Confused and Alone

[Lester]

Well it hurt that's for sure. I really didn't know how to respond to that so I just said ok. if that's what you really want she never did reply back...of course her lunch break was almost over at that time

 

Hollow, I know how hard this is for you. It's indescribable to anyone who has not been through it.

 

If you want your wife back you are going to have to change everything about yourself.

When she comes back you most likely won’t want her! Welcome to the real hurt locker.

 

Do not read into everything so much. (panic) She has a lot of hurt she wants to give back. That was a taste...take your medicine.

 

Hang in there...you’re doing good.

[Lester]

So for instance if she texts me to say she's not coming over because she is going to stay with a friend just say something like "ok. Have fun Kim"

 

I've been trying to not talk about our relationship too much with her because she gets irritated if it's talked about too much.

 

Perfect! (Do not use real names in forums.)

[hollowed454]

Hollow, I know how hard this is for you. It's indescribable to anyone who has not been through it.

 

If you want your wife back you are going to have to change everything about yourself.

When she comes back you most likely won’t want her! Welcome to the real hurt locker.

 

Do not read into everything so much. (panic) She has a lot of hurt she wants to give back. That was a taste...take your medicine.

 

Hang in there...you’re doing good.

 

If it will get our marriage back on track I'll take all the hurt she has to give me. I just honestly don't feel the reasonings are worth leaving the marriage over. Maybe that's just me because I don't want the divorce. I think it's always easier to do the breaking up than to more or less be broken up with

[Lester]

I just honestly don't feel the reasonings are worth leaving the marriage over.

That's because your not you're wife. If you were her you might have a knife in your head.

 

I think it's always easier to do the breaking up than to more or less be broken up with Wrong again...it's killing her.

[Lester]

I think it's always easier to do the breaking up than to more or less be broken up with

Wrong again...it's killing her.

[hollowed454]

She's texting me again right now saying she is filing next month because it's what she wants and doesn't want to draw it out any. I said I don't see a reason to be in a huge rush about it or anything because it's a really big decision to make

[hollowed454]

last text

 

I want to be alone. I don't want to be with anyone. I don't want to be married. I'm trying to do this as civil as possible

 

I haven't responded yet.

[Lester]

That's it for me. Stay calm. Think before you talk. Listen not counter or return balance, but to understand how you hurt her.

 

Hollow... find your line. I carry this in my pocket. "I went down into the countries under-neath the earth, to the peoples of the past, but you lifted my life from the pit, Lord, my God"

[Lester]

She's texting me again right now saying she is filing next month because it's what she wants and doesn't want to draw it out any. I said I don't see a reason to be in a huge rush about it or anything because it's a really big decision to make

 

Again...ignore her statements.

 

say ok... remain aloof.

[Lester]

last text

 

I want to be alone. I don't want to be with anyone. I don't want to be married. I'm trying to do this as civil as possible

 

I haven't responded yet.

 

Respond.... ok I understand.

[hollowed454]

I text her back saying I understand that and thankfully we haven't been uncivil I respect you wanting a divorce I realize that I might have done some things I just don't want either of us to have regrets on down the road

 

ok have a good day Lester. thank you for your advice

[Lester]

I text her back saying I understand that and thankfully we haven't been uncivil I respect you wanting a divorce I realize that I might have done some things I just don't want either of us to have regrets on down the road

 

ok have a good day Lester. thank you for your advice

 

The first part was good. " text her back saying I understand" and maybe even the "I realize that I...", but the rest was weakness. Make it your last long message ever.

 

Much better response would have been. "Okay, I understand. Goodnight."

[hollowed454]

Looking back on it your probably right and shouldn't have put that last part.

 

Her brother called me last night and asked me to come over because my wife didn't come home again. He broke the news to his kids about his own divorce and wanted some company. Then he proceeds to tell me he's been trying to go to bat for me about all this because he thinks her reasons are dumb. I told him I appreciate him backing me up and everything but I don't want him involved so that she doesn't get mad at him. A few minutes later he logged into facebook to see if his own soon to be ex had posted anything about their breakup or not. He called me over to show me some pictures of some of his ex girlfriend's that he found on there. He then proceeded to go to my wife's profile and she had posted

 

You never know when that one person is gonna come out of left field and completely change your life

 

seems to me that there is another person involved.

[Lester]

Give my regards to you're bother in law. Poor kids.

 

Please…stop looking for hope…you already know all you need to know. She is not coming home at night! That’s all the smoke and the fire you ever needed.

 

Please don’t look at face book or whatever until after your, (possible), divorce.

By looking in the wrong places for hope you create more mind haze.

 

When you talk to her about the other, (irrelevant), person use the same approach I mentioned in earlier posts. I.e. (Watch her face. Slump and look depressed. Don’t talk much after that and then thank her for stopping be and politely show her out. Etc.)

 

Hope comes from her reentering your space after her “look back.”

The look back will not happen unless you change. (Become very datable asap.)

If it does you may then have time to discover the true issues of your failed marriage.

 

However be warned. When a husband follows these instructions and the look back, reenter occurs… a new problem emerges.

 

YOU

 

This is why I asked early on about weather YOU wanted to stay married to this person. Can you do it? Can you live with her again?

 

Hollow, everything you have been doing so far are simple reactions to symptoms. It’s only done to slow/stop her progress away from you which in turn gives you time.

 

This second unmentioned element is a huge.

[hollowed454]

he said telling his kids was the hardest part of his own separation and didn't want to be alone last night. No kids so I don't know how hard it was but I could tell it was rough just from the way he sounded on the phone.

 

She plans on doing the divorce next month is there time to make her look back? if she is in the middle of an affair she might be too "high" to notice? The facebook thing last night I honestly had no intentions of seeing but I don't really know if he got curious as to what she was doing because he doesn't really know either and said he hardly ever looks at her page because she puts up "stupid stuff"

 

I know the day that she came over to tell me about the divorce I did mention suspicions of another person and she said no but when she said no her face fell and she stared at the ground. I dropped it after that feeling that my suspicions were correct.

 

I am working on making some changes now. I am trying to figure out a different hairstyle for one and trying to force myself to be happy. I know without doubt that I would like to save our marriage. I know what we have between us is not worth throwing away. That's the only thing I am positive of at this point

[Lester]

There's always hope. Divorced/separated couples get back together everyday.

 

I don't know his story and would advise him to log on and ask for help.

[hollowed454]

While I have been rearranging the house for the first time since this whole thing began and no matter how many times I have read it and no matter how many times it's been said I just now am beginning to understand that I can't change her. I can only change me. Even though I have realized some stuff I had done I still hadn't truly realized them enough I did to truly own up to it.

 

If she was a little late from work I would ask her what took her so long. If she was going out I'd want to go with her. Sure my intentions were to spend more time with her but that's not the point. When she spent the night at her friends I would worry if she was actually sleeping with another man and quiz her about it the next day through things like "who all was there?" "so it was just you girls?" trying to pose it as innocent questions about her night. I would say I didn't mind her going out but in reality I did. I might as well have handed her divorce papers myself and said here do yourself a favor and get rid of me now.

 

What do I do now? Do I ask to speak to her so I can apologize? Do I say nothing at all? Do I just let her go? Now I'm not confused as to why she left and potentially seeing someone else I'm confused on how to fix myself. I have clearly been a controlling jealous husband.

[hollowed454]

After thinking on it for a little bit I decided I needed to apologize. not for her. not for her to feel better. I had to do it for me. She didn't apologize back or anything and that's ok. I didn't go over there to hear her apologize. It was about me getting something that I strongly felt needed said off my chest. Sure after I apologized she threw the talk of divorce at me and it was sad to talk about but I never let her see it. I just let her talk and agreed with what she said. I actually feel like I found a little calm in the storm for me. I hope she remembers the apology because I have no plans to make it again. I look at it as hopefully one "sorry" brick taken down off her wall.

 

She did text me later just to say she was going to bed. I simply text her back with Good nite. Sleep well ____

 

I'm not getting hopeful about it or anything. I just simply am looking at it as a small peace offering from her. For all I know she may go back to hardly talking to me again tomorrow. Either way only thing I can do is focus on myself. This is not me. The person she fell in love with was strong and confident. Now just to figure out how to bring that person back

[Lester]

Good news! You’re searching for the answers! Most men don’t.

 

Of course you had problems. Poor role models, cognitive disorders and incompatibility issues... then you got married.

 

Do nothing more than what you’ve been told. Smalley’s book will point out your un-loving ways. From this you will mature and grow into a true man. You will be the most eligible bachelor on earth.

 

At this juncture, most jilted husband would be out with another girl. They think revenge solves the problem. In the end it just sets them up for the next fall.

 

There are two paths:

1. Revenge. The run away that gives immediate relief but guarantees a life of failed relationships and being glued to your next wife’s hip.

 

2. Growth. You take your medicine. Discover your mistakes/issues and grow. Find a new compatible girl and have a relationship the world would be jealous of. When out with your girl you can move about freely without fear of losing her to the first person that comes along.

[Lester]

Wow... you gave me goose bumps! Good job Lad!

 

You’re learning.

 

Yes, don’t do an overall apology again. Because the bricks are individual events it did not remove even one.

 

But… it signaled to her your willingness to be humbled!

 

I guarantee you she is looking back…

“What the hell just happened? Who is this guy? Do I even know? Am I losing something special?”

 

All great husbands have been tested in fire.

 

We are powerful creatures!

 

Good job! Keep changing and growing. It's not about her.

[hollowed454]

I think once we got married I had this impression that she belonged to me now and that was never true at all. She was simply choosing to be with me. I never really understood any of those things before. I hear people say things like that but it takes a shattering moment to really understand.

 

I hope she's looking back a little bit now on our marriage but who knows really. I mean I'm sure she looks at it a little bit everyday but right now the negatives are overshadowing the positives.

 

I think today after my job interview I'm going to go running and get a haircut. I could use a new set of clothes as well. All I know is I got to work on me.

[Lester]

Who knows you ask? I know...she's thinking about you a lot.

 

If you keep changing she will move back towards you. That's barring major compatibility issues before you married.

 

So, keep changing and prepare for your reservations.

 

Secretly read, ask, learn and change.

 

Helpful hints for unexpected surprises:

 

1. Pause, say nothing, rub your chin and look at the ground for a moment. If you feel you must say something… say it in five words or less. Include “I understand or one quiet sorry”. Most likely you won’t have to because she will continue the talk or if you are lucky continue the “correction”

 

2. Don’t spill your guts. Hold back a little. Have your, (good), secrets. I.e. (new underwear. No I am not crazy.)

[hollowed454]

I truly hope she is thinking about me. I need to find a hobby to do though. Something to kind of keep me a little more occupied.

 

We were texting for a minute earlier. Just a short text back and forth real quick during her break to let me know she's coming over to bring some cat supplies since I have to take care of it for her. Her brother is allergic to cats.

 

I was going to go get a haircut but I've decided I want to do something completely different with it that I don't normally do just don't know what yet. Long hair so I have options lol

 

Before we got married we were highly compatible. She's always said I'm in her head way too often. Her family adores me. Her brother says only thing that makes her more welcome at his house than me is that she's family. She did come and pick up her favorite stuffed animal I got her sometime ago a couple of days ago also. She's always loved stuffed animals for some reason mainly cartoony monster ones.

[Lester]

Don't forget about your teeth! Make all possible repairs. Whiten them... Wal-Mart sells Crest white strips at a good price.

[hollowed454]

She text me earlier tonight asking if I could come pick her up. I keep her cat for her because her brother is allergic and her cat needed food. So I did. Got her food and we came back here for a few minutes. She took a shower because he doesn't have his gas turned on yet. She took a shower and picked up some of her body jewelry.

 

She wasn't here long but the time we was together we didn't talk about the divorce or our relationship. We just talked and was able to have a few laughs.

 

She stood beside me for a little bit texting while I was showing her the new Transformers 3 trailer that popped up. Usually I would want to know who she is talking too but this time no matter how many times she stood beside me and did it I just bit my lip and said nothing. I'm a Transformers nerd from the 80's.

 

She asked me to text her on Saturday to remind her to pick up cat litter. She didn't have the money tonight to pick it up. I said that I would. Then she said well I might stay at ______ house this weekend. I dunno if that was supposed to be a test to see what I would say or not. I just simply said ok. Well I'll send you a text Saturday to see what's going on and if you are staying at _____ I hope you have a good weekend Although she better get that cat some fresh litter or it's going to be doing it's business in a litterless box! lol

 

On the way back to her brothers she did ask me when Transformers 3 started playing and I told her. She said oh I have a cook out with _____ that weekend. I just said if your wanting to see it maybe we could go the weekend after if you want too. She said ok. Which her mentioning it may have just been because prior to splitting up we were planning on going to see it. Not trying to make anything of it because it just may be her attempt at remaining friends during this difficult time. I may just go ahead and go see it myself next weekend just in case she has a change of heart or forgets and makes other plans.

 

Overall though I was genuinely happy the whole time I was around her and we managed to enjoy the short time we was together. Just got to work on being happy even when she's not around and at the moment I can honestly say I am in a good mood.