The Shy Story- Calling all Shy and/or "Nice" Guys!

[NMF1978]

Maybe in a typical guy's mind, who can't pick up on the signals, but they're signals just the same.

As Vacation said, women send out signals differently than us.

He gave a good idea of what women do. I too was oblivious to much of that...

 

sending out signals ain't taking initiative, taking initiative is actually initiating contact with someone, all the rest don't count

[ClarenceRutherford]

sending out signals ain't taking initiative, taking initiative is actually initiating contact with someone, all the rest don't count

You're not getting it, NMF.

Doesn't matter how much we may debate what women do or don't do in initiating

(rather, what we want them to do).

 

As you're in your mid 20s (right?), what should be important to you now is learning how to take initiative and meet women.

They aren't gonna come to you.

 

 

You can sit around hoping women will initiate 50% of the time... and waste your time as few are gonna approach you....

 

OR....

Start talking with women. In all kinds of venues.

 

Which of those approaches would generate a better return on investment?

[NMF1978]

You're not getting it, NMF.

Doesn't matter how much we may debate what women do or don't do in initiating

(rather, what we want them to do).

 

As you're in your mid 20s (right?), what should be important to you now is learning how to take initiative and meet women.

They aren't gonna come to you.

 

 

You can sit around hoping women will initiate 50% of the time... and waste your time as few are gonna approach you....

 

OR....

Start talking with women. In all kinds of venues.

 

Which of those approaches would generate a better return on investment?

 

 

i don't care, i'm not in my mid 20's, i'm 32 and like i already said i rather be single then doing things i don't want to be doing anyway, i have zero intrest in playing the game, i tried it, going out all the time, frequenting datingsites and even though i got occasional results it was never up to par to what effort i put into it and besides i hardly ever met a woman i would want to be in a serious relationship with

[Neo777]

i don't care, i'm not in my mid 20's, i'm 32 and like i already said i rather be single then doing things i don't want to be doing anyway, i have zero intrest in playing the game, i tried it, going out all the time, frequenting datingsites and even though i got occasional results it was never up to par to what effort i put into it and besides i hardly ever met a woman i would want to be in a serious relationship with

 

NMF1978 and ClarenceRutherford I think it has to be said that you both have very valid points

[TehShyGuy85]

According to this thread i have passed up a lot of opportunities lol.

Almost every girl/women smiles back at me when i walk past them or come in contact with.

 

Just recently at my work, someone i work with came up to me and said her friend likes me, though that girl that likes me has a kid which is pretty much my only deal breaker.

Just bad luck that it wasn't someone that i would be interested in, go figure First time that has ever happen to me.

 

Thogh i agree with the OP of this thread. Great Post.

[ClarenceRutherford]

i don't care, i'm not in my mid 20's, i'm 32 and like i already said i rather be single then doing things i don't want to be doing anyway,

i have zero intrest in playing the game, i tried it, going out all the time, frequenting datingsites and even though i got occasional results it was never up to par to what effort i put into it and besides i hardly ever met a woman i would want to be in a serious relationship with

Being in your early 30s... that makes it even more imperative you do more to initiate conversation with women.

 

It's your life, NMF. I can't tell you what to do.

It's just that I was a lot like you. Shy and introverted for much of my early 20s...

Didn't like the dating scene either and didn't want to "play the games" people have to for securing a relationship.

 

At 27, knew I had to do something diff. as I wasn't just gonna wake up one a.m. and "find love..."

 

Didn't like doing "cold calls," like Vacation recommends.

TBH, only did that 2X, to show myself I could do it.

 

One of the cold calls, the woman I met one Sunday a.m. at church, someone later told me she was "offended" I asked her to go out with me at the first meeting.

This was odd as she was some radio deejay and I assumed guys would ask her out often...

The other... I talked her into going on a dinner date (after some conversation).

That relationship lasted 1.5 years until she dumped me.

 

Much of what I write comes from reading books (when I was single), reading things other guys post in the forums, and thoughts I now have and wish I'd done when I was in my 20s...

 

Were no internet forums in the 80s and early 90s, had few friends and didn't have anyone I could seek advice from.

My dad, he wasn't any model of successful relationships and he never offered me advice.

No one held my hand and provided me practical help.

 

 

Please consider the advice people offer you, unless you want to remain in the same state you're in during your 40s...

[GernBlanston]

Infact with Cold Approaches you can expect:

• Meet hotter women
  
• More friendlier women
  
• Easy to pick up
  
• Returned Calls (no more flaking or too drunk to remember you)
  
• To build powerful connection with her
  

On the other hand, this:

 

[imsuperman]

I pretty much agree. I started off just by saying hi to women and smiling as I walked by them. I did this because, despite the fact that,

even though I'm not the greatest looking guy ever, I'm by no means hideous, I couldn't figure out why women I didn't know couldn't even say hi to me. Once I started doing it I found most women always say hi back and look happy that I spoke to them. Then they start saying hi when they see you and things can progress naturally from there. I'm still not a fan of cold approaches, though one I did recently worked quite well (we're just special buddies) I just saw her looking at me as she was paying for groceries and I was in line behind her. You have to take advantage of things like that.

 

It's pretty much up to you to change it. Attractive women will almost never engage you first. If you don't take care of it, they no some other guy will. That's just the way it is. Like Vacation said, imagine if you were being approached several times a day by strangers. Women ultimately decide how far things go most of the time, but you're never in the running if you can't start a conversation.

[Blue Spiral]

I agree with NMF--I'd rather be alone than doing things I don't want to do. I've never taken any risks with women, and I can't say I regret it; I'd rather be cautious and safe than put myself out there for something I can live without.

[OahuGrown808]

@Vacation

This thread has caused me to think about two things.

 

First, I hear what you are saying about how the man needs to be the agressor and the instigator for things such as dating, sex, and marriage. It's the way things have been done for years, and perhaps this dynamic is simply nature doing its thing. However, I can't help but feel like we, as a people, are moving forward in regards to sexual equality, and that my becoming an "agressor" undermines this progress and perpetuates these sorts of chauvinistic ideals. In other words, I feel like by being aggressive in my approach to women I am implying that they can't, or shouldn't be the one's initiating, thus putting them at a lower standing. I recently took a feminism class in college, so maybe that's why I feel this way haha. But for the life of me, I can't shake it.

 

Second, it's interesting to think that a women looking at you could mean attraction. I notice this quite often actually, but always assumed it was because they thought I looked weird, or that there was something on my face or something. I do manage sometimes to smile back and say hello, but a majority of the time I look away and can still feel them looking at me (peripherals). If what you said is true, that's a pretty nice confidence booster.

[NMF1978]

I agree with NMF--I'd rather be alone than doing things I don't want to do. I've never taken any risks with women, and I can't say I regret it; I'd rather be cautious and safe than put myself out there for something I can live without.

 

i think when you meet someone worthwile you have to take a chance and take initiative but afterwards you also have to see what did i get out of all my efforts was it worth it or not?

[imsuperman]

A lot of times it is true. Even taken ones look. Otherwise they'd spend their entire lives with their first boyfriends they got when they were 12.

 

Think more positively. Don't always assume the worst.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I agree with NMF--I'd rather be alone than doing things I don't want to do. I've never taken any risks with women, and I can't say I regret it; I'd rather be cautious and safe than put myself out there for something I can live without.

How many relationships have you been in?

 

Was shy and not very confident like a lot of you guys (until I awoke at 26), but do you honestly think the "safe" approach is wise?

 

 

 

Think about it. The "safe" way doesn't usually work so well in other areas of life, like the military draft.

Sure, some got college deferrments or had a relative pull some strings. Or bec. they had to work on the farm with their dad...

When others talk about what they did during the war, funny how women don't seem as interested in the guys who said they didn't

serve....

 

This coming from someone who never served and none of his uncles on one side of his family served...

 

Like that M*A*S*H episode where Trapper went into the boxing ring to fight for this nurse. At the end, after Trapper lost badly, the woman was all over him and practically ignored Hawkeye who could only say, "It was my idea..."

 

 

That may be why some turn to auto racing like Evil Kneival, to make sure no one thinks they're "chicken..."

[OahuGrown808]

A lot of times it is true. Even taken ones look. Otherwise they'd spend their entire lives with their first boyfriends they got when they were 12.

 

Think more positively. Don't always assume the worst.

 

Working on it Just have to keep fighting the urge to look away. I guess it's because I've trained myself over the years to respond that way.

[Blue Spiral]

How many relationships have you been in?

 

Two--monogamy didn't agree with me, as it turns out.

 

Was shy and not very confident like a lot of you guys (until I awoke at 26), but do you honestly think the "safe" approach is wise?

 

Yup.

[Antenna]

I made this account to post this. Lots of men in situations such as ours have gone to great lengths to rectify their positions, your advice could really help people and you've clearly put a great deal of time and effort into creating this very informative, detailed and helpful thread for them, but don't shy away from saying what you're really advocating.

 

Go out and get rejected until you make it.

You're the prize, assume they want you.

"maintain your frame"

"She doesn't know enough about you to reject you."

"lightly put your hand on her shoulder"

 

This is textbook pick up artistry, from confidence to kino to framing. Nothing wrong with that, and far be it from me to criticize a lifestyle you're clearly pleased with, but at least tell your readers what you're trying to get them into and let them decide for themselves. Bah, maybe I'm just not desperate and downtrodden enough yet to want to change myself so drastically, although its hard to imagine there is that much further to go.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Antenna,

The OP has put a lot of effort into this, even more than me and the thread I started,

Help for those who can't get dates in their late 20s, 30s and 40s

 

 

 

Like the OP, I too was shy and unconfident. Would let opportunities pass me by or be oblivious to women's expressed non-verbal interest.

 

Some of those here who think dating is a "50-50" deal and that women should logically approach men too, they're living in fantasy and will likely remain in their sorry state.

 

Wasn't a player nor a pickup artist and haven't really read their material until I came to these boards.

In my mid-20s, saw others around me dating and enjoying sex and relationships, yet here I was off to the side, seemingly something "wrong" with me.

 

I applaud the OP. He didn't have to post this and most of what he posted I didn't do when I was single.

A naturally shy and unconfident guy, lots of those things he recommends might have appeared scary to me too.

 

But you know what?

Awoke and realized no one can do it for me. Had to take some initiative.

 

You don't have to try everything he recommends, but guys, try to make a couple of "cold calls."

 

So you're scared and nervous. You were scared that first day of school right? And the first time you tried to ride a bicycle or get that first kiss in HS or college (okay, many of you have never kissed a girl) or do anything else that was outside your comfort zone.

The more you put yourself out there, the more comfortable you're going to be with dating and the more confident you'll feel and appear to others.

[Iloveshyguys]

Bah, maybe I'm just not desperate and downtrodden enough yet to want to change myself so drastically, although its hard to imagine there is that much further to go.

 

Please don't feel that you have to change. There are lots of shy girls out here that will love a shy guy just the way that he is

[Antenna]

Please don't feel that you have to change. There are lots of shy girls out here that will love a shy guy just the way that he is

 

That is very nice of you to say, but it seems that shy men and women stay at home and then never meet. I agree with what the OP and ClarenceRutherford have said: I have to change if I ever want to ever get anywhere, but I'm arguing that the best choice may not be to go all the way to the other extreme.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Shy guys,

Take a look at this posting. This woman, who says she used to be a man-chaser, she posts how she actually wants guys to pursue her.

 

 

 

SNIPPED...

"..... please, for the love of all that is good and wonderful, PLEASE, step up and say something if you are interested.

 

I'm not saying that women shouldn't make the first move, but I am saying that men should make the first move.

Don't be lazy, and don't be so afraid of everything; fear isn't cute.

Being paralyzed by fear is un-masculine. "

I'm afraid of rejection" just means that you don't find her interesting enough to take the risk, or that you're too lazy to do something about it, or that you think you're such a wonderful catch that women ought to be flocking to you, and any good woman looking for a good man is not going to put up with that kind of behavior.

 

I used to be the kind of person who would always say something about it if I liked a guy, but I don't do that anymore. Because if he isn't willing to pursue, or at least make some kind of clear indication that he would like to pursue me (and is looking for a green light), then he is not the kind of guy I'm looking for and I'm willing to bet that the majority of women would agree with that if they really thought about it.

 

What woman doesn't want to be pursued by a man she likes? What woman really, honestly, deep down really wants to initiate everything?

As a former man-chaser, I can honestly say that the VAST majority of other man-chasers do so only because they feel the men won't pursue, and they don't want to be alone. So they take the initiative......."

[GernBlanston]

Shy guys,

Take a look at this posting. This woman, who says she used to be a man-chaser, she posts how she actually wants guys to pursue her.

On the other hand (again), this:

 

 

[OahuGrown808]

I don't think the OP is saying to go out an be a sleaze-ball. But, I can see how taking initiative and going for it would yield better results as opposed to discarding opportunities and beating yourself up afterward. I also think that deep down every shy person knows this to be true, not just for dating, but for every other aspect of life. The problem is HOW to get over the fear. Saying "just do it" isn't really helpful, you know? I know that I have to do it. But how do I get into the right state of mind to do it, especially when the fear has been compounded over so many years? Much like riding a bike or going to school for the first time, I know that the fear will likely evaporate as soon as I try and fail the first time. It's just difficult to take that first leap.

[Flyingpiglet]

I'm bookmarking this to read later... Just because I'm intruiged

 

"Hey, I look like a complete idiot for doing this but I just saw you from a distance and I you seem like [a caring person/ are really pretty/ have a great style/ or my personal favourite...there was just something about you] that I had to come say hi or I knew I'd be kicking myself all week. I'm [say name]" *stick hand out for handshake.

 

I would most definitely be impressed if some guy did this. I would probably stand and stare, goggle eyed in disbelief though lol. I'm one of the shy gals

[imsuperman]

Working on it Just have to keep fighting the urge to look away. I guess it's because I've trained myself over the years to respond that way.

 

That's HUGE if you get to doing that. It warms them up for you to approach. You can smile a little, but don't look away until she does. The attractive ones like it because so few men are able to do it...even the ones they're seeing/have seen.

[Blades86]

To be honest, I think it has nothing to do with being a nice guy or a bad boy. It's all about being yourself and if you don’t have the confidence to do that in front of other people you will never get a girlfriend. I've heard a lot of blokes complain that girls only go for the guys who act like jerks and that isn't true. I met my first girlfriend when I was five years old and we were together for eleven years. She was my soul mate and I loved her more than anything in the world. We liked all the same things and we were basically attached to each other. I did everything I could to be the kind of guy Jessica would love and I would go out of my way to make her laugh.

 

She liked poetry, music and old romance movies with the likes of Cary Grant, Rock Hudson, Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra that her Mother watched and I secretly did too. I thought if I could write her poetry and be the type of guy they were she would fall in love with me like they did in the movies and it worked. She gave me my first kiss when I was only eight after I gave her a poem I had spent weeks writing. I started writing her poetry all the time and I became very good at it. She wanted to become a singer and we were going to be a duo. I wrote songs for and with her and she sang them. We would regularly sing at our school hall and we won young talent competitions.

 

Jessica passed away when I was only sixteen and my friends blamed me for her death because her Father was driving her to my house when they were in an accident. I dropped out of school, I spent nearly a full year in my bedroom crying and I tried to commit suicide a few times. Losing Jessica killed me and everybody just expected me to accept that she was gone. Nobody understood how much I loved her and I couldn’t. I got a job working at a factory and started hanging around with what people describe as the ‘wrong crowd.’ I become an alcoholic and I got addicted to cocaine. The nice guy I was disappeared and I became angry and an * * * * * * * .

 

I got into fights all the time with blokes twice my size and I always won because I used weapons to hit them. I realised size wasn’t important and I could use the smallest of items to my advantage. A few blokes thought I was gay because I didn’t have another girlfriend but how could I even ask another girl out when I was still in love with Jessica. My anger took over and I remember stabbing a bloke in the hand with a knife, spraying mentholated spirits into the eyes of another, hitting him with a board and lighting him on fire. I wanted to kill people but luckily somebody always stopped me because I could have very easily crossed the line and became psychotic.

 

When the factory went broke I stopped drinking and doing drugs and for the first time my mind was clear. I knew that wasn’t the type of man Jessica would have wanted me to be and I had to change. I went to TAFE to try to get my life back on track and get the certificates I missed out on. It was then when I started selling the poems and songs I had written and while I never sold them to anybody famous due to lack of connections I made enough money doing that alone if I wanted to. The problem was I stayed inside my head most of the time and I was afraid of getting close to people. I had a lot of trust issues after my old friends had turned on me and I tried to be somebody who I wasn’t.

 

During my second year I fell back into depression and I started doing cocaine again. I had some leftover and I would leave classes and snort cocaine in the toilets regularly. My grades decreased for a while but I got myself back together somehow and I ended up completing TAFE the next year. It was then when I met the woman who turned my life around. Her name was Rachel and she was the first person I told my life story to. We became best friends and I still don’t know to this day why but she looked after me and she turned me back into ‘myself’ again. On the days when I felt like crying or killing myself she made me laugh and for the first time in a long time I was happy.

 

I started writing poetry and songs again. All of them were about her and I learned how to play guitar, bass, piano and the drums to impress her. I fell head over heels for her and that was something I thought I would never do with another woman after I lost Jessica. The only problem was she was a lesbian and when I gave her a song I wrote she basically told me I was a great guy and if she wasn’t a lesbian she would have dated me. She also said one day I was going to make a girl very happy. I was crushed she didn’t want to be with me but it didn’t bother me after a while because she was the best friend I ever had since Jessica passed away and I was happy just having her in my life.

 

Rachel was like an angel to me and without sounding corny she gave me my soul back. I never tried asking other girls out though because I just wanted to be her friend. I moved into her house and she wanted us to live like Will and Grace but the opposite way around. When she passed away I fell apart again but I didn’t fall back to doing cocaine or drinking alcohol because I knew she wouldn’t have wanted me to. I did go back inside my head for a while and I got writer’s block. I moved back to my parents’ house and it was then when I realised I had to get a ‘normal’ job.

 

The only friend I had left was Mandy who was my cousin’s girlfriend. I had a crush on her but I didn’t think I had a chance with her because she was four years older and ‘out of my league.’ She was also my cousin’s girlfriend and while he was an * * * * * * * I didn’t want to hurt him. Then one day when I was at his house with her while he was at work I decided to tell her about my life. She knew some of the details from my cousin but not all of them. I told her more than I had every told anybody and I cried in front of her and she cried too. She hugged me and I accidentally kissed her. I don’t know why I did it and didn’t know what to do so I pulled away and left.

 

Mandy turned up at my house two days later and I told her I was sorry about what happened and I didn’t want it to ruin our friendship. She told me not be sorry and she kissed me and then said she wasn’t sorry for that. I asked “What about my cousin?” and she said she was going to break up with him soon because he never had time for her and he treated her like she was one of his possessions. She said she liked me and I asked her “How could she after everything I had been through?” and she said I was blind because I couldn’t see what I was.

 

When Mandy broke up with my cousin she moved back in with her parents but she was embarrassed about living with them because she is twenty eight. I tried to tell her it was alright because I was still living with my parents but she said “I am only twenty four and that was okay because her youngest brother didn’t move out until he was twenty five.” Her parents seemed to have been fighting a lot too and I stayed over her house one night and they were yelling and throwing things and her Mother had marks on her arms the next morning but when Mandy tried to talk to her about it she wouldn’t discuss it. I only stayed at her house because we were out all night and it was closer than mine. She wanted some company too and I couldn’t blame her.

 

I asked Mandy if she wanted to move in with me while she was looking for her own house and she accepted my offer. I was worried about this at first but things have turned out so much better than I expected and I love having her with me. After being lonely for so long it’s really good to have the company. I was going to let her sleep in the spare bedroom but she came into my bedroom the first night and said “she wanted to be with me” so we now share the same bed. We’re not having sex or anything like that yet but we snuggle and we stay up late talking and laughing about really silly things until we fall asleep. I wake up some mornings to find her watching me because she thinks I look funny. She brings me in pikelets (pancakes) some mornings too and I’ve never had somebody do that for me before.

 

Mandy is hilarious and she's always making me laugh. We’re not together 24/7 like me and Jessica were as she goes out with her friends or watches some TV shows that I’m not particularly fond of like she is doing now but we are very close. The only problem is she can’t sing but I guess I can live with that. lol She was supposed to be looking for a new house but she told me she wants to stay with me until I move out now and I am perfectly fine with that.

 

Since hooking up with Mandy I have started writing again but it is very difficult trying to get through writer’s block. I want to become a rock journalist and a horror writer like Stephen King and I was in the middle of writing a novel before Rachel passed away. I am still having difficulty writing it but I have been writing poetry and songs again and I think that’s mainly due to Mandy. She loves them and she thinks I am some type of musical genius. I have my inspiration back now and I lost my job because of an argument I had with one of the workers but Mandy thinks I was too good for it.

 

If any of you have taken the time to read this incredibly long post I thank you and I guess what I am trying to say is you have to be yourself. Mandy loves me because I am sweet and funny and that was why Jessica and Rachel (in a friend way) loved me too. I don’t think there is anything particularly wrong with being a nice guy but you have to exert yourself more and have more confidence. You can’t be nice to everyone because you will just be walked over and eaten alive but you can be nice to those who you care about and hold dearest to the heart. Trust me, I worked in the country music industry for three years and that was a life changing experience to say the least. If they are genuine people they will return your feelings in the form of a relationship or friendship.

 

Going on forums and complaining about your social life and why nobody wants to date you isn’t going to help you especially if you only get responses from other negative people who are having the same problem. There are girls who are only going to date the so called ‘bad boys’ but not all of them are like this. Some of them will mature and that’s just life. Instead of wasting your time on them perhaps you should be searching for women similar to my girlfriend. If not you are just going to get old and bitter and possibly turn into another Henry Lee Lucas and that’s all society needs. lol