Difficult situation - Boyfriend has 3 kids

[librooks]

My b/f and I have been together for only 2 months, but we really love each other and I think we may have a future. But he's been divorced for 3 months and has 3 kids (age 8, 9, and 10). They're great kids, polite and well-behaved. I've never been with a guy who has kids, so this is all new to me. He gets them every other weekend. Our time together hasn't suffered, but he keeps pushing the kids on me and wants them to "get to know" me. He's not asking me to play mommy or anything. We DO have fun when we go out together, and the kids really like me. On the other hand, he and I have to "hide" our feelings for each other. We can't hold hands or kiss. He says that will change really soon, and I know he's just being a good father, but I'm not used to having to hide my feelings. And there's a selfish part of me that hates the idea that I'm not #1 in his life. His ex-wife is not very stable, so he said he may fight for full custody. This will mean the end of our relationship but he just doesn't see that. I don't want to get hurt; the future of our relationship rests on his ex-wife's stability!

 

Are there any other childfree-by-choice people out there who have had experiences with a significant other who already has kids? How has it worked out for you? Any advice?

[Mun]

Hi there,

I want to understand something you said. "This will mean the end of our relationship" in regard to him getting custody. Now why would it mean the end?

 

If you have a serious issue with getting serious with a man who has children. Then it's very simple. Do not date men with children. You will avoid hurting yourself and others. There are plenty of single men out there who have no children.

 

Good luck

[hurtabandoned]

I hate to say this but if you're going to be with someone who has kids then the kids are a part of the package. There's nothing you can do about it, that's just the way it is. He's going to be a father for the rest of his life.

 

I don't think that the future of your relationship rests on his ex wifes stability. The future of your relationship depends on if you can accept his children. If you can't accept them and he has to choose. He will choose them.

[avman]

I'll jump in and agree with the other posters. I definitely get the impression you aren't interested in sharing your man with his children. And that is not going to work long term.

 

With kids in the picture, compromise and flexibility are the name of the game. Things happen. Kids get in trouble. They get sick. They need attention. The need to be driven places. If you aren't ready to embrace that kind of lifestyle and be able to treat a kids soccer game as an enjoyable experience instead of a chore then you will be unhappy.

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

I know a LOT about what you're feeling right now. I won't go into detail about my situation but I know what you mean about the #1 thing and people who have never been there don't or cannot know what it's like. So know that you're not alone with those feelings, okay? And I don't think you're being selfish, either. It's not as simply solved as some people may think.

 

I have several thoughts on your situation, and it's uncanny that you feel a lot of the same things I feel about the whole thing that I'm enduring right now.

 

The first thing is that you really need to be cautious with this guy, even if the kids weren't in the picture. Newly divorced people are extremely fragile creatures. I've been there too. This guy is going to need a substantial amount of time to explore his newfound freedom, whether he knows it or not. I'd hate to hear a few months down the road that he dumped you because he needed "time" or "space". Just please, please think about this. It can take several months or even years to heal from a divorce. While someone may appear fine on the outside, they're dying inside and could exhibit traits that aren't really like their normal self. They may not know really what they want at the moment, hence a lot of people get hurt in the process. I know it's wonderful to think that you'd be the one who "saved" him from a horrible marriage, and turned his life around, etc.... but it just takes time. And I guess the bottom line I'm trying to make is that you could possibly be a rebound relationship candidate, unfortunately. It's nothing you did wrong, it just happens all the time.

 

The next thing is his behavior regarding the children. It sounds to me like he is trying to see if his kids like you before he decides if he wants to continue the relationship. I know that a lot of people do this, (that happened to me too) but I think it's wrong. I think a couple is a couple and kids are separate from a couple, or a marriage. I also think this sets a couple up for disaster later on when the guy might figure out that he never reallly was in love with this woman but married her because she made a good mom for the kids. I think he is going about this all backwards. He should have gotten to know you really, really well ALONE. Then later on down the road, introduced you to his kids if he felt that he wanted to have a future with you. And NOT hide the affection for you. After all, this is sending his children a confusing message in itself. And kids are smarter than we think. They know he's romantically interested in you, you can believe that.

 

I really think this guy is confused beyond belief. I don't think he knows what he wants and I think that everything is moving too fast for him. Any time someone asks you to hide your true feelings in front of others, it is a huge red flag to me.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but my opinion is: I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with your guy. Express your concerns, be totally honest about your feelings. After all what is the point in going on this way if you're that uncomfortable? See how he reacts. I think everyone is different and some people need more attention than others, and if you're not with someone who can give you what you need while you satisfy all of their needs at the same time, then it's time to move on to other options.

 

Maybe the timing is just off, maybe he's just not ready for another relationship. Maybe he thinks he is and he isn't. Maybe he really wants another relationship but is afraid of losing his kids over a legal issue of having a girlfriend so soon, etc..... it could be a plethora of things.

 

Talk to him..... be honest, and find out what is going on in his head. Communication is extremely important between you two right now to sort this out.

[hurtabandoned]

I have to disagree with you on a few points here. I'm a parent myself so I understand his actions completely. His children are a big part of his life. They are the one true constant that will always be there. And it is his responsibility to make sure that they are taken care of. Of course he would want her or anyone else he dated to be around the kids from the beginning. It saves everyone involved from alot of heartache if he finds out sooner that kids just aren't her thing.

 

I'm married to the father of my child but if I was divorced and dating it would be of utmost importance to me that who I was dating was good for my children. If a man I was dating didn't want to be around my child that would be a problem - for him.

 

Although a child is a separate individual, a loving parent knows that their child is a part of themselves. There's a bond there that transcends the biological connection. For a man to want to be in my life my daughter would have to be fully included. Asking me to put limitations on that or expecting me to give them any less of myself would be like removing my heart....literally. A parent just can't live that way.

[librooks]

Greetings.

 

>I have several thoughts on your situation, and it's uncanny that you feel >a lot of the same things I feel about the whole thing that I'm enduring >right now.

 

It's so nice to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel. I don't want to come off as a selfish b*tch because I'm not, and I hope he's not feeling that way.

 

>The first thing is that you really need to be cautious with this guy, even if >the kids weren't in the picture. Newly divorced people are extremely >fragile creatures. I've been there too. This guy is going to need a >substantial amount of time to explore his newfound freedom, whether he >knows it or not.

 

I know, that's a bit of a concern too. But he was separated for a year, at which time he had a girlfriend (he supposedly didn't cheat on the ex-wife), who he now says WAS the rebound. He swears I'm not a rebound. I was also in a 2-year relationship (not married) that ended about 3 months ago, so he and I are kind of in the same boat. On the other hand, he was with the ex-wife for 15 YEARS...a big difference.

 

>The next thing is his behavior regarding the children. It sounds to me like >he is trying to see if his kids like you before he decides if he wants to >continue the relationship. I know that a lot of people do this

 

Luckily that's not a problem, because so far his kids really like me. Shocked the heck out of both of us! And they really are good kids, which does make it easier. But if they didn't like me...I wonder...

 

>I also think this sets a couple up for disaster later on when the guy might >figure out that he never reallly was in love with this woman but married >her because she made a good mom for the kids.

 

Oh trust me, that is SO not the situation here. He knows I'm not mommy material, nor is he trying to turn me into one. I don't even cook. He's got his head on straight about everyone's roles, I'll give him that.

 

>I think he is going about this all backwards. He should have gotten to >know you really, really well ALONE. Then later on down the road, >introduced you to his kids if he felt that he wanted to have a future with >you. And NOT hide the affection for you. After all, this is sending his >children a confusing message in itself. And kids are smarter than we >think. They know he's romantically interested in you, you can believe >that.

 

It's funny you should mention that, because I've heard it a number of times before. And I was thinking the same thing. On the one hand, I'm glad that he trusts me enough to even introduce me to his kids. On the other hand, if he trusts me that much, then why not let the kids know how he REALLY feels about me. You're right, kids aren't dumb. If he's holding back, it makes me look bad, like I'm not "worthy" or something, or I'm someone that he's ashamed of, or he wants them to think there's still a chance with him and their mother. But I certainly wouldn't be completely comfortable with PDAs in front of the kids either; I think it would be rude. Of course, he's new to this too. The ex-gf had her own kids. He's never been with someone who doesn't have kids, so maybe he's not sure how to handle this either.

 

>I know this isn't what you want to hear, but my opinion is: I think you >need to have a heart to heart talk with your guy. Express your concerns, >be totally honest about your feelings. After all what is the point in going

 

I've done that...many times. But I think neither of us knows how to proceed with this.

 

>everyone is different and some people need more attention than others, >and if you're not with someone who can give you what you need while

 

Thing is, I don't need a lot of attention, I'm very independent and I like being alone. Which actually may be a bad thing if things do work out for us...I can't imagine being in a house full of kids!

 

I think a big part of my problem is that I'm feeling closer to him through time. I have a lot more to lose than I did last month, or even last week. I can see the older daughter is not quite sure of me. She squeezes next to him when we're sitting down, grabs his hand and pulls him away when we're together. And that's with him not even showing me affection! So I'm really worried that at some point (like after he shows his "true" feelings) she may decide that she doesn't like me because she thinks I'm taking her daddy away, and he'll dump me. I feel like our relationship is so tenuous that everything depends on circumstances outside of my control. I've reached this plateau that I can't move beyond. He says I should give it my all, but how can I do that when he can't give me HIS all...ever? He feels that he's giving me his all by sharing his kids with me. But I see it more as a test...if the kids dig me, then we'll be together; if not, we're history.

[Mun]

It looks like the problem is not with his children at all but with your bf.

 

He needs to understand one thing.. and I know everyone is going to hate me for this... He needs to let his children know that daddy has a gf he cares very much for.

 

Children need to know that their parents have a right to have a healthy adult relationship. I don't think parents should allow a child to dictate whether or not mommy or daddy should have a partner. (unless there is abuse and that sort of thing) And they certainly should not be the ones to judge who stays and who goes. For one--what would a child know about choosing a mate? As long as the other is a decent human being---the child should have no say. They don't have to like the person but there has to be mutual respect---it's essential.

 

Maybe you are right and your bf just doesn't know how to deal with the situation. He is new at this divorced dad thing...but you two do need to communicate. If he decides that he will only date someone his kids approve of he will be a very lonely man for a very long time.

[hurtabandoned]

And there's a selfish part of me that hates the idea that I'm not #1 in his life.

 

childfree-by-choice

 

I'm very independent and I like being alone. Which actually may be a bad thing if things do work out for us...I can't imagine being in a house full of kids!

You need to examine closely what you want in your future. I'm sorry but to me it doesn't sound at all like you are ready to be or want to be in a relationship that includes children. That's okay. I think that if you really feel this way then you may want to find someone with similar views.

[Mun]

Hurt and abandoned has a point. You are ALWAYS going to have to share him with his children. Are you prepared for that?

 

You are still a point where you can change your mind--if this relationship is not right for you. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. You know what you want and you have a right to want it .

 

Love

[librooks]

When he gets back from vacation (he has the kids for the whole week) we will sit down and spend a night talking about this at great length. I can deal with the "kids" part of it; like I said, they really are great kids and a lot of fun. I suppose I'm having more of a problem with HIM... He's SO close with his kids that I always feel like a 4th wheel when we're together. And of course there's the fact that he's only told them we're "friends". That really hurts. I know why he's so overly protective with them, because they've been through a lot with the divorce and all. So I don't blame him. But maybe HE needs to decide if he's ready for a relationship... or whether he wants to give the kids time to adjust to the divorce...and the ex-girlfriend who's no longer in the picture...and the ex-wife bad-mouthing him to the kids... Of course a parent should put the kids first. But if he wants a relationship, he has a responsibility toward the relationship as well, right? So I guess what's really bothering me, in a nutshell, is:

 

1. I don't want him to hide his feelings for me in front of his kids. If he's not ready to tell them about me, then he's not ready to have me in his life. Yes, it's only been 2 months. But it's like we've been together so much longer. We love each other very much. He's already talked about getting married someday! But how much could he possibly love me if he thinks our relationship is something to be ashamed of? And yet he expects me to give him my all?

 

2. I want him to "understand" how I feel. He can't see how I'm not as excited about his kids as he is. He has to get it through his head that I will never have the same connection with his kids that he does. I don't challenge his opinions about how wonderful kids are, so he shouldn't call me "clueless" when I tell him I don't see what the fuss is all about.

 

3. I just don't know how things will work out if he gets full custody. We'll never be alone together, to give our relationship time to grow. I guess in that respect, the kids WOULD be a problem.

[Scout]

Hmmm....I just don't see you as someone that really is comfortable with the idea of being a step-mom. There is nothing wrong with that, unless you continue to stay in this relationship, always secretly wishing the kids weren't around, or at any rate, not wanting them to be around that much.

[hurtabandoned]

Of course a parent should put the kids first. But if he wants a relationship, he has a responsibility toward the relationship as well, right?

The responsibility that he has for his children will ALWAYS come first. He also has a duty to get them through the divorce, ex girlfriend, ect.

His children are just children, they need help to cope. Honestly, with the way you feel about the potential of him having custody of his kids, it may not be a good idea if they got too attached to you.

 

But how much could he possibly love me if he thinks our relationship is something to be ashamed of?

I feel sure that he's not hiding his feeling for you because he's ashamed. He's trying to do the best that he can to protect his children. I'm sure that he just wants to give them time to adjust to you. Two months is really not that much time reguardless of how it feels to you.

 

3. I just don't know how things will work out if he gets full custody. We'll never be alone together, to give our relationship time to grow. I guess in that respect, the kids WOULD be a problem.

 

Instead of wishing that it will never happen, you better consider the possibility that it will. Any number of things could happen for him to get custody. Personal note: If someone said that to me, I would have only one word to say....walk.

 

Dictionary Definition: problem -

1: a state of difficulty that needs to be resolved

2: a source of difficulty

 

If you consider his kids to be "a state of difficulty that needs to be resolved" or "a source of difficulty" then indeed there is a problem - but it's not the kids. It's not their father either - he's just trying to be a good dad. It's your issue. Kids are never a "problem".

[Mun]

I want to add something. Maybe you are feeling all this because your boyfriend has made you feel as if it's " you or them" and from the way he is behaving right now it's them. Perhaps you feel like an outsider? Maybe you feel as if you don't matter enough to him and as a result you are feeling resentful to his children because they do have his attention? He is being more careful with their feelings than with yours?

 

A romantic relationship is separate from being a father. He can have both but he is wrong in making it seem that it has to be one or the other. If he is doing this then he is creating tension between you and the children and everyone will suffer.

 

It doesn't have to be this way. Like I said before maybe he just doesn't know how to do both. He is new at this and needs someone to tell him that he can balance his love for you with his love for his children.

 

If you think there will be no privacy for you as a couple--you are probably right-- but you also need to let the children know (when/if you get to this point) that you need some time alone. Get a good lock for your bedroom door. Children need to learn that daddy and mom(step mom) need time for themselves.

[Princess777]

Hello again,

 

I have a 16 year old son so I speak from parenting experience too - I'm not just rattling off some advice without having been there. And one thing I believe is that a romantic relationship IS separate from the relationship one has with their children. I think a partnership, a marriage, etc. has to be given adequate attention and the effort it requires or it will not survive. Your relationship with your children will always be there because you are automatically family - and their upbringing IS important, however, it's temporary, it's not something to base your whole life on, in my opinion.

 

I believe it is unhealthy for him to make you feel like it's you or the children, as muneca stated. And just because I have a 16 year old son, I would never let him choose my partners, and if I truly loved a man and my son couldn't stand him, my son would just have to live with it. After all, when my son is moved out at the age of 18 then where does that leave me? With my partner, not my kid. I don't live my life for anyone other than myself, not even for my kid. I am a responsible, loving parent but I don't give him that much power. Sorry! As muneca stated, what do kids know about choosing partners.

 

I think some people put their kids before their own romantic needs and that's okay if it works for them. But that doesn't work for me. And I don't think that works for the original poster, either. She has realized this. She should talk to her partner about her feelings, and should NEVER be denied to show her affection. This is sending an emotionally unhealthy message to the children, and it's giving them power that they do not know how to use.

[librooks]

We had a 3-hour phone conversation last night, and I feel SO much better. He made it very clear that he's going to be with me no matter what the kids think, even if they didn't like me. But he said that they do talk about me all the time, and they can't wait to see me again. That IS a nice feeling. And he makes sure to talk about me all the time to them. Last week his brother made a comment about how he's never at his house, and the kids asked him where he goes, and he told them that he stays with me and that I'm very special to him. He's gradually easing them into the idea of the two of us as a couple. He also talked about HIS childhood and how messed up it was with his mom leaving and his dad having different "aunts" sleeping over all the time. Even though he's not doing that, he wants to make sure that his kids don't feel the way he did. He said he totally understands the way I feel, and that if he were in the same position he'd be terrified, and that he's glad we're discussing it because if I told him I was okay with it he'd know I was lying. The only issue I still have a problem with is if he gets full custody, but you know, we've only been together for 2 months. I may feel differently in time, when I'm absolutely sure he's in it for the long haul. I don't have the greatest track record as far as relationships go. My problem is not so much the kids, but how he and I will be affected. But he's already got his mind up that he wants to be with me, so I should stop overthinking everything. He's such a great father, and a wonderful boyfriend, and just a great guy in general.

[Princess777]

It sounds like you had a productive conversation, and you can bet that this opened his eyes a lot regarding the situation. Since he did not react with anger, it's a wonderful sign that he's not being insensitive to your needs. After all, if we don't voice our thoughts and feelings, how do we expect our partner to know? Communication is so important.

 

I think that your fears of him getting full custody should be explored more. Ideally, you should be able to eventually (it's a little early) feel secure enough in your relationship with him to know that you as a couple can overcome any obstacles such as this. But on the other hand, I can totally understand not wanting 3 kids running around your house all the time when you're not used to that. It not only affects your relationship, it will affect your schedule and your expected commitments to his children in his eyes.

 

To help put your mind at ease, it is rare for a man to win (I'm not saying impossible but it is RARE) and extremely expensive to take a mother to court to have her children taken away from her, and even then, she must be proven to be a horrible person or mentally unstable, and/or have a police record that is incriminating. It's not an easy task and there aren't very many judges who want to take kids away from their mom. It may seem logical to a lot of people that the kids are better off with their dad, but the legal system doesn't see it that simply.

 

A lot of times after the initial shock/hatred/hard feelings of divorce fade, the father won't be so eager to try and get custody. I've seen this happen several times with people I know. I think a lot of times people voice those wishes when they're still in the anger stage..... they want to hurt their former spouse so they think that by taking away something they love, it will make themselves feel better, or like, they won something against the spouse.

 

I think if you truly think you could love this guy, with all of his baggage, (some of which we all have, the older we get) that you'll have to bite your tongue on a lot of issues. Yes, you'll have the kids around every other weekend and you'll have to share him. I know it's hard.... believe me.

 

Hang in there!

[lost and alone]

i see women all the time with children..doing internet ads or just trying to meet people.

 

One of the first things they make clear is that their kids come first and if you cant accept them or their kids then you should just forget having a relationship with them

 

Most women are like that, but for some reason society has to treat men differently. I think that you're being selfish. As a guy i have no problem "hiding" my feelings if the kids are around. After all it shows respect because i dont believe in pda in front of children

 

If you were the one with kids, im pretty sure it would be a different story..in fact usually it always is. I think you should give him a chance and if he has to fight for his kids then let him but that doesnt mean you have to leave him. If you are supportive that is..but from your post it sounds like you are not. In that case, leave him and let him find someone else that will love him. And pray that if you ever have kids that this doesnt come back to haunt u. What goes around comes around.