship related conversations. I also understand that. Well, from now on I will focus on my work and I will see how things will be when I return and if I still can "wait" or just let it go and be there as a friend to him if he wants

[bryce2102]

Hi everyone.

 

I'm glad I found this forum, because I thought that I was the only odd one experiencing such feelings. And yes, I can empathize with you Miri, and somehow feel that it relates to my situation.

 

I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 8 months before I broke off with her after my mum passed away from cancer. The first 4 months was going fine, until the last 4 months just before she passed on. It was a tough 4 months, having to juggle work, part time studies and taking care of my mum. It pained me to see her getting thinner everyday and honestly, it was a stressful and tiring period for my dad and I who took turns to care for her. He was doing it most of the time, and I'll help out the moment I came back from work.

 

During those days, I couldn't spend much time with my girlfriend because I had to take care of my mum. She was understanding and offered to come over to my place to accompany me at times. We had our fair share of arguments and disagreements at times, in part because I couldn't cope with so many things on hand. She shared with me that she was feeling restricted and not herself during those months, but I wasn't able to sit down and have a good chat with her during those times, but she still hung around for me.

 

Even when my mum passed away, she came over to help with the funeral arrangements and was constantly by my side. But I felt that the dynamics in our relationship had changed, I felt her presence physically, but could not connect with her emotionally. We had a talk a few days later, and she told me she didn't share many of her feelings (happy, sad, angry etc) with me during those months. I asked her why, and she said that she didn't want to agitate me. She also said that she felt restricted and needed assurance. I then initiated a break off, because I felt that she couldn't understand me and had chosen the wrong time to bring up this topic.

 

A few days later, I told her that I truly regretted what I did, and that I was too caught up with my mum's death. I also asked if we could get back together, but she declined, because she was still very hurt by my actions. Till now, one month later, we still keep in touch, but on a surface level. Many of my friends told me to keep in touch with her and to get her back. But honestly, it's hard to, when dealing with my mum's death is one of the things I have to get over.

 

I also noticed she has been pretty cold towards me, her replies to my texts are usually brief. Honestly, I wish I could start all over with her again. But yet, there were many issues that led up to this. And I question myself if holding on to such hopes will be worth it.

[mhowe]

In essence, your relationship was only 4 months old when you had to deal with your mom's illness and subsequent passing. Your gf, rightly so..put your relationship on hold and was there to support you. And when she expressed her feelings, you asked for a.break.

 

I have just lost my mum as well. And my bf and I put our relationship on hold..because I had nothing to give to it. After another 3 months post death, I am just regaining my emotional footimg.

 

He has been supportive, but not intrusive. And we have been together 4 years.

You are going thru a.difficult time. Don't be in a rush to reach out before you are ready.

 

It is possible that your relationship was not long enough, or with enough of a base to weather this storm. Heal yourself before you try to heal the relationship.

[Pollara]

Well bryce2102 I don't want to influence you or something, my situation kinda related to yours in some way. I was with my bf two months when this incident happened (lost his mom due to cancer). I was also going to his place because of his mother but we never had any kind of arguments etc. Of course it happened the opposite to me. One month after the incident he became pretty distant towards me and lately I asked him if he had broken up with me. He told me no that he hasn't but he is thinking over it. Well I am a very patient person and I totally understand him and so I told him not to think about our matter this time since this is not the right time to take decisions. Since I live in a different country for the time being I told him to just leave it as it is, focus on his grief and that we will discuss this matter when I will return (autumn) if he feels better. But I am not the kind of girl who likes to push things and I really think that it is not about me but about him and he should take his time and not get rushed on a decision. I am not there anyways so what is the reason in rushing? Of course he might not get back. I am very aware of it, but I prefer waiting him to take a decision in a right state of mind rather than pressure him. On the other hand I understand your girlfriend. Although you grievers don't have any bad intent, it is very hard for us to believe that someone loves us and doesn't do anything towards us and he even doubts the relationship. It is difficult because people grieve differently and I wouldn't do that (probably your girlfriend too). In my opinion just try to earn her trust. But if you don't have it in you since you are very pressed due to your grief just let it go. In the end, if she chose not to wait and didn't understand what you feel then she might not have been the right girl for you. I am wishing you the best

[bryce2102]

Well, it's all over. Met up to talk and she shared that she was already seeing someone after we broke up. And he was the one who was there for her during those moments she really needed me. It was hurtful to hear that she had moved on so quickly. Whatever it was, I'm trying to get over this feeling and move on.

 

And yes, I do agree that it's important to heal myself, no matter what has happened. I do hope that those of you who are experiencing it (be it griefing or supporting the griefing party), hang in there. Things happen for a reason and it's for us to learn the lessons behind them.

[kb821]

Seems like its all over for me too.... I finally spoke to my ex (well he finally answered my text) and I told him I wouldn't meet him anymore on his trip, so not to ruin it for him. He was more cold than when we broke up, even saying more hurtful things. He said, he doesn't want happiness anymore and that he has no happy memories in his life of anything and just continued with his wishes for me to never contact him again and let him be alone. I'm so hurt, I can't even believe this is happening....

Of course everyone grieves differently but I don't believe in things happening for a reason anymore. I did hang in there and would have done anything for him, its been a year since his brother died. We were fine until a month before the anniversary of his death, and that's when he said he had moved on and didn't want to talk anymore. Of course he is grieving, but there is no excuse to just shut people out completely and treat them as if you never cared. People make their choices. The only lesson I learned and not to be negative 'bryce2102' is not to get close to people.

Sorry for this negative message, I just needed to cry and vent for a bit...