Why do people need paybacks?

[Cadence_oO]

I divorced my husband over 3 years ago when he left me for another woman - they had an affair for 18 months prior to our separation.

 

Anyhow, they are married now, happily from what I see, I healed, moved on, him and I are perfectly cordial with a solid relationship.

 

So why does EVERYONE who hears about the reason for our divorce (I certainly don't blurt it out to everyone but sometimes it does come up with the people I meet) and the situation goes ''Oh, he'll cheat on her too'', ''Oh, they'll be punished, they'll pay, It will catch up with them'', ''She'll learn quickly what it's like'', ''Poisoned marriage'', and the famous one ''I doubt they're happy''.

 

I don't want that and I don't want people to think I want that.

If for anything than for my daughter who does not deserve stepmothers walking in and out of her life. I don't want any harm on them or their marriage, they seem very happy and I don't want anyone's happy marriage to fall apart.

 

Why do people think they can't work out? Maybe they are a better pair than him and I were. Maybe she is the person he is supposed to be with for the rest of his life, and our marriage was somewhat of a wrong turn. We were together, I got pregnant, we married and we were very happy, my family was everything to me and I couldn't regret anything if I tried. But maybe we weren't right for each other in the long run, clearly I wasn't right for him and if I wasn't right for him then he wasn't right for me either.

 

Now, the pain of his affair is definitely something I could have lived without, it was sooo wrong for them to do what they did. But I can't hold a grudge or expect/want them to pay for it. I don't want revenge nor would it bring me some kind of satisfaction. How would something bad happening to them have a positive effect on my life? It wouldn't. I don't want her to go through the pain of her husband cheating on her because I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

It annoys me that people automatically tag them as a villain couple like we are in a Mexican soap opera and they are the token bad guys. It's almost by default how people respond to affair without even thinking about anything they say.

 

Like the ''They can't be happy''. Why not? How do you know? What could stop them?

They have family, lots of friends, good life together, no one in their personal circle of friends and acquaintances thinks anything bad about the pairing. A great majority of people love her and I personally don't think she's a bad person at all, plus she's good with my daughter.

 

They're not bad people. They did a bad thing, but they're not bad people. I personally believe they don't have to pay for anything. I don't believe in paybacks.

I'm happy, I don't need other people's pain to make me happier.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Not everyone feels the way you do about cheaters. It is great that you have moved on and wish them well. What people are telling you, however, is what often happens in relationships that started out of cheating behavior. When a cheater leaves for the person they cheated with, some time down the road they often repeat the same behaviour. Most people don't give much sympathy for cheaters. I think these people are just trying to empathize with you and they are not being malicious.

[Seraphim]

Well the only opinion that matters here is yours right? I mean you are the one that was affected. Ignore the advice or opinions that are not relevant to you and how you see it.

[Cadence_oO]

Not everyone feels the way you do about cheaters. It is great that you have moved on and wish them well. What people are telling you, however, is what often happens in relationships that started out of cheating behavior. When a cheater leaves for the person they cheated with, some time down the road they often repeat the same behaviour. Most people don't give much sympathy for cheaters. I think these people are just trying to empathize with you and they are not being malicious.

 

Oh I don't blame them...they just think it's the thing to say and it's something I want. Except it's not. It's more influenced by society than anything else I believe.

[thejigsup]

Many years ago, I was living with a wonderful man who was not only my lover, he was my best friend and he told me I was his, also. We had been together off and on for over ten years, I truly loved him. He met a woman he fell head over heals for. She was beautiful, had a great body, and was sweet as well. Well, I have a pretty healthy self esteem, so I never thought she was "better" than me, I just thought that she must be amazing if he wants to be with her instead of me.

 

Tom make a long story short, he went with her and I wished them the best. They are still together and we are still good friends who keep in touch. Who needs bitterness? It only makes you ugly and I don't want that. I know I did the right thing and have never regretted letting it go and moving on. I have had the most amazing life since then and I have him to thank for it. If we has stayed together, I wouldn't have accomplished one half of what I have. So...thank you B.

[Angel Irulan]

Oh I don't blame them...they just think it's the thing to say and it's something I want. Except it's not. It's more influenced by society than anything else I believe.

 

Calm down. They're simply trying to take your side in the matter! They aren't saying you are a vengeful vindictive person.

[Deciduous]

Hi Cadence_oO,

 

Sounds like you have a high sense of self-esteem and an ability to roll with lifes inevitable punches. Not everybody is like that. In the first 12-24 months it's natural to have feelings of sorrow, hurt, bitterness, rage and anger.

 

After that you have to unconsciously want to fuel these self limiting emotions. And there is a rather large pay off. You don't have to begin life again, rebuilding your trust in people, going out, facing rejections in love or other areas of your life and effecting personal growth.

 

All of which is hard work.

 

I'm sure that 99% of people just want to be sympathetic and sensitive to your situation. It's their way of giving you solidarity, bless them.

 

However some will feel deeply uncomfortable with the way you have gritted your teeth and moved forward with confidence. What does that say about them when they are still blaming their ex from five years ago for ruining their life.

 

It's easier to remain numb and helpless, pointing to the moment when your life ended and declaring that it isn't your fault. "He was a low down rat. She/he did it to me. That's why I'm not happy and never can be. Generally this happens when a person has a low sense of self-esteem to begin with. The damage from the ex is allowed to carry for a period of time.

 

Then subsequent departure "proves" to them what they'd unconsciously "known" all along. That they unworthy and unlovable. Instead of owning up to this internal issue or even being aware of it, the Ex unwittingly becomes the scape goat for all these painful feelings of low self-love.

 

It sounds like you and your husband have put your daughter first in all of this - and I take my hat off to you. She deserves exactly the environment you describe, when Mummy and Daddy aren't slating each other and forcing her loyalties in one direction or the other. You've got on with it, with self respect, dignity and aplomb.

 

Good for you, don't worry about them. All the best to you

 

Deci xxx

[lavenderdove]

Hi Cadence...

 

Infidelity is something that strikes terror in everyone's hearts because when hearing about it, they are terrified it could happen to them too... so you'll get the gamut of responses from people who are expressing their own feelings about infidelity that have nothing to do with you or your ex and his wife either.

 

For example, if people hear someone died young from a surprise heart attack, you will frequently hear, isn't that a shame, but then the people will start listing out reasons why it happened that may have nothing to do with it, as in, 'he was overweight' or 'he didn't eat right' or 'he drank too much'... it's not even that people are trying to say something bad, but they are finding ways to discriminate themselves from the person because it scares them, as in, it won't happen to me because i eat right and don't do that. People just have a hard time accepting certain things, and infidelity is definitely one of them. They're afraid it could happen to them AND they may find it abhorrent on moral and/or religious grounds.

 

So if someone says something negative about them, you can just brush it off and say something noncommittal like, 'that was a long time ago and water over the dam now... it doesn't bother me anymore.' Just let them know you are fine and not interested in dredging up past history.

 

But honestly, don't feel the need to defend your ex and his former paramour! Yes, she's his wife now, but as you say, he did cheat on you and does need to take the consequences of his own behavior. He may be thrilled with his wife, but he still did something that was morally and emotionally destructive to your family and you and your daughter and broke up your family rather than working on his marriage, so he has to take the flack from that and you shouldn't feel the need to defend him. It's not your job as his ex-wife to defend his cheating or bad behavior, even if the outcome is something you're OK with now. He made his choice, and has to pay the price for doing so, even if that price is just people's bad opinion of him.

[Staple]

We want payback because the people who do things like this know they'll hurt you and do it anyways. Payback is nice. I don't feel good about it, but hearing that my ex isn't doing well does make me happy (she failed at school, etc...).