Dumped, but do I move on or could we get back together?

[Rhinog]

My girlfriend of almost 10 months broke up with me last night. She said it was entirely a problem with her, that she didn't want a boyfriend at all for the next two years because she couldn't cope with the stress of a relationship, feeling obligated to meet up etc, when she has two years of hard work ahead to gain a degree. She's an extremely determined person and is obsessed with getting a 1st class honours, which is something I admire in her but she can take to the extreme (almost a phobia of not being the best). It has caused arguments before, but we have always resolved them and I've been trying to be more understanding. We're both in the same year of uni, and will have similar demands on our time next year. I tried to persuade her that we could work this out and only meet on her own terms, but she seemed determined to end it, because she felt it would be unfair on me and she'd feel guilty.

 

One of the things I have found difficult is that over the past year we have been so close during the term time, seeing each other most days (which in many respects I think was too much too soon), yet in the holidays (which are ridiculously long!) we are almost an LDR and she ended it over the phone. When we last saw each other two weeks ago, we were on very good terms and had a lovely time. So I don't know how things have changed so much in these two weeks, especially not seeing her face-to-face, that she doesn't want to continue the relationship, yet when I asked if she felt this way two weeks ago, she said no, but that people change. Another exacerbating factor is that she's had a lot of stress at home recently - her mother's been unwell (and she hasn't been 100% either), and a relative passed away in the last few days (which reminded her of other bereavements in the past year). But why lose the relationship too!

 

I'm posting on here because I was just wondering the best way to move forward. I care about her deeply, and am feeling surprisingly calm at the moment (!) but I'm not sure I feel ready to accept that all is lost. I asked her one last favour, which was that we met up in person to discuss this, and may meet up in a week's time. I want to give her space, so I'm not planning on contacting her before then & am just going to go on as normal. She wants to stay good friends.

 

There are two things that make me wonder whether it is worth 'hanging on' in the hope of reconciling this:

1. The fact that she's broken up at a time when she's massively stressed.

2. The fact that she says I didn't do anything wrong and the problem is that she's too set on her career. I'm not sure whether to accept this as an honest answer, because I feel that there must have been something I have done to make her decide that that was the case & I know I've been far from a perfect boyfriend (but who is? I've tried my best...)

 

Am I deluded thinking that we could get back together and make this work? Should I meet her in person in a week's time? Could it just be a rash decision because she is overwhelmed with stress? I'd love to think that I could help her through uni, to cope with the stress of it all, rather than being an additional burden. But perhaps she's made up her mind. I don't want to end up clinging on for months (or even more) in a vain hope of getting together, but at the same time I don't feel quite ready to accept that all is lost.

 

I would really appreciate any advice & thanks for your time reading this

[1m50L0nl3y]

Dude it doesn't matter the reason aka lame excuse of why she dumped you, what matters is the result. Why do you want to meet with her? So she can dump you again but this time in person? Seriously, what you should be focusing on right now is what silly mistake you made that got her to the point of ending things with you, learning from it, improving yourself and dating someone else.

The only way a dumper wants you back is when you get out of their lives and they begin to miss you and regret their choice, if you stay there like the "best friend" trust me she will never value you oh yes and you will be the first one to hear about her boyfriend. Just back up. She claims to be stressed then give her a vacation from YOU.

[Rhinog]

Thanks for being honest. I think I'm just going to have to leave it, she's seemed more distant for a while now and I think because we were so intense so soon (because we were so near each other) the main problem has been the struggle of trying to establish boundaries after the initial honeymoon period. I think she's needed more space and when she's asked for it I've felt that I've done something wrong, when really she still cared and that made her feel guilty, creating trust issues. I spoke to a friend of hers, and she was really honest and said that ultimately our ideas of what we wanted from the relationship weren't compatible. I won't go and meet up with her or contact her. If she does decide she regrets the decision, I'll give it some thought and try to start afresh.

 

One last thing, do you think I should delete all the photos of us on facebook? Untag myself from them? Block her entirely? She's been a close friend and I don't want to lose the friendship but at the same time there's no point just being friends because I'm going to want something more. Trouble is, I can't completely block her out of my life because we're going to be living literally 50m away from one another next year...

[DN]

If she wants to put her education and career as her only priority then that is her decision and you should not fight it. Just walk away and find someone who understand that balance in life is much more sensible.

[1m50L0nl3y]

That's going to be NEXT year you still have a couple of months to let her meditate her stress issues. I recommend you to delete and block her from facebook, msn, yahoo, skype, delete her number just in case you feel "tempted" to call.. if by next year she misses you then she will contact you by email or a phone call. Also deleting her from facebook doesn't mean that you are not her friend, it only means that you don't consider her as close as to have access to your life 24/7. That's a privilege that she lost.

I did the same to my ex, now she wants me back, from cold and aloof, to passionate, even offering sex and holiday trips. When you take yourself out of the equation you are winning control over the situation, and you are turning the tables, now to her it seems she dumped you, but I promise you if you delete and block her the one feeling rejected is going to be her, and ultimately the one searching and burning for you is going to be her. You will take her role and she is going to take yours. Don't doubt it, the success in this technique is about doing it as soon as possible after the BU, if you try to "fix" things you will only make them worse, she will build up resistance to you, and will try to avoid you as the plague. When you withdraw women start wondering, they might feel a little peace that it was easy to dump you, but then they began examining how easy and effortless you went about it, it hurts their ego, they begin meeting real jerks, and ultimately they regret and end up begging on their knees. This is reverse psychology at its best.

[Rhinog]

Thanks for the advice

 

I did a half-hearted version of 'no contact' for about two weeks, but I kept her all her contacts (Facebook, Skype, phone etc). About a week in I accidentally pressed her speed dial instead of ringing someone else (because it was second-nature). She was too busy to pick up but we had a friendly text conversation later that day, and we just talked about what we had been up to, and she even suggested working on a project next term that would require spending quite a bit of time together. Afterwards I dropped her a Facebook message asking her how things were at home and leaving it in her hands to get in contact. A week later she initiated a Facebook chat when we discussed the break up, and I had hoped that by this time she might have had chance to reconsider or something, but she merely stated that she was glad we were in touch and it was best for us to be friends.

 

I then realised that there seemed to be no hope at all for the relationship and implemented 1m50L0nl3y's advice, which in hindsight I should have done earlier, and blocked her Facebook and deleted all her contacts. I delayed it two weeks because I didn't want to upset things more by deleting the Facebook, in case she wanted to change her mind. But she didn't. She soon noticed I'd blocked her from Facebook, sent me a text and I replied pretty much saying I didn't think it was realistic to be friends when I still had feelings for her, and I couldn't move on when I was seeing her Facebook all the time. She said she understood and would look forward to seeing me in a month or so.

 

Now I get to the problem...since we're going to be in such close proximity next term, it's going to be extremely difficult not to bump into her at some point, and we have at least one occasion where we are scheduled to show some people round uni together (and I can't avoid this because it's all been organised for weeks and the people we are showing round know both of our names).

 

I'm trying to move on as much as possible but because she ended it over the phone, when we hadn't seen each other for about three weeks, I am clinging on to a hint of 'well, it'll be different when we actually see each other'. I'm not sure what to do when this happens (in about another 3 weeks' time).

 

Do I act as though nothing's happened, treat her as I would when we were in the relationship and show her the affection I would normally have done? Or should I be very cordial and meet her occasionally, show her how I used to be at the beginning of the relationship and hope she comes back (which would probably kill me because I can't be sure it'll happen)? Or do I try my best to avoid her? Or is it something I'll just have to judge as I go along?