He asked me to be his girlfriend and then backed off...

[Janeiac]

Zebrelle, you have given this man far more of your time and attention than he deserves. Please put it behind you and take care of your own heart.

 

Don't look for any communication from him. If he does try to get in touch, tell him you don't wish to hear from him again, then stop thinking about it. I know it's very difficult, but it's really in your own best interest.

 

By the way, your English is excellent, and much better than anything I could do in another language. I know English is difficult as a non native tongue-- even native speakers often make mistakes!

[Zebrelle]

Thanks, Janeiac.

 

That's what I will do from now on. He didn't reply to my message and I don't have any new messages from him on my phone. At least, I can move on now. The answer is clear. I guess I should probably delete him from my Facebook as well. There's no point keeping him.

 

You know... I thought about something today. I think I was his punching bag. It all makes sense now. When he told me "You piss me off", I said "Perhaps you feel like you are saying that to your ex". He told me I reminded him of his ex. He said: "Yes, it's possible." Well, what if he was trying to make me suffer as much as his ex made him suffer? I know it's crazy, but it so makes sense. He was/is clearly not over her and all the things she has done to him. I'm just his punching bag...

[Zebrelle]

I just don't understand why he chatted with me for 2 hours and for another 1:30 hours the next day if he wasn't interested. I mean... He didn't have to chat with me. He didn't have to buy me a gift. How can his interest be so all over the place? I'm frustrated and exhausted. I thought I was okay, but I just feel like crying again.

[Zebrelle]

Now, a friend of mine told me I shouldn't have sent him that message. He said I don't owe him anything because we're not together. He said it will only push him away. Well, what was I supposed to do? Grrr... I'm so tired of this. It shouldn't be this way...

[Zebrelle]

Hum... So, he put a comment on his Facebook, but didn't even reply to my message. I guess this is more than clear. I think it's time I delete him, right...? I'm in total distress right now. I just... I'm not feeling well at all.

[Batya33]

I just don't understand why he chatted with me for 2 hours and for another 1:30 hours the next day if he wasn't interested. I mean... He didn't have to chat with me. He didn't have to buy me a gift. How can his interest be so all over the place? I'm frustrated and exhausted. I thought I was okay, but I just feel like crying again.

 

If he wanted to be with you he would want you to know 100% clearly that he wanted to be with you so you wouldn't be snapped up by some other guy. Chatting for hours just means he enjoys chatting with you and perhaps enjoys being couply at the moment -doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship with you. I'm sorry this is so disappointing and I hope you feel better soon.

[Zebrelle]

Ok, this morning I was so pissed and impulsively sent him a text on his phone. I said: "I saw that you were on Facebook last night, but didn't reply to the message I sent you. I've been keeping my feelings for myself and crying for 2 weeks because I just don't know what you want from me. You tell me that you don't want me to wait, but that you could be ready in 2 months. You tell me you want to take things slowly, but there is just nothing happening right now. You give me a sign and then disappear for a few days. I didn't find your intentions were clear, but not it is. I'm exhausted. Good luck."

 

Well, he replied and not with an answer I was expecting... He said: "I was going to answer you today. I wanted to take my time to say things that I wouldn't regret because I didn't understand where your words or reaction came from. I was at the other end of the world on a trip and you send me that message on Facebook before I even get back here. I was always honest with you. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I think it sucks. Good luck!"

 

I don't understand... How can he not understand how my reaction? How can he think it's normal. So, he's mad because I told him how I really felt? What's the deal with that? Ok, I was mad at him this morning and acted really impulsively, but him not understanding where my feelings come from is beyond me. He must not care for me at all if that's how he sees the message I sent him. Now, because I'm stupid and I stressed like crazy, I replied: "That's not what I want... I wanted to wait for you to contact me when you get back from your trip to discuss this face to face, but I got impulsive. Can we see each other to talk?" He didn't reply. I think... I think it's really over and I should be glad, but I'm not. I feel like it's my fault, that I blew everything. Please someone tell me that I was right to do that and that things would have still be the same if I had seen him and pretended I was okay.

[Zebrelle]

If he wanted to make me feel bad, it surely worked...

[Deciduous]

Hi Zebrelle,

 

It's not your fault. There was nothing that you could have said or done to put this situation right. It's not over, BECAUSE IT NEVER BEGAN.

 

You put your heart out there, but this guy was not in the right emotional place to give you what you wanted. . He was on the rebound and had no-where near healed from his previous relationship. He was all over the place.

 

You can kid yourself that if you did x,yz, the relationship would have worked but that is not the truth. There was NO way to fix this situation, despite your best efforts.

 

This man is in major pain and has nothing to give. Rebounders are always exhausting because you find yourself starved of affection and attention and you blame yourself.

 

Now is the time to take a deep breath and not contact him. If and when he contacts you remember that he has nothing to give you. He cannot improve your life, only bring you more pain than he already has.

 

You cannot nurse him through his heartbreak. That would destroy you. You cannot be a friend to him. You'd always hope for more and be desperately hurt when it didn't materialise. You fell in love with him and receiving any less in return would be horrendously painful for you and rather destructive. You already know this.

 

It really is over and the truth is it never really began. Your pain is from what you'd hoped might happen, not from the actual relationship itself, which was unstable, confusing and very painful.

 

It hurts. Very soon it won't hurt. But the longer you put off the seperation, the more devastating it will be when you are forced to cut contact for good.

 

Don't blame yourself. Your heart is broken. You hoped against hope that it would work. But the final scores have come in. It's done.

 

Deci

[Zebrelle]

Thanks for your kind words, Deciduous!

 

You are right about everything. It's not over because there wasn't anything to begin with. There was nothing from the start. There was only hope. It's not like I didn't try. I put a lot of efforts into this relationship to make it work. In the end, it was just too painful. I think I was ready for it to be over. I think I sent him that message because I knew it would be over if I did that. I think, subconsciously, I wanted it to be over. I think I needed it to be over. I think I couldn't take the situation anymore and that's the exit I found. It's funny because I thought I would have felt worse than I actually do right now. I'm almost feeling at peace, even though he didn't even reply to my last text. I almost feel relieved. I panicked at first because I kept having these "What if..?" scenarios in my head. I think I realize now that it was the only way to go for me to feel better and have some closure.

[Zebrelle]

I wake up this morning and I doubt myself again. Perhaps I over reacted? Perhaps I should have waited a few more days for him to contact me? Perhaps I should have contacted him by only saying "Hey, what's up? I haven't heard from you for awhile!" Perhaps things would have been different if I had waited and we had seen each other like we were supposed to this weekend.

[Deciduous]

Hi Zebrelle,

 

So after all these weeks of the relationship being an unhappy mess, it magically becomes the relationship you always dreamed of.

 

He spontaneously heals from his previous relationship and becomes a loving attentive boyfriend. He essentially becomes a different person overnight because you said the right words.

 

It is you being unfair. No matter that he didn't contact you for two weeks and broke your heart. No matter he didn't reply to your honest messages when you were in a great deal of pain.

 

He asks you to be his girlfriend then disappears for weeks. He breaks your heart and demonstrates little affection or kindness. He disregards you feelings and tells you, you are over-reacting. And you have decided that he is right? That you deserve to be treated in this manner. It is you that have failed him?

 

You are in so much pain that you have decided to hide out in denial. How much more are you willing to take? Because he will keep swanning in and out of your life, bringing one moments joy for weeks of pain.

 

How much heartbreak is enough before you say. "I may love him, but I love myself so much more. I will do what-ever it takes to protect my heart.

 

This your call. You can go down the same route. It will always leads to a place of pain. This much you do know. Re-read this thread from beginning to end. The letter you wrote him was a cry for help. He ignored it, made light of it. He cannot help you.

 

You need to decide right now if he is worth the disruption to your peace of mind, your self-esteem and your emotions. If the answer is yes, then jump right back into the ring. But know the road will not suddenly change it's destination. It always goes to the same place. Over and over again.

 

Deci

[Zebrelle]

You are right. I don't know why I started doubting myself this morning. I was okay last night. I know doing this was the right thing. I know if he really cared, he wouldn't treat me this way. The fact that he tells me he doesn't understand my words or my reaction should be enough of a red flag, but it just hurts me so much that he said that. I didn't say anything bad in my letter. I just told him the truth. It's true that I want to see him and talk to him and that I miss him, but that's it's not the came for him. It's true that things will not change. It's true that if he doesn't have time for me now, he won't have more time later on. It's true that I'm willing to make efforts, but that he's not willing to do the same thing. It's true that I really want to keep him in my life, but that I just can't because I always want more. What's so upsetting with me telling him the truth? If it wasn't true, why didn't he tell me so? That's all I wanted. I just wanted him to either confirm or rectify what I was telling him. Instead, he got upset. I'm there for him whenever he wants me to be. But what about him being there for me? He's not. It's not like he doesn't have the time. He quit his job at the beginning of August. Yet, he still didn't have time to see me. I work and I had time to see him. We only live 5 minutes away from each other. There's no excuse at all!!! I don't need someone like him in my life.

 

It's great that I can talk about the situation on this board. It really helps me. Sometimes, I tend to over think and over analyze things. Then, I come here and I'm able to rationalize my fears and my thoughts again. You guys have helped me a lot and I really want to thank you all for it. I am alone this weekend. It's a little harder for me since I have nobody to talk to. But, when I go back to work tomorrow, I won't think so much about it. Overall, as I mentioned yesterday, I'm at peace that things are over. I did everything I could.

[Janeiac]

Zebrelle, do an internet seach on "seduction forum." It will open your eyes.

Seriously, this guy gamed you. He did everything according to a plan to get you right where you are now-- pining for him, yearning for any crumb of affection, and ready to give yourself heart and soul at any moment, without him being in a relationship or doing any work or offering anything real.

 

Block him from all paths of communication. Stop thinking about him. Make yourself happy, and you will meet someone better who really wants you, who is there for you, and who appreciates you.

[Zebrelle]

So, I was on Facebook tonight. He came online which he never does. I personally think he put himself online to see if I would talk to him. I'm quite often on Facebook, especially lately, and I only saw him online when we chatted last weekend. Plus, I was online there every night this week and I didn't see him, but he was there since he posted new pictures and a few comments. It means he was offline. He purposely put himself online. And he came online yesterday after I sent him the text on his cell phone. So, it really does seem like he did that on purpose. I sent him a text yesterday to propose to him that we discuss this face to face. He never answered me. It's not up to me to go and talk to him. It's up to him now. He stay online for only 2 or 3 minutes. 30 minutes later, he comes back online again. I went offline because I am too pissed. He ignores my feelings. He ignores my text. He ignores me wanting to discuss the issue. And now he ignores me on Facebook.

[Zebrelle]

Wow, I logged back online after 30 minutes and he was gone. Then a few minutes after I logged back online, he logged online back as well. I logged offline and logged back online after 15 minutes and he is still there. He doesn't even talk to me or anything. What a * * * * ing asswhole...

[Zebrelle]

Ok, he was still online and not talking to me so I told him: "Why you ignoring me like that? I really wanted to discuss things, but whatever. If you are going to act this way, we have nothing more to say. Good luck with your classes." And I deleted him.

[Janeiac]

That's great, you deleted him! Now block him.

Block him on Facebook and everywhere else, especially your thoughts. This is how you will be free to find someone much better.

[Zebrelle]

That's great, you deleted him! Now block him.

Block him on Facebook and everywhere else, especially your thoughts. This is how you will be free to find someone much better.

 

Yes, I'm finally moving on. I felt bad this morning. I thought perhaps I over reacted because, really, he doesn't owe me anything. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and I shouldn't have expected anything from him. But my friends told me I did the right thing. I'm still hurt that he didn't even try to contact me after or apologize. But I shouldn't care, think or talk about him anymore. I told him I got impulsive and I offered him to discuss the issue face to face and he never answered me. If he cannot understand that I can't be his friend right now because of my feelings for him, then there's no point keeping him in my life.

[Zebrelle]

Please someone tell me I did the right thing. I have an anxiety attack right now and I just feel like I did the biggest mistake of my life. I feel like I can't breathe for some reason. I don't know why, but every now and then I feel like I shouldn't have done that. I'm okay for awhile and then the anxiety kicks in.

[Deciduous]

I just feel like I did the biggest mistake of my life.

 

Really? By telling a man you care about him and actually have feelings. And what was the alternative? How long could you have downplayed your feelings and gone on smiling and pretending everything was fine. He really hurt you.

 

If you hadn't called a halt you'd have been deep in "game" territory and continuing to be hurt by his behaviour. And if that's what it takes to hold onto this relationship, being kicked in the gut over and over again, and having to smile about it, then what sort of a future did you have.

 

I have walked in your shoes, girl, and the pain was shocking. But it did pass. But I know it is so desperately shattering to know that they are going to let you go. You brought the relationship to a point of reality. He ran, because he cannot cope with any relationship right now. This isn't about you and what you did.

 

You have your answer and you mourn what you might have had. But that was an illusion. Here is the truth. It is so painful that you are looking for the exits. "Perhaps, I should have been more sympathetic. If only I'd waited. Maybe he's right."

 

But you gave everything you had to force this to work out. IT HAS NOT. This is the final score.

 

Tell yourself that you will NOT contact him for 10 days. Tick 'em off the calander. Count them down.

 

Just hold for 10 days and let everything sink in.

 

Deep breath - It will be a tough ride.

 

Deci

[Zebrelle]

Thanks, Deciduous! I have calmed down a bit now. I don't know why these thoughts keep coming back every now and then. I guess it's still too fresh in my mind and my heart. By the end of the week I should be somewhat okay. I will take your advice and tick the days I do not contact him off my calendar. I will not contact him for 10 days. I will not contact him ever again. It did cross my mind, but I will not. I know it's not worth it. The good news is I've been contacted by a few men on the dating Website I use. There are a few I'm interested in getting to know more. Plus, I'm going out with someone tomorrow. It's not a date, but... it's almost like a date. So... I'm moving on slowly, but surely. Thanks again, Deciduous! I feel so much better now.

[Zebrelle]

The reason I keep thinking I did a mistake is because I don't think I had the right to expect him to contact me as often as I wanted him to. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. He didn't owe me anything. Besides, he contacted me during the weekend and told me be bought me a souvenir. Perhaps not contacting me for the following 5 days was just normal for him. Perhaps that's where I feel I over reacted. Perhaps I am too impatient. Was I right to be mad because he didn't contact me for 5 days after we last talked together? I don't know... I'm confused as to what is normal and what is not. Yes, I should stop over analyzing. I'm just not totally at peace yet with how things went during the last few days. I don't think about it as much as I did, but I still do a little bit. I'm journey for recovery is almost done, but there is still some struggles inside of me. I'm so sorry to keep coming back, guys.

[tygerwolf]

Its ok.

 

I think you did become a bit impatient. However, maybe it was a good thing. It sounds to me like you cant keep up with his back and forth behavior and aversion to a relationship. It seems like you REALLY wanted a relationship with him, when he really wasn't ready to begin with.

 

You writing that letter may have been a bad thing. You may have lost an opportunity. But at the same time you may have saved yourself from some future hurt.

 

I would look at it this way. You learn from opportunities lost and taken. Use this experience for future relationships. Now you know the signs of an unavailable guy. I now know this too.

 

Just step away from him now completely. Follow through on your message. Find other things to do to make you happy. And who knows. Maybe the "one" for you is waiting just around the corner? My friends always say that the right guy comes when you finally stop looking. I think they may be right.

 

Best of luck to you girl. Stay strong!

[Zebrelle]

Thanks, Tygerwolf. I just feel so lonely. It's so hard...