NC two months. I found out he will be leaving the country. What do I do now?

[Naomi99]

Here is some background. We have an incredible history together. Boyfriend and I have known each other since we were in the 7th grade. We were high school sweethearts, then he broke my heart when we were 19, he wanted to go traveling, and I never saw him again. Nine years later, I ran into him at a party. We're both 28 at this point, and we immediately jumped into a passionate relationship. Never got married, but we bought a house together. First five years were a fabulous relationship...the last five had a lot of ups and downs. We are now 38. We sold the house and are currently living apart. He broke up with me because he said the relationship was stagnant, we both were not growing together, and we lost our identities due to the relationship. He said he wanted to learn new things, revive his old passions like photography and traveling and meeting new people and exploring the unknown. At first I put up a fight, but I let him go. After a lengthy telephone call, he sent me an email saying that he cares about me and wants to be my friend, but he wants us both to be happy and to move on. I never responded to his email and went NC for two months. I never heard from him at all during this time.

 

So the other day, I had lunch with a mutual friend, and she told me that my ex was leaving the country at the end of this month for an undisclosed amount of time. I was shocked. I don't know if I should contact my ex to say something. I have no idea how he feels about me at this point. If I had an inkling that he cared, I would call, but I'm so afraid of what I am going to hear. I have been in love with my ex for nearly 25 years. I believe he is my soulmate. I still love him and I miss him so much, the pain I feel is like battery acid in my blood. Every day I tell myself that he will never meet anyone with a stronger connection or incredible history than the one we shared, and I just keep hoping that he will realize this after he goes through his midlife crisis.

 

My friend tells me I should stop being so stubborn and call him because this trip he takes could be the end of any hope of getting back together. She believes that this could be a life-changing trip for him, and once he's gone anything could happen; he might stay there, he could die in a plane accident, he could meet somebody. She also believes he's leaving because he trying to forget about me, and hearing my voice before his trip might be a good thing.

 

In my heart, I do not want to contact him because, yes, I am stubborn. I feel like I would have lost my self-esteem and all the hard work I put into NC for the past two months.

 

I feel like HE should be the one to contact me, if he truly cared to say goodbye. I have no idea when he is leaving, just "at the end of the month," so I have to act quickly. (or not act at all)

 

1. If I do not contact him and wait to see what he does, this will really show his true colors if he doesn't call to say goodbye.

2. If I call first, I will never know if he intended to say goodbye without my prompting.

 

Please please please, your input. Should I get off my high horse and just call him, or let things be and play out on their own?

[DylanNotorious]

This is just my point of view.

 

If your friends are still in constant contact with your ex, wouldn't it be possible that they have mentioned to him that you still have feelings for him. I mean, your friends seem to know everything about this guy.

 

So on that note, one would assume he "knows" how you feel and still has not contacted you. If you really are too scared to call fearing what reaction you will receive - then don't call. He could have easily picked up the phone to call you aswell.

 

It's something to think about.

[Naomi99]

She is def. closer to me than she is to him, and I am very sure she has not told him anything about me. As far as I know, he just thinks I am trying to move on, which I am, but I still want him back and love him.

 

I should also say that all those things my friend is saying are just hypotheticals to get me to make a move. They are not things she heard from him.

[Reilly2856]

Honestly, I would suggest you wait it out. I agree with what dylanNotorious mentioned...your ex could have easily picked up the phone and called you. If he felt there was still a chance you guys could work out...he would get over his pride and call you up. If he is leaving forever, why wouldn't he call to see if things can be worked out ?

 

What your friend is saying are simply "hypothetical" situations. They are not based on reality...what she is doing is making you stay in denial and rationalizing his lack of action. You need to accept the fact that he HASN'T contacted you. There is no reason for you to do so...he was the one who found your relationship "stagnant" remember? He wanted out so that he could explore his options. Why do you need to be the one to step up to the plate and contact him? He WANTED TO LEAVE not you...so let him make the move. No, you are not being stubborn and NO he does not need any 'prompting'....he is a grown man who should be able to decide what he can live with and without. Clearly, he can LIVE without you in his life...so don't throw 2 months of NC work down the drain just because you are afraid to lose him permanently.

 

What your friend said could happen....yeah, he could meet someone else or decide to stay in another country. BUT if you hold out, maybe it will further make him realize that you are confident in yourself and are able to survive without him...that maybe...just maybe, you DON'T need him as badly as he once thought...that you could be happy in a life that you create without him. THAT may prompt him to decide if he can survive without you.

 

The one thing I've learned is that actions speak for themselves. Don't push him to come back to you...move on with your life, and if he comes back...he comes back. If you push and pull, you will only annoy him...push him further away and deflate your self-esteem. Even if you were successful in bringing him back with this 'contact' before he leaves, you will always wonder if he came back because of your action or would he have come back on his own accord.

 

My advice:

 

" 1. If I do not contact him and wait to see what he does, this will really show his true colors if he doesn't call to say goodbye. "

 

Go with this one.

[Naomi99]

Reilly, my gut says to agree with you, and I most likely will.

 

But one thing I am fear of: Since the ball was left in my court, I never responded to his email and went NC, do you think he just got frustrated waiting for a response from me and just doesn't give a crap anymore? He's a very stubborn proud person. He is the type where yes means yes and no means no, and he doesn't budge, even though he's hurting.

 

Okay, I just realized most likely he's not hurting if he's planning trips, etc.

 

You are right. He is the one that needs to make the move, not me.

[Reilly2856]

His email to you: "After a lengthy telephone call, he sent me an email saying that he cares about me and wants to be my friend, but he wants us both to be happy and to move on."

 

That is a very common response by the dumper. 'LETS STAY FRIENDS"...lol...which roughly translates to...I want to end on a good note so that I don't feel bad about breaking your heart and walking away...and I will either (a) never contact you again OR (b) Use you whenever I need a ego boost whether it means emotionally or physically...all under the disguise of friendship.

 

You made the right decision to not respond to that email. There was nothing to respond to there. Believe me, you saved yourself loads of heartache by not going through the whole 'trying to stay friends' routine. It never works...

 

I will just end by mentioning that no amount of pride, stubbornness or frustration can keep a person away from the one they love. IF HE really loved you still... REALLY...and was SERIOUS about trying again...HE WOULD HAVE CONTACTED YOU. No doubt about it. He would risk his pride if it meant another shot with you. The fact that he hasn't should speak for itself. Focus on his actions...NOT on what you THINK he is FEELING.

[top bloke]

He is not your soul mate sorry. Your soul mate would have not left your side. If he was the one then hed be there with you...let him go and move on..

[Naomi99]

We have a heavily intertwined past, and I just cannot believe he will leave the country without saying goodbye to me. NC is not working. I feel worse than the day we broke up. His parents are like my parents and we have so many mutual friends...I'm talking like from grade school. I'm so hurt right now, it is unbelievable how he is behaving. Embarassing and childish. Just because he wants us to move on, he doesn't have to be a d!ck about it and flee the country with no word. He's damaging anything that's left of this 25 year relationship, any hopes of being even cordial because now I want to slap him if I ever run into him, and he's ruining the dynamics between our mutual friends and family. Is this what he wants? For me to hate him?

 

Of course, he's not thinking he may never see me again. He's not thinking about how he's pushing me further away. He doesn't give a crap, and it's so unlike the person that I grew up with and thought I knew like the back of my hand. It's so out of character for him.

 

I need to stop thinking about him and focus on myself. What a f-ing jerk. I cannot believe how miserable I feel. Any words of encouragement to help me back on my feet.....please? I'm so pathetic. At least I am proud of myself for doing NC for two months.