how do you put it in black and white?

[ChellyV]

hello. i noticed in most of the threads here where post BU, NC is necessary and then one makes contact (i.e. a text asking how are you doing, or an email with all sorts of subjects) ......that only maintain contact if reconciliation is the purpose.

 

how do you put it in black and white?

 

say something like, i cannot communicate further unless it is about reconciling with me?

or please stop contacting me unless you want to pursue this relationship?

[90_hour_sleep]

hello. i noticed in most of the threads here where post BU, NC is necessary and then one makes contact (i.e. a text asking how are you doing, or an email with all sorts of subjects) ......that only maintain contact if reconciliation is the purpose.

 

how do you put it in black and white?

 

say something like, i cannot communicate further unless it is about reconciling with me?

or please stop contacting me unless you want to pursue this relationship?

 

i'll offer my two cents.

 

to me...statements such as those you've listed put alot of undue pressure on the whole situation. i think it's very possible to keep things in terms of you...without playing the game of 'control'. these statements often carry undertones of contempt...and often come accross as manipulative (ie "give in to what i want...or i'll cut you out of my life compeltely!"); which, while understandable...isn't exactly necessary.

 

trust your own intuition. if your level of contact with someone is based exclusively on a particular outcome...perhaps you're not ready to take that step. and if that's the case...keep it in terms of you. it's not about a relationship...it's about your need for space. you know?

 

eg. ''i think it's best that we don't have any contact for awhile. i could use some space to figure some things out. i'd appreciate your respect for my wishes. thanks.''

 

it's about you. keep it that way. don't give into the temptation of making it into a game of cat and mouse.

 

just my thoughts though. good luck!

[ChellyV]

thank you. you are correct, in fact, thank you for that. it never occurred to me that it is manipulative to be imposing such.

i am not in that situation but i come accross a lot of post to this effect and makes me wonder what is the correct approach.

 

i am post BU almost 80 days NC until recently when he emailed me wishing me well in finding a new man. LOL. i laugh at it now thinking about it. but surprisingly that email was in my head everyday ever since i received it almost 2 weeks ago. so, he does still have an effect on me no matter how much i deny it. i havent replied yet.

[90_hour_sleep]

thank you. you are correct, in fact, thank you for that. it never occurred to me that it is manipulative to be imposing such.

i am not in that situation but i come accross a lot of post to this effect and makes me wonder what is the correct approach.

 

i am post BU almost 80 days NC until recently when he emailed me wishing me well in finding a new man. LOL. i laugh at it now thinking about it. but surprisingly that email was in my head everyday ever since i received it almost 2 weeks ago. so, he does still have an effect on me no matter how much i deny it. i havent replied yet.

 

yah...i don't think it's always manipulative. just a vibe i've noticed.

 

i know what you mean about the effect people have on us. and i think that's the underlying reason behind this idea of no contact (although, it's often been obscured by misinterpretation and dogma). how can you look at a situation and discover a bit of clarity...if you're still in the heart of the situation? that's how i see it at least.

 

are you going to reply to this latest email?

[ChellyV]

yah...i don't think it's always manipulative. just a vibe i've noticed.

 

i know what you mean about the effect people have on us. and i think that's the underlying reason behind this idea of no contact (although, it's often been obscured by misinterpretation and dogma). how can you look at a situation and discover a bit of clarity...if you're still in the heart of the situation? that's how i see it at least.

 

are you going to reply to this latest email?

 

oh ok tell me what to do then.

should i send a thank you for your wish, and hope all is well with you? he did apologize in that last email saying he was sorry for what happened to us. as of now, i really do not know. all i know is that our BU was full of drama, we both simply stopped talking to each other. so much anger that was not talked about.

i do have valueables in his possession though that i made clear that i want back. to date i have yet to receive them. although i have pretty much let these go thinking, i can always purchase those later when i can afford to again.

i am not angry anymore. believe it or not, i think about it everyday but am willing not to take action. on the other hand, sometimes i want to. right now that i am in doubt, i am not doing anything. what do you suggest?

[hello678]

Just say you both need space to heal. He'll contact you if he wants you back.

[90_hour_sleep]

oh boy. that's a tough one.

 

i mean...i can't really tell you what to do. i'd assume that since this post is in the 'healing' section...that that's your primary focus? do you want to get back together? i guess this all depends on your frame of mind...and what you feel you can handle at this point. i like your 'do nothing' stance though. i think if you're unsure on any level...giving the whole thing a bit of space to breathe makes alot of sense.

 

in the meantime...have you ever heard of 'Al Turtle'? check his website out if you get a chance sometime. some food for thought.

[dramallama]

I think that asking for someone not to contact you unless they want to reconcile (so that you can heal and move on) is a pretty standard and acceptable request to make. Ideally, your ex should really take it upon themselves to not contact you to give you a chance to heal in the first place. You are leaving the door ever so slightly ajar so that if they want to reconcile, they know that you are open to it, but to leave you the heck alone so that you can heal. IMO, there is no need for you to "check up on" your ex with a text or whatever to open dialogue- their silence is letting you know that they don't want to change the past decision of dumping you. It's really not hard to pick up a phone to let you know, if you are truly the love of their life, that is.

[Tired Tiger]

This:

 

to me...statements such as those you've listed put alot of undue pressure on the whole situation. i think it's very possible to keep things in terms of you...without playing the game of 'control'. these statements often carry undertones of contempt...and often come accross as manipulative (ie "give in to what i want...or i'll cut you out of my life compeltely!"); which, while understandable...isn't exactly necessary

 

There's absolutely no need to respond with anything that even remotely sounds like an ultimatum. One email after nearly 3 months is hardly something that warrants any such thing in response, and could be interpreted as either resentment or weakness. Why portray that if it's unnecessary?

 

You could, of course, simply not respond at all. There's something to be said for the volume of silence. On the other hand, the universe won't implode on itself if you were compelled to reply. If so, perhaps a simple acknowledgement of the apology would demonstrate a touch of forgiveness. I wouldn't acknowledge the comment about wishing you luck finding another man - he's just fishing there. Keep it short, ask no questions, and make no demands or rules. The less said the better.

[ChellyV]

oh boy. that's a tough one.

 

i mean...i can't really tell you what to do. i'd assume that since this post is in the 'healing' section...that that's your primary focus? do you want to get back together? i guess this all depends on your frame of mind...and what you feel you can handle at this point. i like your 'do nothing' stance though. i think if you're unsure on any level...giving the whole thing a bit of space to breathe makes alot of sense.

 

in the meantime...have you ever heard of 'Al Turtle'? check his website out if you get a chance sometime. some food for thought.

 

 

90_hour_sleep : i went to the Al Turtle website and i am so amazed! i might end up reading through it than worrying whether to respond to that email or not. LOL.

thank you!!!

 

i do want to heal, and i guess i am almost there. i have let go of a lot of bitterness HOWEVER i do not want them back and that is the risk i have to take in whether to respond to this person or not. i guess ill just have to let it go for now until i am sure of the impact of this email going to do to me and to him. as i do want him to heal also. i am so cautious. ive been through hell and back struggling through this and i just think i am in a better shape now.

 

dramallama, you are right...i am just a phone call away. and that phone call never came.....oh well.

[90_hour_sleep]

LOL! Al Turtle...i still go back to him periodically...and it's been a long time since i encountered a truly painful breakup. he's an on-going source of wisdom (life wisdom) as far as i'm concerned. it's really all about finding and learning to use appropriate tools. ''tools in the toolbox'' as i believe he's referred to it as.

 

and...if my opinion is worth anything here...consider tired tiger's words well. i believe he's been to the promised land...and back again. especially...the fact that 'the world won't implode' should you make the 'wrong' move. yep...there are all kinds of people that can tell you all about their own personal experience. and...to be fair...often times your own experience will be very similar. but...to deny yourself of a potentially painful experience, at the expense of comfort (i know...this is a bit of a role reversal), doesn't really add to your existence. you've just avoided a painful experience. i guess that's wise in some circumstances. but...when it comes to personal relationships...i'm not sure that there is any finer substitue for experience than the actual experience. there's theoretical knowing...and then there's true knowing. perhaps this is one of those instances where there is simply no way to know unless you've walked the path. you know?

 

always be curious. and always be gentle with yourself.

 

 

[ChellyV]

Once again, thank you very much. We seem to agree on a lot of things. But in the end, I and only I am responsible for all the actions I take. This is why I never blamed anyone or my ex's when things go painful for me.

 

Right now, I am still waiting for a better mindset to reply to that email. BTW, the nature of our break up was, he kept repeating to me he was tired of me and simply stopped talking. So perhaps knowing that we will be in the same page all the way. Like what Dramallama said, I was just a phone call away. A phone call that never happened.

 

Thank you for all you input. It truly helped me a lot.

[dramallama]

Chelly, if your ex wants to be with you, it won't matter if you wait a few weeks to even figure out whether you WANT to respond, or even if you don't respond at all, it won't change anything - if he truly wants you back. I know that one day feels like an eternity, but it really isn't.