Is breaking NC and becoming friends right for me?

[CitizenE]

Today I broke NC and I'm going to talk to my ex soon. I have the intent on becoming decent friends. I read around and hear a lot about no contact. I decided to try it and we haven't talked for a month until today. I don't think NC will work for me, as every day of the month has been harder and harder. I sent her a text today saying I thought we should try to be on decent terms with each other. Even though our history is somewhat ugly, I still feel like being in contact is right for me. I'm going to tell a summary about my story and I just wanted some advice... I'm not going to act tough, I've been in a very down mood for awhile so it's also nice just to let this out.

 

To be honest my story is really pathetic. I never had a girlfriend until sophomore year of high school. I told a shy girl 'L' that I liked her and we dated for a year. We were both shy and kissed probably twice. Yet we built a strong connection, we spent so many nights talking until very late. She had a few emotional problems that i'm not going to get into detail yet. Spontaneously she broke up with me, a "friend" of mine made his move and they ended up having sex. This was a few days after my breakup. It was pretty confusing, because I was her first boyfriend too. She proceeded to date and have sex with a lot of people, she began to drink and did a lot of weed. I was basically forced to block out any thoughts of liking her out of my mind.

 

After dating quite a few guys for a couple years, she tells me she is completely in love with me, breaking up with me was the biggest mistake she ever made, and she would do absolutely anything for me. I was currently in a relationship with her best friend 'E'. E broke up with me because she is a good friend and we were only casually dating. After being pretty pissed off for awhile, the feelings I had blocked out towards L started to come back. I dated her for 2 years, starting right before we left to college 4 hours away from each other. She was very depressed and anti-social for 3 semesters, she constantly wanted to talk to me, we visited each other every other weekend almost consistently. Then she couldn't take it anymore and transferred schools to be with me.

 

I was very very intimidated by this. I loved her but wow I was making a huge commitment by letting her transfer. She is an art major and I go to an engineering school with an extremely small art program. She would constantly ask me "Are you going to want to spend time with me?" Of course I'm going to. "Do you want me to come?" Of course I wanted her to. "You don't want to be with someone else do you?" Of course not. In my mind, I was practically becoming engaged by doing this, and I was so ready for it.

 

Something clicked and her emotional problems seemed gone and she became very social in the last few weeks of school. She met more friends then she had the whole semester. She managed to cheat on me within the last few weeks before transferring. She drove up on a weekday to apologize, and I had to forgive her. We both made such a huge commitment that I wasn't ready to let it all fall apart.

 

The semester of our dreams began. We were in the same dorm, only a 10 second walk from each other's door. It was blissful, and we did everything together. It only took a couple weeks and she made friends. More friends than I ever made, and began to hang out with them more often than me. She would crash at someones house and smoke weed and drink regularly, on weekdays. I had to pressure her to come back to the room and sleep with me. She became extremely unreliable with everything. She would be late or completely forget about plans we made 90% of the time. We made Friday night date night and she always forgot to meet me, or something came up like homework instead. I mean ALWAYS, we never had one date night over the course of 2 months.

 

She confessed she kissed 'M', a guy she had been hanging out with more than me. So I issued my ultimatum. "You will fix this broken mess of a relationship, or you will lose it." She wanted to fix it. One of the conditions was that she couldn't hang out with the guy. I caught her, and my friend caught her 3 times with him. We broke up mutually. All the other conditions were broken immediately after the agreement.

 

We had around 6 or 7 intimate meetings after the breakup over the course of a month or 2, We had amazing conversations each time and we seemed to truly come to understand each other. After each of these encounters it turned out practically everything she told me were lies. This was probably the hardest part of the breakup.

 

She is going to continue to go to my small school with 'M' who she now loves... apparently... I will see her probably every day on campus as it is a small school. Every day of NC became harder and harder. I want so badly to be over this by next semester but if we have NC i feel it's only going to be delayed until school starts.

 

I hate her, There isn't a thing she can do to make me like her, and there isn't a thing she can do to hurt me more than I am hurting. Yet because of this I want to be in contact. I feel safe from harm, and I feel like it can help me heal by becoming acquaintances. We have so many of the same friends back at home, 80% of them seem to have taken my side. I want to get on decent terms so we can hang out as a big group again. I at least want to try, because if I can put all of this behind me I feel things will heal the fastest.

[stuka80]

you're telling yourself you want to be her friend but you dont want that. you want to be more than her friend. you want her to love you as much as you love her but it's not going to happen. friendship is suppose to be built on trust and loyalty, something you dont have with her, not only that but you're in love with her wether you deny it or not, in my opinion lovers cannot truly be friends, not according to my definition of friend. you know what i'm already going to say. Of course NC is hard, it's not suppose to be easy it takes discipline and character but you should've stuck to it. Just like with anything worthwhile in life if you want it you're going to have to roll up your sleeve and work for it, in your case it's sticking to NC to get over your ex but you're not willing to pay the price to be emotionally free of her instead you're telling her that her lies and cheating are ok and that you are willing still to be her "friend".

 

I know the feeling, trust me. When my ex broke up with me 2 weeks later i went hardcore NC and never looked back. There were days when i felt like i was going to die and any type of pain was preferable to the one i was suffering but i knew deep down that it was for my own good, that i'd have to go through hell to get to the other side. Looking back at it all i'm glad im glad i stuck to NC.

[CitizenE]

OP here.

 

we had a long talk, and she broke down and talked about being suicidal. She has said that many other times, but right now, I'm the last person on earth who she should say that to. I'm glad to have had a somewhat civilized conversation. But the more i learned about her the more disgusted I've become with who she is.

 

I'll try to start NC again, for my own good.