Fate vs. Free Will in finding the right person

[Double J]

This is a very interesting topic. I hear many people say that you shouldn't look around too hard for love because you might get with the wrong person and miss out on the right one for you. On the other hand, others say that you must do your part and engage in dating to weed out the non-potentials because Mr. or Ms. Right will not come knocking on your door.

 

In my opinion, you do have to date different people - How else are you going to know who suits you best? I have a friend who is not a fan of the dating game, yet he insists that he'll somehow bump into the right girl when he least expects it, just like in the romance novels. Meeting someone by chance and immediately thinking of them as a soulmate doesn't make much sense to me, because the person might turn out to be totally different than you expected.

 

There's a saying that goes "the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have." Obviously you're not going to kill yourself looking for a partner, but you have to put in some work yourself - browse dating sites, join groups, and become an active partcipant in other activities - this at least increases your chances.

 

What do you guys think?

[RensoreK]

Personally, I believe it's a matter of luck and how picky you really are when chosing a soulmate, some people marry their high school sweethearts, and some date for years and don't marry until very much later on in life. All dating does, is show you what you like, and what you don't like in a person, so that you can choose better, but what if the 1 person you see, is everything you want? It all depends on how lucky and picky you are...

[NittanyKitten]

The prefect person is not just going to fall into your life. You do have to look for him/her. Yes, it is possible to meet that person at the most unexpected time. I'm a good example of this. I just recently stopped working for Turkey Hill, but about a week before my last day, one of the regulars asked me for coffee after my shift ended! He shocked the heck out of me! But we really hit it off, and are now together. I wasn't actually looking for a bf at the time, but I do admit to having a crush on him for a while before he asked me out (which I never thought he would).

 

But before him, I went through 4 relationships that were not the right guy. Granted, many people go through a whole lot more than that before finding their perfect person, but they still had to go through those relationships before meeting him/her. Basically, I believe you can't sit around and wait, without looking for your special someone. You have to be somewhat looking for that person, or you won't realize you've found him/her until he/she is gone. Opportunity will pass you by, and there's nothing you'll be able to do about it!

 

So, to all of you thinking you can just wait for him/her to come along (I know you're out there, cause I've read a lot of posts in other rooms!!!)... get off your butts and start looking! Or at least be open to the idea that the guy/girl you've run into a few times might be the one...

[Ceema-k]

This is one of those great unanswerable questions.

We all have an ideal match, and there could be more than one living anywhere in the world. If you live in one city your whole life, you could find your soulmate there. If you live in 5 different places throughout your life, chances are you might meet a couple ideal partners in those other cities too.

 

The idea of fate is quite romantic, but it only plays well in movies! Even if fate plays a larger role than I give it credit for, taking an active interest in my dating life at least gives me the illusion of control Better that than sitting around convinced that fate has screwed me for life

[ComputerGuy]

I believe it is a bit of both. I believe fate gives you the meeting and opportunity, and free will is your chance to act on the opportunity.

[Mermaid]

I believe it's a strange and confusing combination of both. To me, Fate is the sum of one's life and every move we make throughout our lives are part of that ultimate Fate. Do I believe we have free will? Of course, but I also believe that sometimes we're guided in our choices by some sort of unforeseen force--for me, it's the Cosmos, the expansive energy of the universe and existence.

 

If you're open to seeing them, life is full of signs. Once you're able to recognize them, it becomes easier to see how Destiny is involved in every aspect of our days. Nothing happens by chance...

 

So, the choice to date or to stand still and wait for true love to smack into you is an individual one... but I have no doubt that we all make the choices that we were ultimately meant to make... even the bad ones.

[PAdreamer]

I believe that people are put in our paths so that we have the oportunity to see what does and does not work for us in relationships. BUT, I do believe that at the right point and time, Mr. or Mrs. Right will come along. Of course I think that you have the option of saying "yes" or "no" to that oportunity... But I do believe that eventually you will find the right person for you. It's all a question of whether or not you roll with the punches.

[mahlina]

Good Question. I thought a lot about this myself. *sigh* I have to say that it's a combination of fate and free-will. Some nights, I think about one of my ex's that I used to have, and I think, "Gosh..He really came close to being THE ONE." I truly think that fate brought us together, because if I had not chosen to attend the wedding that I met him at, then we probably would've never met. It was so odd how we met. I actually knew his cousin, and his family a long time, before I met him. He used to hang out with my cousin when they were kids, and I was at his house a loong time ago when I was 8. We just never met, face-to-face.

 

Then one night, we meet. Of all of the places, it had to be a wedding. I wasn't looking for love at that time. Just got out of a relationship, and really felt jaded. But, he turned everything around. I used to have this thing about the Chinese Zodiac, and choosing my partners based on it. I thought that my ex happened to be the year of the "Ox," my ideal match, but it turns out, he was either born on the year of the rat or something else, I forgot.

 

Anyway, he was sooo close to being 'the one.' But, in my own free-will, deep down inside, I felt as if he wasn't the one. I was always shy around him, and couldn't completely be myself with him. And also, I was too intimidated by him. First of all, he was older, had his career started, all of his friends were successful, and where was I? Still a college student. But he showed me everything that could possibly be true love. He took me home to meet his mother and family. Flew me out to Boston to show me where he spent his life for the past 4 years of his schooling, introduced me to his instructors/classmates, gave me a tour of the hospital that he worked at. He was sincere. He pampered me. Did everything to show me that he was serious. Sometimes, I miss that. He even rescheduled his patients, traded shifts, crammed in his time at the clinic, so that he could fly back early to visit me.

 

Now that I think about it, it was fate, but it was in my own free-will to not chose him as 'the one'. We had a mutual break-up. I don't regret it. Our values clashed. We first of all, weren't from the same socio-economic background. He grew up as a rich kid, I didn't. Although he treated me really well, I felt as though he was too vane in other aspects of his life, in terms of what he wanted. He found happiness in materialistic things, I didn't. He lived too much for this 'image' so to speak, when all I wanted was a simple life. Plus, I didn't like how he viewed people of different races. He made some really cruel remarks and generalizations of people that I couldn't agree with him on. That's a part of the reason why I thought that he wasn't the one.

 

Anyway, to make a long story short, I think that when we're not looking for love, we stumble accross one of our life's greatest romances. That's when it's fate. I certainly won't forget about the things that he did for me. I appreciate it. But then again, he just wasn't a good match. Our deepest values conflicted, thereforeeee, in my own free-will, I did not give myself entirely to him.

 

Nice topic! Thanks for letting me vent.

 

P.S.-Another thing that I believe in is, fate allows us to meet the wrong people, so that we come closer to meeting the 'right' person.

[VeryShyGuy]

Fate vs. Will. This topic is one of my favourite topics I sometimes discuss with myself. My experience/belief is that fate and will are quite opposite.

 

Being shy/reclusive, I used to think that it is my fate to never find love, and I would need a stronger will to fight this fate. Also I used to believe that all my past disappointments was because of fate, and I need a stronger will to avoid/fight such "disappointments" in the future. Also another factor in why I believed that it was my fate to be single is no girls ever seem to have interest in me (not many girls talk to me).

 

Now however, having met this girl I like, I believe that it is fate that I met her. Well, it is she that first talked to me, not the other way around (I am kinda shy to be the one to initiate conversation first).

 

However, I lack the will to do anything about it and I find myself stuck in unrequited love. Also my lack of will sometimes makes me question my feelings for her and question my feeble friendship with her.

 

Either way, I need a stronger will. Is fate setting me up for regret or setting me up with a soulmate ? At this point, my feelings for this girl is too strong. Thinking that I am in love, it is hard to believe that if she isn't "the one", the girl that is "the one" is still out there waiting. It is hard to believe that if things fail between me and her that I would be "one step closer to reaching my true soulmate".

 

For all I know, the girl that is "the one" (if the girl I like now isn't "the one") could be out there already in a happy relationship. I hope I get a stronger will one day. If this girl isn't the one, then when I get a stronger will (one day), I hope that the girl that is my soulmate will be available for me.

[Double J]

Good replies. Yeah, you definitely can't wait. I know people who are in their late 30's/early 40's who are starting to get a little worried that they won't find a partner. I think you have to become absorbed in your daily routines - school, work, hobbies - and somewhere along the line, someone will come along who will complement your life. You shouldn't look for someone to COMPLETE you. You COMPLETE yourself. But someone who can enhance your life.

[ziggystar]

Well, here's my take. It's a philosophical one. Free will allows you to choose an action or inaction that produces a consequence. Even if you do nothing, the consequences are usually nothing. Fate is deemed fate after the fact. Something is considered fate only when it has come to pass. In that position you can see the choices you have made to lead up to that point. So if you ask me, it's free will. Free will is the only thing that you can control to some degree. Fate is a status and only last up to the current moment. Meaning fate does not account for the future, which is always unknown. Simply because you're in love with someone at the moment can never guaranty your future state. Put your faith in yourself, rather then some fairy tale.

[PAdreamer]

VeryShyGuy, a thought for you. You said that you feel that your past relationships failed due to fate, yes? I believe you're right. And here's why: Obviously you have not found the right woman for you to spend your life with. And if Fate had not intervened, and one of those relationships had worked out, you'd be missing out on some great oportunities including meeting the woman who is intended for you. See? Fate. But not in the negative sense that you've been seeing it in.

[VeryShyGuy]

Actually, I never had a relationship before, its just that fate has been unkind to me in other areas (e.g. finding a job). Fate doesn't exactly "intervene" when it comes to love, fate just doesn't give me an opportunity in the first place. Well this girl I like is the first opportunity fate has given me towards finding love. However, my lack of will, my shy personality, I don't want this opportunity to slip away and my feelings for her to turn into regret.