major trust issues with girlfriend

[manx]

Hi everyone I am new here and have major trust issues with my girlfriend.

Some background: When we met she had a boyfrined but did not tell me until our third date, after we had already madeout and fooled around. She said she was breaking up with him. They were together for only six months and he would only see her once or twice a week. It took a month for her to break up with him, eventhoughwe spent everyday together duting that month. She even spent newyaers with him and called me on the phone. She said nothing happened and she ended things that night. So her and I started a clean slate in January. At first she was goignt oask me to wait for her as he was leaving in February to go out of town for two months I said no because all that meant is they would get back together when he got back. Plus why wouldit take so long to leave him as she said he treated her like crap. Anyway...

Since we have been together she has broken my trust seberal times. I noticed she was getting phonecalls from certain guys all the time and her online list (MSN) had lots of guys names (BTW - she speaks a different language to these people so I do not always undersatnd who she is speaking to or what she is saying), so I questioned her about some of these guys who ere calling her (some married) and asked if she wasm involved with any of them and she said no.

I accepted this. Then I find out her ex kept calling her and they e-mailed each other when he was out of twon for two months, I saw some of these e-mails and she didn't even mention she was seeing a new guy.

More background - when we met we discussed out relationships and rules and our past. She said her rules were: she would not like us to go out to clubs with out eachother, even online chatting was just like cheating etc.

So guess what. She broke all the rules, her friend calls her and wants her to go her birthday at her house but she cannot bring me (I was always hidden as she is white and I am brown and some of her friends are racist are parent hadly know about me - they live in her home country). SO I say why. Anyway we argue about it and I say fine go. So she goes, but not to her friends house they go to a club and she tries to lie to me about it. I met her later (1:00 am at her place - she said she would meet me at 12:00 am) prior to her arrival and beed calling her for an hour butr she didn't pick up her cell, i left messages she never returned, so I waited until 1:00 am. Finally I get through and she says she is on her way home from her frineds hous on a street that would make sense if she was coming from there, it turns oout she was on the highway coming from the opposite direction (the club). So she arrives we go upstairs and she stinks like smoke. She then admits she went to a club, I was pissed, first I wait a month for to break up with her ex and then 3 weeks into our relationship and she is lieing already and breaking her rules. I said how can I trust you if you break your own rules. SHe says she is sorry and begs me not to leave her (you have to understand this girl has friends who don't like me cause I am brown even though I am nice to them and even took them out to dinner, and they are always trying to get her to see other guys -she said if I had friends like this or hung out with people like her firends she would leave me) so I stayed with her.

a month later I find e-mails form her ex on her computer when she said she would not like me talking to any of my ex's or girls I dated.

It turned out that my hunches about the guys who kept calling her, even thought she sadi she was never with them and they were idiots and did not like , she had gone out with or had sex with. She lied to me and kept talking to them behind my back. One of them was even married and cheated on his wife with her. I was pissed that she had lied to me and still talked to these guys, they just though of her as a piece of meet and a toy, even she said so but she still talked to them and lied to me about it, I found there numbers on her phone.

Then a little while later I find cybersex chat with a guy from holland on her computer who is also married. She visited this guy a year and a half ago. She told me there was nothing between them, then I find the chat log. Meanwhile she found one e-mail from my ex on my copmputer and flipped, amd the e-mail was about a mutal friends wedding whose wedding party we were in and had to make wedding plans about, she even came to the wedding and met my ex. And I paid all my attention to her at the wedding not anyone else.

Bear with me there are so many lies I cannot type them all.

ANyway, she then lies about talking to these guys even more.

More recently, she actually met with the married guy she use to fool around with and tried to hide it from me. I found out and was going to break up with her. She said she met him to a CD from him that had drivers for a web camera she has that was not working that she used to chat with her parents. Now both her and I her work in technology and I have unlimited tech resources available to me, so why would she need this from him when I could get it. Furthermore, a driver that small could have been e-mailed, or she could have told me and we could have got it from him together, why would she need to meet him. I told her thuis and she said nothing just that she was sorry and will tell not lie to me anyomre, she always says this after she lies, like 5 or 6 major lies now, and she alwyas says she has told me everything and then I find out more later. Oh I forgot, two months into our relationship she told me that she slept with her ex while she was seeing me on the same day, this was before they break up was final she claims.

Anyway, back to the current lie, she met him on her lunch at work he is only ten minutes away, she had e-mailed hiem on the friday, he replied the monday and they arranged to meet on tuesday. Meanwhile, I stayed at her place those days and she said nothing to me but had opportunity to. I woke up Tuesday morning with a bad feeling and she was really quiet.

She claimed she wasn't feeling well. They phoned each other that day and met at lunch (she says for only five minutes to get the disc)

So I found out on Wednesday night 3:00 am (thursday morn - I saw her phone) I check the number and it was his. I flipped and she kept saying sorry and she wil make it up to me, I had had it I left her place and said we are finished I was tired of the lies, she said please don't leave her she will make it up and never lie to me again and will work hard to rebuild my trust in her. So she said she would call me on her lunches, so far she has not been good at doing this, just no she phones me at 2:15 pm and says oh she was with her friend and she did not have time to call, right!!!! So I hung up on her, she has not yet phoned back; this just happened five minutes ago, I sent her an e-mail indicating I was upset, she replys back saying "I DIDN"T DO ANYTHING" in caps. She called me now and says oh she didn't do anything that she should not have to always call me and so on she didn't even say sorry until I said she hasn't even said sorry,.. anyway people this is getting too long ... and there is too much more to fill in,,, oh BTW we have been together only 7 months officially. Oh did Imention the day she met this guy, the night before and that night we did not even make love and latley its been not as often, she wanted to make love everyday before and has a hi sex dirve.

 

SHe says she wants to be with me forever.... wants to have my kids..... maybe its because I am a sucker...

 

HELPP!!!!!

 

not spellchecked or proof read... sorry, too frustrated and at work.

[RayKay]

Alright, going by what you have said, I think you have every right to have "trust issues" with your gf. Especially since you are probably feeling now what her most recent ex did near the end - it sounds like she is someone who thrives on male attention, even if it is the wrong kind. Maybe she has some big insecurities. Anyway, it sounds suspicious to me - and if she cannot stop talking to these married men whom she had affairs with (with just goes to show how much she "respects" commitments) and other such behaviours I would cut her loose before you get too involved with her. Actions speak louder than words, and her words in this case don't hold up to much.

 

It is one thing to have male friends (and at that I would think you were just being jealous), it is another to lie about them, and have really suspicious behaviour - and cyber sex or worse, real sex for all you know.

[bigwill]

if you love this girl you just have to trust her becuse if you dont she'll move on to some one that will you cant be to possevie or controlling but you also cant be a push over its a fine line but trust is a very impotant thing in a relationship

[twb]

I am recently getting over a situation that is almost exactly the same as you describe. Trust your gut on this one. I heard so many excuses and if it was only 1 time or 2 they would seem reasonable. I was blinded by love for a long time until I really understood what was going on. Be careful.

 

It might just be best to cut your losses.

[Carnatic]

Sounds like she wants the security of a stable relationship with you, but doesn't want to give up sleeping around. As far as you are sure that what you have written here is true then you really should dump her. It's for hte best, It may hurt to do so, but you'll retain your pride and it must hurt now, the way things are.

[sutton]

manx - you gotta dump her NOW. I went through a similar situation and I can tell you from experience, you are going to end up in a world of hurt if you don't bail.

 

Once a liar, always a liar. She is not the one for you.

[telc]

Yeah dude - cut your losses and move on. Lost cause. I was in a similiar situation always think she would change, come to her senses. I realized I was just a dreamer.

[kitten311]

GET OUT of that relationship

 

I know it's not going to be easy, but there is no room for trust in your relationship, going by what you said. There's only room for lies lies lies...It's crazy how the situations love can make you stay in