Who should make the first move: The Guy, or The Girl?

[look2thestars]

I can't believe i'm 27 years old and still don't know the answer to this question haha. Basically, I always think that if i'm out somewhere (bar, club, party, whatever it may be) if a guy is interested in me, they will come to me. If they dont, i assume they arent' interested. Yet, I am smart enough to realize that the guy may be thinking the very same thing "if she is interested, she'll come to me".

 

Lets face it...i dont believe that anyone likes getting rejected. Which is the main reason I feel uncomfortable approaching a guy. My friend (who is very religious, not sure if that has something to do with it) says that the man should be the one to approach the woman. when i asked her "well, what if he is thinking the same thing i am, that im not interested" she said "well then it just isnt meant to be with that person".

 

Idk though. I have very little confidence, and i like the man to approach me cuz obviously there is no doubt that he is interested in in me then. So what do you all think?

 

Guys, girls...who should make the move? What would you do if you did make the move, and got rejected? How do you "save face"?

[Vincent Ruiz]

Don't fall into the whole old fashion thing "Guys should ask the girls out!". I don't believe in that and nor should anyone else. Why let someone you are interested go because of some ancient belief? The answer is that it doesn't matter. You do have it right when you say that if you don't approach a guy that he will feel like you're not interested. While he should be confident enough to go and talk to you, you have to remember that this is a high stakes game and not everyone has developed the skill to not focus on the outcome and just be in the moment.

 

Always remember this, there is more pressure for the guy because of the whole old fashion "guys ask girls out". Plus he is competing with a ton of other guys. While the most confident will usually win the day why not realize that you are the chooser. You get to choose out of all the guys who approach you the one that you will give the time of day. Very very rarely will a guy ever say no to a girl if she asks him out or goes over to talk to him. The pressure is usually on the guy if the girl comes up. Always remember this, the guys don't get to choose to be with the girl. Well....unless he is some sort of millionare hotshot or something and has groupies lol.

 

As far as saving face...who cares if you get rejected. It's all part of the whole dating scene. You can't win them all. These are things that you shouldn't take personal. Now I'm not saying getting rejected is not going to hurt because it will, what I'm saying is that don't let it bother you because everyone gets rejected at some point in their lives. It's a part of life and if you get rejected, is that really a person you want to be with?

[In the Dark]

If looked at it from a traditional point of view men are meant to be the ones putting their pride on the line for rejection.

I prefer the female to talk to me and see how things go from there.

 

As for saving face.

Regardless of how you are rejected, you are rejected and that's all it takes top feel like crap.

 

Best way to save face is ask before you leave I guess.

[xiRoCb294]

It's 2011 now, it's perfectly fine for a girl to ask a guy out. And if you get rejected, just know that there are plenty of other fish out there...I mean, yeah it would suck, but it's not like it's the end of the world lol.

[Stay_home]

The old rules are outdated.

 

We're past traditional roles in relationships and dating, whatever those once were. Equal effort from us all.

[Alezia]

You don't really have to go ask them out. Just strike a conversation with them, flirt with them. At worst, if he's really daft and still doesn't clue in - give him your phone number at the end of the night. It's not like you have to ask 'do you want to go on a date with me?'

[look2thestars]

Great replys so far! Thanks everyone. I know guys like confidence in a girl, but unfortunately i don't have that right now and i cant get the fear of rejection out of my mind! But Guys, a question for you all: If you saw a girl who you didn't think was ugly, but not overly attractive either, if she approached you, would that make her more attractive in your eyes? Or would that have no opinion on how you view her?

 

Vincent: you gave me a great insight into guys. I never really thought about guys feeling the "pressure". But it is certainly true! I am one of those people (at this moment in my life) that does focus on the outcome and does not "live in the moment". All i ever think about is "what if he says 'get lost'?" Not literally those words, but i'm sure you get the point. But i don't quite understand when you say "guys don't get to choose to be with the girl". What do you mean? They seem to be even more choosier than us girls!!(in my experience anyways).

 

I actually had a great opportunity to talk to someone while out at dinner, but other circumstances stood in the way which i guess i should've mentioned. I do have a soon to be 9 year old daughter. One day, i was at lunch with my mom, my daughter, and 2 of my nieces. There were a group of guys sitting at the table next to us. 2 of them were with their gfs, the other guys were there by themselves. I thought the one was so cute and he was so my type. But...I didnt do anything! . I didnt even catch his eye and smile because of how scared i was of being somehow rejected or embarrassed. Now of course, he probably thought all the kids were mine and the fact i was with my mother didnt help. But i can't help but wish that i would've approached him somehow. What should i do in that circumstance when i see someone, but i have my daughter with? Cuz lets be honest...that does pose a bit of a problem and does make it harder for me.

[midnightdeirdre]

I've had guys say to me that it's always great when the girl asks the guy. (

[Vincent Ruiz]

What I mean about 'guys not getting to choose to be with the girl' is that in the whole dating game if that is what you want to call it, it is guys who have to approach women and compete with each other. Women get hit on all the time. Ones of conventional beauty probably get hit on lets say 8 times a day. The guy going up to the 'pretty girl' doesn't know that she has already been hit on 7 times prior to his own approach. Unfortunately guys have yet to be enlightened on how to stand out from the rest of the crowd and he'll go in using the same corny line the previous 7 guys used. The 'pretty girl' by now is sick of hearing "Your so beautiful. I had to come and talk to you! What is your name?" and so even though he could have been the coolest guy ever but she choose to reject him by saying "I'm busy" or "I have a boyfriend"(even if it's not true). So at the end of the day maybe a cool guy will have figured out what I just explained and use a different approach and because of it he may be chosen by the girl to give him the time of day.

 

Now this is meant in the dating/singles game. There are other occasions where the guy can pick(hotshot millionare or celebrity) but I'm not talking about that.

 

I understand exactly how you feel with the fear of rejection because I was the same way. But the way I overcome it is that I realize that anxiety is normal when it comes to approaching. It happens to everyone because it is a survival mechanism that is hardwired in our brain. The way you deal with it is realize it is normal and monitor your thoughts. Your thoughts are going to be thinking "Is he going to like me? Is he going to tell me the get lost?". As soon as that gets in your mind then stop yourself from thinking of it and think of an accomplishment that made you feel good or talk yourself up. People don't realize that they have been talking themselves down for years and they believe it and that contributes to low self esteem. They don't know that you can talk yourself up and believe what you are saying and monitoring your thoughts and stopping any negative thinking.

 

Also I'm sure you've heard this before, "Don't think, Do!". Before you approach, talk yourself up and stop any bad things from creeping into your mind. Take a deep breath and let it out through your stomach. It will calm your nerves. When all that is done, go in and don't hesitate. That is all that it takes. It will take discipline to train your mind to think that way but it will pay off in the long run.

[In the Dark]

Great replys so far! Thanks everyone. I know guys like confidence in a girl, but unfortunately i don't have that right now and i cant get the fear of rejection out of my mind! But Guys, a question for you all: If you saw a girl who you didn't think was ugly, but not overly attractive either, if she approached you, would that make her more attractive in your eyes? Or would that have no opinion on how you view her?

 

It can set off a positive reaction in the way the male responds to you over all.

Seeing they are striking up conversation in a friendly manner can make them do the same.

[MakeItCount]

Vincent makes great points. You gotta realize even confident guys can sometimes not approach a girl because she looks standoffish, or as he mentioned, could already have been hit on 50 times that day.

 

MOST guys realize that pretty girls get hit on a lot. I know girls that get asked out 3 times a day, every single friggin day. I also know a lot of them get sick of the crappy lines and assume every guy will be a turd. They get standoffish, and put me off from approaching them. I'll tell you this much though..if I make eye contact with you and it's prolonged, and you smile or do a little eyebrow raise, there's no way in hell I'm not going to approach you.

 

Looking like you're open to communication is so key to getting approached..makes sense doesn't it? haha.

 

Onto another point...if you come up and talk to me, you can guarantee if I think you're at least a little cute I'll probably ask you to hang out. Got nothing to lose really, because even if the date doesn't lead to a big attraction, at least we have gone out and had some fun.

 

As far as rejection..it's part of the game. Don't take it personally. I've literally had girls reject me the day after getting their # because they've entered a relationship. It happens, seriously. So, you can't take it seriously. Unless I was being really creepy, the girls will at least appreciate the sentiment. In my experience, anyways. A lot of guys are also scared of rejection because they don't realize the girl could've been pissed off that day, had a rough day at work, just exhausted, whatever. You get rejected, no big deal. Life goes on. You think they'll go home and tell all their friends that they got hit on and think the girl is a creeper, and she'll stay in their minds for all of eternity in a negative light? No, doesn't work like that.

 

So, next time you're out, and you see a cute guy, make eye contact, smile. Approach if you find a suitable time. As far as your kid...lots of guys find that endearing. Some find it too much to deal with - not someone you wanna be with anyways, so it's all good.

 

OKay, I think that's all I wanted to rant about. Happy hunting

[Day_Walker]

I think that the person who is interested should make the first move. Just because youre interested in a person doesnt mean that person will reciprocate. Naturally you are going to get rejected but you just have to find a way to deal with it, or increase your odds of success.

[look2thestars]

Vincent and MakeitCount...you both mentioned how pretty girls get hit on all the time and so forth. well...what if i'm not one of those pretty girls (at least in my mind i'm not). i certainly do not get hit on 3 or 8 times a day let alone 1. Sure, i have guys tell me i'm pretty (my guy friends), but thats about it. I understand that there are some guys who probably think i'm ugly, other guys think i'm cute, and some would probably think i'm hot. Because i understand that however cliche this is..."beauty is in the eye of the beholder". I see really cute guys all the time and i think their gfs are UGLY!! but they obviously see something in them.

 

LOL...I don't know what my point is actually. You all gave me great advice that I will take into account. Because when I am out with friends and such, I do look like i'm not interested and am scared to make eye contact with guys. A lot of people say I always look mad, even though i'm not! This really bothers me actually. I will definitely try to smile more when i'm out and catch the eye of a cute guy and wink or something. Hopefully that helps. And I may just have to *gulp* make the first move

[MakeItCount]

Well, super hot girls also don't get hit on a lot..some of them.

 

I would say your biggest problem you already know -- SMILE! If you look mad to your friends, you'll look mad to randoms. And that would throw me off from approaching, unless I feel like teasing you about it. That's worked before too, but it took some liquid courage haha. Try making the first move, see what happens. Could be fun! haha.

 

I can't tell you if you're pretty or not, but I'd take your friends' word for what it's worth. I dunno about the ugly girls with good looking guys, I've seen it too and always wonder. Guess they won them over? haha