Oasiswater Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Some of you might have seen my other threads around here, but I basically talked to my ex today to find out what she wanted from me. Specifically: For christmas last year, she gave me the gift of telling me that she wanted to do the K-1 Visa process with me, and have me move up to the US to live with her. This would put a timeframe on our long distance, and end it forever. Within the next month or so, I gathered all of the necessary documents and filled everything out, including her part of it. Six months have passed since then, and nothing has happened. She has not turned in anything. I asked her about it today. She told me that she hasn't done anything with the documents because she's unsure of it. She said, a year ago (when she dumped me,) she would have done it because we "were so madly in love." Today, she doesn't know if she wants to do it because that's "not the way she wants to be married." She said that she wants a big wonderful wedding, and not one done just for the sake of getting me there. One of the requirements of the visa is that you file official marriage certificates within 90 days of entry. I really don't know how I feel about this. I'm going to leave my thoughts out of the first post because I want to see what other people have to say... How would you guys handle this? Link to comment
DN Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I would be worried that she wants a big wonderful wedding but has no plans for a big wonderful marriage. I would walk away. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I would be worried that she wants a big wonderful wedding but has no plans for a big wonderful marriage. I would walk away. agreed 100%. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 She can have her big, wonderful wedding. You just plan it fast or have a small wedding and then have a vow renewal 6 months later with everyone in your phone book. But if she really just wants a big wedding - i agree - really think about this long and hard. Also, can you get to the US on your own merits or is it dependent on engagement to her? Or does it not matter and you are fine where you are if you are not with her? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I just read some other posts of yours - I really think that you need to revaluate the "plan" you set in place a few years ago and revise it. If she doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't want to and a marriage to get you into the country might make her resentful in the long run. the best thing for you are to walk away and forget about her and heal. Or to move somewhere to be near her but not live with her in order to date her but that probably won't work. BTW, she seems to say she hates your country, are you okay with that? Link to comment
Oasiswater Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I'm honestly just fine where I am. She doesn't like it here, and that's why ill be foregoing a family business, real estate, trust fund, etc. As its all very much against my parent's wishes. Moving to the us isn't the problem, and its really only foe the purpose of being closer to her. Link to comment
Oasiswater Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I should also add... the initial plan was to get married for the purpose of the visa, then redo the marriage later when we're both financially stable and set up. This is not good enough for her. I'm starting to believe that it has nothing to do with a marriage at all. I know this is wrong, but I'm beginning to feel like she doesn't want to extend the benefit of "easy entry" to me because I recall her saying last year, "I feel like I want to break up until you get here" Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I'm honestly just fine where I am. She doesn't like it here, and that's why ill be foregoing a family business, real estate, trust fund, etc. As its all very much against my parent's wishes. Moving to the us isn't the problem, and its really only foe the purpose of being closer to her. so, you're willing to give all of that up - and she isn't willing to let go of her "dream" of having the big fancy wedding? of course, like abitbroken said - she could still have the big wedding, it would just have to be planned quickly. so - what is her problem????? Link to comment
Oasiswater Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 so, you're willing to give all of that up - and she isn't willing to let go of her "dream" of having the big fancy wedding? of course, like abitbroken said - she could still have the big wedding, it would just have to be planned quickly. so - what is her problem????? The problem is she's slightly delusional when it comes to those things. She wants a $3000 dress, to rent out some posh royal house on the east coast or something. She showed me her plans already. I kinda thought she was half joking to be honest. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 So...let me read this right ...you are willing to give up your country, your inheritence, your family for this woman who is not sure she even wants to be with you. You have to be absolutely sure this woman is the love of your life and that you are compatible in other ways, such as the way you view finances.. Also, if her plans are for a $3000, just be prepared to be poor - or you won't be, but it will never be enough. what are you going to do when you get to the US? If you are not coming on a work VISA with work lined up, will you depend on her completely, which may cause more strain?? Honestly, I would go to the US on a travel VISA for a few weeks and spend some time with her and do some more exploration. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 The problem is she's slightly delusional when it comes to those things. She wants a $3000 dress, to rent out some posh royal house on the east coast or something. She showed me her plans already. I kinda thought she was half joking to be honest. yes, delusional sounds like the right word. i don't know what her finances are, if she can afford it, etc... but what is more important - the right dress or the right man? if her answer is the right dress, her priorities are messed up. i know many people who married in city hall for citizenship reasons and then did the big wedding later on. Link to comment
Benville Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 From this and a view other posts of yours I've read, this woman is dangling you on a string, to be blunt. Everything is on her terms, with you meeting conditions. Sounds very toxic to me. Bit of a short post, but there's nothing more I'd add that hasn't already been said. Link to comment
banal Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Yup, Ben is right. We were posting in the other thread, and you were ready to ship her out. You need to stick to that resolve. I don't know your history or your experience, but relationships don't have to be this way, with you never seeing your "partner" and her never investing anything into the relationship. You should demand and you deserve more. The idea that you'd sacrifice your entire life for a woman who cannot manage to call you is absolutely ludicrous. Link to comment
Oasiswater Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 You should demand and you deserve more. The idea that you'd sacrifice your entire life for a woman who cannot manage to call you is absolutely ludicrous. I think this is finally starting to sink in. Just for example, today. She was telling me about something she did, and I said, "I hate the fact that I'm so insecure sometimes. It always makes me feel like i need to be so defensive. Sorry if I'm being quiet, I can't really help it." She jumps on me out of nowhere and starts telling me that I'll never let her be who she wants to be, and I can't handle her, etc. So then I asked her, if you KNOW that I can't handle you, and you can't stand me, why do you keep running after me every time I try to leave? She said, "It's because I love you, I just want to knock some sense into you." I'm starting to really resent the treatment I'm getting. I feel like I'm her pet, not her boyfriend. I hadn't heard from her for a while tonight, so I texted to see what she was up to.. She didn't reply until about 3 hours later and said she was out with her friend. So I said, "can you please say you love me or something? You sound so robotic." She replies, "I can't right now." I don't know what this is, but every day it becomes less of a relationship. Link to comment
DN Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 i think your best bet is to ditch her and move on. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 yeah, time to forget her and move on. Link to comment
DoGGYtREAts Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 I really want to touch on these 2 statements. First. Finances are the Number one cause of friction in serious relationships these days. Sad reality is in the modern world that's the way it is. And as many of you Probly have experienced, these are rather uncertain times for many in terms of Jobs and income. If she wants to be Endulged like a godess (and there is nothing wrong with that in it's self) Are you really prepared or capable of living to those sort of expectations? If not that would certainly breed resentment to some extent. Second, that Kind of goes back to the first. If she intends to live life high on the hog and you do not have a lucritive income lined up, Woul thatn not cause her to doubt you even more then she already seems to? I just see this whole situation breeding alot of friction... and you have pretty much zero fall-back or security in this situation from my understanding Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 she "can't" say she loves you in text?Is she with a guy. it takes less time to say "i love you" than to type "i can't right now". Also, I was with a man that felt he always needed to teach me "a lesson". It was a horrible relationship. You just need to talk, not have sense knocked into you. Sometimes love is NOT enough and this is just such a case. Sometimes, I think when folks come from other places and their parents don't approve is that the parents are close minded, but sometimes parents can be right, or at least have a sense that their child is not going after something healthy. There is no "come to my country so you can meet my parents and relatives to give them a chance to know you since you will be part of the family, then we can move to the US'. its all about her and what she wants. I would seriously dump her and meet a girl that really loves you Link to comment
banal Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Yeah, usually I don't recommend outright dumping someone, because that's a move of some serious consequences and I don't want to simplify such a decision unless it's absolutely necessary. This is one of those times. Link to comment
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