After 3 weeks of NC, she e-mails and now I'm confused.

[Fill]

Hi, I posted my story about my break-up [link removed about two weeks ago. In general my ex and I dated for 3.5 years, but 3 weeks ago she decided that she didn't want to be committed in the relationship and she wanted to be single. I couldn't do anything about it. She wanted us to be best friends immediately after the break. I hung out with her for a week as friends, but I couldn't take it because it was too painful. After that week I told her that I would not communicate with her until my pain and suffering is gone.

 

For about two weeks I kept with NC and I have been slowly recovering from the pain, but today I received an e-mail from her. She asked if she could get her stuff she left at my house which is understandable, but the other part of her e-mail left me in a state of confusion. Here's what she wrote...

 

"I was wondering if I can pick up my computer. If you don't want to see me, I can ask someone to come over and pick it up, or you can leave it on the doorstep or something. I do not want to make you feel more awkward than how things are already. I know you don't want to talk to me and I could tell by the sound of your voice on the phone last time, so I just decided to email you instead. I hope you've been hanging in there and doing alrite though. I'm really sorry for the pain I put you through. I really really miss you, having you as my best friend. I'll continue praying that we can put our differences aside soon and hope that you will not have so much anger towards me. I am hurting as much as you are, but I know you think I am not. Anyways, good luck with everything!!!"

 

I called her after I saw the e-mail, but she wasn't available. I decided to drop the stuff off while she was out so I could continue with my NC. Now I really don't know what to do. I know that the ball is in my court now because she e-mailed and she's probably looking for a response. Should I e-mail her back?

 

Another thing that's bugging me is the comments she made in her e-mail. She thinks I'm upset at her, but I really have no angry feelings towards her. I want to let her know that, but I don't want to open old wounds by breaking NC. She also mentioned that she misses me and wants to be best friends again. I don't know if I'll be able to do that. That one week being friends was hard, but I don't think I could do it until I'm over her. One other thing that's on my mind is her saying that she's in as much pain as I am. She was the one who decided she didn't want to be in this relationship, that she wanted to be single. Now she comes and tells me that she is feeling my pain. I could understand that she's hurt in losing somebody close, but I don't think she knows the pain of being rejected by someone you love. She doesn't know how hard it is going through the motions of being dumped. There's a million things going through my mind and I don't know what to do. Can you please offer any advice or comments on this situation, thanks

[jurupa]

In some ways it looks like she wants to have better communication with you. Her e-mail looks like she does want a response, but accepts that fact that you may not reply. If you do reply you should keep it as brief as possible, and I think e-mailing her back would be the best thing to do if you want to send a reply. As far as what to say I couldn't tell ya becuase it can go any where.

[next]

I would do nothing cos in your head there will be always something to say or get accross while you are feeling like this, if you must, mail her back and SIMPLY let her know that you are not angry with

her and thank her for respecting that you need time to get over her and that in time, one day you can be friends again.

 

You are very very wise to do no contact cos your emotions will be all over the place for a while, it is the only way.

 

She will be in pain and she will care but won't and can't feel the pain you are going through, it's your pain, I know you want her to share it and help, but don't try and make her understand, it will turn to guilt then anger etc.

 

It really sounds like you are doing things right in a crap situation, hang in there.

[rich46]

Hi, I posted my story about my break-up here about two weeks ago. In general my ex and I dated for 3.5 years, but 3 weeks ago she decided that she didn't want to be committed in the relationship and she wanted to be single. I couldn't do anything about it. She wanted us to be best friends immediately after the break. I hung out with her for a week as friends, but I couldn't take it because it was too painful. After that week I told her that I would not communicate with her until my pain and suffering is gone.

That is scary, as my situation was exactly the same!!! We were together for 3.5 years, my ex became distant with me until 5 weeks ago she told me she wanted to be single and free, but wanted to remain best friends. Again, I tried this for 1 week but it was too difficult. In fact, it was impossible. Like you, I called her and told her I needed to get my head around things before I could even contemplate being friends.

 

So 3-4 weeks passed, in which time I read many books on how to get your ex back, read myjoy's 'strategy' etc. Until it finally clicked that I couldn't be friends with her for a very long time, possibly ever, as she was my first love. And I wasn't prepared to get even more hurt in the long run by pretending to be her friend while she went out and enjoyed the single life, meeting other guys etc. So I called her and told her exactly how I felt, and that should she ever have any doubts, or wanted to talk about us, then to give me a call.

 

So I agree with 'next' in that you should reply and tell her that you are in no way angry. Just thank her for respecting your need for time and space, and that maybe one day you can be friends. Deep down she will understand, I'm sure. But in my opinion, her hurt will not be as great as yours. She has obviously been thinking about this for a while, and she wants it. She may feel a lot of guilt about hurting you like this, but her pain will not be comparable to yours.

 

So good luck. You certainly seem to have a good head on your shoulders, as you know that No Contact is the way to go and you initiated it at an early stage. Your self respect is in tact, and you should be proud of that fact.

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[auburnslp]

the above posts are all excellent...I couldn't agree more...good luck

[Fill]

To everybody who replied, thanks for the great advice.

 

I did it. I just e-mailed her at first. I let her know that I wasn't angry at her and I thanked her for giving me some time and space. I wanted to say more, ask her how she was doing or what she's been up to, but I decided against it because it'll cause more pain knowing somethings such as if she's already seeing another guy (just like you said Rich). I'm definitely going to continue NC until all these feelings for her subside. I'm kinda glad I returned all her stuff back, because now it's time for closure. Thanks for all the great advice and best of luck to you all with your struggles.

[Fill]

Today was probably one of the hardest days since the 3 weeks my ex broke up with me. After getting her e-mail it sent me into a rough spell, but today was the icing on the cake.

 

Today I got a call from a friend we both know who invites to her b-day thing. She asks if my ex wants to go, but not knowing if we were still together. I tell her we separated and she yeah I kinda figured. She tells me that my ex has been contemplating a break up for awhile which kinda threw me into a shock because it seems like I'm the last to know about it. It feels that if my ex had some differences in our relationship she could've came to me and told me how she was feeling. Instead she bottled up her feelings for awhile, acted all distant, and that left me in the dark. I put up with it, even though that hurt not knowing why she was acting like this. And then all of a sudden she tells me she wants to split because she wants to be single, enjoy single life, and not priorities anymore. This hurt me alot. I've been doing NC for the past 3 weeks, but now I want to call her and ask her for all the details. I want to ask her why am I the last to know about how she felt. I can't seem to find closure because I'm still in a state of confusion. The pain seems to grow each day. Its been hard for me to wake up in the morning and hard for me to live my daily life with all these thoughts and questions about her in my head.

 

I dunno what to do. A part of me wants to contact her while another part of me wants to forget her, not hear her name, not know what she is doing, but it seems like its impossible because my friends bring up her name here and there and it drives me into a sad state. Any advice or comments on my situation, thanks.

[me4ta]

I'm reading this really cool book that I saw an ad for on this site, but it's for girls, how to get over the break up and explanation of some of the ambiguous actions of our exes.

 

Armed with some new insights, I can tell you that it would be a great idea to tell all of your friends to stop mentioning her name, be very serious when you tell them that, if they start doing it again, I would suggest to show them how repulsed you are by their lack of understanding and leave the room. Eventually they'll stop.

 

Regarding some new info on your ex....I had the same thing happening to me, so I went back, I confronted, he told me so many nice things about me and assured me what's been said was not true....him being nice only confused me and then I read the book and it dawned at me - they are being nice to us, telling us that they hurt as well or miss us, because they just want to be friendly and feel guilty for hurting someone they had some kind of feelings to before. That's understandable, but it's not healthy for us because it's like a drug, we need another doze to feel better, so in each word of our exes we try to find some hint, something that might indicate that there's hope for reconceliation.

 

Unfortunately, there's none. We have to understand that if they really wanted us back - they would go and try to do everything in their power to get us back - but since they are not doing it, there's no hope, so NC is the BEST thing you can do for yourself.

 

I would suggest not to contact your ex regarding what's been said, because you'll end up even more hurt. First of all, talking to her, hearing her voice, PLUS the things she might say to you....do you really want to know??? I don't think you do. What you don't know, can't hurt you....remember that.

 

At this point of your condition, it is better not to know all these things and concentrate on yourself - do things, try to find new people to hang out with, do sports, bars, anything to keep youself occupied. Eventually, your pain WILL fade away....

[Vert]

Me4ta,

Thanks for that advice (even though it wasn't for me) because it helps apply to my situation too. My ex-gf said she wanted counseling to help her understand her confusion over me and whether or not it was a good idea to reconcile. Now she won't go to the counselor because she's "afraid of what they might tell her". As you said, they would do everything in their power to come back to you if they really wanted to. My ex-gf doesn't seem to want to make progress and that is all I needed to know.

[Fill]

me4ta, thanks for the great advice. What struck me was when you said "What you don't know can't hurt you". I totally agree with that statement. I just hope my friends won't bring up her name or mention anything about what she is doing. Like you said, if she wanted this relationship back, she would go out of her way to get it, but since she's not then there should be no hope.

 

The thing that gets me is that she still wants us to be best friends. To me it still looks like a glimmer of hope, or maybe she wants us to reconcile our differences. During the first week we broke up we still hung out everyday and flirted constantly. She even talked about us having a future together, even though we weren't together at that time. When she said she really misses me and was hurting as much as I am in her e-mail, I also thought that a part of her might want this relationship back. She might want the closeness we developed for 3.5 years back. That's something that I want back too, the way we used to talk everyday, and somebody to hang out with daily. This NC thing is getting harder and harder each day. There are days where I want to call her up and pick up from where we left off. A part of me wants to be close to her again, but another part of me doesn't want to know what she's been doing or how she's been for the past 3 weeks since I initiated NC. Right now I'm stuck between two conflicting ideas.

[auburnslp]

well, I'm gonna agree with the old what we don't know can't hurt us thing.

 

Always be very careful what you wish for...you just may get it...

 

Information of this sort is a true two-edged sword. Finding out what I did hurt like Hell, for a time. But it also granted me my freedom. My closure. I finally knew it was all over. Still hurts though. But ah well, that is just life.

 

Pain, pleasure. Sadness, happiness. Extremes make up this wonderful and awful life. The tough part is to realize that when we are dealing with those down extremes, it is a necessary part to realizing just how special those good extremes truly are...

 

And then my friends, when we realize that...we strive to find them again.

 

Good luck...my best, as always...Michael

[Fill]

Thanks for the reply auburnslp.

 

Well I had one painful weekend. After getting that e-mail from her last week, I started to check my e-mail constantly hoping she would e-mail again and say something that would ease my pain. It dawned on me that I can't let go of her or the thought of her. I've been doing no contact for about 3 weeks now, but I still feel like I've made no progress. I still miss her a lot and I constantly think about her. Mornings are the worse part of the day for me because I wake up wanting her. I'm probably subconsciously dreaming about her, but every morning I always wake up in emotional pain. I wake up each day not wanting to leave my bed.

 

About the weekend, I went to a club with a few of my friends hoping it would take my mind off things. That didn't work out. One of the things I disliked about my ex was her going clubbing on a regular basis near the end of our relationship. This would always hurt me because she would go out with her friends and dance and drink with other guys. Back then when I was with her I always felt guilty if I danced with another girl at a party of a club because I felt that I was betraying her. Whenever she goes clubbing she tells me guys would approach her and ask her to dance and she would accept, but that was it. I know that is understandable because she's at a place where this stuff would happen, but it would always hurt me. Well now that I'm single I tried the club thing out this weekend, but it didn't work. A woman asked me to dance, which I did, but I couldn't dance with her too long because I started to feel guilty and awkward about my ex. I had thoughts of her and how I would feel bad about dancing with another person besides my ex, which made me want to stop. I tried to do the things that made me hurt, to see if I was over the pain, but I wasn't. I can't shake the thought that how my ex could go to these places while she was still dating me and dance with random guys and let them buy her drinks. Thinking back on this is making me hurt more and more. I feel like I can't let go of her or the past. Any advice on how to stop thinking about her or past situations of pain?

[kaboom1218]

First off Fill, I think that when folks on here mention one of the standard remedies as being that time heals all wounds and things will get better, that doesn't mean it will happen in what might be assumed as a natural progression; that more time = less pain. If only it were that simple--it fluctuates. An image just came to mind that might help explain it. Think of a bell curve or a hill. To climb it, you must trek uphill and push ahead even though it gets harder as you climb. You may have to stop or take a few steps back before you can continue your ascent. Seeing the apex really motivates, but you still are constantly struggling and things are getting harder as you get closer to the top, which makes it seem almost impossible.

 

But then one day, you reach the summit and overlook your past hurts and grief, but now instead of being parallel or feeling the pressure as their weight bears down upon you, you have now triumphed and can scoff and look down upon them and those that caused the pain in the first place. Then as you had back down to ground level and reality where you may still have to deal with your problems, things get easier and they won't have the same effect on you. You have now learned many valuable lessons along the journey and can finally begin life anew.

 

Phew! That was lot and I may have overdone the imagery, but that's the writer in me.

 

Hope that helps. Also, in reference to the pain our exes may feel or claim to feel, I do agree their pain isn't as bad as ours because not only do we have to deal w/separation anxiety, there is also the blow to our egos as being the rejected ones. Although it's not as much, I think some of us can take solace in the fact that they are suffering in some way and that we have at least left some impression with them and one they will not soon forget.

 

Peace,

'Boom